Things you wish you knew before divorce...

wickedangeleyes

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Things you wish you knew befor you filed for divorce...
I am unfortunately at a crossroads, I have been in a bad marriage for a long time and I believe there is just nothing left to save anymore. We are making each other miserable, he hates me and I just feel numb..

It is time to set us both free.

I would like for it to be a mutual non violent, best case scenario break. I have not officially filed yet, nor have I informed him of my plans (I doubt he will be shocked, I also doubt he will care in the least other than maybe anger that I dared to walk away from him when I am the one who is not worthy of him)

Does anyone who has been through it have any advice? Things you wish you knew, things you would do differently if you could go back...

Thanks for any input, it has been a difficult weekend and on top of finding out that my dad's leukemia is a more aggressive form I am just not sure how much more I can take before breaking completely at this point.
 
Things you wish you knew befor you filed for divorce...
I am unfortunately at a crossroads, I have been in a bad marriage for a long time and I believe there is just nothing left to save anymore. We are making each other miserable, he hates me and I just feel numb..

It is time to set us both free.

I would like for it to be a mutual non violent, best case scenario break. I have not officially filed yet, nor have I informed him of my plans (I doubt he will be shocked, I also doubt he will care in the least other than maybe anger that I dared to walk away from him when I am the one who is not worthy of him)

Does anyone who has been through it have any advice? Things you wish you knew, things you would do differently if you could go back...

Thanks for any input, it has been a difficult weekend and on top of finding out that my dad's leukemia is a more aggressive form I am just not sure how much more I can take before breaking completely at this point.

#1. Thinking that you can 'change' the other party. It just doesn't work that way. (That goes for you too by the way.)

#2. Lust is not love. Love lasts, lust is transient.

#3. Trying to make the best of a bad situation only makes it worse. Cut your loses early.

Ishmael


#2
 
#1. Thinking that you can 'change' the other party. It just doesn't work that way. (That goes for you too by the way.)

#2. Lust is not love. Love lasts, lust is transient.

#3. Trying to make the best of a bad situation only makes it worse. Cut your loses early.

Ishmael


#2


Yeah, I am wishing I realized #3 about 14 years ago since my youngest child is 15. My kids are one of the few good things that have come out of this 20 year battle.
 
Yeah, I am wishing I realized #3 about 14 years ago since my youngest child is 15. My kids are one of the few good things that have come out of this 20 year battle.

Before you say anything, go online and then consult an attorney to find out the laws in your state. First consult is free, find out the cost, the retainer, how much per hour.

Then, go to the courthouse to find out how to file yourself, the filing fees. In Georgia, you can file if you've had a paralegal file out the proper documents.

Present whatever information you chose, for onstance, 'it costs less if we agree and file ourselves'

Some states will allow him to remain in the home if it is in both your names/lease agreement signed by both.

The more you both can agree upon the less money you will pay your lawyer.

See if your state allows a 'marital agreement ' (California does) this is where you can hash out everything and agree, then have it written into the divorce and just pay the filing fee.

Write everything down, keep track of everything.

It's not easy, but I think the hardest part is getting up the nerve to say it's over.
 
I did a California no-fault long ago. Both of us wanted out so it was no problem.

Will your spouse resist? Will he fuck with you just because he can? Will any child or property issues intrude? Do you need a lawyer?

Good luck on your escape.
 
I did a California no-fault long ago. Both of us wanted out so it was no problem.

Will your spouse resist? Will he fuck with you just because he can? Will any child or property issues intrude? Do you need a lawyer?

Good luck on your escape.

I have no clue what he will do. Judging by what he says to me now there is nothing about me that he likes even slightly. I don't know if he will get vengeful or not, unfortunately the house is in his name only (paid off by my parents and on their land, don't know how that will work out) my car is in his name.. We have two children but one turns 18 this week so I don't know if he will agree to help with her college or not. He makes more money than I do, and he has a bonus that will be coming in the fall for a project he is on now, he is currently living in California three weeks out of the month. I would prefer to have the papers delivered to him there because he gets mean but I don't even know his address there. We also have three dogs.

I feel sick when I even think about what the future holds.
 
Thank you barefootgirl69 for those points, they are very helpful.

I will be talking with a lawyer next week.:(
 
I've been married 43 years. I met the bride at the Laundromat and we got married a few weeks later. I cant name anyone who gave us a whiff of hope. But we had the essential ingredients that most relationships die without.

The first essential is a desire to make her dreams come true. Girls want different things and so you gotta pay attention and get busy.

The second essential is covering her ass when its exposed. Often when she opposes and resists protection. Do what's right and fuck what she likes.
 
If there is negotiation to be done, mediation is less expensive and less adversarial than having lawyers go back and forth.
 
At some point in time, someone will make a move out of hurt.. or anger.. or resentment
and it will be painful
and it will be nobody's fault
and it doesn't mean that you never loved each other
 
Get a good lawyer before anyone else know anything. H/she should be able to help you make the process as easy as an impossible situation can be. But the point is to get the lawyer BEFORE hand.
 
For my divorce we had no property to fight over. We both had our own vehicles so we kept the one we drove.

We were able to talk out much of it before the actual court date. We were lucky and the stuff we didnt' agree on, the judge talked us through the typical rulings short of a longer court battle, we found our middle ground and got out with signed papers the first court date.

Results may vary. . .

Honestly we get along better and appreciate each other so much more now that we're apart. As she is the mother of my children, I can honestly say I probably love her more for the things she's had to go through with us not being in the same house and me being gone for things than I did when I was there able to help out more. If you both want the same thing and can keep your heads on straight, it can be a smooth process that in the end benifits both of you.
 
"We can go through lawyers and say goodbye to a fuck load of money that neither of us will ever see again or we can hate each other enough to get this shit sorted as quickly and maturely possible."
 
"We can go through lawyers and say goodbye to a fuck load of money that neither of us will ever see again or we can hate each other enough to get this shit sorted as quickly and maturely possible."

Exactly what I told my ex. Let's get this done because I want you out of my life.
 
"We can go through lawyers and say goodbye to a fuck load of money that neither of us will ever see again or we can hate each other enough to get this shit sorted as quickly and maturely possible."

Boiled down to, "Can we be fucking adults for ten fucking minutes?" Of course, in many situations, being adults for ten minutes saves a marriage, but not always.

I was a child of parents who couldn't be adults for ten minutes and got divorced - or rather, my father could be an adult but it soon morphed into being a self-righteous, bullheaded fuckwit who blamed me for damn near everything bad that happened within a mile of me, and my mother was a whining, shrill, co-dependent histrionic waste of oxygen who argued with my father in front of me - on purpose - and sat and did nothing while her bitch of a partner steamrolled me for everything my father did and my worthless narcissist of a brother squealed to her.

However, plenty of people who get divorced can still be grown-ups about it and not royally fuck up their children. And let's be honest, you don't need to make some divorce lawyer's boat payment. Let them hustle a fucking Kardashian for a payday.
 
My divorce was difficult. We were in a long separation, with the understanding that we would go through mediation to avoid conflict and avoid making some attorney rich. But then I was surprised at work one day by being served with a stack of orders prepared by an attorney she hired. Basically, I was turned upside down and shaken vigorously to see how much change fell out of my pockets. I had to start over financially.

I was finally free of a bad situation. My youngest kid was 19 by then, so most of the custody drama took place during the prior separation period. I recovered emotionally, but I don't think she did, and it has now been 17 years since the divorce. As much as I tried, there was never any transition into being civil or comfortably sharing the life experiences of our kids and grandkids.

As someone else said, results will vary.

By the way, I did not spend a lot of money on attorney fees, but just enough to find out what my options were.
 
I am coming up on my year anniversary of my divorce. A few points to note. We were able to do all the paperwork ourselves - but we are in Illinois, I don't know how that works where you are. The divorce was my idea. We were able to get online with our County Clerk's office and printed a FAQ and the documents we needed. My ex drafted our Marital Separation Agreement, and we discussed each part as he finished. We have one daughter and settled on 50/50 custody and 50/50 split of all costs for her (school registration, med bills, etc). We had 2 cars, so I took one, he took one. I wanted out badly enough that I walked away from our house. But there wasn't much equity in it anyway, we had recently refinanced. All in all, once I dropped the bomb there were some tearful, tense moments, but I am so much happier now. It was a tough ride, but it has all worked out.

Have hope. Be strong. Lean on your friends. Consult an attorney, but handle the rest of the paperwork on your own so you don't go broke.

Here to chat anytime you need.

Xoxo
Ccg :)
 
Thank you so much to everyone! I am meeting with a lawyer for an initial consultation next week. I doubt the kids will be a problem, he has absolutely no interest in them whatsoever, he never has. He will fight harder for the dogs than for them. I have no clue how I will tell him, I have been sick worrying about it. I don't hate him, I am far from perfect so this isn't entirely his fault. I don't want to bleed him dry or get revenge. I don't want him to be miserable, he deserves happiness and he has made it clear I can't make him happy. I want to be happy too, or at least just not have to live with this hot coal in my belly wondering what I am going to do or say to make him angry next. I can't remember what it feels like to laugh with someone anymore and not spend all my time looking around for the next firing line.
 
Don't count on him not trying for custody. Even if he's not interested in it for its own sake, it's not unknown for people to use custody as a bargaining chip's

Lawyers are expensive but not as expensive as some of the crap that can happen if you don't have one. Mediation is likely better for all concerned but still worth having a lawyer look at the agreements to warn you about possible pitfalls. One of the classics is for the ex to conceal their income/assets to avoid payments.
 
Things you wish you knew befor you filed for divorce...
I am unfortunately at a crossroads, I have been in a bad marriage for a long time and I believe there is just nothing left to save anymore. We are making each other miserable, he hates me and I just feel numb..

It is time to set us both free.

I would like for it to be a mutual non violent, best case scenario break. I have not officially filed yet, nor have I informed him of my plans (I doubt he will be shocked, I also doubt he will care in the least other than maybe anger that I dared to walk away from him when I am the one who is not worthy of him)

Does anyone who has been through it have any advice? Things you wish you knew, things you would do differently if you could go back...

Thanks for any input, it has been a difficult weekend and on top of finding out that my dad's leukemia is a more aggressive form I am just not sure how much more I can take before breaking completely at this point.

Sweetheart, get you a Lawyer and listen and think about what he has to say.

Decide what you want to do about certain things like property and money... any children and such things. The person who files has an advantage.

Tell him after you have filed, sounds like it could get even more unpleasant...

Note: I've been divorced four times, listen to me!
 
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Things you wish you knew befor you filed for divorce...
I am unfortunately at a crossroads, I have been in a bad marriage for a long time and I believe there is just nothing left to save anymore. We are making each other miserable, he hates me and I just feel numb..

It is time to set us both free.

I would like for it to be a mutual non violent, best case scenario break. I have not officially filed yet, nor have I informed him of my plans (I doubt he will be shocked, I also doubt he will care in the least other than maybe anger that I dared to walk away from him when I am the one who is not worthy of him)

Does anyone who has been through it have any advice? Things you wish you knew, things you would do differently if you could go back...

Thanks for any input, it has been a difficult weekend and on top of finding out that my dad's leukemia is a more aggressive form I am just not sure how much more I can take before breaking completely at this point.

Have a job, transportation, and a safe place to go when an amicable split doesn't work. In my case, I was a stay at home mom whose husband totalled my car. By the time he totalled my car, I was willing to keep trying. Duh. A few weeks later, the wife of his best friend called me and told me he was laughing about me and saying how gullible I was. That was the end for me. Even then, I tried to keep things amicable. It didn't work. Twenty plus years later, and he blames me for his having to marry his current wife.
 
Several years ago me and the bride almost went the divorce route.The issue was an important struggle she lost with me. And when I won she hated it. She saw a lawyer who wanted to unleash hell on me. So I said to the bride, Carolyn wants to fuck both of us so here's what I suggest:

Pick which of the cars you want, you get the house but not a dime of my retirement. I off all the debt, etc and moved out. I got health insurance for her. Her new honey was a stingy piece of shit. She never filed for divorce, and I let it ride for 5 years. She couldn't do better than me, she was pissed cause I won our struggle. I always win, she knew that when we were newly weds. I don't go to war over chicken shit issues, and I don't cave with the important things. And I don't fuck over the people I beat.
 
Things you wish you knew befor you filed for divorce...
I am unfortunately at a crossroads, I have been in a bad marriage for a long time and I believe there is just nothing left to save anymore. We are making each other miserable, he hates me and I just feel numb..

It is time to set us both free.

I would like for it to be a mutual non violent, best case scenario break. I have not officially filed yet, nor have I informed him of my plans (I doubt he will be shocked, I also doubt he will care in the least other than maybe anger that I dared to walk away from him when I am the one who is not worthy of him)

Does anyone who has been through it have any advice? Things you wish you knew, things you would do differently if you could go back...

Thanks for any input, it has been a difficult weekend and on top of finding out that my dad's leukemia is a more aggressive form I am just not sure how much more I can take before breaking completely at this point.


Don't post anything on social media that you wouldn't hand over to HIS lawyer.
 
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