How to be a Dominatrix if you're shy?

Hi, everyone. Well, here's what happened:

I was applying for jobs everywhere and not getting hired at any of them, so I turned to Craigslist looking for jobs. I answered an ad for a guy who wanted a personal dominatrix, enticed by the money he was offering, and "applied" to that job.

We did a phone interview and I pretended to be a dominant kind of person; I made my voice sound louder, faked confidence, etc. And then he hired me.

At first I was excited because I finally got some kind of job, but then I got nervous because I know I'm not really a naturally dominant person. I'm actually quite shy and timid and more submissive in person. And that will be a problem for somebody who's trying to be a dominatrix.

So, basically, I need some advice...how can I be less shy and timid about this? How can I exude the confidence and strength needed to be a convincing dominatrix if I'm naturally shy?

It's a lot easier to fake high confidence through emails and over the phone than it is to do it in person.

I need to learn sort of quick because we're meeting for the first time in just a few days.

Hey NightL, whine much?

You are the same person that sucessfully "faked it" over the phone.

In the meantime, your client is building up the upcoming experience in his mind. By now he he is likely fraught with anticipation. Having a rea, llive woman show up to act out his fantasies will have him on edge.

I'm sure you will be fine.

Hey NightL, whine much?

Stick to phone sex.

Haven't you ever seen The Craig's List Killer???

First off, make sure you prioritize safety. Do you have plans and contingency plans for being as safe as possible? Have you insisted on meeting for coffee in a public place first, so you can feel him out in person and check for red flags? Do you know how to act out his fantasies in safe ways?

Have you talked to your new submissive about what his interests and limits are? If so, can you give us some examples?

Also, what did you two agree upon WRT him touching you and sexual activities? Most professional Dommes don't allow sexual touching; if a sub happens to get off on acts like foot worship or cock & ball torture, fine, but the goal isn't to provide sexual satisfaction. Having a clear line will allow you to stay on the fantasy/professional service provider (vs. prostitution) side of the law. Make sure both of you agree on where the line is and what will happen if he crosses it.

In the meantime, start considering what you really like, how you can have an air of entitlement, and what would feel selfish to you for this job. For instance, if you enjoy having your feet massaged, you could allow your sub to do that for you (make it a reward if it's something he's really into). If you like seeing your partner's reactions, you might do that via sensation play (alternating hard and soft, warm and cold, pleasure and pain). How can you find an interest in his kinks, so you come across as authentic? Could having so much power over this guy be exciting and a confidence-booster for you?

I think Erika pretty well nailed it. There are lots of places where you can learn the art of domination, but doing it in a few days will be a challenge. Of course if you follow Erika's advice that will buy you lots of time. In the end, if it clearly isn't going to work you can let him know that while you'd love to take him on you don't feel it is a good match and it would be a waste of your valuable time and his money. You can bow out and save face and try something else. Good luck.

Haxansia said:

Hi, everyone. Well, here's what happened:

I was applying for jobs everywhere and not getting hired at any of them, so I turned to Craigslist looking for jobs. I answered an ad for a guy who wanted a personal dominatrix, enticed by the money he was offering, and "applied" to that job.

We did a phone interview and I pretended to be a dominant kind of person; I made my voice sound louder, faked confidence, etc. And then he hired me.

At first I was excited because I finally got some kind of job, but then I got nervous because I know I'm not really a naturally dominant person. I'm actually quite shy and timid and more submissive in person. And that will be a problem for somebody who's trying to be a dominatrix.

So, basically, I need some advice...how can I be less shy and timid about this? How can I exude the confidence and strength needed to be a convincing dominatrix if I'm naturally shy?

It's a lot easier to fake high confidence through emails and over the phone than it is to do it in person.

I need to learn sort of quick because we're meeting for the first time in just a few days.

Click to expand...

Please take the advice you have been given about your safety before meeting this person.

Some excellent advice here, especially on your personal safety, all of which you should follow.

Thinking back to your own situation, it's a lot easier to create a different personality in emails, forums, messages, etc than it is in person. How many people on here are really what they claim to be? I am always fascinated by the fact this is a sexually adventurous forum and yet, when you ask for advice on what people think of a particular sexually adventurous course of action, the response always seems to be "I would never do that" or even "You must never do that".

You can, of course, act the part. I am always fascinated to see well-known actors 'out of character'. They are nothing like the parts that they portray. I suspect that many professional doms and dommes are the same.

If you have good acting skills and can learn up the techniques of domination very quickly, you may get away with it. Good luck.

norfolklad said:

Thinking back to your own situation, it's a lot easier to create a different personality in emails, forums, messages, etc than it is in person. How many people on here are really what they claim to be? I am always fascinated by the fact this is a sexually adventurous forum and yet, when you ask for advice on what people think of a particular sexually adventurous course of action, the response always seems to be "I would never do that" or even "You must never do that".

Click to expand...

I think it heavily depends on where you hang out here. I've found most of the regulars of How To and BDSM to be very authentic (and I've verified that notion via meetings and phone conversations) and non-judgmental (although that doesn't mean they're in the business of validating actions that are legally or ethically wrong or unsafe). Most of these regulars subscribe to the 'your kink isn't my kink, but that's OK' philosophy, and may say they'd never do something, but will still give their best thoughts on how the OP can fulfill their desire in a safe, sane, consensual manner.

However, I haven't found that same authenticity and openmindedness in the regulars of some of the other forums. Certain forums seem to attract people who are all about using Lit to role play/fantasize/get off and some who are quite ignorant and/or judgmental. There are a lot of fantasizers on the Personals, Fetish, RP and AmPics forums. The GB has more than its fair share of alts, trolls and folks who make snap judgments on a variety of issues.

SweetErika said:

I think it heavily depends on where you hang out here. I've found most of the regulars of How To and BDSM to be very authentic (and I've verified that notion via meetings and phone conversations) and non-judgmental (although that doesn't mean they're in the business of validating actions that are legally or ethically wrong or unsafe). Most of these regulars subscribe to the 'your kink isn't my kink, but that's OK' philosophy, and may say they'd never do something, but will still give their best thoughts on how the OP can fulfill their desire in a safe, sane, consensual manner.

However, I haven't found that same authenticity and openmindedness in the regulars of some of the other forums. Certain forums seem to attract people who are all about using Lit to role play/fantasize/get off and some who are quite ignorant and/or judgmental. There are a lot of fantasizers on the Personals, Fetish, RP and AmPics forums. The GB has more than its fair share of alts, trolls and folks who make snap judgments on a variety of issues.

Click to expand...

Sorry, without wanting to drift OT, I should have made that clear. I totally agree with what you say. Yes, there is a difference between forums along the lines you mention. It's probably the case that How To and BDSM offer too many opportunities for the 'not who they seem to be' folk to trip themselves up so they keep away. I would add that, even on the other forums, I certainly wouldn't tar everyone with that brush - I've encountered a lot of genuine people there too - but it can sometimes be difficult to tell the difference. Which goes back to my point that it's easy to act out a different personality when there's no face2face contact.

Thank you all for the detailed answers. I've managed to postpone starting until Friday, so I have a little bit more time to practice and plan.

I have a male friend that's going to let me practice and rehearse with him. I figured it would be easier to build up confidence if I practiced with somebody I knew first.

I'm also going to take all of your advice, there was some good advice given in this thread!

Like I said stay safe and be careful.

Do you have a plan for your safety when you meet?

Debbie said:

Like I said stay safe and be careful.

Do you have a plan for your safety when you meet?

Click to expand...

Since we met online, I think the only safety I need at this point is to meet in a public place first to make sure he is who he says he is.

I say that because his phone number, email address, and pictures are all on my computer. I'll have an address soon, too.

It would be pretty silly for him to do anything to me since he left so many traces behind (his pictures can be identified, his IP address can be tracked, phone number can be traced by the police, etc.)...So I feel pretty safe at this point.

If you mean BDSM safety, I'm not going to do anything too unsafe (I refuse to cut him or anything like that).

Hey NightL, whine much?

Haxansia said:

Since we met online, I think the only safety I need at this point is to meet in a public place first to make sure he is who he says he is.

I say that because his phone number, email address, and pictures are all on my computer. I'll have an address soon, too.

It would be pretty silly for him to do anything to me since he left so many traces behind (his pictures can be identified, his IP address can be tracked, phone number can be traced by the police, etc.)...So I feel pretty safe at this point.

If you mean BDSM safety, I'm not going to do anything too unsafe (I refuse to cut him or anything like that).

Click to expand...

Does your friend have all this information, and do they know how long you expect to be with him for?

Can you get your friend to call you half an hour into the appointment so that they can check if you're alright?

Will you be taking your own transportation?

Can you set yourself up an appointment after your appointment with this guy? (So that you have an unalterable and natural 'end time' - 'gotta go, my dentist's expecting me!', and so that people will be expecting you somewhere after your appointment with him.)

Haxansia said:

Since we met online, I think the only safety I need at this point is to meet in a public place first to make sure he is who he says he is.

I say that because his phone number, email address, and pictures are all on my computer. I'll have an address soon, too.

It would be pretty silly for him to do anything to me since he left so many traces behind (his pictures can be identified, his IP address can be tracked, phone number can be traced by the police, etc.)...So I feel pretty safe at this point.

If you mean BDSM safety, I'm not going to do anything too unsafe (I refuse to cut him or anything like that).

Click to expand...

I hate to put a dampener on it but a phone number could be an easily-disposable PAYG phone, ditto email address, and the pictures could be of someone else entirely. He could be emailing you from anywhere with wifi so as not to use his home or work IP address.

Please be very, very careful.

Hey NightL, whine much?

I know phone numbers and ips can be faked, but pictures cannot be faked for long. If when we meet in public he is not the same person as the man in the pictures, and his name doesnt match his id, then i wont meet him anywhere private.

Given those facts, I dont think anymore caution is required. I have the most important info, a name and a face. If the name and face dont match the man i meet, its a no go.

I know everyone wants to panic when they hear that im meeting someone online, but imo meeting strangers in real life with no internet can be more dangerous. You could leave a bar with a stranger and if he paid cash, there is no record of him except maybe the grainy image picked up by the bar camera, if it even has cameras. At least with the internet you have a clear picture and info you can verify on his id once you meet.

And before anyone says it, yes, I am aware that ids can be faked too. But it is very hard to copy the holograms on a state id. And we will be meeting at a place where I know their security cameras work.

Like I said, what I am doing is actually safer than what a lot of other women do..

Hey NightL, whine much?

First, listen to everyone's safety advice. I agree with drinkz last post. Be safe. Also, I just wonder if one can really fake being a dominant. Sure some can switch, but you state you are more submissive. If I was paying for a domme, I'd want a domme! I'm curious to hear how it goes. Let us know.

I'd rather tell you to be overly cautious than read about your demise online.

I have no problem if you think is't ott. It's your life and your choice.

A BDSM friend suggested to me that it is wise to meet publicly, with a friend close by for your safety. They can txt you and you can have an excuse to leave or txt back you're ok. Check in times to call you or you them. You don't go anywhere with him and make things on your terms in safe environments.

Even if I don't know you I do care that you remain ok.

Anyone who is paying for a domme is probably expecting something a little more than what your average Craiglist ad attracts but if this his first time than the initial excitement of finding a domme may work in your favour as he will not pay enough attention to pick on whatever skills you may lack.

I'm glad you've decided against cutting him. Not everyone is turned on by the sight of their own blood; some like pain, some like the bruises, some like the threat of pain but not actual physical pain. Being a dom/domme is psychological where you need to anticipate your sub's needs before they realise it. You can only fake the theatrics of it.

I love that everyone is so worried about her, I'm more worried about the poor guy who's expecting a Dominatrix but getting a total fake. Poor guy