Hi everyone, just looking for feedback on my first story. it is true. thank you
https://www.literotica.com/s/shaking-my-boobs-for-a-crowd
https://www.literotica.com/s/shaking-my-boobs-for-a-crowd
My first story, looking for feedback
- Thread starter ddlori
- Start date
kurrginatorX
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Kudos for living out a fantasy, and especially for having a hubby who would allow you to. I like the detail you gave the whole experience. I am curious as to what you saw in those first two videos. 5 stars. You earned them.
MelissaBaby
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Hey, I went to an amateur competition a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't win anything! And I used to be a pro!
You've given us a good first effort. I hope you will stick with it. One suggestion I would make is that I'd have liked to see more of the story told in dialogue rather than description. I think that would have made the narrative more lively.
If you don't mind:
As we were preparing to leave, the DJ came over to us and gave me my shoes. I took them and he handed me five hundred dollars.
"Congratulations, here's your prize money," he said, "and if you'd like to dance again, we have an opening at eleven tonight."
I looked at Joe. He was smiling, but shrugged his shoulders.
"Well," the DJ said, "I hope you'll come back for amateur night next week."
"We will have to think about it," i told him.
***
What do you think? In any case, welcome to the ranks of Lit authors.
You've given us a good first effort. I hope you will stick with it. One suggestion I would make is that I'd have liked to see more of the story told in dialogue rather than description. I think that would have made the narrative more lively.
If you don't mind:
As we were preparing to leave, the DJ came over to us and gave me my shoes. I took them and he handed me five hundred dollars.
"Congratulations, here's your prize money," he said, "and if you'd like to dance again, we have an opening at eleven tonight."
I looked at Joe. He was smiling, but shrugged his shoulders.
"Well," the DJ said, "I hope you'll come back for amateur night next week."
"We will have to think about it," i told him.
***
What do you think? In any case, welcome to the ranks of Lit authors.
MelissaBaby
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i see what you mean melissa, thank you for the tip!
mr. kurrginatorX:
thank you, glad you enjoyed
You are welcome. Good luck with your writing, and the dancing.
(38DDs? I bet your back was killing you the next day.
)
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
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Hey, I went to an amateur competition a couple of weeks ago, and I didn't win anything! And I used to be a pro!
You've given us a good first effort. I hope you will stick with it. One suggestion I would make is that I'd have liked to see more of the story told in dialogue rather than description. I think that would have made the narrative more lively.
If you don't mind:
As we were preparing to leave, the DJ came over to us and gave me my shoes. I took them and he handed me five hundred dollars.
"Congratulations, here's your prize money," he said, "and if you'd like to dance again, we have an opening at eleven tonight."
I looked at Joe. He was smiling, but shrugged his shoulders.
"Well," the DJ said, "I hope you'll come back for amateur night next week."
"We will have to think about it," i told him.
***
What do you think? In any case, welcome to the ranks of Lit authors.
This is excellent advice.
Mixing up dialogue and narrative effectively is a great way to improve a story. Beginning authors often give short shrift to dialogue, but it's essential, and it makes the story much easier to read.
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
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I read your story.
The best thing about your story is that it comes across as authentic. As I read it, I felt like I was experiencing how you would feel as a real person showing your tits to a crowd of men and getting off on the experience. That makes it very erotic. It doesn't seem fake or phony. That sense of realism in your story -- that you are revealing your real erotic desires -- is powerful.
Adding to what Melissa Baby said above, the one thing I can suggest is paying a bit more attention to how you handle dialogue. There are some places where the punctuation for dialogue isn't quite right, and being a grammar/punctuation geek I find that distracting. It's not hard to correct.
For instance:
I said, "I know." and finished my drink.
You can't put a period after "know" and then continue with an uncapitalized "and." It should be:
I said, "I know," and finished my drink.
Or
I said, "I know." I finished my drink.
And as Melissa Baby says, don't describe dialogue in narrative form. Use every opportunity to relate dialogue as dialogue. It makes the story easier to read and it forces you as an author to be more specific and descriptive about exactly what the characters are saying to each other.
Keep writing!
The best thing about your story is that it comes across as authentic. As I read it, I felt like I was experiencing how you would feel as a real person showing your tits to a crowd of men and getting off on the experience. That makes it very erotic. It doesn't seem fake or phony. That sense of realism in your story -- that you are revealing your real erotic desires -- is powerful.
Adding to what Melissa Baby said above, the one thing I can suggest is paying a bit more attention to how you handle dialogue. There are some places where the punctuation for dialogue isn't quite right, and being a grammar/punctuation geek I find that distracting. It's not hard to correct.
For instance:
I said, "I know." and finished my drink.
You can't put a period after "know" and then continue with an uncapitalized "and." It should be:
I said, "I know," and finished my drink.
Or
I said, "I know." I finished my drink.
And as Melissa Baby says, don't describe dialogue in narrative form. Use every opportunity to relate dialogue as dialogue. It makes the story easier to read and it forces you as an author to be more specific and descriptive about exactly what the characters are saying to each other.
Keep writing!
MelissaBaby
Wordy Bitch
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I think for most novice writers, dialogue is the most intimidating thing to write. It is where you are most likely to hit false notes and sound inauthentic. I think many times, new writers flinch a bit at the thought of it.
For me, there is no secret to writing good dialogue.The secret is in learning how to listen to the people around you, really listen, to how they speak.
ElectricBlue
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This is the only "dimensional" story I've read through - normally, "I'm a xx cup and xx tall" = yawn back-click for me - but this one's an excited, visceral tell.
If this isn't a truthful recount, then your imagination is mighty fine. Not enough to get me interested in big breasts, but hey, it's your story, not mine, so who cares about that.
I didn't mind the mix of dialogue and narrated dialogue, that worked okay for me. Keep writing - excitement is good!
If this isn't a truthful recount, then your imagination is mighty fine. Not enough to get me interested in big breasts, but hey, it's your story, not mine, so who cares about that
.I didn't mind the mix of dialogue and narrated dialogue, that worked okay for me. Keep writing - excitement is good!
MelissaBaby
Wordy Bitch
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This is the only "dimensional" story I've read through - normally, "I'm a xx cup and xx tall" = yawn back-click for me - but this one's an excited, visceral tell.
If this isn't a truthful recount, then your imagination is mighty fine. Not enough to get me interested in big breasts, but hey, it's your story, not mine, so who cares about that
I didn't mind the mix of dialogue and narrated dialogue, that worked okay for me. Keep writing - excitement is good!
I hear you on the size thing, but in this case, it didn't put me off at all.
As someone who has been on stage, I thought she did a good job of conveying the excitement of being the center of erotic attention, the object of desire. Yes, the story could use some polish, but it has the ring of emotional truth to it.
Jay Richards
Really Experienced
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- May 23, 2004
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Just great
Hi LOri, I'm a breast and nipple lover, your story is great, I liked the pace and your descriptions of how lusty you felt at the time. Best story of the month!
Jay Richards
Hi LOri, I'm a breast and nipple lover, your story is great, I liked the pace and your descriptions of how lusty you felt at the time. Best story of the month!
Jay Richards
lovecraft68
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- Jul 13, 2009
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I'm not a 'boob guy', and like someone else said when stats come in, I usually find my way out.
But considering the situation and point of the story they worked a bit better in this context than in most stories.
The story had a good feel to it, very real and described well enough that I could totally envision what was going on and even though I could never be in that position it made me feel like I was.
The feelings and emotions and thoughts that created them were excellent.
Great job, keep writing!
But considering the situation and point of the story they worked a bit better in this context than in most stories.
The story had a good feel to it, very real and described well enough that I could totally envision what was going on and even though I could never be in that position it made me feel like I was.
The feelings and emotions and thoughts that created them were excellent.
Great job, keep writing!
I didn't read part one as I suspect you want to re-use your old thread to get people to evaluate your new story. You really should have posted a link to your new story.
https://www.literotica.com/s/shaking-my-boobs-for-a-crowd-pt-02-dancing
You have a tendency to state then restate certain things. Redundancy isn't usually appreciated by readers. People who read your story won't appreciate your repeating certain things.
I'm going to go on a little rant. I can't describe how much I hate the way of favorably describing an ass as "tight." However, describing that someone as a "tight ass" works for me because it doesn't sound favorable in any way, shape or form. Howard stern used to use the phrase a lot, and I kept thinking "so, if you managed to stick a roll of quarters up their ass, then you think you'd get 99 pennies back (it's that 'tight'? "
It really turns me off. I can't imagine how people hear the phrase and think it sounds good.
Plugging another story within your story isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the way you did it, lacks subtly. When someone reads a story, they want to submerge themselves into the writers world, and not be forcefully reminded "hey, in case you forgot, this is a story!" Put the reference in parenthesis, and try not to call too much attention to it.
I see you didn't take any advice from your previous reviews, regarding listing detailed stats. It really was very good advice.
Thankfully the story isn't that long, as one literotica page of paragraphs, and enclosed sentences, starting with a noun or pronoun is very monotonous as it is. What am I talking about?
Try to break up your paragraphs into who or what the paragraph is describing, or who is talking. Putting where the main character is talking, then another character, then 1st person observations, combined with 3rd person interpretations, gets very confusing for the reader. Break the paragraphs up into succinct units around each character. Thus:
Your style of writing is very one dimensional. It's a lot of what is on the surface; what is heard or seen. You SHOW what is underneath, but you don't describe what is going on inside. For example:
For the most part, spell out numbers. Also, try 2 use use different numbers, 2! 2 be exact, people start 2 notice when you use the same numbers again, and again. What do I mean?
"for about 2 miles." "on the 2nd floor." "2 flaps of fabric" "2 older teens." "selling margarita's and got 2."
You DID manage to vary the times, but it seemed it was always exactly 6:30 or 10:30. It's okay to generalize to neat increments, but throw an "about" or "around" here and there.
I noticed a couple of misspelled words, where an editor might have helped. If you don't wish to use an editor, try to read the story out loud. Errors tend to jump out easier when you do that.
I'm not really breast fixated myself, so I tended to gloss over those passages, and might have missed observing something pertinent.
As you are writing purportedly first hand accounts, the story reads well, but your style needs to improve to do your story justice. Relying on those who appreciate breastages, and boobage will only get you so far. If your intent is to someday write fictional accounts, you might want to consider honing your craft now, instead of later.
https://www.literotica.com/s/shaking-my-boobs-for-a-crowd-pt-02-dancing
You have a tendency to state then restate certain things. Redundancy isn't usually appreciated by readers. People who read your story won't appreciate your repeating certain things.
I'm going to go on a little rant. I can't describe how much I hate the way of favorably describing an ass as "tight." However, describing that someone as a "tight ass" works for me because it doesn't sound favorable in any way, shape or form. Howard stern used to use the phrase a lot, and I kept thinking "so, if you managed to stick a roll of quarters up their ass, then you think you'd get 99 pennies back (it's that 'tight'? "
It really turns me off. I can't imagine how people hear the phrase and think it sounds good.
Plugging another story within your story isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the way you did it, lacks subtly. When someone reads a story, they want to submerge themselves into the writers world, and not be forcefully reminded "hey, in case you forgot, this is a story!" Put the reference in parenthesis, and try not to call too much attention to it.
I see you didn't take any advice from your previous reviews, regarding listing detailed stats. It really was very good advice.
Thankfully the story isn't that long, as one literotica page of paragraphs, and enclosed sentences, starting with a noun or pronoun is very monotonous as it is. What am I talking about?
I felt this way. I did that. He felt this way. He did that. We did this. We did that.
I did this. I said that. He said this. He felt that. We felt this way. We said that.
I said this. I did that. He felt this. He said that. We said this. We did that.
I simplified, and generalized, but that's how your story reads. Vary the way you say things. Don't get caught in predictable patterns of writing. It's difficult (impossible?) to write a first person narrative without saying "I" sometimes, so it isn't wrong when/if you do, but at least try to restructure the sentences so it doesn't start off that way.I did this. I said that. He said this. He felt that. We felt this way. We said that.
I said this. I did that. He felt this. He said that. We said this. We did that.
Try to break up your paragraphs into who or what the paragraph is describing, or who is talking. Putting where the main character is talking, then another character, then 1st person observations, combined with 3rd person interpretations, gets very confusing for the reader. Break the paragraphs up into succinct units around each character. Thus:
Drunkenly with desire, I said (this).
His expression told me exactly how he felt.
Pressing my lips against his, I expressed my gratitude.
I also tried to mix my previous comment into this comment by showing how you can still use nouns and pronouns within a sentence, but vary the structure to make it more interesting.His expression told me exactly how he felt.
Pressing my lips against his, I expressed my gratitude.
Your style of writing is very one dimensional. It's a lot of what is on the surface; what is heard or seen. You SHOW what is underneath, but you don't describe what is going on inside. For example:
We went to breakfast and the waiter kept staring at my chest. My response was to pull the top down and my boobs up to show as much cleavage as possible. Joe loved it and kept encouraging me.
You don't say how the main character felt. You just show her reaction. Here's another way to have done this:We went to breakfast the next morning. As we sat down, I noticed our waiter couldn't help but keep glancing at my chest.
I blushed in shock, but at the same time, preened that he was so captivated by my looks.
Subtly, as Joe gave his order, I pulled down my top, stretching out the neckline to reveal more of my breasts. Before the waiter turned to address me he started to say, "And you'll have...?" which is probably good, because his eyes bulged at what he saw.
Leaning forward, I looked down at the menu on the table, which allowed the waiter a more generous view down my blouse. "I'll have (blah, blah, blah)" As I spoke, I casually crossed my arms under my breasts hefting them further, causing the nipples to nearly burst free from the cover of my blouse.
Licking his lips nervously, the waiter quietly tried to focus on his pad, but obsessively stole glances at my nipples peeking out at him.
Lost in heady exhibitionism, I couldn't help but repeat myself a couple times.
The waiter didn't seem to mind the extra time needed to take my order.
Joe blatantly smiled at our waiter's reaction to my teasing. Apparently he enjoyed what I was doing as much as out waiter and nodded his encouragement to me.
As a result, it will be more wordy, and descriptive, but it will allow the reader to better experience what the main character is going through.I blushed in shock, but at the same time, preened that he was so captivated by my looks.
Subtly, as Joe gave his order, I pulled down my top, stretching out the neckline to reveal more of my breasts. Before the waiter turned to address me he started to say, "And you'll have...?" which is probably good, because his eyes bulged at what he saw.
Leaning forward, I looked down at the menu on the table, which allowed the waiter a more generous view down my blouse. "I'll have (blah, blah, blah)" As I spoke, I casually crossed my arms under my breasts hefting them further, causing the nipples to nearly burst free from the cover of my blouse.
Licking his lips nervously, the waiter quietly tried to focus on his pad, but obsessively stole glances at my nipples peeking out at him.
Lost in heady exhibitionism, I couldn't help but repeat myself a couple times.
The waiter didn't seem to mind the extra time needed to take my order.
Joe blatantly smiled at our waiter's reaction to my teasing. Apparently he enjoyed what I was doing as much as out waiter and nodded his encouragement to me.
For the most part, spell out numbers. Also, try 2 use use different numbers, 2! 2 be exact, people start 2 notice when you use the same numbers again, and again. What do I mean?
"for about 2 miles." "on the 2nd floor." "2 flaps of fabric" "2 older teens." "selling margarita's and got 2."
You DID manage to vary the times, but it seemed it was always exactly 6:30 or 10:30. It's okay to generalize to neat increments, but throw an "about" or "around" here and there.
I noticed a couple of misspelled words, where an editor might have helped. If you don't wish to use an editor, try to read the story out loud. Errors tend to jump out easier when you do that.
I'm not really breast fixated myself, so I tended to gloss over those passages, and might have missed observing something pertinent.
As you are writing purportedly first hand accounts, the story reads well, but your style needs to improve to do your story justice. Relying on those who appreciate breastages, and boobage will only get you so far. If your intent is to someday write fictional accounts, you might want to consider honing your craft now, instead of later.
