Seeking Feedback b4 I post

I started this thread not only to seek feedback and advice for this particular poem but in general to seek feedback and criticism for poems before I post them into the main submissions page.
I don’t know if other people on this site would prefer to do so with their poems sometimes but if they do they are welcome to also use this thread for the same purpose.
For this poem I seek feedback and criticism on the :
1. Political points made
2. The effectiveness of using url links as an integral live part of a verse structure. After all, poetry is many times to me a living performing art .
(and whether there should be any reason why this format would be not acceptable on Literotica's submissions page, it only refers to wikipedia articles mainly and it is not done for commercial reasons)

Many thanks

EDELTRAUD 3: THE PSYCHOBITCH ===> DISMANTLING BIG TIME ==> THE AVENUE

ATHENS
Tuesday (early morning)
27/1/2015

ON NATIONAL DEBTS
(This is an after general election sequel to my pre-election Cutting Off His Socialist Balls and I hope that it's understood, this poem has nothing to do with ordinary working class German and Italian people, many of whom are my very good friends)


Following last Sunday's parliamentary election,
the newly formed Greek government,
comprising mostly of
Marxists and Socialists of all kinds,
is in the happy position to announce
that it has found
in secret state coffers
very many trillions of Euros,
deposited there
by previous Greek governments,
in bars of gold.

We have decided
that one of our first moves
should be to pay off completely
our national debts,
especially to our German partners,
and preferably before the 30th of January,
which may be a national holiday for them
for all we know.

As gold happens to be
a very heavy material,
(heavier than human life, that is),
and anyway, we don’t have any cash,
and the roads are treacherous in winter time,
and we don’t see any good reason why
pay expensive bank commissions
for direct money transfers,
we invite the said German partners,
to employ a lot of lorry drivers,
so they come and collect
the precious metal from Greece,
and at the same time,
have a enjoyable pick nick
in the picturesque surroundings.
Free souvlakis and beer
will be provided,
courtesy of local people.

We have deposited gold
equal to our debt to you
(and to your unwilling, sometimes equally victimized partners)
in the following addresses:

Massacre of Kondomari - June 1941-Crete (by German paratroopers-60 innocent victims
Razing of Kandanos - 3 June 1941 Western Crete (by German Army troops-180 innocent victims)
Domenikon Massacre - 16-17 February, 1943, Thessaly (by the Italian Royal Army- 180 innocent victims)
Holocaust of Vianos- 14 to 16 June 1943 - Vianos and Ierapetra region (by German Army troops-500+ innocent victims)
Massacre of the Acqui Division - 21 September 1943 - Kefalonia Island (by German Army troops-5000 innocent (Italian soldiers) victims)
Paramythia executions - 19 to 29 September 1943 - Paramythia region (by German and Cham Albanian troops - 201 innocent victims)
Massacre of Kalavryta - 13 December 1943 - Achaia - (by German Army troops-1200+ innocent victims)
Executions of Kaisariani - 1 May 1944 - Attica - (by German Army troops-200 innocent victims)
Distomo massacre - 10 June 1944 - Delphi region - (by German SS troops-218 innocent victims)
Massacre of Mousiotitsa - Epirus - 25 July 1943 - (by German SS troops-153 innocent victims)
Holocaust of Kedros - 22 August 1944 - (by German Army troops-164 innocent victims)

note, my dear friends: This list of addresses is by no means exhaustive as you can see here...


Looking forward
to make your acquaintance...

have a nice day...

("on National Debts")

It's repulsive to me (in more than one dimension). Thus there is not even a point to go into any language technicalities.

Best,

Thanks for the comment, Seena. I am sure you could say a lot more, but I respect your decision not to do so.

pelegrino said:

Thanks for the comment, Seena. I am sure you could say a lot more, but I respect your decision not to do so.

Click to expand...

Pelegrino, I am willing. Right now it's only 2:47am but this time, exceptionally, I am sleepy and similar. I will write about both main issues:

1. politically the text is morally and in other ways too very wrong;
2. even when politically a text may support a right cause (which here it does not), then the way you address it would mean only a disservice (if the cause were right).

The artistic aspect here is of not much importance but nevertheless all three contribute to the negative effect.

Let me get some rest first, and I'll be ready to continue.

Best regards,

"on National Debts"

The meaning of text "on National Debts":

• Greece acquired debt for the past years (five? thirty?);
• Germany has committed several atrocities toward Greeks during WWII;
• Thus we Greeks want Germans to pay off the Greek debt.

The text doesn't mention that Turks committed more atrocities against Greeks during and after WWI; the text doesn't ask Turks to pay off the Greek debt. The text quietly follows the standard lawyer's advice: go after the money. Germany is richer than Turkey so let's zero efficiently on Germany.

There is an historical precedence since Germany decided to pay reparations to Israel (starting 1953) for the six million starved and murdered Jews, for Jewish slave work and their stolen property.

According to the text's logic (not mine!) some doubts show up. Indeed, the victimized countries should form a waiting line for German money, right after Israel. Except that Greece would not be at the head of the line.

Fortunately, I don't see other "poems" demanding that Germany will pay off other countries in 2015 and on.

Here let me mention that Germany-Israel agreement was fiercely opposed by a large part of the Israeli public.

************

This note is just a start. These are not really my own arguments but just a
light knee jerk reaction, made in the unfortunate style of the text. The basic simple(!) analysis will be presented in the next note. But even on the present shallow level we already should see that the World cannot go on making things between nations even or else the world would explode in five minutes. Here, actually, we are already only one step from a profound view.

************

Best regards,

"on National Debts"

The text talked about money, and about general notions: WE-the Greece/Greeks, and THEM-the Germany/Germans. Instead, and along a Wisława Szymborska's poem let's talk about individual people, and about poetry. I'll offer you not a poem but a small true story. It was year 1968. My friend (he was a bit older than my parents) emigrated from Poland, and worked in West Germany (in those years, till the collapse of communism, West Germany was a separate country; there was also the communist East Germany). My friend was of Jewish descent. He was a friendly, kind person, and he was friendly with the young Germans. But each time he met any older German--at work or elsewhere--to their Hello he would respond mumbling something under his breath, something that with a great stretch perhaps could pass for some German greeting too. Otherwise his German was perfect. He simply mumbled something in Yiddish (close to German) like "go to Hell!" or similar.

You're welcome to turn this story into a poem. To me this is already poetry. This is something that the text "on National Debts" missed completely. That to a poet these general notions like Greek German Jewish ... by themselves mean nothing. It is true and depressing, that you can generalize that Germans and Austrians from 1930 to 1945 were a terrible nation (there were among them only relatively few exceptions to this statement). So, if you still want to get money from these Germans and Austrians then go ahead, find them--look for folks which are old already 85 years and more. After WWII the young West Germans went through the educational system which taught them to be open-minded, not prejudiced. I wish the whole world would have the same educational experience, while in so many other places around the world today they still teach children hate.

The post-WWII Germany had to build their economy anew. Their cities were in ruins. Their industry destroyed. They didn't have any colonies or anything like this. They are a great success after WWII because they WORKED.

**************

Best,

Senna is always a bit harsh, but in this instance I have to agree. Honestly, it reads like a bad op-ed more than a poem. I'm afraid I can't be of help for this one, but keep posting.

Thanks Seena and Charley H, for your response and time. As this was an attempt at writing poltically, any opinion or perception is welcome in democratic spirit.

LEMONIA (F)LEAP EDELTRAUD => AN EASTER TIME BALLADE

"AVRA BEACH"
GOOD SATURDAY
14/4/2012