UpwardSpiral
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2013
- Posts
- 1,061
Hello all. I'm not really one to air my drama in a public forum like this, but presently I don't really know where else to turn. My life and my relationship are in crisis, and I find myself in need of some unbiased and brutally honest advice. I apologize in advance for the rambling post.
My current wife and began as a BDSM couple. I was fairly new to the lifestyle (18 months) when I met her, and within seven months I had collared her, and was her Master. This was mid 2003. We were married in 2006, and were for the most part happy. I have struggled with depression for the better part of my adult life, and one of the ways it tends to manifest is a lack of joy, passion and engagement in all things. Unfortunately, this gradually included my responsibilities as a Maater/Dom. It greatly frustrated my wife/sub that I was taking an increasingly ambivalent attitude toward our participation in the lifestyle, and we were not involved in anything in our local community.
This all came to a head in late 2009, when I was laid off from a very good job I had had for several years. I took the situation very hard, and being no longer able to provide for my family (two step-children from her first marriage), coupled with my growing apathy, I felt I no longer deserved to be anyone's Dom, much less her Master. So in effect, I released her. She was devastated, but stayed married to me, both of us seriously unhappy.
Over the next several years and up until the present, I bounced around jobs, being laid off twice more, and having to take positions for less and less money. My longest stint was at the beginning of 2013, where I tried my hand at self-employment, and failed miserably. We lost our house, my car, and only since August have we been able to claw our way back up to some sort of stability from a new full-time job for me, which I currently loathe. Add to that lots of back debt, and a serious lack of self-confidence on my part.
In the middle of 2013, my wife decided that she wanted back into the lifestyle, with or without me. She affirmed that she loved me, she wanted our marriage and family to remain intact, but she was doing this with or without me. At the time, part of me was very happy with this turn of events. I did miss many aspects of our D/s relationship, and decided to embrace the hope that some of that could be recaptured. I took it upon myself to do some more growing and learning in the lifestyle, and even started attending local munches and demos.
But then something unexpected happened; it all began to make me very uncomfortable. I'm considerably introverted, and groups of people I don't know tend to make me very anxious. And some of the things that the people I bgean meeting were into made me even more uncomfortable (knife play, needling, extreme impact, etc.). I've never considered myself hardcore about anything, but this more extreme stuff also interests my wife, who has since decided that she does want me with her for our lifestyle renaissance.
Since I first discovered my dominant tendencies at the age of 29, most things about BDSM have excited and interested me. Now at 41, those same things leave me numb, or at worst, repulsed. Incidentally, that is how most things in life have me feeling at the moment. I don't really understand what is going on in my mind, or if it is something that can be, or needs to be, dealt with. It is obviously causing a rift in my marriage, and I still love my wife enough to not wish her denied things she wants to explore. I just have no desire to explore those things for myself, and in some case to run in the opposite direction.
I feel like I am too close to the situation to be able to clearly see the root cause of things. Depression? Anxiety? Lack of testosterone? PTSD of some kind? Not enough fiber? Everything is a fog, and all I ever seem to want to do is retreat to my comfort zone. But it's very lonely there, and while it feels safe, it's not happy. Just relieved.
Thanks for reading. Replies here and PMs/YIM messages are welcome.
My current wife and began as a BDSM couple. I was fairly new to the lifestyle (18 months) when I met her, and within seven months I had collared her, and was her Master. This was mid 2003. We were married in 2006, and were for the most part happy. I have struggled with depression for the better part of my adult life, and one of the ways it tends to manifest is a lack of joy, passion and engagement in all things. Unfortunately, this gradually included my responsibilities as a Maater/Dom. It greatly frustrated my wife/sub that I was taking an increasingly ambivalent attitude toward our participation in the lifestyle, and we were not involved in anything in our local community.
This all came to a head in late 2009, when I was laid off from a very good job I had had for several years. I took the situation very hard, and being no longer able to provide for my family (two step-children from her first marriage), coupled with my growing apathy, I felt I no longer deserved to be anyone's Dom, much less her Master. So in effect, I released her. She was devastated, but stayed married to me, both of us seriously unhappy.
Over the next several years and up until the present, I bounced around jobs, being laid off twice more, and having to take positions for less and less money. My longest stint was at the beginning of 2013, where I tried my hand at self-employment, and failed miserably. We lost our house, my car, and only since August have we been able to claw our way back up to some sort of stability from a new full-time job for me, which I currently loathe. Add to that lots of back debt, and a serious lack of self-confidence on my part.
In the middle of 2013, my wife decided that she wanted back into the lifestyle, with or without me. She affirmed that she loved me, she wanted our marriage and family to remain intact, but she was doing this with or without me. At the time, part of me was very happy with this turn of events. I did miss many aspects of our D/s relationship, and decided to embrace the hope that some of that could be recaptured. I took it upon myself to do some more growing and learning in the lifestyle, and even started attending local munches and demos.
But then something unexpected happened; it all began to make me very uncomfortable. I'm considerably introverted, and groups of people I don't know tend to make me very anxious. And some of the things that the people I bgean meeting were into made me even more uncomfortable (knife play, needling, extreme impact, etc.). I've never considered myself hardcore about anything, but this more extreme stuff also interests my wife, who has since decided that she does want me with her for our lifestyle renaissance.
Since I first discovered my dominant tendencies at the age of 29, most things about BDSM have excited and interested me. Now at 41, those same things leave me numb, or at worst, repulsed. Incidentally, that is how most things in life have me feeling at the moment. I don't really understand what is going on in my mind, or if it is something that can be, or needs to be, dealt with. It is obviously causing a rift in my marriage, and I still love my wife enough to not wish her denied things she wants to explore. I just have no desire to explore those things for myself, and in some case to run in the opposite direction.
I feel like I am too close to the situation to be able to clearly see the root cause of things. Depression? Anxiety? Lack of testosterone? PTSD of some kind? Not enough fiber? Everything is a fog, and all I ever seem to want to do is retreat to my comfort zone. But it's very lonely there, and while it feels safe, it's not happy. Just relieved.
Thanks for reading. Replies here and PMs/YIM messages are welcome.