IrisAlthea
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I'm thinking that in the situation DCL describes there may be no option to pass judgement at all.
My friend is an abuse victim interested in BDSM. Looking for advice.
- Thread starter Dixon Carter Lee
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I'm thinking that in the situation DCL describes there may be no option to pass judgement at all.
dreamykitten2
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It took me decades to get over the abuse I suffered.
That being said it also took me years to gain back my confidence and self esteem ! Once there I was finally comfortable in my own skin. This is very important because of that I was finally free enough to enjoy myself sexually.everyone heals differently. But she needs introspection and someone capable enough to have her see herself for who she is......... And guidance to who she wants to be. I hope her therapist is capable of helping her heal. Then she will be able to grow and flourish.
That being said it also took me years to gain back my confidence and self esteem ! Once there I was finally comfortable in my own skin. This is very important because of that I was finally free enough to enjoy myself sexually.everyone heals differently. But she needs introspection and someone capable enough to have her see herself for who she is......... And guidance to who she wants to be. I hope her therapist is capable of helping her heal. Then she will be able to grow and flourish.
SlutAddicted
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There is a big difference between passing judgment and using our judgment.
We all use our (hopefully) good judgment every time we look both ways before we cross the street or choose to eat a healthy lunch. It is a phrase the refers to using our intelligence and experience to make good decisions.
Passing judgment implies sitting in judgment of others and condemning their actions.
You know very well I am referring to this young lady being better equipped in future to use good judgment in choosing her partners......not condemning her for past actions or decisions. The point was to take some positive learning out of negative experiences and build hope that the past need not determine the future.
ultramarineblue
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She may need to find another therapist. I've seen a ton before I found the one that works for me. If she's interested in BDSM it should definitely be one kink friendly. That's easier said than to find though.
You've received a lot of good advice here. It is a good idea for her to learn how to be just friends with guys before exploring anything else. I agree with the person that stated she should be well before entering any type of relationship beyond friendship. That being said, research about BDSM might be helpful for her. Maybe she could read some of the threads here. It isn't just about sex even though that is an aspect. What does she hope to get from exploring this?
IrisAlthea
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Ok, maybe I chose the wrong words, sorry!
My point is that she might not have had any choice or room to make decisions at all. That's not uncommon when we are talking about abuse and someone who at the time was very young.
I don't think I'm getting through here, so I'm not going to go on and on about it.
SlutAddicted
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You are getting through, but we aren't in disagreement. I fully comprehend that her past experiences involved little if any room to make decisions. To the extent you and I are disagreeing I believe it is because you read the first line of my original post as being critical of her for those past decisions which is simply not the case. Beyond that one line I respectfully submit that you are not hearing me.
I see her as an innocent party who has been mistreated by men and circumstances. I just happen to believe that it is possible, prudent and empowering to reflect on past mistakes as a learning experience without having to be inherently critical of the person. My point has always been that if and when she can take some learning from that past she will be able to better equip herself in the future and therefore have some hope to break out of a bad cycle.
Athalia
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Kyla's experience parallels mine very closely. And I second everything she says about learning to regain trust and love.
One thing that bears mentioning is that while I consider myself "recovered" or "healed" in the sense that my history no longer dominates me, it's not a full healing, and probably will never be. It sometimes comes back when I least expect it ... it can be triggered by a sound, an aroma, a caress, or whatever. Now my reaction to that experience is no longer panic, but like:"Oh, so you're back. Now fuck off."
I sometimes feel like a person with an artificial leg. The original leg is gone and won't come back, but one learns to use the artificial one and regain a measure of independence and mobility, enough to deal with the world as it comes. It becomes the new "normal" and it's a damn sight better than not having an artificial leg at all.
Like Kyla, I wish you both the best of luck!
I’m my opinion she needs to do things for her. Workout, get stronger, do jiujitsu and feel confident in oneself. I don't think submissives are submissive. I’m not a fan of labels but a dom and sub, in my opinion, are equals or two sides of the same coin. The exploration of kink has to be done with the right individual that is willing to push but the use of your safeword stops everything. I’m not a therapist but definitely my thoughts is to get her focusing on her.
