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Humor Thread

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A:
"I don't understand women. My wife is making me learn "tantric sex" so that she also can be "fulfilled". "

B:
"Last night I gave my Girl an orgasm. To be fair though, I think she spat it out."
 
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to
the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in
a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a
good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good
time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down the pub with me ?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?

This time, a little voice came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
 
Ha ha ha! That poor centipede! Did they ever get out the door before closing time?

That pregnant priest joke was very naughty! ROFLOL.
 
NaokoSmith said:
Did you figure it out?

Just put the picture up as an attachment, then before posting, click on the link for the piccie. Put that link into your post using the image icon (above - small yellow postcard of mountains). Carry on posting! LOL.

LOL that poor beauty queen trying to get pregnant.
Click to expand...

Yep, That's what I did. Thanks for helping.
DG
 
72837_531902936855566_660012371_n.jpg
 
Back in the day:

Bill Clinton was on vacation in the mountains. He walked out on the deck off his second floor room at the ski lodge and looked around while taking a deep breath of the cold clean mountain air.

Then he did a double take. Written in the fresh snow below the deck was a message. It said, "Death to Bill Clinton!"

He hurried inside, found his Secret Service agent, an dragged the young man out onto the deck. He pointed at the message and yelled, "Find out who wrote that and everything about everyone involved."

"Yes sir!" the agent said and disappeared inside.

A few minutes later, a dozen agents from three different departments surrounded the message. Bill nodded to himself and went inside.

Later that afternoon the secret service agent approached the president.

"Sir, I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Ok, give the bad news first."

"Uh.... the message was written in piss and it's your vice president Al Gore's pee."

Wide eyed Bill looked at the man. "What the hell could be worse than that?"

"It's.... uh.... Hilary's handwriting."
 
A few oldies, one liners.

Why do farts stink?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they are worth it.

A husband returns home to find his wife in bed with a naked man. ???what are you doing???, he shouts. The wife replies to her lover: ???I told you he was stupid!???.

A Doctor tells a patient: ???I have bad news for you. You have cancer and Alzhiemer???s disease???.
The man replies: ???Well, thank god I don???t have cancer!???.

Any woman that thinks the way to a man???s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high???.
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
'Thou shall not kill.'
 
Two ladies on a park bench, chatting.

"I asked my husband if it was OK to film us when wee had sex", said the first.

The second smiled and said: "I'll bet he said Yes".

"He was ecstatic at first," said the first, "But not so much later. I think he imagined he would be involved".
 
Crying with laughter at this fantastic and true five star review on Amazon of the Bic 'For Her' Lady pens, as shared by George Takei.

Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0...veASIN=B004F9QBE6&linkCode=as2&tag=geek03b-20
 
NaokoSmith said:
Crying with laughter at this fantastic and true five star review on Amazon of the Bic 'For Her' Lady pens, as shared by George Takei.

Someone has answered my gentle prayers and FINALLY designed a pen that I can use all month long! I use it when I'm swimming, riding a horse, walking on the beach and doing yoga. It's comfortable, leak-proof, non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty! Since I've begun using these pens, men have found me more attractive and approchable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair and it has really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bag-boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved, and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with the Robert Pattinson's last name, I really believe he may some day marry me! I'm positively giddy. Those smart men in marketing have come up with a pen that my lady parts can really identify with.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0...veASIN=B004F9QBE6&linkCode=as2&tag=geek03b-20
Click to expand...

Did you ever see the "Reviews" for Veet hair remover for men?
They were truly hysterical, but don't believe a word of any of them
 
Quotes:

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

My Mum said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
 
A few one liners

Keep Fit
Tommy- " Can you teach me to do the splits " ?
Gym Instructor- " How flexible are you " ?
Tommy- " Well..I can't make Tuesday's " .

Lightbulb
How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.

Fired
Boss: You are Fired!
Employee: Why? I am such a steady worker!
Boss: Yes, If you were any steadier you would be motionless!

Differences
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 Pounds.
Q: And between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: about 45 minutes.
 
Apparently Trinidad and Tobago banks have started offering this free pencil sharpener to customers in gratitude for the massive profit they made last year. This might even be a true story ....

314951_10151609026634808_1604652897_n.jpg
 
NaokoSmith

Thank you for being a big part of the humor thread. I know HP and I appreciate it.
Love Ya
DG :eek:
 
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