Something I need to be concerned about?

Not sure if this is in the right place, but here goes.

Lately have noticed the wife forgetting things:
Example- left a hose on after watering and flooded the property
Example- Cooked a pot of rice on the stove, left it there, forgot it was cooking- when I found it the pot was burned and on fire.
She gets very angry. screams at the dogs when they bark and me for not jumping quick enough to calm them down. Has one favorite little dog she dotes on- the rest are completely ignored. FYI all of the dogs were rescued and she was the one who wanted them brought in the home- Now she hates having them here.
I try to help as much as I can, but not appreciated. All she says is that there is no one here to help here.
Oh yes, ignores me completely- hasn't touched me in over a week. Always complains.

She did have a benign brain tumor removed over 17 years ago- possible it came back?

She won't see a doctor- I already asked her to do that- told me I am the crazy one.

Thanks

Once her safety is at risk, it's time to call 911.

It's not easy. She may be angry with you.. resentful.. bitter.. she'll blame you.
Really, you know her best. You know if she's ok.
Trust your gut.. and act from your heart.

.....

Amarriedmomof3 said:

Depression, perhaps early signs of Alzheimer's, "going through the change", there are so many possibilities. Her refusing to go to the doctor says she knows there's something wrong. You do whatever you have to do. Get her in.
Prayers for healing, peace and strength.

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Thanks for your thoughts

This whole situation started about two months ago when I retired from the work force after working straight for 45 years.

I thought I would enjoy being retired and able to enjoy being at home- turns out its been nothing more than a living hell!!

Seriously thinking about going back to work full time- I have a lot of opportunity right now- and, as she feels she can't do what she wants to do, i.e. develop her own business, look to hire a gardner, housekeeper and full time lover for here so I can scram!!

Get help from her friends or family to tell her her personality has changed recently, if possible.

sunandshadow said:

Get help from her friends or family to tell her her personality has changed recently, if possible.

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She is not on friendly terms with her family- as to friends- she refuses to listen to them- tells them they are crazy- even tells me the same thing.

Thanks for the suggestions, though

victorious said:

Thanks for your thoughts

This whole situation started about two months ago when I retired from the work force after working straight for 45 years.

I thought I would enjoy being retired and able to enjoy being at home- turns out its been nothing more than a living hell!!

Seriously thinking about going back to work full time- I have a lot of opportunity right now- and, as she feels she can't do what she wants to do, i.e. develop her own business, look to hire a gardner, housekeeper and full time lover for here so I can scram!!

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Oh ho! Major change in both of your lives.

First of all - YES. If there was a pre-existing medical condition, you are correct to worry about it. Abrupt changes in personality are usually the sign something is going on with the hardware. You should diplomatically be a pain in the ass and make sure there isn't a problem.

Next up tho - you lucky dog you - you retired. You changed the local dynamic. And for all the denial that goes on - you did a major life change right there. YOU ARE ALWAYS AROUND. Sorry for the all caps, but it was deliberate. Something to talk about, make sure both of you have space blah blah blah.

It may end up being - if you want to do this - you going back to work as a consultant/temp what have you. Get out of her hair, make some more money and make sure the sit rep at home gets to be under control.

And hey - in this enlightened age and all - while you get her a muscular gardener - why not investigate getting an 'office assistant' - some younger lady - wears glasses, preferably brunette, short skirts and... - oops, don't let my fantasy intrude on your life...

Some good advice I would just echo -

On the medical side, encourage her to get in (the early poster was right, a person refusing to see the doc is generally a sign they know something is not right, unless they've always refused to see a doc).

On the life change side - holy hell - yes, retirement is a major life change and its does put you underfoot. Human beings need solitude periodically, so maybe try and find something to go out and do, or build a man cave and hide there.

NiceNastyMann said:

Oh ho! Major change in both of your lives.

First of all - YES. If there was a pre-existing medical condition, you are correct to worry about it. Abrupt changes in personality are usually the sign something is going on with the hardware. You should diplomatically be a pain in the ass and make sure there isn't a problem.

Next up tho - you lucky dog you - you retired. You changed the local dynamic. And for all the denial that goes on - you did a major life change right there. YOU ARE ALWAYS AROUND. Sorry for the all caps, but it was deliberate. Something to talk about, make sure both of you have space blah blah blah.

It may end up being - if you want to do this - you going back to work as a consultant/temp what have you. Get out of her hair, make some more money and make sure the sit rep at home gets to be under control.

And hey - in this enlightened age and all - while you get her a muscular gardener - why not investigate getting an 'office assistant' - some younger lady - wears glasses, preferably brunette, short skirts and... - oops, don't let my fantasy intrude on your life...

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I like your thinking and ideas!!
In fact, that is exactly what I am doing right now!!
I am beginning some consultancy work from home which will bring in extra money on top of the retirement money- Just starting out, so will take a little time to get it going. I know once it gets going - within the next 4-6 months- there will be much more money in the kitty, so to speak.

She has always wanted to have to her own business- and I am supportive of that- however, she wants it now- isn't or doesn't want to face the fact that developing a business takes time- not something that is up, running and making money immediately.
I told her that when she started it to start slow- but she didn't want to listen- wanted to do it her way.

victorious, I think NNM may have a very valid point with the exception od his last paragraph.

Suddenly you are home all of the time upsetting the comfortable routine she has set for herself over the last 45 years and she does not know how to deal with the disruption. Your being home all of the time has ruined her well established way of running her home and she is at a loss as to how to deal with the changes.

I do think you may have a real concern about her tumor having made a reappearance, do have a private talk with her or your doctor and see what he/she thinks.

If you do some checking you should find some free mental health hotlines that may give you a better idea of any possible mental problems she may be having and recommendations about where to get help.

You might also try to get the hell out of the house, go to the garage and cut some wood, bend some metal, take classes at the local college, in other words get the heck out of the house for some time and allow her to reestablish a routine, if the means working as a consultant or part time then do so and see if things improve. Do try to to give her, her house back to her to some extent.

Mike

victorious said:

I like your thinking and ideas!!
In fact, that is exactly what I am doing right now!!
I am beginning some consultancy work from home which will bring in extra money on top of the retirement money- Just starting out, so will take a little time to get it going. I know once it gets going - within the next 4-6 months- there will be much more money in the kitty, so to speak.

She has always wanted to have to her own business- and I am supportive of that- however, she wants it now- isn't or doesn't want to face the fact that developing a business takes time- not something that is up, running and making money immediately.
I told her that when she started it to start slow- but she didn't want to listen- wanted to do it her way.

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Wow. Do we both know the same woman?

Let her. Every thing I have ever read about people starting a business is - the first two or three fail. They need to fall on their ass - and it either becomes a come to Jesus moment and they figure it out or fail. But get out of the way!!

Of course saying that I'm guessing you are NOT betting the farm - if that is the case then ignore what I just wrote and say HELL NO!! At which point bring in your tax accountant and let him/her be the bad person.

And yeah, if I was in your shoes I'd be looking at what I can do in terms of consulting - just to keep my hand on the till and keeping busy, if nothing else. Hey - it keeps you young, you know?

NiceNastyMann said:

Wow. Do we both know the same woman?

Let her. Every thing I have ever read about people starting a business is - the first two or three fail. They need to fall on their ass - and it either becomes a come to Jesus moment and they figure it out or fail. But get out of the way!!

Of course saying that I'm guessing you are NOT betting the farm - if that is the case then ignore what I just wrote and say HELL NO!! At which point bring in your tax accountant and let him/her be the bad person.

And yeah, if I was in your shoes I'd be looking at what I can do in terms of consulting - just to keep my hand on the till and keeping busy, if nothing else. Hey - it keeps you young, you know?

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A Little History- Yes, I have been working for over 45 years straight before retiring- only 17 years of that time was I married- rest of the time I was single and on my own- married late in life- age 45- as I wanted to get all of my education done and out of the way, and be firmly established before I got married.

Wife is Asian, and she too was single up until age 45- worked in Healthcare as a Nurse-
stopped when we got married as we had a very comfortable income of almost six figures per year- then, several years into the marriage I became deathly sick due to environmental/chemical exposure and lost everything- all money and retirement funds from private 401 K. Got my health and strength back and had to re build my life and retirement funds, which I did.

As for retirement, we are not rich, but can live comfortably as we have no bills- car paid off, health insurance taken care of, no outstanding debts- debt free

I think the issue is the wife was living the good life as when I retired I was bringing in 3600 net a month- now we have about 2000 per month net. I am comfortable on this- she isn't.
Thanks.

I do not disagree with any of the social advice (except the part about the personal assistant.. lol)

I would like to respectfully offer an alternate scenario to the one you've suggested.
According to you, these problems started a couple of months ago when you retired. It sounds as if you were the primary financial contributor in your marriage which can be a very time consuming task. It can certainly make a person very focused on work.
I would suggest that these problems did not begin 2 months ago, but rather that you became more aware of them 2 months ago because you no longer had the distractions of your career.

It's pretty rare that any mental illness, depression, dementia, or emotional upset begins with such a sudden onset. The fact that your complaint is that she hasn't touched you in a week suggests that you normally share a physical relationship.

Has the home always been her turf? Is there a chance that she feels as if you've gone to your job for all these years while she was left to manage the home.. and now you want to come take over.. AND find that she's not managing well? Some people might get defensive or angry in that situation.

In response to your medical question,

Yes. Brain tumors can grow back and, according to your description, your wife would benefit from a neurological exam. It's a tricky situation. You've shared the parts that you feel are relevant and that can influence a response here. Personally, I think that a clean bill of health would make it easier to proceed with your new life together, especially if she's also worried about her health.

Update to first post

victorious said:

Not sure if this is in the right place, but here goes.

Lately have noticed the wife forgetting things:
Example- left a hose on after watering and flooded the property
Example- Cooked a pot of rice on the stove, left it there, forgot it was cooking- when I found it the pot was burned and on fire.
She gets very angry. screams at the dogs when they bark and me for not jumping quick enough to calm them down. Has one favorite little dog she dotes on- the rest are completely ignored. FYI all of the dogs were rescued and she was the one who wanted them brought in the home- Now she hates having them here.
I try to help as much as I can, but not appreciated. All she says is that there is no one here to help here.
Oh yes, ignores me completely- hasn't touched me in over a week. Always complains.

She did have a benign brain tumor removed over 17 years ago- possible it came back?

She won't see a doctor- I already asked her to do that- told me I am the crazy one.

Thanks

Click to expand...

Update:

Right before I retired, we both learned that she was to have received an inheritance from her parents that would have been a substantial sum. However, her greedy brothers and sisters had her removed from the will illegally. We tried to get help; however, because her family lives in a country where bribes/blackmail is the norm, we have not been successful.

When we found out about this originally, she asked me to help. I did what I could, but she blames me for her not getting what she is entitled to.

We have decided to remain married but distance ourselves from each other for a while and see how things go. We will still stay in the same house, but have totally separate lives. Since we have several bedrooms, I will stay in one and she will have the other.

We will evaluate this in a few months, and then decide if we are still compatible.
Thanks

Maybe your wife is depressed? Yes i would be concerned about the tumor maybe being back. Good luck, hope all works out!

Reply

Loverstogether said:

Maybe your wife is depressed? Yes i would be concerned about the tumor maybe being back. Good luck, hope all works out!

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Thanks for the support

victorious said:

Update:

Right before I retired, we both learned that she was to have received an inheritance from her parents that would have been a substantial sum. However, her greedy brothers and sisters had her removed from the will illegally. We tried to get help; however, because her family lives in a country where bribes/blackmail is the norm, we have not been successful.

When we found out about this originally, she asked me to help. I did what I could, but she blames me for her not getting what she is entitled to.

We have decided to remain married but distance ourselves from each other for a while and see how things go. We will still stay in the same house, but have totally separate lives. Since we have several bedrooms, I will stay in one and she will have the other.

We will evaluate this in a few months, and then decide if we are still compatible.
Thanks

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You are in a perfect storm - to use a very over used and now getting trite phrase, but accurate in your case.

I'm going to do a lot of guessing here! Your wife is not pleased with the loss of status that occurred because of your illness. Yes you built it back up so that you are now comfortable - but not at the level that she was accustomed to.

You know that saying - women marry up? Sounds like that is what happened. I'm not at all suggesting she is a gold digger or only in it for what you can provide etc. but! From your description - she is very cognizant of the fact your big money making days are behind you, and she's not going to be getting back into the kind of life she was looking forward to.

Now this.

You need to take a hard look at the situation. You - yourself, the person, the guy - are in a very precarious spot. Male longevity is statistically matched to having a stable home life - wife/significant other, things going decent, the usual trappings of middle to later life.

That is sounding as if it's going to be disappearing for you. This will come over as cold hearted. Well, it is. Make sure your backside is covered. Your wife is likely to push things to where she is out of your life. AND may well want a piece of your hide just because as she walks out the door.

The time to talk to an attorney is NOW. Get your ass - and your assets - covered, know what your rights are, get a game plan in case. Balm your conscience with the fact you are ONLY doing this defensively - cause brother she is probably doing the same right now. If nothing happens - better yet have a very frank talk with the mouthpiece - set up two lines of discussion.

First is just simple financial planning. Do you have a will? Do you have a plan? Good time to review or at least start one.

Second is - if the balloon goes up - and you get served a writ to appear for divorce AND you are to leave the domicile forthwith AND you are looking at the bulk of YOUR assets going into HER pocket - yes she is probably a wonderful person but her attorney is going to make sure SHE is taken care of - then you have the beginning of a game plan.

I hope for your sake in a months time things get back to normal - this will be something you both will smile at each other over the dinner table.

But - plan for the worst. Be ecstatically glad if it does not happen. But if it does - you will be in a better place.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you.

If my recall isn't whacked, I seem to remember you posting about your marital troubles a couple of years ago, well before you retired. IRC, she was withholding sex as a way to get back at you. And I think that thread ended exactly with where you are now.

Dude, I'm all for saving marriages where possible. But sometimes there comes a time where enough is enough. Precisely where that point is, only you can determine. But based upon this most recent thread, and the ones you posted in the past, I think you need to take a long, hard look at things and figure out where you want to go from here. If the situation is really as bad as you describe in your past threads, do you really want to spend the remainder of your life like this?

I'm not saying you need to divorce her. What I am saying is that I think it would be wise to look back on your relationship, look back on how much she has or hasn't been willing to work with you to improve the marriage, the likelihood of her changing her actions going forward, and how many more times you want to ride this not so merry go round.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you have some hard decisions ahead of you. I wish you the clarity and the wisdom to find a path that makes you happy.

Reply

bailadora said:

I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you.

If my recall isn't whacked, I seem to remember you posting about your marital troubles a couple of years ago, well before you retired. IRC, she was withholding sex as a way to get back at you. And I think that thread ended exactly with where you are now.

Dude, I'm all for saving marriages where possible. But sometimes there comes a time where enough is enough. Precisely where that point is, only you can determine. But based upon this most recent thread, and the ones you posted in the past, I think you need to take a long, hard look at things and figure out where you want to go from here. If the situation is really as bad as you describe in your past threads, do you really want to spend the remainder of your life like this?

I'm not saying you need to divorce her. What I am saying is that I think it would be wise to look back on your relationship, look back on how much she has or hasn't been willing to work with you to improve the marriage, the likelihood of her changing her actions going forward, and how many more times you want to ride this not so merry go round.

I wish you luck. It sounds like you have some hard decisions ahead of you. I wish you the clarity and the wisdom to find a path that makes you happy.

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Things had improved greatly and were fine until I retired.
We will work through this as well. There is a higher power- Jesus- and we will work this out. Just a small bump in the road.
Thanks for caring.

New Information

victorious said:

Things had improved greatly and were fine until I retired.
We will work through this as well. There is a higher power- Jesus- and we will work this out. Just a small bump in the road.
Thanks for caring.

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I know why all of the sudden shift in behavior on her part- forgetfulness, anxiety, screaming at the dogs and me and lashing out for no reason-

!6 years ago she had a grade 2 benign ganglioma on the ocipital nerve which was surgically to 95% due to the fact total removal would have caused her to bleed to death and die on the operating table. All of these sudden changes in behavior are indicative of the tumor reappearing. I just did some research from National Health Service, Mayo Clinic and found that grade 2 tumors of this type can come back.

She will not go to a doctor again.

Please pray for her healing as she will need a miracle!!

New Update

victorious said:

I know why all of the sudden shift in behavior on her part- forgetfulness, anxiety, screaming at the dogs and me and lashing out for no reason-

!6 years ago she had a grade 2 benign ganglioma on the ocipital nerve which was surgically to 95% due to the fact total removal would have caused her to bleed to death and die on the operating table. All of these sudden changes in behavior are indicative of the tumor reappearing. I just did some research from National Health Service, Mayo Clinic and found that grade 2 tumors of this type can come back.

She will not go to a doctor again.

Please pray for her healing as she will need a miracle!!

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I would like to thank all of the people here who have been kind and have responded to me.

It is I guess for the best as we have decided to part ways and she will go home to her country (the Philippines) in December. Whether or not she comes back, I do not know, and frankly do not care. She says that she now regrets ever marrying me and realizes she should have been a missionary. That is what she plans to do.

The irony of her wanting to go home is that she wants to see her family who is there- the same family members who stole over $100,000 US Dollars from her which was to have been hers as a result of her inheritance from her parents and their will. The same family members who also forged her name and fraudulently removed her name from the will.

I will be able to survive, and I will move on with my life.

I have a friend that I have known for many years who wants to come back to California to live and I will ask if she wants to live her in the house.

Take care, all

It's Over

Wife and I are splitting up- she going back to her country at end of year and I will stay here.

She will get her SS and money that her family owes her when there- I will stay her with my SS and continue to do my consulting work.

She is upset that I never took her on a vacation . Truth is, when I was working, I had many times when I was travelling and went to business meetings and conferences and wanted to bring her along, she refused to go. I told her that we could make it a vacation time- she told me that she did not want top go because I had work to do.

She said she would only go if I did not have any work during the day- she wanted me all to herself.

I can say this- I did provide for her during our marriage- she never lacked for anything. I also gave her family money in the early stages of our marriage which was to have been used to set up a vacation place for us- they stole that money too, and used it for themselves.

I realize now she has always been unhappy from the beginning- now the real ugly person is coming out.

I hold no resentments or ill will against her- I wish her well and hope she eventually finds what she is looking for.

This was to have been a happy time for us- our 17th wedding anniversary this weekend- there will be no celebration.

As for me, I am and always have been a survivor- I beat death, and will also get through this as well with God's help and love.

victorious said:

She is upset that I never took her on a vacation . Truth is, when I was working, I had many times when I was travelling and went to business meetings and conferences and wanted to bring her along, she refused to go. I told her that we could make it a vacation time- she told me that she did not want top go because I had work to do.

She said she would only go if I did not have any work during the day- she wanted me all to herself.

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She really must have loved you, if she put up with this for 17 years.

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Primalex said:

She really must have loved you, if she put up with this for 17 years.

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I have many friends and associates who are away a lot and take their wives/girlfriends with them.
They jump at the chance to go. She would always say she can't go- "who will take care of the dogs? The dogs were more important and were her life- not me.

victorious said:

I have many friends and associates who are away a lot and take their wives/girlfriends with them.
They jump at the chance to go. She would always say she can't go- "who will take care of the dogs? The dogs were more important and were her life- not me.

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I agree. If someone wants to spend time with you, there will be no conditions on how the time is spent. It shouldn't matter whether you were on business or not. Just the fact that you were thoughtful and caring enough to invite her could have meant a great deal had she chosen for it to.

Good luck in your future and prayers for your healing.