wildsweetone
i am what i am
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2002
- Posts
- 6,809
Overall I like your ideas. Mainly just a widdling down of one or two redundant words and slighly better use of the english language, but overall my original description stays mostly the same.
yes of course it stays the same. the character is your character. you know what your character looks like better than me. it's your job to convey how they look, to me in a way that leaves no doubt, no gaps, in my mind.
with the 24 extra words you have, you could buff up the 'jersey' a little, at the moment it seems almost an extra sentence put in there. also, although i know he is not a 'boy', you say 'boyish charm' but i still have no idea exactly how old he might be. can you convey that in the extra words? he could really be any age from, say, 18 - 70. i need something more to be able to 'pin him down'. any ideas?