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Vanilla marriage-extramarital D/s relationships


you can see by the number of posts i have that i am not new here...but i havent been around for a while.....and have just seen this thread

I am a married male with natural sub tendencies in the bedroom. Wife is more vanilla than the vanilla-est thing you can think of!! she has spanked me probably half a dozen times in our 20 year marriage but hasnt in about 4 years.....the last time she called it my "sickness"......

I have a Mistress - in the D/s sense. we play maybe fortnightly...and she is bringing out my deeper submissive tendencies. She spanks and humiliates me and frankly i love her for it. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed to see her ..when i am with her its the one time in my life i can be ME.

our one hard limit - unfortunately - is no marks that will last longer than 6 or 7 hours.....so far we have kept to it.

of course wife is completely oblivious to it.

great thread - thank you for starting it
 
theweeman said:

you can see by the number of posts i have that i am not new here...but i havent been around for a while.....and have just seen this thread

I am a married male with natural sub tendencies in the bedroom. Wife is more vanilla than the vanilla-est thing you can think of!! she has spanked me probably half a dozen times in our 20 year marriage but hasnt in about 4 years.....the last time she called it my "sickness"......

I have a Mistress - in the D/s sense. we play maybe fortnightly...and she is bringing out my deeper submissive tendencies. She spanks and humiliates me and frankly i love her for it. I am not ashamed nor embarrassed to see her ..when i am with her its the one time in my life i can be ME.

our one hard limit - unfortunately - is no marks that will last longer than 6 or 7 hours.....so far we have kept to it.

of course wife is completely oblivious to it.

great thread - thank you for starting it
Click to expand...

You are welcome. Just curious, do you think being able to express your submissive side outside of your marriage has any effect on your marriage? As I have said in a previous post I think being able to be in a D/s relationship actually has enhanced my marriage.

Thanks for sharing.
 
ecstaticsub said:
You are welcome. Just curious, do you think being able to express your submissive side outside of your marriage has any effect on your marriage? As I have said in a previous post I think being able to be in a D/s relationship actually has enhanced my marriage.
Click to expand...


yes it has. mainly cos i am more accepting that W doesnt want sex....that is...cos my sub side has been enhanced - and as a result i am more "at one" with it - i accept her not wanting sex.

being submissive outside my marriage has made me more submissive inside it...but in a subtle way i guess

 
theweeman said:


yes it has. mainly cos i am more accepting that W doesnt want sex....that is...cos my sub side has been enhanced - and as a result i am more "at one" with it - i accept her not wanting sex.

being submissive outside my marriage has made me more submissive inside it...but in a subtle way i guess
Click to expand...

Thanks for the response. That makes so much sense.
 
Because you've experienced a little bit of what you want and felt the freedom of being who you are, just as yourself, you can be okay with less sex with your wife. Particularly since the sex with her is not what you truly seek. You consider this a submissive service of some sort to your wife even if she doesn't know how you are thinking or why.

Do I have it right?

That makes sense to me but if I have it wrong in any small way, please let me know?
 

you have summed it up fairly well actually.

I guess if there is one thing to add... i would prefer to be honest with my wife about it...but sadly know that i cant be. She wouldnt understand, she wouldnt even try to understand.

That i dont actually have full intercourse with Mistress wouldnt matter (and probably doesnt in the "cheating" side of things) , she would still go ballistic....





FurryFury said:
Because you've experienced a little bit of what you want and felt the freedom of being who you are, just as yourself, you can be okay with less sex with your wife. Particularly since the sex with her is not what you truly seek. You consider this a submissive service of some sort to your wife even if she doesn't know how you are thinking or why.

Do I have it right?

That makes sense to me but if I have it wrong in any small way, please let me know?
Click to expand...
 
theweeman said:

you have summed it up fairly well actually.

I guess if there is one thing to add... i would prefer to be honest with my wife about it...but sadly know that i cant be. She wouldnt understand, she wouldnt even try to understand.

That i dont actually have full intercourse with Mistress wouldnt matter (and probably doesnt in the "cheating" side of things) , she would still go ballistic....
Click to expand...

Cool on getting it right.

Most spouses kept in the dark would go nuts, I agree.
 
FurryFury said:
Cool on getting it right.

Most spouses kept in the dark would go nuts, I agree.
Click to expand...

Ideally I would like for her to accept I have this side to me and acknowledge that whilst she won't/can't provide what i need it is okay for me to seek fulfillment elsewhere and that i dont necessarily love her less because of it.

I must admit though i DO love my Mistress and that makes our times all the more fulfilling. I have never been to a pro-Domme and i feel that it would be futile because the emotional connection wouldn't be there.



 
theweeman said:

Ideally I would like for her to accept I have this side to me and acknowledge that whilst she won't/can't provide what i need it is okay for me to seek fulfillment elsewhere and that i dont necessarily love her less because of it.

I must admit though i DO love my Mistress and that makes our times all the more fulfilling. I have never been to a pro-Domme and i feel that it would be futile because the emotional connection wouldn't be there.
Click to expand...

I can understand that. I feel that my husband is at that point with me, sorta. I just still feel like it would hurt him so I don't do anything about it. Part of that is living with my own vision of myself and being able to like myself.
 

I don't feel guilty or ashamed but that wasnt always the case.

I recall early on battling with myself whilst leaving Mistress's....battling on two levels the first that i was cheating (though one could argue I wasn't technically(another argument another thread!) ) but also battling within myself about what i was doing ie a fully grown man begging to serve a Lady....humiliating myself in various ways.

Time and honesty and the influence of Mistress has helped me accept that guilt and i have realised as I said that this is ME its who I am.








FurryFury said:
I can understand that. I feel that my husband is at that point with me, sorta. I just still feel like it would hurt him so I don't do anything about it. Part of that is living with my own vision of myself and being able to like myself.
Click to expand...
 
theweeman said:

I don't feel guilty or ashamed but that wasnt always the case.

I recall early on battling with myself whilst leaving Mistress's....battling on two levels the first that i was cheating (though one could argue I wasn't technically(another argument another thread!) ) but also battling within myself about what i was doing ie a fully grown man begging to serve a Lady....humiliating myself in various ways.

Time and honesty and the influence of Mistress has helped me accept that guilt and i have realised as I said that this is ME its who I am.
Click to expand...

That's cool. I'm not judging you or anyone really, except myself that is.
 
FurryFury said:
That's cool. I'm not judging you or anyone really, except myself that is.
Click to expand...


oh sorry! I knew you werent judging me...sorry if i made you think that... !!


 
theweeman said:


oh sorry! I knew you werent judging me...sorry if i made you think that... !!
Click to expand...

No, I just wanted to be clear on my end. I stop myself more than anyone ever else has. Sometimes I'm glad about that and sometimes I freakin hate that about me.
 
FurryFury said:
No, I just wanted to be clear on my end. I stop myself more than anyone ever else has. Sometimes I'm glad about that and sometimes I freakin hate that about me.
Click to expand...

quite obviously you need to talk to hubby about it...but sadly it sounds like you can't...just as I can't.

Even bringing the subject up is fraught with danger.



 
theweeman said:

quite obviously you need to talk to hubby about it...but sadly it sounds like you can't...just as I can't.

Even bringing the subject up is fraught with danger.
Click to expand...

Actually I have talked with him. He is much cooler about me being me than I am.
 
FurryFury said:
Actually I have talked with him. He is much cooler about me being me than I am.
Click to expand...



so ummmm...why havent you taken those extra steps to find a Master? I mean...i hear the guilt may be an issue for you but it will help you become who you are...and isnt taht a good thing esp if Hubby accepts it willingly?

 
theweeman said:



so ummmm...why havent you taken those extra steps to find a Master? I mean...i hear the guilt may be an issue for you but it will help you become who you are...and isnt taht a good thing esp if Hubby accepts it willingly?
Click to expand...

I don't know if I can live with myself if I hurt him. He may understand and not stand in my way but that doesn't mean it won't hurt him. How he feels matters in some ways more to me that how I feel.

If I found a Master in real time, I'm not sure after a taste that I could keep from getting really into to things and that could endanger the rest of my life with my kids, husband and so on.

Yes, I know this is an absurdly round and round thought and feeling process.

I may not even be making any sense. Truly I think it's past my bed time.

It's been nice talking with you.

Goodnight.
 
FurryFury said:
I don't know if I can live with myself if I hurt him. He may understand and not stand in my way but that doesn't mean it won't hurt him. How he feels matters in some ways more to me that how I feel.

If I found a Master in real time, I'm not sure after a taste that I could keep from getting really into to things and that could endanger the rest of my life with my kids, husband and so on.

Yes, I know this is an absurdly round and round thought and feeling process.

I may not even be making any sense. Truly I think it's past my bed time.

It's been nice talking with you.

Goodnight.
Click to expand...

yes it has been nice...goodnight (though its early evening here!)

your concerns are well founded... i have found the deeper we dig into my submissiveness the more we find... i do things now i never thought likely....never even considered......and love it.....

 
theweeman said:

so ummmm...why havent you taken those extra steps to find a Master? I mean...i hear the guilt may be an issue for you but it will help you become who you are...and isnt taht a good thing esp if Hubby accepts it willingly?
Click to expand...
Hi TWM. Man - am I sorry I came back to this thread so late... you're right it is a really good one, coz this seems to be areally common problem.
I have found a wonderful Master online, who, though commands and tasks, has actually helped to bring out a bit of kink in my marriage. (My Master is aware of my husband, but my husband is not aware of my Master).
The only problem I now have is that my Master has advised me that He'd like to meet at some stage. I am not too sure how to approach the topic of 'sex-exclusion' with my Master....any suggestions?
 
Puman said:
Hi TWM. Man - am I sorry I came back to this thread so late... you're right it is a really good one, coz this seems to be areally common problem.
I have found a wonderful Master online, who, though commands and tasks, has actually helped to bring out a bit of kink in my marriage. (My Master is aware of my husband, but my husband is not aware of my Master).
The only problem I now have is that my Master has advised me that He'd like to meet at some stage. I am not too sure how to approach the topic of 'sex-exclusion' with my Master....any suggestions?
Click to expand...

Hi Puman

yes i have a couple of suggestions.

1) whenever you meet anyone for the 1st time off the internet do so in a VERY public area and dont go anywhere with them. ie 1st meeting should be talk no action!

2) when meeting him discuss your limits and agree on a safe word. i have limits Mistress accepts and abides by them. That is reality for all "marrieds"

you will probably find that over time your limits change as YOU push yourself further or are prepared to submit more.

where in Oz are u?

weeman
 
FurryFury said:
I can understand that. I feel that my husband is at that point with me, sorta. I just still feel like it would hurt him so I don't do anything about it. Part of that is living with my own vision of myself and being able to like myself.
Click to expand...

I admire the strength you have been able to show to date in resisting what you feel is a big part of you needing expression and exploration. I know for me it just was not possible to deny myself any longer as it seemed it would be just adding on more years of being fuliflled in some ways, but not in all the ways I needed and wanted, so it was a sort of compromise that would have eaten away at me more as the years passed.

Do you think that perhaps your husband accepting you need to explore this more fully means he has accepted what you fear may happen in that it could end your marriage, or at least change it from what it has been? I know you struggle with all that goes with the position you are in, and I do not blame you for fearing what might happen if you really went for it as to experience it fully you do need to be able to let go of who you have been and it does lead to giving yourself over to the other more than you ever thought possible. I think then it would be difficult to maintain the primary relationship intact. Maybe for you this is what you need. I know you love your husband and have been happy, but are you happy enough to live the rest of your life wondering and feeling like part of you is continually having to be repressed in some way to cope with the reality? Maybe you are both at a crossroads which will take your lives in different directions...maybe to continue to try and keep things as they have been will destroy you both and all you hold dear. :rose:

Catalina :catroar:
 
theweeman said:

yes it has been nice...goodnight (though its early evening here!)

your concerns are well founded... i have found the deeper we dig into my submissiveness the more we find... i do things now i never thought likely....never even considered......and love it.....
Click to expand...

Doing specific D/s or BDSM activities and loving them is not what I fear at all. I've enjoyed such things, sometimes with my husband and sometimes with someone online. I crave that. That is part of the joy of all this. I'd like more, far more.

Wanting to leave my kids and husband for a different life is what I fear. That's what I won't let happen.

GentleSub_Ivy said:
Your making perfect sense. I hold myself back for these very reasons, although hubby doesn't know about this part of myself yet like yours. He would stand in my way so it would be divorce. However, if I found someone in real time I think I might be like you and let myself go so much that my marriage would be affected adversely anyway.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I know where you are coming from.

Ivy :rose:
Click to expand...

Thanks so much Ivy for your understanding and kind words!

I smile each time I see your av btw.

I'm incredibly loyal. I won't put my marriage at risk period. Make no mistake I do love my life as it is. Sometimes I hate it too but that's a fleeting stress reaction.

There are just some things missing. Yes, more things than D/s alone. I believe that's the case for most of us. There is some things that our souls long for that we can't or won't figure out how to make happen.

catalina_francisco said:
I admire the strength you have been able to show to date in resisting what you feel is a big part of you needing expression and exploration. I know for me it just was not possible to deny myself any longer as it seemed it would be just adding on more years of being fuliflled in some ways, but not in all the ways I needed and wanted, so it was a sort of compromise that would have eaten away at me more as the years passed.

Do you think that perhaps your husband accepting you need to explore this more fully means he has accepted what you fear may happen in that it could end your marriage, or at least change it from what it has been? I know you struggle with all that goes with the position you are in, and I do not blame you for fearing what might happen if you really went for it as to experience it fully you do need to be able to let go of who you have been and it does lead to giving yourself over to the other more than you ever thought possible. I think then it would be difficult to maintain the primary relationship intact. Maybe for you this is what you need. I know you love your husband and have been happy, but are you happy enough to live the rest of your life wondering and feeling like part of you is continually having to be repressed in some way to cope with the reality? Maybe you are both at a crossroads which will take your lives in different directions...maybe to continue to try and keep things as they have been will destroy you both and all you hold dear. :rose:

Catalina :catroar:
Click to expand...

Thanks for the admiration Cat. *smiles*

I've explored as much as I safely can online. My husband has given me that freedom which of course makes me love and admire him all the more. I'm comfortable also taking that freedom. It's not at odds with my own self vision.

My soul needs and hungers for D/s and BDSM but it also hungers to sing, to paint, to write and many more things that I can't seem to fit much of into my life atm. Maybe it's just me but I suspect it's not and I suspect few people on earth feel like they have ever single soul need addressed in their current life. I truly think this is part of the human condition in general. If it were not so there would be nothing to reach for, look forward to and so on.

Let me say right here I never got enough sleep the past few nights and I may be totally off my rocker atm. *L*

I absolutely do not feel that my husband is accepting that our marriage will end. Neither of us accepts that and it won't end. He is in fact, irritatingly secure in our relationship. I don't understand that at all. I never have. However he does have every right to be secure because I won't let him down and he does have the power if he wants to take it to control me and what I do outside our marriage.

I both admire and find irritating that he has never tried to own me. LOL!

Like me, he might be more comfortable being left than leaving.

All this means he has told me many times I could cheat and he would forgive me, blame himself and take me back. I call bullshit on that.

Once I established that he would want me to report every single thing to him and know about things in advance I questioned why. Was it because he was into some cuckolding fantasy? No, it was because he'd want to know what being with another did for me that he did not. He put it in sexual terms.

For me that showed how much it would hurt him right there and how much he still didn't get "it". D/s is both about sex and not about sex, depending on how you look at it. I mean I wouldn't be just thinking I need to fuck someone else. I'd be thinking I need D/s which may or may not include fucking someone else.

Then too is the soul hunger to kiss and stroke another woman but let me not digress.

I don't know if I could force myself to play in public (The violet wand doesn't count does it? I mean I kept my clothes on. LOL.) though I've certainly wanted too. I'm such a shy and private person in some ways. I'm not sure I could force myself to go outside my marriage in real time, real life ever. That's just fundamentally NOT me.

If I did, I would NOT want to think about or deal with my husband's feelings while I was dealing with my own at such a tenuous time. I'm selfish that way. I know myself well enough to know that. Yep, I know that sounds bad.

Okay and yes, I do think about simply fucking other men, women and others. *digressing* Doesn't everyone have thoughts at least? I mean I'm not dead. I'm just faithful and married, mostly very happily.

I will never cheat on him. I don't want to need forgiveness. I would never want to hurt him. He is the best man I know. He is likely the best man I ever will know. Cheating just doesn't fit my self view at all. I'm serious when I say I am not sure I could live with myself if I did.

Also if I left him and the kids, I couldn't live with myself. Nope, I couldn't and won't be doing that. That's never been a possibility for me. Occasionally I lose sight of that online, rarely but then I simply have to step back and remember the rest of me. Have I mentioned I'm very compartmentalized in some fundamental ways? I am. Anyway back the Man.

He has given me so much I can't even find the words to explain it. He continues to give to me each day. He loves me in large part the way no one else in my RL ever has. He supports me in all that I do even if he thinks it's unadvisable or nuts. He actually likes ME flaws and all as I do him.

Yes, our relationship will change as we change. I don't think our love, connection or trust will ever be broken. I just don't see that in our future.

The only way I will ever truly get the D/s or BDSM that I soul crave will be if I survive him, mourn him and then somehow find another person in RL with whom I fit. I know that sounds cold but I don't thin it is and that's what I've come to peace with. Frankly I'm not sure how well I could go through the loss of him. I might just not come out the other side ever.

In the meantime online sometimes helps. My local group sometimes helps. My mind often helps.

Yes, I am happy enough to live the rest of my life knowing that some things may never be in my real life in real time. No, I do not feel that we are at a cross roads at all. We are and always have been quite solid. I don't really have to repress who I am because he and I can talk about that and he accepts that part of me even if he can't service it entirely only because it doesn't fit with who he is.

No, Cat, I am nowhere close to destroying either of us or all I hold dear. We are actually tighter than ever and quite happy. I know that sounds impossible but life isn't a straight forward logic sequence and our relationship works well, there is love and joy in it as well as friendship and support on an emotional level.

I'm generally a happy person, satisfied with the life I've created. I believe he is even happier in our relationship and with the life he has created. I know the kids are happy and they are teenagers!

*chuckles*

I do appreciate your concern and caring. :heart:
 
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FurryFury said:
Thanks for the admiration Cat. *smiles*

I've explored as much as I safely can online. My husband has given me that freedom which of course makes me love and admire him all the more. I'm comfortable also taking that freedom. It's not at odds with my own self vision.

My soul needs and hungers for D/s and BDSM but it also hungers to sing, to paint, to write and many more things that I can't seem to fit much of into my life atm. Maybe it's just me but I suspect it's not and I suspect few people on earth feel like they have ever single soul need addressed in their current life. I truly think this is part of the human condition in general. If it were not so there would be nothing to reach for, look forward to and so on.

Let me say right here I never got enough sleep the past few nights and I may be totally off my rocker atm. *L*

I absolutely do not feel that my husband is accepting that our marriage will end. Neither of us accepts that and it won't end. He is in fact, irritatingly secure in our relationship. I don't understand that at all. I never have. However he does have every right to be secure because I won't let him down and he does have the power if he wants to take it to control me and what I do outside our marriage.

I both admire and find irritating that he has never tried to own me. LOL!

Like me, he might be more comfortable being left than leaving.

All this means he has told me many times I could cheat and he would forgive me, blame himself and take me back. I call bullshit on that.

Once I established that he would want me to report every single thing to him and know about things in advance I questioned why. Was it because he was into some cuckolding fantasy? No, it was because he'd want to know what being with another did for me that he did not. He put it in sexual terms.

For me that showed how much it would hurt him right there and how much he still didn't get "it". D/s is both about sex and not about sex, depending on how you look at it. I mean I wouldn't be just thinking I need to fuck someone else. I'd be thinking I need D/s which may or may not include fucking someone else.

Then too is the soul hunger to kiss and stroke another woman but let me not digress.

I don't know if I could force myself to play in public (The violet wand doesn't count does it? I mean I kept my clothes on. LOL.) though I've certainly wanted too. I'm such a shy and private person in some ways. I'm not sure I could force myself to go outside my marriage in real time, real life ever. That's just fundamentally NOT me.

Okay and yes, I do think about simply fucking other men, women and others. *digressing* Doesn't everyone have thoughts at least? I mean I'm not dead. I'm just faithful and married, mostly very happily.

I will never cheat on him. I don't want to need forgiveness. I would never want to hurt him. He is the best man I know. He is likely the best man I ever will know. Cheating just doesn't fit my self view at all. I'm serious when I say I am not sure I could live with myself if I did.

Also if I left him and the kids, I couldn't live with myself. Nope, I couldn't and won't be doing that. That's never been a possibility for me. Occasionally I lose sight of that online, rarely but then I simply have to step back and remember the rest of me. Have I mentioned I'm very compartmentalized in some fundamental ways? I am. Anyway back the Man.

He has given me so much I can't even find the words to explain it. He continues to give to me each day. He loves me in large part the way no one else in my RL ever has. He supports me in all that I do even if he thinks it's unadvisable or nuts. He actually likes ME flaws and all as I do him.

Yes, our relationship will change as we change. I don't think our love, connection or trust will ever be broken. I just don't see that in our future.

The only way I will ever truly get the D/s or BDSM that I soul crave will be if I survive him, mourn him and then somehow find another person in RL with whom I fit. I know that sounds cold but I don't thin it is and that's what I've come to peace with. Frankly I'm not sure how well I could go through the loss of him. I might just not come out the other side ever.

In the meantime online sometimes helps. My local group sometimes helps. My mind often helps.

Yes, I am happy enough to live the rest of my life knowing that some things may never be in my real life in real time. No, I do not feel that we are at a cross roads at all. We are and always have been quite solid. I don't really have to repress who I am because he and I can talk about that and he accepts that part of me even if he can't service it entirely only because it doesn't fit with who he is.

No, Cat, I am nowhere close to destroying either of us or all I hold dear. We are actually tighter than ever and quite happy. I know that sounds impossible but life isn't a straight forward logic sequence and our relationship works well, there is love and joy in it as well as friendship and support on an emotional level.

I'm generally a happy person, satisfied with the life I've created. I believe he is even happier in our relationship and with the life he has created. I know the kids are happy and they are teenagers!

*chuckles*

I do appreciate your concern and caring. :heart:
Click to expand...


I agree with much of what you say, we all have hopes and dreams and can never have them all answered which is why I have so much problem with online talk of casually just up and deciding you need someone else to fulfil those things your SO can't and then expecting your SO to live with it or get lost. That just is something I can't get my head around but then like you, when I make a commitment I mean it and think about it before hand and expect to take the good with the bad and work to keep to it. You can't have your cake and eat it too in every way.

I guess I just worry with you as so often it sounds like you are listing all the reasons why you have to stay, why your husband deserves your continued loyalty etc., but underneath it is such a strong pull and sadness you cannot let yourself fly and live with yourself. I can understand it, but I would hate it to destroy you, or you become bitter in time that you didn't answer all those questions in your head. Perfect solution would be if you could remain the way you are and also have what you need to explore, but as you say, like me you would likely find yourself drifting more toward your PYL in all ways and that thought I realise is scary for so mamny reasons. I know you will work it out in a way which is best for you, but I feel for the position you are in.
664672330_a82a96b823_t.jpg


Catalina :catroar:
 
Thanks Cat!

*HUG*

I'm fine and I will continue to be fine. I promise. I'm not really sad these days about this btw. The reasons I keep listing are part of the basic fabric of my life that I will keep, they can't be discounted or changed by anything short of a betrayal or death.
 
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