Humor Thread

Different Meanings

One night when I dropped in at the police station on my news beat, a large, efficient-looking woman in uniform who packed a service revolver at her waist was behind the sergeant’s desk. After checking the blotter, I returned to the car, where my wife was waiting for me.

"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She’s tremendous, and wearing a .38."

I didn’t notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."


Getting Rid of Something

The lawyer I work for specializes in divorce cases, so I was a little surprised to get a call from a prisoner serving life for murdering his wife. My boss was surprised too.

"What does he need me for?" he asked. "He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself."

These are actual examples of job search stupidity provided by a professional recruiter. Some of the specifics have been changed to protect the inept, but they're proof positive that the economy isn't solely to blame for today's horrendous employment statistics.

"If I could use one word to describe myself, it would be Team Player."

"My resume speaks for itself so I will not burden you with words."

"I have organized and conducted community service and missionary positions."

"I work an additional 10-15 minutes per week to perform administrative responsibilities promptly and accurately."

"I am interested in the Financial Analyst position. I currently work at Rusty's Camper Emporium as the parking attendant."

"I have attended Champions School of Real Estate, because I am a champion."

"I can think and act simultaneously under intense pressure."

"I am known and respected in New York City and surrounding area."

"Although my grades are not the highest, I possess the ability to grasp difficult concepts rather quickly most of the time."

"I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications and how I an be an asset to your company. Please contact me at booty@ifailmail.com anytime."

From and for our British friends

Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET Coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9 Volt battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.


A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

And finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore


Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh



What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

CUTE STUFF SAUCY! THANKS FOR POSETING ON THE HUMOR THREAD.
DG

Saucyminx said:

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore


Why did Tigger look in the toilet?

Because he was looking for Pooh



What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

Click to expand...

“What Is Couple Sex?”

All you Grandpas and Grandmas,

Some of you are reaching that stage where you
need to listen closely and keep the hearing aids tuned up.

What Is Couple Sex? An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was
working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's
old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her,
"Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a
couple secs.”

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

DG Hear said:

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Click to expand...

Have a good day, DG.

SweetMaj said:

Have a good day, DG.

Click to expand...

Love ya Sweet Maj
DG

Shampoo Warning! Don't wash your hair in the shower.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner, I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."

No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish Soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Handley_Page said:

...I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish Soap instead.

Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Click to expand...

Do you suppose that would help convince my wife that I'm not a fathead?

DG Hear said:

Love ya Sweet Maj
DG

Click to expand...

I love you too, DG.

Blond Men Jokes

Some could be blond women too, just saying!


A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------


Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take

them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------



A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------


A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------


A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------


A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------


A blond man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------


A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------


A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------


A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him

hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------


(This one actually makes sense.)
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers

always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

This might be a bit tricky for some

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales ...'

For years her husband would only make love to her at night, with the lights, in complete darkness. While he was a good lover, it bothered her that he wouldn't allow even a candle to be lit. Hoping some shock therapy could break him out of the habit, she brought a flashlight to bed. While in the middle of their lovemaking, she pulled the flashlight out and shined it on them. To her shock and surprise, she found her husband was fucking her while wearing a strap-on. "What the hell?" she asks. "How long has this been going on?"

Her husband explains about the accident he had as a young man that left him unable to achieve an erection, how it's always been this way and he was very sorry for deceiving her. "Now then," he asked after his apology. "Care to explain why we have two kids?"

A Indian walks up to the door of a whore house. the man at the door stops him

"Hold it there Sitting Bull. Now this is a top quality house. Two get with the women here you have to have two things. Money..."

'Me got um money." he starts to walk in again. but the man stops him.

"and experience."

the Indian stops and looks confused.

"But me come um here to get experience."

"nope doesn't work that way. You have to be experienced with women or it's no go. Now get."

The Indian walks away all depressed. A drunk cowboy at the saloon see him.

"Why the long face there ...Jeronimo?" he asks slurred

"Me want um Woman but me no got um experience." say the Indian sadly.

The drunk cowboy laughs.

"Hell that's easy to fix. You see them trees down yonder. You go down there and find you one with a knot hole. You stick your pecker in it and get you all the experience you need."

Not seeing the cowboy laughing at him the Indian runs off down to the trees.

The next day when the Indian shows back up at the whore house the bouncer tries to stop him again.

"Now I done told you..." he begins.

"But me got um experience. Me got um money and experience."

The bouncer looks at him kind of skeptical but then shrugs. Okay why not.

'Okay go up to room one, at the top of the stairs."

At the top of the stairs the Indian opens the door to a beautiful half naked blond woman. He steps into the room and she looks up. She looks him over for a second, then shrugs.

"Okay there Cochise how you want it?" she ask getting up from the chair.

He nods to the bed.

"Bend over."

She shrugs again and drops her nightgown to the floor. Walking over to the bed she bends over.

The Indian reaching into his coat and pulls out a two by four and with a huge swing smacks her across the ass as hard as he can!

yelling in pain she goes flying across the bed and comes up screaming!

The bouncer comes running into the room and sees the girl with the huge whelp on her ass.

"What the hell are you doing?" he yells at the Indian.

"Me check um for Bees."

Sent to me by a friend, great shit.

BRILLIANT


TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready to take on China !


Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...



Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


And you do, don't you!

DG Hear said:

BRILLIANT


TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you will understand"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And only then will you be ready to take on China !


Believe me... you WILL understand!!!

Here goes...


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you
as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ...



Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."

Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: " .......What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry..
Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?...
Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying
'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy.. tea... meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken,
Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I did say "By the time you read through this...
.. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'


And you do, don't you!

Click to expand...

Yes I do, DG.

Thank you very much!

I was out walking my puppy one day, when he accidentally fell into the frigid water.
Without hesitation, a German tourist jumped into the freezing water and saved my precious little dog.
Back on the bridge, he checked my puppy out and told me: "Ze dog is ok. he vill be fine."
Due to his selfless heroic act, I asked, "Are you a vet?"
He replied: "Vet?! i'm vucking zoaked!"


Kinda brings tears to your eyes, don't it..

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, "Did you have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old timer, "I had the most riders ever, five."

The third, "I had seven riders, the same as last time."

And the last said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders."

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had overheard the conversation, went to the pro and asked, "I’ve been playing golf a long time and I thought I knew all the terminology, but what the heck is a rider?"

The pro responded, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the cart and ride to it!"

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee." she said.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole." she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

I'm sensing a theme so. . .

A young man is out playing golf one day when he takes a high speed ball directly to the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my new wife is a virgin in every way."

The doctor thinks a minute and says, "Well, I'll have to put your penis in a splint to keep it straight, and help it heal, but you should be fine by next week." So the doctor takes 4 tongue depressors, forms a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wires it all up; quite the impressive work of art.

The young man mentions none of this to his fiancee, the wedding goes ahead, and on his honeymoon night in the hotel suite, his new wife shyly opens her blouse to reveal the most amazing pair of breasts. Believe it or not, this was the first time even her new husband had seen them.

She said, "You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before."

In response, he pulls down his pants and says, "Well look at this! It's still in the crate."

The Pervert phone call

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

I was at a club with my wife when a beautiful woman came over and said,
"Do you want to come to the toilets with me and have some wild sex?"

I said, "Oh, this is awkward... Will you just leave us alone?"

She said, "Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were married."

I said, "I wasn't talking to you."