Humor Thread

The Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation
Has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible
Lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
And do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to
Stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and
Admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart
You will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all
Was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
Rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she
Spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said
You were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends
That you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation
Roared.

This joke is probably on this thread already, but it's a good one:


Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service
audit accompanied by his CPA & his attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said,
"Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much
higher level than your reported employment income.
How do you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I
love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving
look.

“I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way!
It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The
official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he
took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and
bit his good eye. The stunned official was now
three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll
bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
your desk and use that wastebasket by the door over
there as a urinal, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but
there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so
he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the
wastebasket completely, and pretty much soaked the
desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge
loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that
Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly
shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we
arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd
piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

thebullet said:

This joke is probably on this thread already, but it's a good one:


Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service
audit accompanied by his CPA & his attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said,
"Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much
higher level than your reported employment income.
How do you explain that?

Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I
love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving
look.

“I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way!
It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The
official's jaw dropped.

Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he
took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and
bit his good eye. The stunned official was now
three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll
bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on
your desk and use that wastebasket by the door over
there as a urinal, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but
there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so
he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the
wastebasket completely, and pretty much soaked the
desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge
loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that
Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly
shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we
arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd
piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Click to expand...

It may have but son;t worry about it. Its a funny joke and funny jokes always come around again and again.

Income Tax Filing Strategy

To: Internal Revenue Service, Department of the Treasury Washington, DC 20001

Enclosed is my 2003 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats.

Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00.

Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $22.00, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040.

It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year, and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.

Sincerely,
Another satisfied taxpayer

Tax Humor

Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.

Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer.

There was a time when $200.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax.

There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.

If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.

Capital Punishment: Congress comes up with a new tax.

Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.

The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts.

If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes?

Congress thinks it's alot easier to trim the taxpayers than expenses.

Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.

The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need.

Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order.

The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

The wealth of experience is one possession that hasn't been taxed . . . .yet.

A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

This country is as free today as it ever was. . . unless, of course, you happen to be a taxpayer.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.

Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms.

President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government. Now the government would like everbody to do it.

Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the taxroll.

A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it.

The honeymoon is over when the bride begins to feel like she was never anything but a tax deduction to him.

Don't you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?

Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

The income tax forms have been simplified beyond all understanding.

It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn too much to avoid paying taxes and make too little to afford paying them.

It's strange how a person with no sense of humor can come up with such funny answers on his/her tax return.

When making out your tax return, it's better to give than to deceive.

I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me.

When it comes to income tax, most of us would be willing to pay as we go if we could only catch up on where we've been.

An income tax return is like a girdle. If you put the wrong figure in it your are likely to get pinched.

Income tax is Uncle Sam's version of "Truth or Consequences."

After a man pays his income tax, he knows how a cow feels after she's been milked.

The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1)

How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.



It is generally agreed that the income tax is the government's idea of instant poverty.

Death and Taxes

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."

Wouldn't be allowed as a Literotica story

Love-Struck Kangaroo Hunts Aussie Women
3 hours 21 mins ago

© Sky News 2010 A frisky kangaroo has caused mayhem after stalking women in an area known as the Honeymoon Ranges in northern Australia.

Female residents in the isolated town of ******t Creek in the Northern Territory have complained that the animal has been lurking and making its intentions vey clear.

The Northern Territory News, which more often makes headlines by reporting on the sexual antics of its human population, gave the problem front page attention under the headline "Horny Roo Stalks NT Women".

It quoted one witness saying: "I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps.

"It seemed a bit odd, but I continued walking and didn't think much about it. Then on the return walk he was there waiting for me," she said.

"He started circling me. There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing - it was a huge kangaroo and quite intimidating."

Male red kangaroos can grow over six feet tall and weigh 200 pounds, and can cause serious injury or death if they attack.

The kangaroo was described by the newspaper as a "jolly jumper", and made his amorous intentions clear.

She added: "I yelled at him to go away, waved my hands about and let him know I wasn't interested, but he was persistent - I'll give him that."

It also bounded into a local speedway race meeting in the town, which is located about 500 miles south of Darwin.

Tanya Wilson said: "I thought it was strange that a kangaroo would come to such a noisy place, but I grew up around kangaroos so I went up to say hello.

"There I was having a nice chat to him when I heard others calling out to me, warning me to step away," the mum-of-three said.

She added: "I didn't take any notice of them because I didn't think I had anything to worry about - I thought he was just a cute, friendly kangaroo."

But other speedway fans could tell what the roo wanted and the newspaper reported that one man tried to intervene and was punched in the face by the animal before it hopped off.

Horny Elk...?!?!?!? Why someone would do this is beyond me!

Had it before but it's still funny. Never be afraid to post new or old jokes here. We always receive new readers.
DG.

Coincidence

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Golden Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the
town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper
reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to
our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's
mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and
my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a
third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the
beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to
me and quietly said...that's once."

Husband talking to his wife about their kid:

- He needs to go to school...

- Hm... then we need to buy books, pencils, school uniform, etc... No, it is too expansive

- Ok, let him play piano and become an artist...

- Hm... then we need to buy piano, pay his studies, etc... No, it is too expansive

- Then... let him be a football player?

- Hm... need to buy boots, ball, etc... Still too expansive... And who's idea was it to have a baby?

- You said - why we need to buy those condoms too expansive....

Practicing

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Restroom Graffiti

'Remember the alum, Moe.'

'Hooray, hooray
It's the first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today'.

(Over a urinal)
'What are you looking at?
The joke's in your hand'.

'First I was here and you wasn't
now you is here and I isn't'.

(Takeoffs on Caesar's 'Veni, Vici, Vidi...I came, I saw, I conquered)

'Veni, Veni, Veni!' (in a Ladies room)

Veni, Vidi, wiwi

Vici, Vidi, Veni

'All hail Priapus!'

'Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.'

'Acquit Socrates.'

'Help stamp out reality.'

'Don't be a star, use both hands.' (over a urinal)

'Chaste makes waste.'

'Don't write on walls!'
(underneath)
'How about if we type?'

Bob Nickman Joke

Caught my last girlfriend cheating on me. She was at a Sizzler, laying in the all-you-can-eat salad bar.


Anthony Griffith Joke

Now they handout condoms to inmates in prison, which I fail to understand. Maybe I'm na ve, but I don't think an inmate trying to make love to me would be that concerned about safe sex. I can't picture someone on top of me going, 'Don't worry, brother -- I'm wearing a condom.'


Wayne Federman: Last Person Picked

It seems like I was always the last person picked for a sporting event. I don't know why that happened. It was so unfair. They take the two most popular kids; they get to be captains. We're in the third grade -- they're already getting laid.

Largest Dead Snake ever.

Foreseen Death

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the
year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not
only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he
was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

OK I know it's out of season but I still thought it was funny.
DG



Seasons Greetings

Moneys short times are hard so here's your fuckin christmas card.
Twas the night before christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whore house dad smokin grass i just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn i heard such a clatter i arose from my piece to see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn i saw a big dick i knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell i knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzles and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He went up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.
As he drove out of sight he said piss on you all and have a hell of a night!!

CPR is a good thing to know!

How do you make a pool table laugh?
Put your hand down its pocket and tickle its balls!


The Offspring

A birch and a beech tree grow up side by side in the forest. One day, a sapling grows between them, and each swears that it's not their son.

The beech thinks it's a son-of-a-birch, and the birch thinks it's a son-of-a-beech. To settle it, they enlist the help of a woodpecker, who checks it out.

"You are both wrong," he says when he comes back up. "That's the best piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in."

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Remember, Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

- - - and as someone recently said to me: "Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last long."

Red Bull to the max!

Higher Power