Dusting off my pen...here it goes

twelveoone said:

re: tightrope, as you add, subtract
you are doing fine, btw. But be leery of abstraction. A tightrope walk is dangerous, a balance, a foot on a wire, step by step, feel the wind.

Best.
as said, piece by piece it becomes a mosaic
words, tools, the reader get's the picture.

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greenmountaineer said:

My thoughts, Matryoshka (I love that name because of the dolls.) if you're interested:

"curses" could be replaced by a specific expletive to be more graphic than abstract, e.g., "goddams prohibited" This also vulgarizes the man speaking to her and sets up the last two lines.

For me the sonics work better with

"curses (or other expletive) prohibited
.......
Yelling's forbidden"

"...enough/on righteous queue:: I think "on righteous queue" is by definition "enough" for the speaker. Hence, I suggest it's redundant. Besides, I again the sonics work better with:

"Now be sexy
on righteous queue"

I really like the last 3 lines.

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Matryoshka said:

I like your suggestions. I do, though, have 2 questions:
1) regarding the expletive instead oc the word curse. It is supposed to be portraying how she is to be the proper lady, no loss of control, no show of emotion, and it is she that is not allowed to curse.
Your comment about vulgarizing him speaking to her, I wanted to be sure it didn't give the impression it was him speaking.
..............this very second a lightbulb just went on. When I wrote the poem I wrote it from her perspective almost as if she were talking to herself, pissed off and venting. Now I see that it could have been read more as rules outlined and expected by him, narrated by him-thus your addition do the expletive.
I have to go back and read again and tweak, and decide which direction I like. I'm leaning towards the second now. Wow...
2) Yelling's vs yelling is. - with the "properness" in mind I was keeping to regular grammar without contractions (my old English teacher would completely flip at contractions and the word "like"). I will read more on sonics so I can weigh the need and importance against sound and rhythm properly.

Greatly,appreciated

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Matryoshka said:

1201 many thank!
When you say be leery of abstraction, are you saying that be stripping it too far down I lose the sensations that some with the walk? I think?

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greenmountaineer said:

While I heard her talking to herself, I heard her "parroting" what he was saying in a domineering voice, hence the vulgarity. Your explanation certainly makes sense. For me, it wasn't an omission as much as a nuance.

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