Humor Thread

Breathalyzer Test

A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it
over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence,
but just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test.

Sure enough, she's over the limit, so the trooper says, "Madam, you've
had a couple of stiff ones."


"Oh," says the lady, "it shows that too?"

DG Hear said:

A state trooper notices a car weaving in the road, and when he pulls it
over a beautiful woman gets out. She is clearly under the influence,
but just to make sure he gives her the breathalyzer test.

Sure enough, she's over the limit, so the trooper says, "Madam, you've
had a couple of stiff ones."


"Oh," says the lady, "it shows that too?"

Click to expand...

lol, that's quite a test.

Some things you just can't explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook
his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat
down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking
her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and
kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you
just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?"
the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it
to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things
you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got
the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't
explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took
off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

What Does A Kiss Taste Like?

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?
The other day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a
Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

ALL IN THE GAME!

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day’s sightseeing he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied, “I am, sorry senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

The next morning the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

The waiter promptly replied, “Si senor, sometimes the bull wins!”

A cautionary tale

I went grocery shopping recently, not entirely sure it was wise. I had consumed a considerable amount of my "You are definitely gonna shit your ass raw" chili. It's tasty going down, but coming out...well, I warn everybody who wants some your ass cheeks will fall off.

I awakened that morning and downed several cups of coffee...nothing happened.
Despite the habanero peppers doing the backstroke in my colon, I appeared unable to create my usual morning symphony that my neighbors refer to as thunder and lightning.

So, I took a chance and went to Wal-Mart to hunt for tasty tidbits. I selected a cart and began prowling the food aisles, when it hit me. A cramp that almost doubled me over. The brown was rumbling and the bathrooms were at the other end of the store.

I was afraid to move. The habaneros were in revolt, storming the small intestine, charging through the large intestine, finally firing a warning shot in spite of my efforts to surpress it.

A noxious green cloud enveloped me, I noticed labels beginning to peel away from jars on the shelves. I clenched my buttocks and tottered towards the bathroom. Then an old woman came down the aisle and walked into it.

I couldn't warn her in time, so I watched as she coughed and gasped, waving her arms about as if swatting angry bees. This struck me as hilarious and I began to laugh. Bad move.

As I laughed my sphincter relaxed and I began releasing more green gas, the accompanying noises sounding like blasts from a shotgun, causing several patrons to dive for the floor.

I raced across the store leaving clouds in my wake, hearing people coughing and sneezing behind me. I barely made it to the toilet when another round emerged along with solid shot. Several men left abruptly saying "Son of a bitch" and "What died in here?"

When I emerged, ready to resume shopping, a greeter approached me and said "Sir, we're evacuating the store. Some vandal set off stink bombs and we need to clear the air before you can return."

I began to laugh, allowing residual gases to escape. The man reeled back and screamed "It's you!" I was escorted from the premises and told not to return.

My shopping interrupted, I returned home. I was hungry, but there was only chili left over so I finished it. I decided to shop at Albertson's instead, but I cannot say more due to the impending court date. The bastards want me to pay for repainting the store. We'll see about this.

Pregnancy Advice...

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question, dork?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

Glorious!

Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

Legendary Proverbs

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

NEW MICHIGAN TORNADO POLICY


In the case of tornadoes sweeping through Michigan, we are asking all Michiganders to take shelter at Ford Field located at the heart of Detroit City .
We are fairly certain a touchdown will not occur there.


Just so you know, Michigan was my home state. Go Lions!
DG

State Flowers

Not a joke, but it shows all the State Flowers.

State Flowers

Be sure to watch this to the end when all the state flowers come together as one. Be sure and have your speakers on too. It's beautiful! You can look up your state's flower for more information.

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=1221321706636&source=jl999

Cows, Cows, Cows ...

The only cow in a small Illinois town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200.

They brought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

FALLING IN LOVE

Suzy Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it all, she told her pappy so.

Pap told her, "Suzie Gal" you’d have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother."

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will
But, after telling pappy this he said, "There's trouble still."

"You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,
’cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother."

But Mama knew and said, "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

Want a Raise

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh


The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

The Roman Orgy

This happened in good old days.


A blonde girl, with a lisp, woke up after a five day and night long Roman orgy. She was confronted by a man, who beating his chest announced proudly, “I am Thor.”

The blonde looked at him, lisping loudly, “THORE! YOU ARE THORE! I AM THO THORE THAT I CAN HARDLY PITH.”

Bumper Snickers #2

This is My other car.

We're born naked, wet and hungry...then things get worse.

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

Yes, this is my truck. No I won't help you move.

King Kong. He died for our sins.

I love animals. They're delicious.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

PENIS: Strong enough for a man. Made for a woman.

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Don't believe everything you think.

SUBURBIA: Where they tear down the trees and name the streets after them.

My other vehicle is in orbit.

Honk if anything falls off.

Just keep staring. I may do a trick.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

You know, Sigmund. Maybe it is just a cigar.

Legalize me.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of 'Smart'?

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

I have no idea where I'm going.

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

If I had a life, I wouldn't need a bumper sticker.

PETA: People eating tasty animals.

A PBS mind trapped in an MTV world.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

Officer, will this bumper sticker saying
Support Law Enforcement
Save me from getting a ticket?

The longest journey begins with a flat tire.

Electra loves daddy.

Stamp out Mental Health.

hahaha... funny ones Ton. The last one I saw said

"I'm not playing with myself, I'm adjusting my jewelry."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

You Might Be In A Redneck Volunteer Fire Department If...

1. your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene.

2. you have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.

3. your firehouse has wheels.

4. you've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.

5. Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk.

6. you've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground.

7. at least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January.

8. your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it.

9. you don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky.

10. you've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.

11. your rescue truck can smoke the tires.

12. your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.

13. your engine had to be towed in the last Christmas Parade.

14. dispatch can't mention your name without laughing.

15. the local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarassed them last time.

16. your defib consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery, and a fish finder.

17. you've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.

18. your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.

19. your pumper smokes more than the house fire.

20. the only time the trucks leave the station is on bingo night.

Are You Ready to Have Kids?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"