Story Discussion: <16/08/14>. "Second Best" by Betty_Rage

Hi there!
This is my first post in the forum, so apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place/ my format is wrong - I've read some seemingly conflicting information and have been going round in circles of links for a little while. Hopefully though, this is either right, or I'll be forgiven for messing it up!

I started posting on Literotica pretty recently and have so far posted six chapters of my story 'Second Best': each chapter is approximately 1000 words.

The story is about three characters, Steph, Mark and Lilly. Mark and Lilly are primary partners in a long distance relationship. Steph is Mark's secondary partner and the narrator. The drama begins when Steph and Lilly meet for the first time!
The story starts out very vanilla, but after a couple of chapters becomes much more BDSM orientated.

Link to Chapter One.

The main things that I would like advice on are:

• Structure (especially where to cut the chapters, I think this is my biggest problem since I have simply been cutting every 1000-ish words to make the amount of writing feel manageable rather than thinking seriously about the flow of the story)
• Does it feel like a believable story/set of relationships? I'm not trying to write the kind of over-the-top kink 'epic' where you can't go to the bathroom or make a sandwich because your Master said so. I'm aiming for more of a soap opera where the characters just happen to be into BDSM - am I doing that?
• How to write a punchier introduction: my first chapter is by far my most poorly received and I'm guessing its because there isn't enough sex in it? Is there more to it than that?

But anything else you want to mention please do let me know, I'd love to hear your views!

Thank you for reading this post or my story.

Betty_Rage said:

[*] I'm not trying to write the kind of over-the-top kink 'epic' where you can't go to the bathroom or make a sandwich because your Master said so. I'm aiming for more of a soap opera where the characters just happen to be into BDSM - am I doing that?
[*] How to write a punchier introduction: my first chapter is by far my most poorly received and I'm guessing its because there isn't enough sex in it? Is there more to it than that?

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Your first chapter may well be low rated because it does not fit well in romance. It also is really short and does not give much of a clue that this is a BDSM story. I would suggest, since this is a bit of an unusual story, you combine the first stories into a longer one that fully lays out what you want to cover and does not make the reader wonder why you posted it on a sex-story site.

Betty_Rage said:

Hi there!
This is my first post in the forum, so apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place/ my format is wrong - I've read some seemingly conflicting information and have been going round in circles of links for a little while. Hopefully though, this is either right, or I'll be forgiven for messing it up!

I started posting on Literotica pretty recently and have so far posted six chapters of my story 'Second Best': each chapter is approximately 1000 words.

The story is about three characters, Steph, Mark and Lilly. Mark and Lilly are primary partners in a long distance relationship. Steph is Mark's secondary partner and the narrator. The drama begins when Steph and Lilly meet for the first time!
The story starts out very vanilla, but after a couple of chapters becomes much more BDSM orientated.

Link to Chapter One.

The main things that I would like advice on are:

• Structure (especially where to cut the chapters, I think this is my biggest problem since I have simply been cutting every 1000-ish words to make the amount of writing feel manageable rather than thinking seriously about the flow of the story)
• Does it feel like a believable story/set of relationships? I'm not trying to write the kind of over-the-top kink 'epic' where you can't go to the bathroom or make a sandwich because your Master said so. I'm aiming for more of a soap opera where the characters just happen to be into BDSM - am I doing that?
• How to write a punchier introduction: my first chapter is by far my most poorly received and I'm guessing its because there isn't enough sex in it? Is there more to it than that?

But anything else you want to mention please do let me know, I'd love to hear your views!

Thank you for reading this post or my story.

Click to expand...

Thank you for posting a request for a genuine story discussion. It has been ages since anyone used this forum in the manner it was intended.

Turning to your first question, I found the snippet of story labeled "Chapter 01" to be far too short. I don't know how long you expect the final piece to be when finished, but in this case 1000 words was far too brief. That's less than 1/3 of a full Lit. page. You introduced us to two of the characters, but that was it. The brevity might not have been problematic if anything happened to advance the story, but it didn't go that far. The title and the premise are interesting, but you have to give the reader more to convince him/her to come back for chapter 2. There is usually a huge drop off in views from chapter 1 to 2 in just about any multi-chapter story, so it's important that you hook those readers with chapter 1.

Believable? I don't know yet. I know there are polyamorous couples out there, so the concept is certainly possible. The long-distance relationship is an element which would make this type of situation more credible. Where you complicate matters is by mentioning that Mark/Steph/Lilly are part of a community of polyamorous individuals. I'm not saying it can't happen, but you need some more explanation of how this community exists to convince me it is plausible.

Is your BDSM light approach a problem? Not for me. I haven't seen enough of it yet, but I'm not into the rules and rituals that go into most BDSM stories. For me, a story that has less emphasis on Master this and Sir that is refreshing.

Your final question is answered in the first party of my response. For me, there is nothing wrong with the way you started the story. The problem is that you cut it off too soon. It didn't go anywhere. Continue with what you started, develop more of the story, dig your hooks deeper into the reader, and then leave them wanting more. Does every chapter require sex? The short answer is "no." It depends entirely on the story. All of my stories have sex in every chapter, but that's just me. I've read a number of stories that don't do it that way. Many great stories here on Lit. don't have sex in every chapter.

But if you don't have sex, you have to satisfy the reader in some other way.

Overall, I like the way you writet, I just wish you would think about the overall arch of your story rather than arbitrary word limits. Every chapter should have a structure.

Betty_Rage said:

Link to Chapter One.

The main things that I would like advice on are:

• Structure (especially where to cut the chapters, I think this is my biggest problem since I have simply been cutting every 1000-ish words to make the amount of writing feel manageable rather than thinking seriously about the flow of the story)
• Does it feel like a believable story/set of relationships? I'm not trying to write the kind of over-the-top kink 'epic' where you can't go to the bathroom or make a sandwich because your Master said so. I'm aiming for more of a soap opera where the characters just happen to be into BDSM - am I doing that?
  
• How to write a punchier introduction: my first chapter is by far my most poorly received and I'm guessing its because there isn't enough sex in it? Is there more to it than that?

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YES! You are destined to fail when you have an awful opening:

Mark's in a wonderful mood...

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I'm not saying you need a blockbuster openings all the time, but openings do set the tone for the rest of the story (both in the mind of the reader and the pace of the story). A good opening can have me spellbound despite how much I despise a character.

Everything he does, he does with a burst of energy, as if always on the edge of dancing. He whistles while he works at his computer and sings under his breath while he chops vegetables for dinner.

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Kinda creepy: try moderating this fascination by giving the character other things to do and think of. It sounds too insecure and pathetic. (subjective: unless you can sell me the insecurity as plausible - but even then submissives by nature are compliant not hopelessly insecure)

Yes, you do need some sexual intimacy in every story if you want to be rated. (unless you have a fanbase)

No, do not throw in instant sexual frenzies to get that intimacy in each story. Your story will have to be longer accommodate the build up to the sex.
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Structure (especially where to cut the chapters, I think this is my biggest problem since I have simply been cutting every 1000-ish words to make the amount of writing feel manageable rather than thinking seriously about the flow of the story)

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1,000 word chapters are far too short for a series. You currently have seven chapters posted and all of them combined might fill two Lit pages.

It's been my experience, as both a reader and author here, that two or three page chapters (7,500-10,000 words) seems to be the ideal to be able to not only grab and hold the reader's attention, but to also have them anxiously looking forward to the next installment.

So, yes, I would say the main thing you need to work on is structure. I think you will see a positive reaction in both views and scores.