First chapter of first story approved, Feedback please

Hello,

My first chapter of my ongoing story "My Mistress is My Wife" has been approved. If anyone who doesn't mind reading femdom type stories would review it, I'd appreciate it. I admit there is some errors in it that I did not catch, and that I'm a bit rusty as I haven't written anything for a few years. Chapter 2 has been submitted today, and in my opinion is a vast improvement to chapter 1. I appreciate any feedback you would be willing to give. Here is the link: https://www.literotica.com/s/my-mistress-is-my-wife

Thanks,
Still The New Guy

A bit of technical feedback: the "Is" in your title should be capitalized. All verbs in titles are capitalized.

Didn't even notice that, and I think I did it in chapter 2 also. Thanks!

I don't have time to go through the whole thing, just a few things from the start of the first chapter:

I rubbed and played with every inch of myself and wanted so badly to jerk off but I am a good pet as my Mistress calls me and I follow her every command.

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Needs punctuation. e.g.:

I rubbed and played with every inch of myself and wanted so badly to jerk off! But I am a "good pet", as my Mistress calls me, and I follow her every command.

I rubbed and played with every inch of myself and wanted so badly to jerk off, but I am a good pet (as my Mistress calls me) and I follow her every command.

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This is a long sentence with several things going on; punctuation helps the reader break it down and understand your meaning.

My wife has become amazingly skilled in a short time at doming me

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"domming", I think.

"Are you awake?" She asked as she sat down at the foot of the bed.

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Should be "she asked". If you had ' "Are you awake?" She sat at the foot of the bed' that would be two separate sentences. But the "she asked" attaches to the speech that came before it, so it's not the beginning of a sentence and doesn't get capitalised.

Review

Everything I'm about to say is just my opinion. It's worth a little less than you paid for it.

An interesting story. You need to improve on punctuation, but that has been touched on already.

There are some glaring word errors:

I had a bad case of morning wood, and had to pee very badly, My Mistress say my hard on poking out through my pink thong.

Say should be saw.

I liked the floor first, and my reward was her lifting her foot

Liked should be licked.

I liked and sucked her foot till she pulled it away and told me to stand up.

Again Liked should be licked.

I would suggest an editor or beta reader to help with the punctuation and word errors. As to the story, it seemed very mechanical to me. A LOT of exposition and not a lot of emotion. D/s is usually very emotional and I would have liked to have been given that.

Dialog needs to be improved. There is not enough dialog and what there is seems stilted. Let your characters out of the box. Let them talk.

Plot. Even porn needs a plot. Maybe not a great plot, but there has to be one. I didn't really figure out what the plot of this story was. It was almost like a short scene rather than a full story. I would have liked hearing the story that led to this moment. What you showed was an ending, not the whole story. In the second paragraph you say:

My wife and I have been married a little over a year and just recently discovered a whole lot of interesting stuff about our sex life and we were running with it.

I think the real story is this sentence. How did this happen? What brought you to this point. That is a story I would like to read.

If I have come across as too harsh, please forgive me. I hope you keep writing. Find an editor that will work with you on punctuation and word usage and one that won't bully you or put you down. You have a story teller in you and the stories you have are worth telling. With a little work, you can show the world an alternative to the PC boredom that infests the world today. Don't give up.

Hmm. I quite like femdom stuff but didn't find this very erotic. I think it's better if the stories are slower and more detailed - for example more description of putting the cage on, or what she did to make herself come. You have a lot of different things happening all crammed into one short one-page story.