Vanilla marriage -- stay or quit?

SMasterJack

Experienced
Joined
Aug 13, 2008
Posts
52
Hi there to the BDSM folks out there,

I am sure that this post will invite a lot of ridicule and unwelcome comments but I've decided to ask for advice from people who are or might have been in the same boat as me.

The thing is that I am unhappily married in a Vanilla marriage. Its been about an year and half of married life and I am sure I am not a vanilla person although my wife is one. There is a big mismatch between her and mine sexual needs -- she has a normal sex drive but only wishes to quench it through vanilla sex and that is as vanilla as you can get. She is satisfied with sex in a missionary position and has big trouble adjusting to even variations of the vanilla lovemaking paradigm and there isn't even a blowjob on offer. Me, on the other hand can't get off unless its something to do with the girl being a submissive, letting me fuck her face when I want. It has reached a point where I can't cum anymore during sex. However, with throatfucking or unconsensual consensual porn, I orgasm very well.

My marriage was based on the fact that at the time, I was a loser and caved in for something I knew I did not want. I have moved on to a much better place since then, gotten fit and now attending one of the top universities in the world. I am sure to start with a six figure salary in a couple of years and will be shortly in a position where I could get in the local BDSM scene which is quite happening.

Now the question is do I break off the marriage based on this mismatch of sexual interests? The girl in question is innocent and has quit her job to move with me to a new country and is very family and friends dependent kind of person, so she has left that support network behind as well. I would feel like a dick to ditch her. She tries hard to satisfy me sexually in a vanilla way which is not even close to what I want. I have tried to discuss this with her and introduce her to the BDSM world but the B of BDSM is scary enough for her.

So the choice that I see is that of living a sexually repressed life which is making me sick and depressed due to my exceedingly high sex drive and that of being a total dick and fucking up her life. She does not consent to an open marriage or sexual liberty and could even be in love with me genuinely. I will also get in trouble with the law, if she contests it with a false charge (her father being a big shot).

I am no longer able to concentrate on important things and the sexual repression is really overpowering the other aspects of my personality. Its like a Gay/Lesbian person married to the opposite gender.

Any advice?

Thanks for reading it and would appreciate your 2 cents.
 
Well.....

You've tried talking to her and you said she wasn't willing to compromise in the bedroom. So....

A. You made your bed. And now you have to lie in it. If you knew you wanted kinkier sex before you were married, you were willing at some point to put that side for this girl. Despite a change in circumstances, you're married. Set aside those kinks, focus on your relationship. Does strictly missionary really satisfy her? Maybe see if there's things you can do for her to make her happier and more willing to reciprocate?

Or....

B. Decide you made a mistake, own up to it, and leave her. Being true to yourself and your needs and being honest with her isn't being a dick.
 
For what it's worth, if you really think the marriage doesn't have enough redeeming features to make you happy, get out now - you're not doing her any favours by putting it off. ATM you're just making two people miserable - the sooner you finish it, the sooner both of you can (maybe) move on to be with people who really want you. If you can, front up the resources necessary to get her home again.

(Sorry, this was a bit blunt, but sometimes situations call for a bit of bluntness - it would take me thousands of words to say this in an empathic way ... and ultimately, I'm very much not in favour of people staying in unhappy marriages.)
 
If you're both aware of how incompatible you are and there's really no observable workarounds or alternatives then end it sharpish on amicable terms before it becomes a flaming wreckage with both of you unhappy.

Sorry for the doom-mongering but I can't point to any examples of others in your stated position keeping their relationship alive and functional without some form of agreement or compromise from both sides.
 
If you're both aware of how incompatible you are and there's really no observable workarounds or alternatives then end it sharpish on amicable terms before it becomes a flaming wreckage with both of you unhappy.

Sorry for the doom-mongering but I can't point to any examples of others in your stated position keeping their relationship alive and functional without some form of agreement or compromise from both sides.

Yeah, that ... and it's the case without the sexual incompatability too. I've watched many friends stay in unhappy marriages because of inertia, and/or fear of how awful it'll be when they break up ... so they end up numb for years, and it's still awful when they do break up, which eventually happens. So the awfulness of the break up is inevitable - what can be avoided is the years of numbness.
 
Based on your posting history I'd say you have an unrealistic idea of BDSM. Also, looks like you've known a long time what you're into and still married someone completely incompatible with you. Pay for her to get back to her family and end it, she'll be far better off that way.

I am sure to start with a six figure salary in a couple of years and will be shortly in a position where I could get in the local BDSM scene which is quite happening.

What does making six figures have to do with joining a local community?
 
Sorry, my sympathies are all with her. You joined lit eight years ago with a post looking for a sub who "might be beaten for not being able to make me cum or just because your tormentation makes me cum."

Now I know it's all fantasy but I am still confused as to how you ended up marrying this innocent girl who's left everything and everyone behind to be with you just a year and a half ago. I don't really understand the fear of the hot shot father in law, since I am assuming he's in another country...

I am also a bit confused as to who's paying the bills here, based on your first post you must be in your thirties now, if she quit her job to be with you and you are attending one of the world's best universities presumably somebody is paying to keep the two of you afloat unless you have been very lucky with savings / loans. I just wondered if the father in law was helping out, none of my business - I was just curious because it obviously affects the dynamic.

Sorry, I don't want to be judgy, I don't know you and it's easy to misunderstand things in these short messages. It sounds as though you settled for her when you thought you were a 'loser', and now things are looking up for you, you want something better. She deserves more than that. She deserves someone that will worship her, and who knows, with the right person, over time, she might begin to relax a little in the bedroom and lose some of her inhibitions.

Good luck to both of you, I hope you both find real happiness.

ps - I only skirt around the lighter edges of BDSM, so I may not know what I'm talking about, but once you have the degree, and the six figure salary and are looking to join the local BDSM scene, if you were thinking of placing an ad - I'd wouldn't reuse the one you placed on here. People more experienced than me in BDSM will probably tell me I'm wrong, and love your ad, so maybe ignore me....

pps - in my relationship, I was initially the far more vanilla party, missionary only, and even then it was reluctant and I didn't really enjoy it. I was abused as a kid, and I came into my first adult relationship with a lot of baggage. It took him more than a few years to start stitching me back together. I don't say that to encourage you to stay around, but because the idea that a girl like me, already full of insecurities and self-loathing, might have ended up with a man who fantasied about wanting to "hard slap you in the face for giving a wrong, even a right answer is what I enjoy." is frankly rather terrifying, maybe you can see why my sympathies lie with her...

Good luck, x
 
Your married... you have no reason for a divorce. You made the commitment so deal with it.

It might take 10 years, but your married. So you have the time.

Talk to her. Take it slow... introduce new things very slowly and make her comfortable. Your marriage is not just about you.
You agreed to say with her for life so man up and deal with it.

You income has no connection to who you marry.

In the same way she committed to you. Open the communication explain that your not happy and that you really need for her to work with you and find a common ground.
 
Your married... you have no reason for a divorce. You made the commitment so deal with it.

It might take 10 years, but your married. So you have the time.

Talk to her. Take it slow... introduce new things very slowly and make her comfortable. Your marriage is not just about you.
You agreed to say with her for life so man up and deal with it.

You income has no connection to who you marry.

In the same way she committed to you. Open the communication explain that your not happy and that you really need for her to work with you and find a common ground.

Divorce exists for this very situation. OP clearly stated he settled on her and didn't even really want to marry her. There's really no working with that. They can divorce now while they're both younger and can easily move on to more fulfilling relationships that are healthy for both of them. I don't think someone should "man up" and deal with it by forcing themselves to stay with someone that makes them unhappy and they in turn will probably make their partner unhappy.
 
The way I see it, there's three different approaches to this.
As others have said, it seems you took to BDSM years ago - one could argue this was all avoidable.

I'd say that since she made plenty of sacrifices to marry you, be with you then you owe her the chance to try and make it work, at least.
That said - and I'm not 100% sure here, but from how you've worded your post, it seems she's not even willing to try to give something a go, which one could argue is maybe being a little unfair - although by far the lesser of the two crimes.

The way I see it, the three approaches are -

Don't approach it. Carry on jerking off to hardcore porn and do what pleases her in the bedroom. Just accept this is your life from now on.
IMO this is by far the worst option - you as a person deserve to be happy, and I'm sure she only wants you to be happy - so it's unfair on both

The second option - walk away. Explain to her that while she's a great girl, you both have completely different needs in the bedroom - and ultimately any good relationship needs there to be SOME form of passion and enjoyment in bed - from both sides. You can walk away, offer to help her to get home. Tell her that you just don't see either being happy long term.

The third option is very much long-term, and would require a bit of selflessness on both sides.
Focus on the good points of the relationship. Make her feel loved and special, make her feel protected. Eventually, there is every chance she might decide to give it a go.
I'm heavily into BDSM, and I've always made it clear when I've got with a girl - although I've had some who have said "well I'm not really into that" in the most and we've still got together because they've been a lovely person - so overlooking the lack of BDSM wasn't a problem, but that's just me - however, I have had vanilla relationships where eventually my partner has basically decided that they trust me enough to give it a try.
You should do this for a partner anyway, but make her feel special, make her feel loved, make her feel protected and wanted. Because there is every chance that if she knows she's going to be safe and looked after, that she won't be taken advantage of - then there is every chance of her eventually saying "ya know what? Let's give it a try. I want to please you." Of course you'll need to be gentle and not force-fuck her throat and make her gag straight away - you'll have to build up to extreme levels very slowly. But if the other parts of your marriage are spot on, then there's a good chance it'll happen in the bedroom.



Whatever happens, I hope it works out as well as possible for you both.
 
Your married... you have no reason for a divorce. You made the commitment so deal with it.

There's no virtue in sticking with something that's just going to make both people miserable. If it can't be salvaged, better to break it off as kindly as possible and let her start building a new life. (In this case, sounds like the OP ought to help her with stuff like relocation expenses.)

If the OP can't adapt to vanilla, it doesn't seem any more likely that she's suddenly going to adapt to throatfucky BDSM.
 
Slightly off-topic ... but is it very common for people who are into this sort of thing to ONLY be able to get off in the context of, say, 'consensual non-consensual sex' or 'submissive throat-fucking'?

And more on-topic ... my concern here is really not the sexual preference mis-match (although obviously that is an issue if you can't find any other outlet for the BDSM stuff whilst married AND it's the only way you can get off), but rather the fact that you don't seem particularly fond of this woman. That's really why I think it's a better idea for you to finish the whole thing
 
Definitely quit.

Neither of you you need to have regrets 5, 10, 15 yes down the road when it finally fails.

My ex married me because he thought I was the best he could do... I stayed because I thought he was genuinely in love with me and didn't want to hurt him just because he was boring in the bedroom.

So wish I hadn't wasted 20 years of my life
 
It would appear to me that the majority here would like the relationship to end.
My i really ask a serious question, have you talked it over?
The truth is that what needs to be looked at is what is best for both of you and to get there you need communication. If sex is the only thing that matters in a relationship then you do need to give it up, and good luck finding the right other.
Relationships start and grow, if it becomes stagnant then there is no relationship.
 
I have a lot of opinions on what you have written but will just condense it down to this...you need to get divorced. She deserves more than someone who doesn't want her. She deserves more than being a placeholder until you make a "six figure salary" and can support yourself and get the lifestyle you want.

There is nothing worse than looking into the eyes of someone you love and seeing nothing but disappointment and discontent. Don't do that to her. Let her go so she can find someone who wants her just as she is. It would be the kindest thing you could do at this point.
 
@SMasterJack, if you need the help of anonymous strangers from the Internet to make this decision, even with all the relevant information readily at hand, then you are on the wrong path. You think making a six-figure income and getting fit is going to turn you into something other than the loser you admitted to being? Based on the evidence before me, I'm pretty sure you'd still be a loser on a ten-figure income unless you change your life. Step number 1 is to own up to your responsibility for marrying a woman whom you do not deserve and whose life you damaged over the course of your relationship. Accept responsibility, apologize for your mistake, and let her go. And pay her costs in the matter as restitution for fucking up her life.
 
@SMasterJack, if you need the help of anonymous strangers from the Internet to make this decision, even with all the relevant information readily at hand, then you are on the wrong path. You think making a six-figure income and getting fit is going to turn you into something other than the loser you admitted to being? Based on the evidence before me, I'm pretty sure you'd still be a loser on a ten-figure income unless you change your life. Step number 1 is to own up to your responsibility for marrying a woman whom you do not deserve and whose life you damaged over the course of your relationship. Accept responsibility, apologize for your mistake, and let her go. And pay her costs in the matter as restitution for fucking up her life.

What I wanted to say, only with much less snark. :rose:
 
I tend to try and see the best in all people, this includes the OP. A lot has been said, and I won't repeat that, but I did notice that nobody has mentioned professional marriage counseling. Only you can answer the question you asked us, because only you know the truth in your heart.

Life is so much more than the things you listed as seemingly important, and it appears that you have spent too little time on the important things. This is actually more worrisome than the split-up you asked about. Sadly, there is no way to go into that in this kind of format...but you're smart and hopefully you can understand what I'm trying to say.

Bottom line; You should at a minimum talk to a professional counselor about this. She/He may be able to help you help yourself, etc.
If thought important by the counselor, then bring the wife into your issues. (and please always try to remember that these are your problems, not hers. It was probably you who omitted your emotional dependency on kinks prior to marriage, not her.) At the end of all of this, if there is no solution then at least the counselor will be helpful in a less drama filled separation.

Best wishes to you both.
 
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Wow, just wow.

I'm not into the whole BDSM scene but it strikes me as something that you don't enter into lightly. It's also clear that this is the sort of lifestyle you have been more than interested in for getting on for ten years now given your posting history.

Yet for whatever reason you've married someone who doesn't share these interests, has seemingly (from your original post) moved countries and left all her friends and family behind but because your now "in a better place" you think that by posting in an Internet forum you will get some validation for casting her aside like yesterday's newspaper.

I hope she divorces you and you end up paying her half your guaranteed six figure salary for the rest of your life. Either that or your bollocks turn square and fester at the corners.

Oh and by the way it's not your God given right to get a blowjob whenever you fancy one. May I suggest you go back to your top 100 university and take the class "How not to be a massive cunt 101" - you might actually learn something.
 
Wow, just wow.

I'm not into the whole BDSM scene but it strikes me as something that you don't enter into lightly. It's also clear that this is the sort of lifestyle you have been more than interested in for getting on for ten years now given your posting history.

Yet for whatever reason you've married someone who doesn't share these interests, has seemingly (from your original post) moved countries and left all her friends and family behind but because your now "in a better place" you think that by posting in an Internet forum you will get some validation for casting her aside like yesterday's newspaper.

I hope she divorces you and you end up paying her half your guaranteed six figure salary for the rest of your life. Either that or your bollocks turn square and fester at the corners.

Oh and by the way it's not your God given right to get a blowjob whenever you fancy one. May I suggest you go back to your top 100 university and take the class "How not to be a massive cunt 101" - you might actually learn something.

*giggles*
 
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