Help explain this?

Reyhoney said:

I would but changing an email is such a hassle! Also he could send all the emails he wants, it can never ever take back the hurt he caused.

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So why let him continue to hurt you? Every time you see an email from him, the hurt will rise up again because you are reminded of what happened.

Your spam blocker won't work either, because if he changes HIS email, he'll get right through. Expend the energy, change your email, change your future.

One thing that did occur to me after he explained things is that maybe he was experiencing a top drop? Some of our scenes were intense and I had asked him to do things harder a few times. I also cried during one scene not because I got hurt physically by the emotions overwhelmed me and I started crying over things I’ve never cried over before (like my dad dying). That night I went and sat in the bathroom for like 20-30 minutes and he came after asking me to let him in cause he was worried.

We usually did aftercare after every scene and that felt really good, except for once after a very rough scene and part of me was angry with him because I was so conflicted and I didnt let him touch me after even though he really wanted to so he laid near me and said can I just put one hand on you to touch you?

Maybe I am to blame for a big part of this.

You are not to blame for being victimized. Drop that entire line of thinking and NEVER pick it up again.

HisArpy said:

You are not to blame for being victimized. Drop that entire line of thinking and NEVER pick it up again.

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Thank you for saying that. I guess I want to learn from whatever mistakes I’ve made so I wouldn’t repeat them in the future with someone else.

Reyhoney said:

The guy I was seeing and I have been having a lot of rough sex, he’s always been dominant but his ex gfs never wanted any of it. He would talk so big about all the things he wanted to do. He seemed almost obsessed.

Fast forward to recently we took a vacation and after a few drinks I told him I loved him. He was completely thrown off and shellshocked. I don’t think he expected it and he said he’s not there or at that level. He explained that he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry because of the level of rough sex we were having was too much for him that he had to numb his feelings for me in order to do it.

Is he just giving me any BS excuse or is there any truth to this? I can’t help but think I was set up to fail because even when we’d talk about sex, it’s all he talked about.

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Question : How long were you seeing him before you took a vacation together?

(I didn't see that mentioned anywhere)

LiamAnthony said:

Question : How long were you seeing him before you took a vacation together?

(I didn't see that mentioned anywhere)

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A little over 7 months. Why?

Reyhoney said:

A little over 7 months. Why?

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Time makes a difference.

If it had been a month and he was stumbling over expressing his feelings, that's different than 7 months.

I don't necessarily agree with the "dump him" advice people are giving you.

People break up and get back together in the first year all the time. No big deal.

If you like being around him, see him.

If you don't, don't.

LiamAnthony said:

Time makes a difference.

If it had been a month and he was stumbling over expressing his feelings, that's different than 7 months.

I don't necessarily agree with the "dump him" advice people are giving you.

People break up and get back together in the first year all the time. No big deal.

If you like being around him, see him.

If you don't, don't.

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We don’t live close to each other so it was a little complicated and slow I guess. I think the whole thing was too much/too intense/too fast during that vacation together.

KimGordon67 said:

Rey, this following on from previous things you've said is just going to lead to me (and I'm sure the other good women who'll comment below) saying ... walk away. You really deserve better than this. Trust me, if you're enjoying the rough sex, you'll find a guy whose into that who isn't an emotional dwarf. IMO, he's using the sex as an excuse to avoid emotional commitment.

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I have to say that I agree with KG67

Reyhoney said:

We don’t live close to each other so it was a little complicated and slow I guess. I think the whole thing was too much/too intense/too fast during that vacation together.

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In that case, I don't think the two of you have spent enough time together to know anything one way or the other.

You breaking up with him is at least as cowardly, maybe more, than him not being willing to say "I love you" within a day or two of meeting you in person.

You should probably apologize to him for fucking with his head like that.

LiamAnthony said:

In that case, I don't think the two of you have spent enough time together to know anything one way or the other.

You breaking up with him is at least as cowardly, maybe more, than him not being willing to say "I love you" within a day or two of meeting you in person.

You should probably apologize to him for fucking with his head like that.

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I didn’t break up with him. That night it seemed like the two of us reached the end. I never said anything like it’s over or I’m breaking up with you; it was mutual, at least at that time before the recent emails. Last time we saw each other I hugged him tight and kissed him then got on the plane. I said I loved him, and I acted like it, at least I hope I did.

Maybe I am to blame for a big part of this.

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No. I mean, top drop is a thing, of course, and maybe you were wrong in how you've handled that particular situation you described. Then again, it's totally your right to require some alone time and some space, and he needs to understand that.

If my girl locked herself in the bathroom and cried, I would worry too. I would be at her side and talk to her. I would recognize, however, that if she doesn't want to be touched - I shouldn't. If I had a top drop after that, I would most probably have a talk with her next day, discussing the issue.

For the future - always remember that Tops need aftercare too. If something unexpected happen during a session - you have a right to require space. However next time make sure that when your reaction is over - you make sure that your partner is OK. That you have a talk at the closest convenient time discussing what happened and reassuring him that it's not his fault, or discussing how to avoid it if it kind of was.

Regardless, however, it is unrelated to the issue in the open post and what you have described so far. So no, it's not your fault.

And even if it was something that you've done? So what? That would at the very least mean that you two are not a match for each other if your natural reactions cause such a dissonance in your relationship that he'd freak out and say he doesn't love you.

In that case, I don't think the two of you have spent enough time together to know anything one way or the other.

You breaking up with him is at least as cowardly, maybe more, than him not being willing to say "I love you" within a day or two of meeting you in person.

You should probably apologize to him for fucking with his head like that.

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I don't agree. I'll leave it at that.***
Long-distance relationship is still a relationship. If you've spent 7 months getting to know each other, then go on vacation together - you should at least be able to say you have feelings for the person.

I love many people. I'm not ashamed to tell them. Doesn't mean I am somehow obliged to make some follow-up on that.
I've told girls that I've loved them after a month of a relationship. I've meant it. It didn't always work out in the end, but so what?

Thing is, if you feel hurt by someone's actions - you have full rights to dump them and it's not a cowardly thing to do. You can't call that cowardly! That's insane logic. What next? You'll say that it's cowardly to dump someone if he hits you in the face, in case you don't know each other well? It's the same thing. Abuse, abusive behavior, reaction to it. A PROPER reaction.
It was enough of a fuckup for her to get hurt so badly that she decided to end the relationship. It is the right thing to do. Move on, find someone who will not hurt you.

Can the relationship where you have to "forgive" a lot work? Yes it can. It can grow into marriage and then life together, kids. But is it optimal? HELL NO! Will it be better than a relationship where you don't have to constantly make concessions? HELL NO!

Reyhoney. Find yourself a good guy. One that you wouldn't want to board a plane to. One that wouldn't disappear and let you go so easily and then reappear some time later begging you to come back but not giving anything in return.
It's your life. But I don't think you've made a wrong choice.

*** I'm well aware I said I'll leave it at that and then didn't leave it at that. I thought it was hilarious in a way, so I left it

This has really taught me a lot, not just about BDSM where I knew so little but also relationships in general. I appreciate everyone who has shared any advice and knowledge!

Messaging by text online isn't a relationship.

LiamAnthony said:

Messaging by text online isn't a relationship.

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Whose to say that? You? You don’t get to define what a relationship is and isn’t. Also I said it’s long distance, I didn’t say it’s a texting relationship. Know and understand the difference.

LiamAnthony said:

In that case, I don't think the two of you have spent enough time together to know anything one way or the other.

You breaking up with him is at least as cowardly, maybe more, than him not being willing to say "I love you" within a day or two of meeting you in person.

You should probably apologize to him for fucking with his head like that.

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You’re fucking kidding, right?

LiamAnthony said:

Messaging by text online isn't a relationship.

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Thanks for your input, Webster.

Farawyn said:

You’re fucking kidding, right?

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Farawyn said:

Thanks for your input, Webster.

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And what would you know about online relationships? Hmm?

Blue said:

And what would you know about online relationships? Hmm?

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I’ve been on a Lord of the Rings board for 15 years. My friends on that board are family.
For starters.

I know I am an ass. I can live with this fact easily. But those I let into my life also know I will always have their back when the shit hits the fan. Even if they are no longer part of my life.

Respect is earned. It surely isn't given to anyone that will not be there to pick up the fucking pieces if their opinion is wrong. Trust your instincts. They are never wrong.

Dribble said:

I know I am an ass. I can live with this fact easily. But those I let into my life also know I will always have their back when the shit hits the fan. Even if they are no longer part of my life.

Respect is earned. It surely isn't given to anyone that will not be there to pick up the fucking pieces if their opinion is wrong. Trust your instincts. They are never wrong.

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Wow. This actually resonates nicely. Thank you!

Farawyn said:

Thanks for your input, Webster.

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LOL. I know right!? It’s interesting he’d say that, whilst online.

LiamAnthony said:

In that case, I don't think the two of you have spent enough time together to know anything one way or the other.

You breaking up with him is at least as cowardly, maybe more, than him not being willing to say "I love you" within a day or two of meeting you in person.

You should probably apologize to him for fucking with his head like that.

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ive read this whole thread now and i dont know what LiamA saw that made him think this was good advice.
ReyHoney it does not look like you fucked with anyone's head. this guy^^^ has issues unrelated to your situation. just a guess by an old lady, whose been around the block a few times.

bzlynzee said:

ive read this whole thread now and i dont know what LiamA saw that made him think this was good advice.
ReyHoney it does not look like you fucked with anyone's head. this guy^^^ has issues unrelated to your situation. just a guess by an old lady, whose been around the block a few times.

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Those damn instincts...lol

Reyhoney said:

We don’t live close to each other so it was a little complicated and slow I guess. I think the whole thing was too much/too intense/too fast during that vacation together.

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Reyhoney said:

Whose to say that? You? You don’t get to define what a relationship is and isn’t. Also I said it’s long distance, I didn’t say it’s a texting relationship. Know and understand the difference.

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You are exactly right about this. YOU get to define what a relationship is and isn't. No two relationships are alike.

Many years ago, before internet and skype and cell phones, I had a long distance relationship for nearly a decade with the man who eventually became my husband once we finally managed to get in the same town. We managed it with letters (SHOCKING, I know), audio cassettes, Ma Bell, and trysts that we worked out all sorts of ways. Our family and friends had a hard time believing we were making it work, that he was not cheating on me and that I was not cheating on him - yet... indeed it was the case. All these years later and we are still married and I still love him with all my heart. Would those years have been easier had we been able to sext? fuck yes.