Bi?

http://mysexualorientation.com/

So two acquaintances of mine debated my sexuality in front of me, which got my girlfriend good and pissed. Always great.

The argument was over whether I am bi or gay.

I certainly think of myself as gay and haven't slept with a guy in years. But, I would sleep with a guy rather than be celibate in a theoretical "no other women on earth" scenario. I would sleep with a guy who I found attractive/likable over a woman I found unattractive/unpleasant. All things being equal though, I'd choose a woman every time.

The trite and obvious answer is "it's nobody's business," "sexuality is a continuum," or something similar, but this is causing a touch of strife at home and may put me on her couch soon. Any thoughts?

LesbianChickLit said:

http://mysexualorientation.com/

So two acquaintances of mine debated my sexuality in front of me, which got my girlfriend good and pissed. Always great.

The argument was over whether I am bi or gay.

I certainly think of myself as gay and haven't slept with a guy in years. But, I would sleep with a guy rather than be celibate in a theoretical "no other women on earth" scenario. I would sleep with a guy who I found attractive/likable over a woman I found unattractive/unpleasant. All things being equal though, I'd choose a woman every time.

The trite and obvious answer is "it's nobody's business," "sexuality is a continuum," or something similar, but this is causing a touch of strife at home and may put me on her couch soon. Any thoughts?

Click to expand...

FWIW, I've known others with similar patterns of attraction who identity as you do, so you're not alone.

My two cents' worth, maths nerd mode activated:

When we're trying to define a set of entities (say, "all the people I'd be willing to sleep with"), there are two common ways to go about it. One is enumeration: listing all the individual members. ("Pat H and Jo C and Kate F and...") and the other is by a general rule ("Non-smoking women or genderqueer people over twenty who don't belong to X political faction...")

Enumeration is precise, but often prohibitively tedious. General rules are easier to describe, and for something like a dating website they're about the only practical option, but often they're imprecise.

Human sexuality is complicated, and partners are also complicated. (If my lover realises they're transgender and decides to transition, and I still have feelings for them, does that mean my orientation has changed?) I'm attracted to individuals, not to genders... but sometimes gender is a useful way to generalise about the individuals I'm more often attracted to.

So IMHO, the best approach is to accept that it's often necessary to speak in generalisations, while understanding that those generalisations might not be valid for absolutely every situation, and there are times when it's necessary to switch to a by-individual mode.

Complications:

- terms like this can become a social/political identity as much as a sexual one: if you always hang around with people who listen to metal you can end up being "one of the metalhead crowd" even if you don't actually like it yourself, and I suspect some aspects of orientation politics are about dissonance between the social and sexual identity
- "gay with exceptions" undermines the "born this way" argument for queer rights, which can be seen as a threat. (To me, it's an argument for not standing on "born this way" in the first place; that particular argument erases a hell of a lot of people.)

LesbianChickLit said:

So two acquaintances of mine debated my sexuality in front of me, which got my girlfriend good and pissed. Always great.

Click to expand...

Because they were discussing your sexuality, or because of the possibility that you might not be exclusively homosexual?

LesbianChickLit said:

The trite and obvious answer is "it's nobody's business," "sexuality is a continuum," or something similar, but this is causing a touch of strife at home and may put me on her couch soon. Any thoughts?

Click to expand...

Those aren't trite answers - they're true and correct. Very few people are exclusively homosexual (or heterosexual, for that matter), especially if you consider arousal in thoughts, fantasies and dreams (and, in your case, past behaviour). So what if you happen to be maybe an 10 or 11 on the scale you provided in your link? Or a 5 on the Kinsey scale? Is she going to dump you because of the fear that you might some day look at a guy and actually find him good looking? Is she going to police your very thoughts? If she's unable to deal with a world that is not black and white, that's - unfortunately for you - her problem.

LesbianChickLit said:

I certainly think of myself as gay and haven't slept with a guy in years. [...] All things being equal though, I'd choose a woman every time.

Click to expand...

And who should know better than you?

Here we go again!

I'm not at all sure your orientation is "it's nobody's business" , it certainly is your girlfriend's business and it certainly was her business when you started dating or at the very least when you two started to get serious. If the two of you want to have a life together, it's going to be your parents', your siblings' and the rest of your family's business. If you have children it's going to be your children's business and the parents of other children, teachers, school administration and I could go on and on and on. If you really want to live a life as a lesbian it's going to be a lot of people's business no matter what you want and some of those people are going to hate you, not because of who you are as a person or how well you live your life but for whom you love.

I don't want to get into a another fight about labels but in truth you are bisexual. Granted bisexual is a shitty term, which lumps everyone together from the girl who likes to make out with other girls but could never truly have a romantic loving relationship with another woman, to those like you who's best relationships are with other women.

I'm a lesbian I was 'born this way' and although I'm not gold star, even the short time I did have sex with boys the sex was totally detached from those boys, never was there any emotional attraction. I've never had a crush on a boy but I did have many crushes on other girls starting long before I had the slightest idea of what sex was. I tend to believe you were 'born this way' also, it's just a 'born this way' slightly different than my 'born this way'.

I hope you can work this out with your girlfriend, be honest with her, tell her how you feel, not just about how you feel about your sexual orientation but how you feel about her. I understand the fear of rejection telling a lesbian that you're 'lesbian but', it still best to be honest, life is so much easier if you're truthful and honest from the start.

Labels

Sure it's nobody's business but yours and your girlfriend's but.... people just seem to love sticking their damned noses where they shouldn't so you will have to deal with that too.
Dunno why every other persuasion feels the need to give bi's such a kicking all the time.

Well hell I need to stretch my legs a little before they become molded to this old hoss permanently. Looks Like a good place to step down and walk a bit under these aspens. Right purty it is here. Listen to the music of the wind in their lovely leaves. My how all you ladies look so lovely standing here together like. Hm wonder why that old juniper is standing over there by his self. What you say. Pissed, pissed at who I ask. What he is pissed at all you ladies hanging out together. Don't he know your all sisters and have a bond that does not need defining. Let the old fart be pissed he will either get over it or die alone.

Well time to mount up and ride on. Hope you all know what I am saying caus I know these crusty lips don't always connect with this old tongue to make purty words all the time. Tip my hat to ya.

Thanks everyone. I guess I am bi then. I would have sworn I was gay. Oh well.
She's known me since I was 17 and I haven't been with a guy since before that, so she doesn't have to worry about me meeting an Adonis. We just get into stupid arguments now and then. This one is worse than usual of course, because now I havee to go admit that I was wrong.

tiny_tits said:

Labels

Click to expand...

Couldn't agree more. Why on earth does it matter? Hetero, gay, bi whatever. I mean really, whatever. As long as someone treats you with respect and does the right thing when they should, what on earth do you care who they sleep with? IF I ever get to the point in my life where I let that bother me, I hope someone slaps some sense into me. For those of you that must label yourself......why?

gay

Your gay, be happy, ignore the others!

I'm bisexual, but I like to think of myself as queer. I like the adjective. You could tell your friends hey, I'm gay, now let's analyze your sexuality in front of you like we're more of an expert than you are about your own self identity lol.

Why must there be a label? If it feels good; if I like it then it is what it is.....sex. I love pussy and cock but unfortunately labels restrict me from enjoying everything that I enjoy.

beingtrue2me said:

Couldn't agree more. Why on earth does it matter? Hetero, gay, bi whatever. I mean really, whatever. As long as someone treats you with respect and does the right thing when they should, what on earth do you care who they sleep with? IF I ever get to the point in my life where I let that bother me, I hope someone slaps some sense into me. For those of you that must label yourself......why?

Click to expand...

You're right it doesn't matter... UNLESS you are misrepresenting yourself to somebody (especially if they are a different orientation). THAT makes it both their business and wrong.

I'm lesbian and I do not want to have sex with bisexuals. There is nothing wrong with them (some of my best friends are bisexuals ), but it's not my thing. Where that comes in to play is when you meet somebody and they "say" they are lesbian and they really aren't. That makes it MY business because that person took away MY choice.

Safe_Bet said:

You're right it doesn't matter... UNLESS you are misrepresenting yourself to somebody (especially if they are a different orientation). THAT makes it both their business and wrong.

I'm lesbian and I do not want to have sex with bisexuals. There is nothing wrong with them (some of my best friends are bisexuals ), but it's not my thing. Where that comes in to play is when you meet somebody and they "say" they are lesbian and they really aren't. That makes it MY business because that person took away MY choice.

Click to expand...

Isn't more to do with relationships rather than sex? I mean, people can wash but they can't change their attitudes/desires

and Hi SB Good to see you and hope all's well in your world?

stickygirl said:

Isn't more to do with relationships rather than sex? I mean, people can wash but they can't change their attitudes/desires

and Hi SB Good to see you and hope all's well in your world?

Click to expand...

Hi, Stickygirl. Alls well here. Hope its the same for you, toots.


As for sex vs. relationships? Seeing as how I don't have one without the other (I don't do clubby hookups), they are kinda the same thing for me. MY "attitudes/desires" lead me to not want anything to do with someone who might someday (last person on earth thinking be damned) willingly have sex with a dude.

Call it an aversion to lack of commitment if you will. If they won't/haven't sworn off the dick (for ANY reason) we are neither compatible relationally nor sexually. If they SAY they are/have and don't really mean it in their heart of hearts then they are a poser who IS just after sex and that is definitely wrong, IMO, because you are lying to your perspective partner and are taking away her choice.

I prefer women too. But sometimes find men alluring and desirable.

Jesus I'm in some sort of world that is pretty different to the conversations and discussions I see that many people have...

Looking back, of all the people I've had sex with, um - all of them were extremely 'good in bed.'

And I think basically I'm extremely prejudiced against those who aren't. And I'm heavily influenced also by what kind of personality and character they have.

I wonder what percentage of those who have some sort of lock on what gender identity they are/they have/all others must have - would get past the first few seconds with me when I have my sex laser glasses on.

There are a VAST VAST number of people of every possible 'gender' kind that I am DEFINITELY NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO AT ALL AT ALL AT ALL!!!!! In fact come to think of it, I am not attracted to most of the whole entire human race.

And I hope like damned hell they are not attracted to me.

Desiremakesmeweak said:

And I hope like damned hell they are not attracted to me.

Click to expand...

Not in the least from what you've just said. This is the LGBT section BTW

LesbianChickLit said:

The argument was over whether I am bi or gay.

I certainly think of myself as gay...

Click to expand...

My two cents, but... you are the only one that gets to define your sexuality. If you consider yourself gay or lesbian, then you are. Full stop, regardless of past attraction or possible future attraction.

The only other person that your sexuality really affects is the person you are sleeping with. If you've been honest with her, then everybody else (in your life and on this board) can mind their own business.

As a male, I feel much more comfortable with women, but good man sex is hard to top. Took the test… got a 5.5 and an 11… with a very wide range.

I guess I like my food from everywhere… why not my sex?

Desiremakesmeweak said:

Looking back, of all the people I've had sex with, um - all of them were extremely 'good in bed.'

And I think basically I'm extremely prejudiced against those who aren't.

Click to expand...

How do you know?

Great question of course. But maybe more so for relatively inexperienced people...

I think there will certainly be those who want to argue about what you can tell from 'the outside.'

What I said previously seems like a non sequitur - but it isn't. Not in real life, and not in practical situations.

In real life, you will encounter those individuals who do all the superficial things that are popularly associated with 'looking sexy.' But that will never be confused by experienced people for what a 'sexual' and 'high end competent' sexual person is.

In real life you will find plenty of people who express 'braggadocio' but that, again, is not the same thing as someone who has sexual self-confidence. People with genuine sexual self confidence have nothing to prove and this comes across in their ordinary behaviour - even for some individuals who have a natural or even innate (and this is rare; mostly people 'become' good in the bedroom') sexual skill set - they are very calm and relaxed and are relaxing to be around.

Real sexual attractiveness is not to be confused with magazine sexy looks either, not by a long shot.

The tone of voice, what someone will agree with in casual conversation, how tactile they are, how they pace their words - all these kinds of things are very good indications of what they are like when it comes down to physical sex. Those people who are 'tough' or 'overconfident' or arrogant and self-important -, well, you can see that they are struggling against reality and straining to be something they'll never live up to.

Watch someone you know order some food and eat it... They're generally not very different when it comes to sex; that is, their style and actions are in keeping with what you are watching when they eat.

Now there ARE those gourmands and food experts and so on who carry on a bit, and they are largely following stereotypical manners. It's not what I'm talking about.

I'm not comfortable, personally - although I put up with it - with the phrase 'LGBT.' I remember when it started to be adopted a little, and then widely, and especially in the general media and the wider populace.

For me a person is a person.

It's EVERYTHING ELSE about them, OTHER THAN SEX or sexuality, that is my first port of call, as it were, to discovering who they are and what they are and whether or not I will ever be interested in them in a sexual sense.

Many people these days declare loud and hard 'I am this/I am that.'

Lesbian
Gay
Bi-sexual
Transexual

Sappho of Lesbos was bisexual and threw herself off a cliff when a MALE rejected her. But more to the point, she was a lover of beauty in a particular philosophically-defined sense ( a lot of ancient writers go into it). In other words, she liked or loved, certain kinds of PEOPLE.

What the fuck does 'LGBT' really mean???

It's just a current fashionable phrase that will find itself locked into a particular zeitgeist and era.

The fact that there are huge political angles to it is meaningless to me on a personal and private level, but I acknowledge that it is a reality of current society, and in that sense it has some meaning. But not a lot. Not for any practical purposes for me. At least I can't see any. But I'm always open to see more than I do in the moment.

'Bi' is, as a category, vastly different from the other appellations and is not commensurable with them, because it is the only one that allows for 'the human' to be equally potentially sexual attractive. The others have assymetrical preferences that disassociate 'the human' from the sexual or gendered human specifically. I'm not saying they're not valid, but they're too different to be placed together. However, that's what's happened at the present time.

Desiremakesmeweak said:

I'm not comfortable, personally - although I put up with it - with the phrase 'LGBT.' I remember when it started to be adopted a little, and then widely, and especially in the general media and the wider populace.

For me a person is a person.

Click to expand...

If everybody felt that way and acted accordingly, we might not need such phrases.

Unfortunately we live in a world where discrimination and outright violence against LGBT people is a thing, and it's pretty much impossible to address that problem without having terminology to acknowledge who it affects.

What I do find problematic about "LGBT" and its variants is the way some people use it without remembering that each of those letters stands for a different thing and they're not interchangeable. A few weeks back I had a discussion that went like this:

"Hey, I'd enjoy your venue a lot more if the entertainers didn't tell transphobic jokes."

"I assure you, our business is LGBT friendly! Many of our performers are LGBT and we hold events in support of gay and lesbian causes."

Which makes no sense at all; gay men and women can be just as horrible as anybody else to trans folk, sometimes more so.

'Bi' is, as a category, vastly different from the other appellations and is not commensurable with them, because it is the only one that allows for 'the human' to be equally potentially sexual attractive. The others have assymetrical preferences that disassociate 'the human' from the sexual or gendered human specifically. I'm not saying they're not valid, but they're too different to be placed together. However, that's what's happened at the present time.

Click to expand...

Er, "trans" isn't a sexual preference. Trans people can be straight, gay, bi, pan, asexual, whatever.