BDSM: Questions and Answers

Extraordinary Reading Opportunity!

A while back, Never sent me a book she'd just finished reading, a book called Kushiel's Dart. Now i'm done reading it and i want to keep the thread of reading going, but to special people. People like you and me.

You see, Never asked me if i wanted it after her because the protagonist of this 701 page book is a masochist. She'd never read a book with an avowedly masochistic protagonist before, and neither had i. But it's a *very* good book, rest assured.

Please go here for some reviews; i'm not even going to try to review it. It's far too complex.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/A...0004904/sr=1-2/ref=sc_b_2/103-4507432-3113437

Anyway, who wants this now? It's a big book, a hard back, and i'm offering it to one of us, first. We can pass it around. All you have to do is promise to pass it on to someone from here after you're done.

Any takers? (Subbies go to the front of the line... )
:cool:
 
Thank you for the information Cymbidia on meeting people online. Ater mulling over the pro's and con's you've listed and thinking through my experiences thus far, I don't think it's a good idea for me for reasons I won't advertise out here for all to see. Now Starbucks that has potential. Maybe I should take up drinking coffee. :)
 
Meeting people from online

Hello all,

yeah it's me, remember? Ol' little Hecate who never has enough time to post after spending too much time reading the posts of all you guys *lol*

Anyway - I have to throw in my opinion about meeting people from online.

I have met many people from online and it was always wonderfull! Not once was I really disapointed or did the people turn out to be something I hadn't expected.

Maybe the reason for this is that I either knew then a long time (the extremest adventure I went on was to fly to the states to spend a week with a man I felt in love with without having him ever seen) but we knew each other for many month with the dayly phone calls - millions of e-mails and gazillions of letters and stuff and I just think it is hard to pretend over such a long time with such close contact. I met friends from a forum of a family rated community I ma a memeber of and since we first met we each year meet for a week of vacation and there are new people coming each year, none of them ever being very diferent from what we thought, I had meetings with people I haven't known for very long... when business trips took me their way and the occassion presented itself for a dinner or drinks or such .

It was ALWAYS fun and I was never disappointed. I am carefull - choose a public place to meet for the first time but hey, I just have some faith and I want to believe that my honesty just "forces" the reciproke (is that a word) reaction from my "opposites".

I wouldn'T want to stop meeting people - it is a thrill, really really fun and it gives you the chance to meet people you woul never have met if not for the internet. I will keep taking every chance <i can to meet people if I "feel" good and right about them - but will refuse if I have any doubt. I am a trusting and honest person and just assume everyone is like me *s* (and I like to think I have good "gut feeling" when it comes to people)

So just throwing in a few positive experiences for good meassure *S*
 
Cym

If no one else has said they'd like the book. I'd love to read it. I'll pass it on to whoever else wants it.
 
I would like to throw in my 2¢ worth on meeting people from on-line.

So far I've met around 12 people from on-line in real life, and I also think that every time have been a success.

The first time I did it, was about 2 years ago, when I went to the states to meed a good friend, and it worked out very well. Since then I've visited her totally 3 times, last time was in May to her wedding. And we're still great friends.

I had the pleasure of meeting Hecate in Ireland this summer, being one in the group of people, and she is indeed a very nice person! Just like the person I got to know on-line.

This fall I'll be going to GA to visit 2 people I've met here on Lit, and I have to admit that I'm looking forward to that as well! I hope to hook up with more people while I'm there, but I don't know yet, I suppose time will tell.
 
Re: Cym

lilfrk said:
If no one else has said they'd like the book. I'd love to read it. I'll pass it on to whoever else wants it.
Sure thing, darlin'! I think we should write our names in it, too, before we pass it along... should i send it back to Never for her to write her name in it or just write her name for her? Decisions, decisions, decisions...

Let's do the PM thing for snail mail info, shall we?
:cool:
 
It's up to you if you want to send it to back to Never first. Just let me know what you decide.

You have a PM.


Edit:
OK...I tried to do the PM thing but your box is full.
 
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I just ordered the book from my library. Looking forward to it. Thanks for the suggestion. Now if someone hasn't stolen it I should have it in a couple days.
 
Lilfrk? I'm sending it today, okay?

And check out a book called A Kiss of Shadows by Laurell K. Hamilton. Wow! Erotic (yes, with definite BDSM overtones) and well-written, all in one.
 
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Cym? Anytime you send it is fine with me.

I can't wait to get it. I'll also check out the other book you mentioned too. I'll read anything that has words. If it turns out to be interesting so much the better.

OK...Now a question for whoever. Someone who knows me fairly well asked me this the other day. I couldn't really answer them at the time. So I'm asking it here for some in put. I was molested from the time I was 9 until I was 15. This person asked me if I thought I was submissive because I was abused. I don't actually think my abuse has anything to do with it since I'm a very strong person outside the bedroom. Lots of people turn to me for help and I have a lot of responsibility at work.

So after all that the question is...do you think being abused as a child makes some people submissive?
 
:( really difficult question and I think the answers can only be individual - not general eg I wasn't abused and I am sub in love & sex but more Dom in business.

However, I believe that environment does play a part in building us into who we are/become:)
 
lilfrk said:
OK...Now a question for whoever. Someone who knows me fairly well asked me this the other day. I couldn't really answer them at the time. So I'm asking it here for some in put. I was molested from the time I was 9 until I was 15. This person asked me if I thought I was submissive because I was abused.

So after all that the question is...do you think being abused as a child makes some people submissive?

If you are a fairly strong person otherwise, I don't think being abused has much to do with it. If you were in an abusive relationship, that would be different. FYI, all of the subs that I know have never been abused.


I don't actually think my abuse has anything to do with it since I'm a very strong person outside the bedroom.

I think you've answered your own question.
 
<<<"
So after all that the question is...do you think being abused as a child makes some people submissive?

">>>

I think that if you are very much a top at work and sub in bed then that makes you the typical sub. Don't over-analyze this. The only reason it is considerd to be somethign to compare abuse history with is because everyone does not do this in bed--if it were more popular in our culture, then no one would consider it that way. (Think of other cultures and their sexual customs.)

Just my two cents though. (From someone who can be described teh same way.)
 
I currently experience some submissive tendencies that I would like to explore further, but I am wondering how someone in my situation (no BDSM experience what so ever) can meet my first Domme and determine whether her style of domination fits my style of submission?

I can't see there being an "interview" for this type of thing, but I have no desire at all to be dressed up in leather, ball-gagged and led around by a chain. Nevertheless, this is mainly what I am seeing of BDSM on the 'net. How can I find my diamond in the rough, so to speak, when I don't even know if such a thing exists?
 
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Not all BDSM is done in leather and gagged and chained - trust me *s*. There are many many different and much more subtile ways to express Dominance (at least in my opinion). Only fact those are maybe not really "widely published" is that they aren't as pituresc and distinctive and "clichee" so those pictures wouldn't "sell"

How to find that gem you are seeking is sure not an easy task - but hey, when is finding the right partner easy in any way?

If you aren't really too sure about yourself and what exactly you want to happen in a possible BDSM relation you may want to either "test" your reactions withing the limits of a sexual role play - or maybe just join some message boards related to the topic of BDSM just to see all the different shades out there.

Once you know for yourself what you are looking for there are many pages and links around the web to meet people with same lifestyle interests (not only the personal adds but BDSM munches and meetings like that) and so eventually you should be able to get to the "real thing" ....

Most important though imho is to stay true to yourself - don't go with things you aren't feeling comfortable with just because you think you aren't finding the right Domme and settle for less - you owe yourself that much, submissive or not!
 
blackguard said:
I currently experience some submissive tendencies that I would like to explore further, but I am wondering how someone in my situation (no BDSM experience what so ever) can meet my first Domme and determine whether her style of domination fits my style of submission?

I can't see there being an "interview" for this type of thing, but I have no desire at all to be dressed up in leather, ball-gagged and led around by a chain. Nevertheless, this is mainly what I am seeing of BDSM on the 'net. How can I find my diamond in the rough, so to speak, when I don't even know if such a thing exists?

Hecate has the right idea. Search for munches in your area and go from there.

As far as an 'interview', something similar should occur called 'negotiations'. This is where you and your partner discuss what you are each interested in and decide what will be done during the session.

Until you find Mz. Right, just hang in there. Also, just so you know, the 'BDSM' images you see on the net play up to the stereotypes of the lifestyle that most people have in mind. It's seldom that way in real life.
 
I don't know if this is considered tacky but I wanted to post this here FYI. If it's an inappropriate post, let me know and I'll delete it. It's a founding festival for the group I belong to.

For those of you who will be in the Las Vegas area in October, we would like to invite you to the following local event:

Shibari Founding Festival
October 19 through October 21
Open to individuals 21 and over that are interested in the BDSM lifestyle! Come join us as Shibari celebrates its birthday. It will be a weekend of fun, workshops, play and just good old fashioned socialization. We have something for everyone!

For more information on the weekend, visit our website at http://www.shibari.org/found.html
There are links with the schedule and prices available, as well as contact information if you have any questions or would like additional information.
 
A so-far overlooked method to find a Domme, blackguard, is via the lifestyle personals, places such as alt.com.

There, via email, you can contact all those whose ads interest you, and others can contact you. You can begin to get to know who the others are as people and as Dommes before you ever take the next step of actually meeting them for coffee or dessert somewhere in public.

You can discover who you are and what you want a bit more via lengthy email conversations with those to whom you might be surrendering your power, too, before you have actually do so.

I may be very wrong, but i get the sense that you don't really know, specifically, *what* you want or need, only that you want it and need it. If that is true, please do a pretty in depth literature search on the subject of BDSM, focusing on submission, before you go out there and actually do something - something that might not be right or good for you only because you don't know what *is* what you want.

Here are a couple links to get you going:

http://alt.com/welcome/

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html

http://www.castlerealm.com/subspace/subspace.htm

http://www.submission.net/bdsm.html#contact

Please be careful. Know, too, that your submission is a valuable part of who you are and what you have to offer a Domme.

Please let us know how you're doing.


~~~~~~~~~~
Addendum: BB? IMO, your post was not inappropriate at all. Life goes on, darlin'.
 
While I will admit to being a bit vague on what I do want, I have a firm list of where I will not go, which is a start, I guess. Thanks to everyone for the links and the tips on getting in touch with someone electronically - despite posting on this forum (which implies some small technical knowledge) I hadn't even thought of checking a newsgroup on the subject.

It is at least heartening that d/s can be done without the regalia and that this is common enough that I mind find someone with like interests. After tentatively scoping out the 'net while my room mates were in bed, things didn't look so promising.

I will go on a submission crusade and see what I can find in my area.
 
It's seldom that way in real life

so true.

Why not start by reading BDSM stories? The fantasies are interesting and give different perspectives on D/s.

...cough...thought about shamless plug and decided against..cough
 
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