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Old 05-31-2013, 01:54 PM   #1
laffalot is offline
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 94
Looking for some honest feedback

If anyone is interested, my newest story just posted called The Helpful Sister. It is my first full on lesbian incest story about two loving sisters. It is just a hair over three pages long. If Lesbian incest between two sisters gets your motor running, then give it a read and tell me what you all think.

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Old 06-01-2013, 05:04 PM   #2
Perfideous is offline
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: NZ
Posts: 80
I liked it

Not a lot not to like really.

I think you are maybe a little bit wordy but that's your style. For instance in the first paragraph we meet her cat Jack Sparrow. We get an explanation on who he is named after but I don't recall seeing him in the rest of the story.

So why is he in the story?

The opening scene where she's making a big production out of her Romantic Evening With Self has me puzzled. She gets the music right, gets the bubble bath right etc so she can do some jillin' while she's a chillin' and deep down she's happy with that?

But I'm just being picky.

You handle the seducing the sister challenge really well and there are some hot moments.

If I'm going to whinge it's that it's too restrained (for me) and the release when its all happening and Mrs Palm feels she should be involved never really happens.

But as I said that's your style and you write 'em as you write 'em.
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Old 06-02-2013, 07:20 AM   #3
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elfin_odalisque is offline
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: if I'm not all there, I must be here.
Posts: 10,056
I liked it too but agree that you should cut out anything not relevant to the story. I thought the story would have more impact if you had started with the knocking at the door then described her state in the bath.

The nexus between the sisters' sexuality and the parents' conservative views is surely the key that you wait 2 pages to develop. The spousal violence is more background to the story that you need to briefly describe to explain why she is there but trivial to the real plot.

I enjoyed the story and your writing but just think you let the focus of your story slip a bit by including too much extraneous details.

Still, a pretty good piece!
Elfin's Emissions
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:40 PM   #4
laffalot is offline
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 94

I appreciate the feedback Perfideous and elfin_odalisque. Thanks for taking the time to read the story and share your thoughts. I will take your observations into consideration.
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