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Sex once this year

policywank;72091672~snip~ [B said:
To the extent that she isn't feeling desire, doing the dishes isn't going to change that.[/B] It might get an obligatory fuck from a generous woman, but it isn't going to set her loins on fire. Like it or not for the most part we are attracted to strong men - generous and confident, but not weak or compliant.

~snip~

I think one of the great misperceptions is the idea that if you give me what I want I will give you what you want - sex. That isn't the way it works. My sex isn't a commodity that can be purchased with favour. I have sex with men that I find desirable. Being a lazy oaf can make a man undesirable, but it does not automatically follow that being a good little house keeper makes him desirable. It doesn't.

~snip~

Try to understand your spouse and create an environment for desire to flourish. But don't try to "earn it" unless you have been demonstrably falling short in this regard because that sends the wrong message.
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This is the essence of it. ^^^ (Brilliant post by the way.)

For whatever reason, men don't necessarily prefer a needy woman but under the right circumstances it is not always off putting. A man coming across as needy will shut a woman down hard, nearly every time. I am not sure even dominant women prefer needy men. A strong man that chooses to submit is sexy. A groveling one is not. Sorry about biology.

No one ever picked a girl up in a bar by begging. Can you imagine expecting to go home with a girl for offering to help her clean house?

I've given advice numerous time. Knowledge gained the very hardest way. I read a lot, pondered a lot and did a soulful introspection after it was far too late. To my knowledge, not a man has actively taken it. They simply continue as they were, tolerating a sexless marriage, hoping for change, but not changing how they assert themselves.

I discovered Athol Kaye after seeing some other blogs like "gaming your wife" I think the first I bumped into. His is the best advice I have seen. Nearly every man that reads it objects at first, "That isn't what we were told women want!" Some pull through that, some don't.

If your wife was sexual, and absent psychological trauma or physiological changes since, she is still a sexual being. She simply feels no sexual urges towards you. That is the harsh reality and it has to be faced. The problem is, men assume that if they more or less look about the same or better and are even nicer to them when they met, she HAS to be attracted, right?

Attraction does not work that way. Women are not sexually excited by "nice" as in safe, predictable, benign. They want and crave a little mystery, some surprise, some drama, some adventure, some excitement. This is not unreasonable. This is the connection between a womans mind and a womans arousal. No different than the fact that men are typically visual. Throw on some stockings and heels and I am ready.

What isn't sexy? Predictability. Knowing that you are sitting on the couch kind of hoping for sex, gun-shy about asking for it because of past rejections. She knows all of this. And you put up with it. That is not sexy. You rarely touch her because she pulls back because to her touch has meant that you are "wheedling for sex." So don't wheedle. Smack her ass and then go change the oil on the car. Pro tip: Get some of that decomposed dinosaur on you and make sure she catches a whiff of it. I can't stand the smell of used motor oil but chicks dig it. Primordial ooze stuff, methinks.

Buy a new cologne and put it on before you leave the house. Let her wonder. It does no harm and might do some good.

Pull her into your lap and don't grope her. Rub her shoulders, then tell her you are meeting the guys for beer or darts or strippers. Make something up. I suspect (as was true for me) most guys in sexless marriages are isolated. They don't leave and hang out with their guy friends. "Wouldn't want the missus to wonder what I'm up to... If she just sees me being a faithful eunuch for another year things will change."

There is no harm in looking like a guy with options. Don't be a dick about it but flirt with the damned waitress. Don't avert your eyes lest it piss off your wife. So what? She is not going to suck your dick for not smiling at the pretty girl. Smile at the pretty girl. That is why God Almighty made them pretty, so you would smile at them. Your wife knows this and it is weird that you don't.

Do all this, if for no other reason, that you are out of practice in picking up women (including your wife) and this is a skill you are going to need when your "not that into sex" wife suddenly makes the leap to an affair with some low-life scum bag because he seems "edgy."

Believe me or not, both partners in a sexless marriage are at a tremendous risk for an affair. That is a need not being met and it matters not at all that you have "offered" and been declined. It is truly sad to see the partner that "put up with" no sex and all of the soul-crushing ego-deflating crap that goes along with it be cheated on in the end. And when women cheat, they often leave.

She may not want sex but I guarantee you she wants to be seduced. Everyone does. I am a very average looking guy. I am verbal and sometimes I can make a girl laugh. Your wife is not unreachable. Put me in continual contact with her over a period of time where I can reasonably put my hands on her in non-sexual ways (touch is critical and the thing you are probably not doing) and more likely than not, I will be having at a minimum sexual conversation with her.

If she is ovulating and hasn't been laid in months, bedding her after doing all of the above would be no challenge.

I'll be shocked if anyone comes back in 6 months and says they googled Athol Kaye, connected with that community, improved themselves and their confidence and were now banging the shit out of their happy wife on the regular. Hope springs eternal, though.
 
Ha. RIGHT after that post, I bumped into a link to this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mating-game/201510/have-we-discovered-the-most-powerful-element-attraction
That, boys, is why you should flirt with the waitress. The waitress knows you have a wife, she is sitting right there. You smiling at the waitress with a twinkle of expectation is going to get a smile back. That in turn is a nod from the pretty girl to your wife, that you have intrinsic value as a man.

Men understand none of this because we are not wired that way.

In the highly unlikely event that your wife gives you "the look" or even more remote of a chance says anything, do not apologize. Shrug, give her a rakish grin and study your menu, and possibly the waitress' ass. Yeah I know a bridge too far. It isn't, but it will seem like it.
 
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I think women are often seen as being confusing (even intentionally so) in our messages to men. That is true to some degree. But I think men also choose to see our comments through their own sense or perspective and that creates a big disconnect.

It's not like all women are the same. When I say "sensitive" it means something different than what your mom told you and it isn't up to me to correct your interpretation. To me it means a man who is aware and tuned in to his surroundings and the perspective of others. It doesn't mean fawning and simpering. Weakness is unattractive. And treating me like someone who needs to be taken care of is insulting.

Romance is rooted in figuring out what I want, not some scripted stereotype of candlelight and soft music. Take me somewhere casual and fun. Make me laugh. Give me your attention, but do it as an equal human being interested in me.

By the way I already know you want to get into my pants. Pretending otherwise isn't credible. And whatever act or plan you come up with to "convince" me will be transparent and disrespectful. The only way to seem genuine is to be genuine.

Relationships have multiple facets so when I say I like this or that in a guy it doesn't automatically follow that those are my criteria for having sex with him. Just because that is what is on your mind doesn't mean it is what is on mine. And whatever this or that is in the circumstance aren't the only considerations for choosing a mate. It is just what is on my mind at that time.

And like I said above, some people are takers. You can't satisfy a taker by continuing to give. At some point you need to make them value what they are getting but not making it so easy to get. Women aren't any more likely to be takers than men. But for the woman who is a taker, the promise of sex is the perfect means of getting what she wants.
 
policywank said:
I think women are often seen as being confusing (even intentionally so) in our messages to men. That is true to some degree. But I think men also choose to see our comments through their own sense or perspective and that creates a big disconnect.

It's not like all women are the same. When I say "sensitive" it means something different than what your mom told you and it isn't up to me to correct your interpretation. To me it means a man who is aware and tuned in to his surroundings and the perspective of others. It doesn't mean fawning and simpering. Weakness is unattractive. And treating me like someone who needs to be taken care of is insulting.

Romance is rooted in figuring out what I want, not some scripted stereotype of candlelight and soft music. Take me somewhere casual and fun. Make me laugh. Give me your attention, but do it as an equal human being interested in me.

By the way I already know you want to get into my pants. Pretending otherwise isn't credible. And whatever act or plan you come up with to "convince" me will be transparent and disrespectful. The only way to seem genuine is to be genuine.

Relationships have multiple facets so when I say I like this or that in a guy it doesn't automatically follow that those are my criteria for having sex with him. Just because that is what is on your mind doesn't mean it is what is on mine. And whatever this or that is in the circumstance aren't the only considerations for choosing a mate. It is just what is on my mind at that time.

And like I said above, some people are takers. You can't satisfy a taker by continuing to give. At some point you need to make them value what they are getting but not making it so easy to get. Women aren't any more likely to be takers than men. But for the woman who is a taker, the promise of sex is the perfect means of getting what she wants.
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That probably was worth re-emphasizing. It also follows that if she does seem to view this as a bargaining chip, and she get the things she wants anyway without giving it up, not only are your rewarding undesired behavior, you are reinforcing the feeling of power that no-nookie gives her (or him) This happens the other way as well. Just does not seem as often.

I know that the same human principles apply for women who are being sexually neglected by their partners, but I don't know exactly how it all translates because men's triggers are different.
 
Que said:
That probably was worth re-emphasizing. It also follows that if she does seem to view this as a bargaining chip, and she get the things she wants anyway without giving it up, not only are your rewarding undesired behavior, you are reinforcing the feeling of power that no-nookie gives her (or him) This happens the other way as well. Just does not seem as often.

I know that the same human principles apply for women who are being sexually neglected by their partners, but I don't know exactly how it all translates because men's triggers are different.
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I think that a lot of women who are using it as a bargaining chip may not even realize they are doing it.

In my view that is because society's view of gender dynamics holds that women are the sexual gate keepers. Not being in the mood is not only an acceptable reason for denial, but sometimes even an imperative because to do otherwise is to accept being objectified and betray the feminist cause.

To the extent that women expect to play the role of gatekeeper and be able to do so more or less at our whim, it is easy to overlook the fact that we are using it as a bargaining chip. Getting him to do my bidding to put me in the mood is not only allowable but encouraged. I can take what I want and still deny him sex if his efforts don't put me in the mood. Of course not all women feel this way and I certainly don't, but for those that are "takers" it is a ready made rationalization.

As you say, it is very different for men. Whereas as denying sex is a woman's prerogative it is a masculine obligation to satisfy his woman. Justification for not doing so seems to be more likely to rest on finding some "defect" in her.

As a result, men are more likely to be judged negatively in this scenario because their rationalization is more explicitly premised on rejecting their spouse. The rejection is no less real or unfair when women do it, but we don't have to be so explicit. We can reject our partner and do it under the cover of a woman's prerogative.
 
The other factor here is that there is usually going to be some sort of powerful resentment in the mix for both male and female withholding partners. The resentment needing to be greater than the potential pleasure from indulging one's partner.

Else, why deny yourself the actual pleasure to be had?.
 
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There is some very solid advice in many of the responses to this thread, and credit goes to all who have taken the time to answer in well-tuned, sensitive language. I think I need to apply some of the advice to me, with my spouse and I well into our 60s. She underwent a radical hysterectomy now almost ten years ago to (successfully) stop the spread of cancer and since then her libido has waned to.... nothing. Not an unexpected development. My response has been inadequate. Yes, we discussed the dwindling frequency of intercourse, but mostly briefly and tentatively, and I am afraid my own behaviour has become passive-aggressive. So, the thoughts presented are worth pondering by me.
 
Que said:
The other factor here is that there is usually going to be some sort of powerful resentment in the mix for both male and female withholding partners. The resentment needing to be greater than the potential pleasure from indulging one's partner.

Else, why deny yourself the actual pleasure to be had?.
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Yes, but there are other possible reasons for withholding. Low sex drive, discomfort with your own body, decreased personal connection, busy lives and even guilt over one's own past actions are but a few examples of why interest in sex may wane generally or with one particular person.

My sense is that one of the biggest barriers is for both parties to come to grips with the existence of a problem and the best way forward. There is a fine line between intractable issues with respect to which the sex-starved partner should be more understanding and challenging issues that the withholding partner may need to gird themselves to face up to it.

I remember having a discussion with a friend recently on this topic. She is a very nice woman who is chronically busy and has a very hard time saying no to anyone who asks for help. Her husband got to the stage of explicitly communicating his frustration with their lack of sex life and the impact it was having on their relationship. She basically vented on him and then on me the fact that she is just too busy and tired. But it wasn't kids and job and keeping the family together that was consuming all her time.....it was her own inability to say no to demanding people outside her marriage. She saw her husband as being unsupportive of her charitable spirit. I saw it that her husband had been incredibly supportive while she was neglecting her commitment to him. She was hiding from her own inability to say no and couldn't see that by not doing so she was effectively saying no to her husband.
 
sailingbuddy said:
There is some very solid advice in many of the responses to this thread, and credit goes to all who have taken the time to answer in well-tuned, sensitive language. I think I need to apply some of the advice to me, with my spouse and I well into our 60s. She underwent a radical hysterectomy now almost ten years ago to (successfully) stop the spread of cancer and since then her libido has waned to.... nothing. Not an unexpected development. My response has been inadequate. Yes, we discussed the dwindling frequency of intercourse, but mostly briefly and tentatively, and I am afraid my own behaviour has become passive-aggressive. So, the thoughts presented are worth pondering by me.
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Interesting perspective.

I think a lot of us slip into passive aggressive behaviour sometimes, especially when we don't want to face something head on. That may be a result of how we think the other person will react, our own discomfort with potential confrontation or uncertainty as to our own point of view. But I don't know of any situation in which it is effective. It doesn't get the point across effectively and usually leaves the other person feeling like they are under attack from constant little jabs and judgments with no recourse.

It makes me think of the mother-in-law who always has something to say about your conduct or marriage but won't come right out and say it so that you can tell her to mind her own business. And if you tell her to stop she'll say that isn't what she meant and you should stop being so sensitive. Its a nasty self-serving little habit that fools nobody and is very damaging to relationships.
 
policywank said:
Yes, but there are other possible reasons for withholding. Low sex drive, discomfort with your own body, decreased personal connection, busy lives and even guilt over one's own past actions are but a few examples of why interest in sex may wane generally or with one particular person.

My sense is that one of the biggest barriers is for both parties to come to grips with the existence of a problem and the best way forward. There is a fine line between intractable issues with respect to which the sex-starved partner should be more understanding and challenging issues that the withholding partner may need to gird themselves to face up to it.

I remember having a discussion with a friend recently on this topic. She is a very nice woman who is chronically busy and has a very hard time saying no to anyone who asks for help. Her husband got to the stage of explicitly communicating his frustration with their lack of sex life and the impact it was having on their relationship. She basically vented on him and then on me the fact that she is just too busy and tired. But it wasn't kids and job and keeping the family together that was consuming all her time.....it was her own inability to say no to demanding people outside her marriage. She saw her husband as being unsupportive of her charitable spirit. I saw it that her husband had been incredibly supportive while she was neglecting her commitment to him. She was hiding from her own inability to say no and couldn't see that by not doing so she was effectively saying no to her husband.
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That is a pretty interesting anecdote on a lot of levels. Consider this: Why does she have a hard time saying no? Is she not filling some hole there, being validated by her being seen as the woman available to all? She seems to have the gumption to say no to the husband, so it is her public works alone and how that reflects on her perception of how others view her, vs just being a person that likes to please. Pleasing the husband would fill that need if that was the need. I think her need is public acclaim.

I haven't really thought about it before, but the mother of my children is such a woman. My social status was higher for being married to a woman that is quick to pitch in, quick to be the listening ear. She is (well was) the soccer coach, the cool mom, the carpool organizer, the volunteer at the school, the nursery leader at church, so I had to sit and bear sermons all on my own... May be a parallel there I missed. She never explicitly pulled the I'm too tired from all my hard work card, but much as we miss things pigeon-holing people, sometimes there are case studies that illuminate.

sailingbuddy said:
There is some very solid advice in many of the responses to this thread, and credit goes to all who have taken the time to answer in well-tuned, sensitive language. I think I need to apply some of the advice to me, with my spouse and I well into our 60s. She underwent a radical hysterectomy now almost ten years ago to (successfully) stop the spread of cancer and since then her libido has waned to.... nothing. Not an unexpected development. My response has been inadequate. Yes, we discussed the dwindling frequency of intercourse, but mostly briefly and tentatively, and I am afraid my own behaviour has become passive-aggressive. So, the thoughts presented are worth pondering by me.
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I don't want to minimize your frustrations at all, but I would assume that it is a little softer a blow to have that taken as an understandable result of an actual physical problem?

That in no way changes the fact that you are still doing without a very basic way to feel connected to your partner and that takes a little piece of your soul with it.

Being single for quite a while I go to bed alone a lot. I'd much rather that than go to bed with someone I am not intimate night after night. There is a country song I should find and link about "Are you lonely too, on your side of the bed?"

You were specific about intercourse, so I'll ask, did all of the other physical stuff including just cuddling and so on go with it? That seems a good starting point in your particular case, to me. To mention the desire you have to feel connected in a physical way, and can we work on more time in actual physical contact.
 
see a doctor

Could be he is not creating enough of his own manly androgynes. Get him to see doctor and get blood test. An injection every 3 months got my horny thoughts and action going again.

That or he is gay ... just joking
 
Que said:
That is a pretty interesting anecdote on a lot of levels. Consider this: Why does she have a hard time saying no? Is she not filling some hole there, being validated by her being seen as the woman available to all? She seems to have the gumption to say no to the husband, so it is her public works alone and how that reflects on her perception of how others view her, vs just being a person that likes to please. Pleasing the husband would fill that need if that was the need. I think her need is public acclaim.

I haven't really thought about it before, but the mother of my children is such a woman. My social status was higher for being married to a woman that is quick to pitch in, quick to be the listening ear. She is (well was) the soccer coach, the cool mom, the carpool organizer, the volunteer at the school, the nursery leader at church, so I had to sit and bear sermons all on my own... May be a parallel there I missed. She never explicitly pulled the I'm too tired from all my hard work card, but much as we miss things pigeon-holing people, sometimes there are case studies that illuminate.


The notion of seeking external validation is applicable to my friend. However that concept is a very broad one that usually gets narrowed down to an insecure person undertaking specific acts to get approval from those outside people and I don't think that is applicable.

In her case she is a generous person and has always seen herself as being in the service of others (no sexual connotation intended) in a very positive way. Giving of herself is something that gives her satisfaction and she wants to do the most good as opposed to simply be submissive and pleasing a single person. I guess we all have insecurities but I think her satisfaction really does come from the doing of good deeds more so than the feedback she receives externally.

But she prefers to be an active team member rather than the person in charge. So she is naturally oriented towards taking direction and generally averse to confrontation or displeasing anyone. She tries to take on everything but unconsciously does so in the order of how demanding people are, not how deserving. Meanwhile she fools herself that she can do it all. She can't and the things or people that get neglected are the ones that are least demanding.

It just so happens that her husband is very understanding and patient so he has been one of the least demanding. And they are very close so I think maybe she sometimes sees him as an extension of herself - willing to make sacrifices for others. She never had to muster the gumption to tell him no before this situation.

When it reached a boiling point, he was very nice about it. But he didn't let her get away with just assuming she could try harder and it would all be ok. He forced her to confront the fact that by effectively letting others set her priorities she was facilitating his neglect. It was at the point that she either had to say no to him or the others that she boiled over. She has spent most of her life avoiding just that scenario. She knew her husband wasn't the one at fault but he was the messenger and sometimes we take our frustrations out on those closest to us.

Or not. That is my analysis of it. It is unfortunate that he had to force things to a resolution, but it has worked out well. When push came to shove she choose her husband unequivocally and learned how to say no. She subsequently came to see many of those who were putting demands on her time in a different light. Not bad people. In fact, usually good people trying to do good things, but sufficiently self-involved that they would drain every ounce of her energy without ever even considering whether what they asked for was reasonable.

Every situation is unique. But I sort of think of her experience as indicative of what I see as sometimes an epidemic of politeness and confrontation avoidance. I don't mean confrontation in the nasty in your face way, but even the ability to disagree politely. I have engaged in a few conversations here and in real life in the recent past where a woman was complaining about a man's actions. In each case the other women immediately jump to her defence and blame the situation on the man before really having much in the way of facts. But at least some of the time the woman bore some or even most of the responsibility. We think we are being positive by being super nice and siding with her because she is the one right in front of us. But we don't consider that we might be reinforcing bad behaviour towards another party who doesn't deserve it.

Even in the anecdote about my friend, many of her other girlfriends took the view that her husband was being a selfish jerk by taking her away from her good works to go home and fuck him. I was the first one who actually probed for some details on their sex life and raised the prospect that there are two valid points of view in the marriage as to how much sexual contact is expected. When I first asked how much she was fucking him she got frustrated with me, as if that wasn't even a valid question. All of the other women didn't even acknowledge the possibility that her husband had a point.
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I think it is Ok that the husband was supportive and all else being the same, not demanding of her time and attention.

He clearly needed to assert himself sooner and more clearly. Waiting until it became, obviously, a problem puts the other person on the defensive.

There would be nothing wrong with saying the first time she is "too tired," Great! Lets cuddle. We can talk about how to get your time commitments more manageable tomorrow.

He wasn't leading because he probably has been socialized to feel it isn't his place to give direction or guidance to another adult. I know that is how I was.
 
Que said:
I think it is Ok that the husband was supportive and all else being the same, not demanding of her time and attention.

He clearly needed to assert himself sooner and more clearly. Waiting until it became, obviously, a problem puts the other person on the defensive.

There would be nothing wrong with saying the first time she is "too tired," Great! Lets cuddle. We can talk about how to get your time commitments more manageable tomorrow.

He wasn't leading because he probably has been socialized to feel it isn't his place to give direction or guidance to another adult. I know that is how I was.
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Ultimately they both addressed the issue like adults and worked through it.

I know he had raised the issue before and her response was to try harder. You are correct that he was reluctant to go the next step and give her specific direction because that amounted to telling her that her efforts were failing. She wasn't really ready to hear that and he loves her very much. But it had to happen.

Her natural response was to say she was doing her best. He basically had to say "No you aren't. You are avoiding the one thing that you must do which is set your own priorities, stand by them regardless of outside pressures and stop pretending that this can somehow be avoided by trying harder."

There is a strong case to be made that this could have all been dealt with a lot earlier. But knowing her I think there is also a case to be made that only a crisis would force her to open her eyes to the issue. And it was only at the point that he came to see that things might never change that he was prepared to risk hurting her.

I think it happens a lot that one partner or the other clings to some seemingly innocuous but actually very disruptive assumption, perhaps one they don't even recognize. A common one among women is that "I shouldn't have to have sex except when I am in the mood." Ya, ok I get the point but where does that hit a limit. Is not being in the mood for a year realistic - well maybe depending upon life events. How about a decade? How about two decades? At what point do you recognize that there is something bigger happening and stop just waiting for it to solve itself?
 
Oh my!
tumblr_ncow7kOlOE1smr45to1_500.gif
 
policywank said:
Simply and crudely put: I want to be fucked and touched regularly. I am entitled to expect that because that is part of our marriage commitment. You aren't giving it to me and are therefore failing to hold up your end of this bargain. If you disagree please say so explicitly so that I may make a decision as to how I will proceed with my life. And if you agree, please do something about it. I will help and participate in any activity if you like. But we cannot have a fruitful life together unless you can clearly and honestly tell me if you agree that we have a problem and intend to do something about it.
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Thank you. I let this thread languish, I signed out and retreated from all ofthis, trying to "shut this part of me down" before I gave up in defeat, but I'd be lying. I'm a sexual person. I need physical intimacy. I need touch.
Update as of now?
I haven't had sex yet this year.
It is a problem. I told him he has 6 months to change things or we can stay roommates, we can even stay "married" but I'll start dating.

NaokoSmith said:
One of my friends told me about this thread.
:)kiss:, sweetie ;) )

I'm not sure if OP is still reading, but I can see a lot of others are who are in similar situations.



Meanwhile I am having the best fun finding out how high I can fly without a millstone weighing me down.
:heart:
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Your story was especially helpful to me. Thank you.
 
This is my life. 19 months now with just a forehead kiss before work. It was never weird sex but a couple of times per month. I have talked about it, even with a therapist but nothing changes. I dont know what is next. If there weren't children, I would have left but that would be hard too. I havent worked in 14 years, just as a mom. So, this happens, a lot. And I don't know how to make it better. Nextdoor, message me if you would like to. J
 
AlwaysSoaked said:
This is my life. 19 months now with just a forehead kiss before work. It was never weird sex but a couple of times per month. I have talked about it, even with a therapist but nothing changes. I dont know what is next. If there weren't children, I would have left but that would be hard too. I havent worked in 14 years, just as a mom. So, this happens, a lot. And I don't know how to make it better. Nextdoor, message me if you would like to. J
Click to expand...

I think one of the most difficult parts is that I can't help but somehow think it has to be me.
 
D(.)(.)

Dollie--------------- Sometimes we marry too young or just because we were lonely. Some marry because the sex was good.

For me it was all three and I am the luckiest woman on earth.
I can't give any advice except from most of these posts divorce is the only way!
You are not helping the kids by staying married and letting them see two unhappy people.:rose:
 
I'm in the same boat. My wife said to me, "we've had all the kids we're going to have, what's the point?" I do want sex/intimacy/physical contact but she won't make the effort.
If the issue is that your hub is gay or bi, there IS the Straight Spouse Network (www.straightspouse.org) which may have a support group near you. There is help. There is hope.
 
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