How to ... write a PM to a woman

KimGordon67

Rampant feminist
Joined
Dec 9, 2014
Posts
8,379
How to ... write a PM a woman

So after being in here for a while, and being female, I've received my fair share of PMs from guys, pretty much running the gamut of possibilities (although, weirdly, no dick pics ... and no, this is not an invitation to send me a dick pic). It's struck me over time that there's a whole range of ways of attempting to strike up an exchange that just don't work, or at least don't work for me, but there also seem to be a fair few guys saying 'women never respond to my PMs' ... so here's a place where those of us who like a healthy conversation might put some hints.

This is NOT a thread about 'how to PM a woman if you want to get off in the next 90 seconds'. I have no idea how you'd do that. This thread is premised on the assumption that you're wanting to have a conversation with said woman, that may or may not lead to something else. It's based around the idea that people on the interweb are still human beings who just interact like human beings do ... although the context does introduce some previously unlikely variables.

Anyone who feels inclined to contribute is welcome to. I don't expect many people will come looking for this thread, but if it turns into something useful, I'd like to add the link to my profile so that I don't have to keep repeating myself.

This is a bit gender-specific, because that's sort of the nature of Lit - men tend to send the majority of PMs, and women tend to receive the majority of them. But I suspect most of what gets said in here would apply either way - certainly, if I do PM someone, I do exactly what I'd want someone to do if they were PMing me.

Preliminary reading definitely includes these two threads:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=387054&page=202
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1066358
 
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1. Make it clear that you're PMing HER

One of the long list of PMs I dislike receiving is the one that basically says 'you appear to be breathing and female, and you're online ... wanna chat?' This is, in all probability, a version of the 'I want to get off in the next 90 seconds' variety, but if that's what you're wanting, just say so, so then I can say 'no' and move on.

If there's something about her that's made you want to contact her, do a bit of research first. Any of us who are actually interested in conversing will usually have a bit of information in here ... reasonably full profiles, threads we've started about things we're interested in, etc. Do at least a modicum of reading and, if you're still interested enough to message her, say something in that message that indicates you've read something she's written, and what it was about that you found interesting/intriguing (although try to avoid saying 'intriguing' - it's horribly over-used)/annoying/funny/whatever. If we've put anything about ourselves in here, we tend to not want to have to repeat that stuff over and over again ... especially the stuff that's in our profiles.

If you're too important or busy to bother reading someone's profile, don't bother PMing them.
 
1a. Don't spam

The other thing, which is somewhat related, that irks me is those carefully crafted PMs that seem very off-the-cuff and casual and charming ... except I received the exact same PM from you three months ago. We're not stupid. We remember that shit. I'm not 'charmed' by the fact that you have a form PM that you send to every person who appears to be female, breathing and online just because you managed to inject a bit of humour into it.
 
I submitted this bit of advice on Sassy's PM thread after seeing so many men lament their lack of responses to unsolicited requests.

If I may, I'd like to offer my own unsolicited advice...

Much of what I have to say has been echoed by many here, in Sassy's thread in particular.

Guys, the good news is, it really is a very low bar here on Lit. The women of Lit are inundated with countless unsolicited requests for pics and cyber to the point it's a wonder any of them stay. Thank goodness so many wonderful ladies do. You really don't have to do much to stand out from the 'crowd' of unimaginative pigs that pervade the threads.

Trust me when I say, I have sent countless unsolicited PMs over the years. And I have almost always not only received a response, but received a very nice and warm reply. And you know what else? It's incredibly easy. But you have to do more than send a non offensive PM. If all you have as an opening is "How are you tonight?" you are likely to get nothing more than a "Fine" response. If a response at all. You have to engage them in conversation and encourage them to keep up the discussion as things progress to more than one simple PM exchange.

Just be marginally aware of who they are (reading profiles will do wonders), what is going on in the threads and follow a few posts. Sending a PM to someone and referencing something in their profile or a post they made at least helps them know you are paying attention. And it gets the conversation started. You will be surprised how willing these wonderful ladies are to interact with you. If you simply come across as being observant and willing to engage in a simple exchange. A little civility will do wonders for you around here!

Speaking of profiles, be sure to have one of your own. The more information you include, the more it will help the women know something about those with whom they are interacting. And be honest but prepared. If you all you talk about in your profile is how big your cock is, how experienced you are as a Dom and bragging of your conquests, you're not likely to get much in the way of a response.

Same with posts. Have some. Post in the threads your subject posts in. Even better (read - more points for you) if you interact her with or respond to one of her posts. I guarantee the first two things she will do in response to an unsolicited PM is check your profile and take a look at your last dozen or so posts.

If all you want is a visual or auditory stimulus to jack off, there are plenty of easy, free sites to find it. Presumably if you are here, you want at least some minimal, slightly more personal interaction. The point here on Lit is the women of Lit are a vast and diverse resource of fantastic and erotic messages. Following the simple tips above have led me to some of the most volcanic exchanges imaginable. As Sassy and others have said, the ladies of Lit are just as horny as you are. And just as interested in sexy exchanges including everything from PMs to pics to audio to chat to voice to even meeting. But they almost universally want and need some kind of connection before they will open themselves and their own intimate desires and dark fantasies.

Good luck!
 
Ah ha - I did not realise someone had started a similar thread (although it doesn't surprise me in the slightest). It's nice to see you basically saying much of the stuff I've already said - nothing like having a perspective validating through triangulation.

I submitted this bit of advice on Sassy's PM thread after seeing so many men lament their lack of responses to unsolicited requests.

If I may, I'd like to offer my own unsolicited advice...

Much of what I have to say has been echoed by many here, in Sassy's thread in particular.

Guys, the good news is, it really is a very low bar here on Lit. The women of Lit are inundated with countless unsolicited requests for pics and cyber to the point it's a wonder any of them stay. Thank goodness so many wonderful ladies do. You really don't have to do much to stand out from the 'crowd' of unimaginative pigs that pervade the threads.

Trust me when I say, I have sent countless unsolicited PMs over the years. And I have almost always not only received a response, but received a very nice and warm reply. And you know what else? It's incredibly easy. But you have to do more than send a non offensive PM. If all you have as an opening is "How are you tonight?" you are likely to get nothing more than a "Fine" response. If a response at all. You have to engage them in conversation and encourage them to keep up the discussion as things progress to more than one simple PM exchange.

Just be marginally aware of who they are (reading profiles will do wonders), what is going on in the threads and follow a few posts. Sending a PM to someone and referencing something in their profile or a post they made at least helps them know you are paying attention. And it gets the conversation started. You will be surprised how willing these wonderful ladies are to interact with you. If you simply come across as being observant and willing to engage in a simple exchange. A little civility will do wonders for you around here!

Speaking of profiles, be sure to have one of your own. The more information you include, the more it will help the women know something about those with whom they are interacting. And be honest but prepared. If you all you talk about in your profile is how big your cock is, how experienced you are as a Dom and bragging of your conquests, you're not likely to get much in the way of a response.

Same with posts. Have some. Post in the threads your subject posts in. Even better (read - more points for you) if you interact her with or respond to one of her posts. I guarantee the first two things she will do in response to an unsolicited PM is check your profile and take a look at your last dozen or so posts.

If all you want is a visual or auditory stimulus to jack off, there are plenty of easy, free sites to find it. Presumably if you are here, you want at least some minimal, slightly more personal interaction. The point here on Lit is the women of Lit are a vast and diverse resource of fantastic and erotic messages. Following the simple tips above have led me to some of the most volcanic exchanges imaginable. As Sassy and others have said, the ladies of Lit are just as horny as you are. And just as interested in sexy exchanges including everything from PMs to pics to audio to chat to voice to even meeting. But they almost universally want and need some kind of connection before they will open themselves and their own intimate desires and dark fantasies.

Good luck!
 
2. Don't expect her to do the work

The next strategy that irks me is the 'What do you want to know about me?' question in the first, or even second, message. This might almost be OK if there's a reasonable amount of information about you around the place, but even then it's borderline. However, it is an absolute dead duck if you have an empty profile and three posts from 2008. You PMed her, don't make HER work out how to start the conversation. And honestly, no one can answer that question working from a blank slate. If we're ever (and here I mean the totally general 'we') wanting to know something about someone, it's almost always provoked by some pre-existing information... 'why does he think that?' 'What's Alaska like to live in?' 'Have you ever seen that band live?' 'Does your wife know you're bisexual?' ... see how all those questions would necessitate something already being in the ether. But is the sole information I have is your user name and join date, I have literally no idea what I'd like to know about you, and am tempted to revert to questions like 'Are you the monarch of a small central European nation?' or 'Do you have one foot significantly bigger than the other?'

'What would you like to know about me?', at least as an opener, is a question that reeks of laziness and/or a over-developed sense of self importance. Again - you PMed her ... it's your job to get the ball rolling. (Hint - see above and think about maybe opening the conversation with something you've identified about her that you find interesting/intriguing :rolleyes: /funny/irritating/etc.)
 
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3. Are you really compatible?

I'm married. I've fooled around. I've just described ... I don't know, maybe 20% of the human population. (That's a guess based on no research whatsoever, or even much thought, but you get my point, and I'm betting the proportions are higher on Lit.) The fact that you're married and have fooled around does not mean we have 'so much in common'. Similarly, I like music - you like music. Still not meaning we have a lot in common, unless Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds also happen to be on high rotate in your car stereo.
And really, you need to trust our instinct on this front. Most of the women who have been around here for a while (and, I imagine, the men) have gotten pretty adept at establishing whether someone is interesting to them or not. If I say 'I can't really see that we have much in common', and you say 'But I LOVE music - I have every Nickelback album ever recorded', and I say 'yeah ... still not feeling it', just trust that we're probably right. If we're not compatible, it's just a waste of everyone's time pursuing a conversation. Sometimes it's really hard to put your finger on what the lack of spark is, so don't push the issue too hard. We're not saying this to be difficult. And yes, we are pretty fussy ... I don't know about you, but I have a lot going on in my life, and finding the time for online exchanges with people that I'm just not really connecting with is pretty low on my list of priorities. It should be low on yours as well. This isn't a personal attack - I'm sure you're a lovely guy and out there somewhere is your Nickelback-loving soulmate, but I'm equally sure I'm not her, and it's a waste of your time as well as mine to try to force the issue.

It's helpful to do a bit of research first in this respect. Although I've ended up having some fun exchanges with people that I haven't really had a lot in common with, it's usually because at least our sense of humour is kind of the same ... but usually the PMer has already worked that out from looking at a few posts, and PMed with something that's made me laugh.
 
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One of the long list of PMs I dislike receiving is the one that basically says 'you appear to be breathing and female, and you're online ... wanna chat?' This is, in all probability, a version of the 'I want to get off in the next 90 seconds' variety, but if that's what you're wanting, just say so, so then I can say 'no' and move on.

If there's something about her that's made you want to contact her, do a bit of research first. Any of us who are actually interested in conversing will usually have a bit of information in here ... reasonably full profiles, threads we've started about things we're interested in, etc. Do at least a modicum of reading and, if you're still interested enough to message her, say something in that message that indicates you've read something she's written, and what it was about that you found interesting/intriguing (although try to avoid saying 'intriguing' - it's horribly over-used)/annoying/funny/whatever. If we've put anything about ourselves in here, we tend to not want to have to repeat that stuff over and over again ... especially the stuff that's in our profiles.

If you're too important or busy to bother reading someone's profile, don't bother PMing them.

While I do think it's important to do a little research about your subject (her or him), at the same time, it creeps me out just a little if someone mentions a obscure comment I previously made in a post. The paranoid side of me immediately thinks STALKER ALERT!
So if one does chose to use that technique, try to make just a general observation rather than a verbatim quote.
IMHO
 
4. Be yourself

This is sort of related to point 3, and really shouldn't need saying, but apparently it does. OK, we all edit ourselves a bit online, but if you're trying to be 'someone else', we're going to work it out eventually. (See my 'Some poly ...' thread for the story of the NY steel worker.) The totally fake persona thing is one thing ... but this extends to just trying to be more anything or less anything than you actually are. Following on from Point 3, a couple of times when I've said 'I'm just not feeling it', the guy has said 'What do you want me to me - I can be anything you want'. Sigh. If you're not explicitly working in a RP context, this is an impossible question. Can you be Clive Owen - like, actual Clive Owen, not just RPing Clive Owen? I'm suspecting probably not, so no, you can't be anything I want - similarly, I probably can't be anything you want, unless you're wanting a slightly grumpy 50 year old woman who never goes to the gym (which seems pretty unlikely). And if I said 'I want XYZ', it would just be mean ... and also a bit egotistical. I'm OK, but I'm not that amazing that you should want to alter your personality in order to keep me talking to you.
This is hard, I know. When I first started mucking around online, I was quite nervous about being honest about myself, and even recently it's bitten me in the arse a bit. But oh well ... ultimately I'd rather be disliked for being myself than being someone else. I say stupid things, I'm grumpy, sometimes I think of something quite clever, I'm often quite kind, I have somewhat unpredictable morals ... we're all weird combinations of complex stuff. That's the fun of it all. So try to be honest about yourself ... and if you can't put it all out there, which really no one does, just be honest with the stuff you are putting out there.
 
While I do think it's important to do a little research about your subject (her or him), at the same time, it creeps me out just a little if someone mentions a obscure comment I previously made in a post. The paranoid side of me immediately thinks STALKER ALERT!
So if one does chose to use that technique, try to make just a general observation rather than a verbatim quote.
IMHO

Interesting ... I don't have a problem with that myself. When someone does that, I tend to laugh, and say 'Seriously - you read that?' But then, I'm often an incorrigible stalker myself, and sort of expect people to be like that on here - the ability to find out a bit about someone before you contact them was one of the things that drew me to Lit.
But I see your point - we all have different stalker-tolerance levels, so it's probably safest to assume the more general approach, unless you're maybe referring to a thread exchange that's happening in the here&now. Profile information is surely safe ground though?
 
While I do think it's important to do a little research about your subject (her or him), at the same time, it creeps me out just a little if someone mentions a obscure comment I previously made in a post. The paranoid side of me immediately thinks STALKER ALERT!
So if one does chose to use that technique, try to make just a general observation rather than a verbatim quote.
IMHO

Haa haa shit, I'M that stalker!
Uhhhhhh I mean not you in particular, but sometimes I'll see one post that catches my eye, then I check out your profile, then I'll see what posts you started, then I'll skim what you have posted...if enough makes me smile or makes me hard I've been known to send out the rare unsolicted PM. Probably quoting a post from 2012 that I really liked.

Oh and hey Kim, I don't mind sending out cockpics. Kind of a Lit badge of honour no?
 
I guarantee the first two things she will do in response to an unsolicited PM is check your profile and take a look at your last dozen or so posts.

I ALWAYS do that! I also toss all the sleazy ones in a folder so if someone I don't know tries to pm me later to "have a conversation" I can check my " Do not reply to" folder first.
 
Oh and hey Kim, I don't mind sending out cockpics. Kind of a Lit badge of honour no?

Honestly, I'm fine ... thanks for the lovely offer, but truly, I'm good. Maybe I'll somehow get through life being the only woman on Lit who doesn't get one.
 
I find it a lot easier to not PM anyone unless they PM me first...with on exception, I have PM'ed Laurel on occasion about...well no need to go into it here. ;)
 
So you are saying the "Nice shoes, wanna fuck" approach doesn't stand much of a chance? ;)

But seriously, I do much better phone than I do written messages.

I have only talked one woman in to meeting me online and that was after the online version of a four-page letter of explanation of my life!

People have preset conceptions based on certain labels. If you are this, or have done this than you MUST be this way about whatever and therefore are disqualified to get to know them.

I am one of those poor bastards not well served by the written word.

I know this is my own fault to begin with and for not doing something about it.

Most of the PMing I do here is replying, and over the years that is more than a few females.

Note: ladies if you PM me expecting some kind of role playing or sexting type of conversation...not going to happen.

Now. Having said that, Sex is one of my favorite subjects... I can hold my own in any general sex conversation as in any other that I know something about.( and I do NOT Gossip!) The few people here at Lit. who have met me already know this. So it will do you no good to bait me up and turn me loose to spread roomers.

Oh, yes if you are half my age and come on to me, be ready to receive the third degree and to get grilled like a cheap piece of meat. I am a little suspicious of people...always have been.
 
I probably should have been clear that these thoughts probably won't be much help to those seeking RL meetings - that's a different ballgame.

Although I think the notion of 'talking a woman into' meeting is a little problematic - that implies the sort of 'game' that I think doesn't really work very well for all concerned.

So you are saying the "Nice shoes, wanna fuck" approach doesn't stand much of a chance? ;)

But seriously, I do much better phone than I do written messages.

I have only talked one woman in to meeting me online and that was after the online version of a four-page letter of explanation of my life!

People have preset conceptions based on certain labels. If you are this, or have done this than you MUST be this way about whatever and therefore are disqualified to get to know them.

I am one of those poor bastards not well served by the written word.

I know this is my own fault to begin with and for not doing something about it.

Most of the PMing I do here is replying, and over the years that is more than a few females.

Note: ladies if you PM me expecting some kind of role playing or sexting type of conversation...not going to happen.

Now. Having said that, Sex is one of my favorite subjects... I can hold my own in any general sex conversation as in any other that I know something about.( and I do NOT Gossip!) The few people here at Lit. who have met me already know this. So it will do you no good to bait me up and turn me loose to spread roomers.

Oh, yes if you are half my age and come on to me, be ready to receive the third degree and to get grilled like a cheap piece of meat. I am a little suspicious of people...always have been.
 
What does not appeal to me is, "I am a fireman, let's chat." Really, do you think all women go into a swoon every time she sees or hears a man in uniform? Okay, you put out fire and go into tall buildings that collapse, but can you say something interesting?
 
What does not appeal to me is, "I am a fireman, let's chat." Really, do you think all women go into a swoon every time she sees or hears a man in uniform? Okay, you put out fire and go into tall buildings that collapse, but can you say something interesting?

Most firemen I know ARE very interesting, but anyone who leads a PM with that declaration probably isn't a fireman anyway...
 
Most firemen I know ARE very interesting, but anyone who leads a PM with that declaration probably isn't a fireman anyway...

Why does no one ever say 'I'm a social worker - wanna chat?' or 'I'm a chef' ... I'd actually find talking with a chef super interesting. A guy who can cook is of much more use to me than a guy who puts out fires.
 
Why does no one ever say 'I'm a social worker - wanna chat?' or 'I'm a chef' ... I'd actually find talking with a chef super interesting. A guy who can cook is of much more use to me than a guy who puts out fires.

Depends on how bad you are at cooking...the fireman could come in handy :D
 
Why does no one ever say 'I'm a social worker - wanna chat?' or 'I'm a chef' ... I'd actually find talking with a chef super interesting. A guy who can cook is of much more use to me than a guy who puts out fires.

I'm a home cook. I had a guy chat with me that said he went to culinary school which I thought was interesting. :rolleyes: I shouldn't have asked questions. Either he went to culinary school and learned very little or he didn't actually go to culinary school.

This topic is probably not going to change much. I've noticed the guys that typically contact me with ridiculous messages rarely post so I assume they rarely read beyond the personals or fetish sections. Heck, most probably don't go beyond reading the currently online list.
 
I'm a home cook. I had a guy chat with me that said he went to culinary school which I thought was interesting. :rolleyes: I shouldn't have asked questions. Either he went to culinary school and learned very little or he didn't actually go to culinary school.

This topic is probably not going to change much. I've noticed the guys that typically contact me with ridiculous messages rarely post so I assume they rarely read beyond the personals or fetish sections. Heck, most probably don't go beyond reading the currently online list.

No, I know, but at least I'll have a link I can just copy and paste into responses. You never know, one person might think about things ... and I'm having fun in the interim.
 
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