Humor Thread

The teacher asked the class where they thought God lived.

One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think
God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied.
"That's good!" said the teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And
where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"

"That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?"
"In the bathroom." he said.
"In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and
screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'

Handley_Page said:

The teacher asked the class where they thought God lived.

One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think
God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied.
"That's good!" said the teacher.

Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And
where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered
"God lives in each of our hearts!"

"That's VERY good," she smiled.

When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his
hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you
think God lives, Johnny?"
"In the bathroom." he said.
"In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.

"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and
screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'

Click to expand...

Good one, HP.

2 drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes a look at them and says to her manager "go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, these guys are too drunk to notice". During the walk home one guy says " i think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound". The second guy says " I think mine was a witch" "why do you think that?" asks the friend. "well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the frigin' window...

President Obama goes into a Bank of America branch and says to the teller "I'm Barack Obama, please cash this check for me."

"Certainly Mr. Obama," she replies, "May I see some ID?"

"I don't have any on me, I never need it, I'm the President."

"I'm sorry sir, bank regulations require a form of identification before we can cash a check."

"But I'm the President. I urge you to cash this check"

"I'm sorry sir, I'm just following the regulations."

"Isn't there anything I can do to prove I'm Barack Obama?"

"Well, a few weeks ago Tiger Woods wanted to cash a check without an ID and to prove he was who he said he was he took a putter and flipped a golf ball into a pencil cup on the managers desk. We cashed his check. A week ago Serena Williams wanted to cash a check without ID. To show who she said she was, she took her racket and put a tennis ball into a waste basket in a far corner of the lobby. We cashed her check.

"Now, is there anything you can do to prove to me that you're the President of the United States Barack Obama/"

Obama thinks for a minute, shrugs and says "I can't think of one thing I can do."

"Will that be in tens and twenties, Mr. President?"

A middle aged Jewish man trips and falls on the sidewalk and a female bystander rushes over to help him.

"Now don't you move. You may be badly hurt. I'm calling the Rescue Squad. Are you comfortable?"

"I make a living."

The sixties and the noughties.

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"

Wanna Screw...lol

THIS IS FOR ALL THE "SENIOR PEOPLE" AMONG US WHO REMEMBER THE '50'S & 60's.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a
seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade?
Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture
wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The
damned dance is called the Twist!

I wrote a brief "love is" "poem" that wasn't taken so well. But this isn't about that, just that, as I was doing some research on it I found a blog with some humorously revised "love is" comic scripts.

I can't paste images, so here is the link (if I'm allowed to do that):

theendofhumor.blogspot.com

dawei said:

I wrote a brief "love is" "poem" that wasn't taken so well. But this isn't about that, just that, as I was doing some research on it I found a blog with some humorously revised "love is" comic scripts.

I can't paste images, so here is the link (if I'm allowed to do that):

theendofhumor.blogspot.com

Click to expand...

Sorry dawei, but it's not the right link.

SweetMaj said:

Sorry dawei, but it's not the right link.

Click to expand...

Sorry if it doesn't work. It seems to work right on my computer. So I really don't know.

dawei said:

Sorry if it doesn't work. It seems to work right on my computer. So I really don't know.

Click to expand...

If it's the right link, it is underlined.

dawei said:

Sorry if it doesn't work. It seems to work right on my computer. So I really don't know.

Click to expand...

I located this one. Is this it.
DG

http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/2005/05/blog-post_111502924745933397.html

SweetMaj said:

Sorry dawei, but it's not the right link.

Click to expand...

Some browsers don't like it when the h t t p : / / is missing. Try

http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/

CarlusMagnus said:

Some browsers don't like it when the h t t p : / / is missing. Try

http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/

Click to expand...

Thanks, and you got it. About 20 humorously revised scripts in that link.

Handley_Page said:

The sixties and the noughties.

THEN: Long Hair
NOW: Longing for hair.

THEN: The perfect high.
NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

THEN: Keg.
NOW: EKG.

THEN: Acid Rock.
NOW: Acid Reflux.

THEN: Moving to California because it's cool.
NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.

THEN: You're growing pot.
NOW: Your growing pot.

THEN: Seeds and stems.
NOW: Roughage.

THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints.
NOW: Popping joints.

THEN: Paar.
NOW: AARP.

THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

THEN: Killer weed.
NOW: Weed killer.

THEN: Hoping for a BMW.
NOW: Hoping for a BM.

THEN: The Grateful Dead.
NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.

THEN: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
NOW: Getting a new hip joint.

THEN: Rolling Stones.
NOW: Kidney stones.

THEN: Being called into the principal's office.
NOW: Calling the principal's office.

THEN: Screw the system!
NOW: Upgrade the system.

THEN: Peace sign.
NOW: Mercedes logo.

THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

THEN: Take acid.
NOW: Take antacid.

THEN: Passing the driver's test.
NOW: Passing the vision test.

THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.

THEN: "Whatever"
NOW: "Depends"

Click to expand...

Thanks Handley_Page, I added a few more.


THEN: stand in line to see a movie
NOW: type to download and see a movie

THEN: free speech
NOW: politically correct

THEN: give you paper bags at the market
NOW: bring your reusable bags to the market

THEN: hide your drawers
NOW: show your drawers

THEN: what the fuck?!
NOW: wtf

She rushed into the room: "Have you seen my Broom?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says: "No, why; you going somewhere?"

Handley_Page said:

She rushed into the room: "Have you seen my Broom?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says: "No, why; you going somewhere?"

Click to expand...

That reminds me. As we get older, I've been getting more and more worried about leaving my wife alone at the airport. After all, there are signs all over the place that say "Do not leave bags unattended."

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive.

The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you?

The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered?

Yes said the man, its all in my head and I want you to lower it.

So old, some newer

Marriage Quotes By Men

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

OK! Equal Time

Male Bashing

Q. What did God say after creating Adam
A. I must be able to do better than that.

Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask for directions.

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at single bars have in common?
A. They are all married.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa -
half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe-
well-developed and open to trade, especially
for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain -
very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging,
but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel -
has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet- wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...
an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran -
ruled by a couple of nuts

Doggie Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Does your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly."� his friend replied. "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, so she's kinky eh?"� he asked curiously.

"Well, not exactly" I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."�

Dumb Joke

Beyond Our Power

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.

"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

In that pause between frantic passion and going about one's business, he looked at her and whispered:
"Since first I laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst possible way."

She opened her eyes, smiled and replied:-
"Well, you succeeded".

Unfamiliar

Today, while playing "20 Questions" with my friend, I asked, "Monsters or aliens?" She gave it some thought, then responded, "Well, I've never actually met a monster, so I'm going to have to go with aliens."



Nearly There

Driving in Ohio, we spotted a sign that said "Wildlife Refuge." Seeing a dead deer lying in front of it, my husband shook his head.

"He almost made it."



Dark Room

On a nighttime visit to his brother’s base, my son Joe was impressed by the large airplane hangar in which Billy worked. But when Billy led him through another door, Joe was absolutely astounded by the massive, darkened room.

"This is the largest building I’ve ever been in!" he said. "What do you call it?"

His brother answered, "The outside."