the dating game-bdsm style

the captians wench

sewing wench
Joined
Jun 16, 2005
Posts
12,258
Okay there have been a lot of threads on dating lately and well my questions don't seem to fit into any of those *giggles*

To be quite honest I haven't really dated around much. I seem to be one of those people that's in a relationship after one date. But right now I kind of feel like I'm on one of those dating game shows. I'm either being interrogated or I'm asked what I would like to know about that person. Problem is, I have no clue what I need to know, let along what I'd like to know. I guess I kind of take people at face value.


So help me out here. What questions do you have for batchlor #1?

Also, because of the dating thread started by tiger, I'm curious, when do you break out with the kink questions?
 
1. are you married? Nice to know up front so you can enact your decisions thus, one variety of adulterer will tell you right away and the truly reprehensible will save that tidbit for later.

2. If yes, but not at present, how many times? I personally bail if more than 1, and I definitely bail if the topic of what a rag the ex is comes up early on. It takes 2 to fuck up and I don't want to be another blind spot to someone's own faults.

3. do they come with attachments and how do you feel about those attachments (kids, pets, ex gf's, poly sig others, are they "in recovery" at present?)

4. What do they like to do? Are their interests cool or are the majority of things they like totally annoying to you.

I also pay close attention to things like drinking habits, money habits, how they treat waitstaff...stuff like that.
 
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Netzach said:
1. are you married? Nice to know up front so you can enact your decisions thus, one variety of adulterer will tell you right away and the truly reprehensible will save that tidbit for later.

2. If yes, but not at present, how many times? I personally bail if more than 1, and I definitely bail if the topic of what a rag the ex is comes up early on. It takes 2 to fuck up and I don't want to be another blind spot to someone's own faults.

3. do they come with attachments and how do you feel about those attachments (kids, pets, ex gf's, poly sig others, are they "in recovery" at present?)

4. What do they like to do? Are their interests cool or are the majority of things they like totally annoying to you.

I also pay close attention to things like drinking habits, money habits, how they treat waitstaff...stuff like that.

1. Totally single

2. haven't asked if he's ever been married...doesn't seem likely, but then you wouldn't suspect I have been either

3. one dalmation

4. very compatible interests


See I think that's the real problem with me. I'm more of an observer than a question asker. But so far this is im conversations and not a face to face yet. I like to watch the person, how they react to things and people and such which you just can't do over yahoo. So it's the question and answer portion of the game for now.
 
I like 1-4, and would add:


5. Where do you work? Do you like your job? What do you do?

You can tell a whole hell of a lot about a person from their responses on the subject of employment. For example, Wench, from what I've read from you I'd say you are hardworking, reliable, responsible, and self-sufficient - all big positives in my book.


6. What did you think about X story in yesterday's paper?

"X" = a story touching on a political or moral issue about which you feel very strongly. I am NOT suggesting that you start a debate with the guy if you disagree with his point of view, but I do think it's helpful to get some sense of ethical compatibility early on in your relationship.


the captians wench said:
I'm curious, when do you break out with the kink questions?
I don't. I just let things progress and deal with any questions she has along the way.

But mine is fundamentally a Top-side approach, and I don't think it applies to you.
 
JMohegan said:
I like 1-4, and would add:


5. Where do you work? Do you like your job? What do you do?

You can tell a whole hell of a lot about a person from their responses on the subject of employment. For example, Wench, from what I've read from you I'd say you are hardworking, reliable, responsible, and self-sufficient - all big positives in my book.


6. What did you think about X story in yesterday's paper?

"X" = a story touching on a political or moral issue about which you feel very strongly. I am NOT suggesting that you start a debate with the guy if you disagree with his point of view, but I do think it's helpful to get some sense of ethical compatibility early on in your relationship.


I don't. I just let things progress and deal with any questions she has along the way.

But mine is fundamentally a Top-side approach, and I don't think it applies to you.

I guess I'm not doing as badly as I thought. :eek: I do know what he does, tho I didn't ask if he enjoys it. He seemed to brush it off like it was nothing special or even to the point where he feels like he gets looked down on for it. Sort of like me when I tell people I work at mcdonald's, it's usually followed by "oh well are you going to school too then?" or "but do you really want to work there for ever?" Eventually you start to wonder if it really is a good thing you are proud of what you do.

I tend to stay away from direct political issues, but I never thought of broaching the subject that way, I do like it. Of course that means I'd actually have to read the paper. :rolleyes: But it would be helpful in preventing another incident like with "master asshole" who demanded I comprimise my morals and since of right and wrong with ever breath I took.

You see this is the funny part. Usually it totally pisses me off when a conversation goes to kink and sexual compatibilty too quickly. With this person we have now had 3 lenghty conversations and nothing kinky or sexual has come up yet. This one makes me all the more interested, and two frusterates me because now I want to bring up the subject but I'm afraid that if I do then it will turn things on that path and I'm really enjoying being taken as me the whole package rather than me the cock sucking pain slut.
 
So far you've had 3 IM conversations? Is he local? Why don't you meet for coffee?

What are you looking for right now?
 
intothewoods said:
So far you've had 3 IM conversations? Is he local? Why don't you meet for coffee?

What are you looking for right now?

fairly local, about a 45 min drive.

We're talking about it, but with me working 55-60 hours a week on what ever shift they fucking want me, it's hard to coordinate schedules.

I haven't a clue. I wasn't looking for anything period when I stumbled upon this. But I like what ever "this" is.

Oh ask him! :eek: yeah, that one is on my list, but I wanted to figure out where I want things to go before I ask that. Seems like a bit of a leading question.
 
Netzach said:
<snip>

I also pay close attention to things like <snip> how they treat waitstaff...stuff like that.
This one thing tells me more about someone else than anything they might tell me. How you treat people who are in service to you is a measure of your humanity and your maturity. Anyone who is dismissive of waitstaff, who tips cheaply, or who orders waitstaff around like slaves drops off my list of potential partners like an anchor without a chain.

I also agree with the rest of Netz's questions but this one stood out to me as getting to the core of the person in a flash.

CW, I also think that you can draw similar conclusions about people based on how they respond to the fact that you work for McDonalds. Sure, it's not haute cuisine but what you do is very, very important. Those who manage and lead others well and who do it with their hearts and minds in the right place are far too few in American business. And I sense from your posts that you are a lead-by-example-of-hard-work manager and not a dismissive, do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do kind of manager. Someone who would judge you on the basis of your employer rather than on the way in which you commit yourself to your job and your colleagues is too shallow for such a good person as you.
 
the captians wench said:
fairly local, about a 45 min drive.

We're talking about it, but with me working 55-60 hours a week on what ever shift they fucking want me, it's hard to coordinate schedules.

I haven't a clue. I wasn't looking for anything period when I stumbled upon this. But I like what ever "this" is.

Oh ask him! :eek: yeah, that one is on my list, but I wanted to figure out where I want things to go before I ask that. Seems like a bit of a leading question.

No, you got me right the first time. I was asking you, wench, what you are looking for. Since you've asked the basic safety questions and all, I would just relax and enjoy the conversations. See where things go. :)
 
midwestyankee said:
This one thing tells me more about someone else than anything they might tell me. How you treat people who are in service to you is a measure of your humanity and your maturity. Anyone who is dismissive of waitstaff, who tips cheaply, or who orders waitstaff around like slaves drops off my list of potential partners like an anchor without a chain.

I also agree with the rest of Netz's questions but this one stood out to me as getting to the core of the person in a flash.

CW, I also think that you can draw similar conclusions about people based on how they respond to the fact that you work for McDonalds. Sure, it's not haute cuisine but what you do is very, very important. Those who manage and lead others well and who do it with their hearts and minds in the right place are far too few in American business. And I sense from your posts that you are a lead-by-example-of-hard-work manager and not a dismissive, do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do kind of manager. Someone who would judge you on the basis of your employer rather than on the way in which you commit yourself to your job and your colleagues is too shallow for such a good person as you.

:eek: :eek: :eek:

People who dismiss what I do because I work for Mcyd's don't usually stay in my company for long. I tend to ask, "so how many times have you stopped at a restauant in the past week?" They don't think about the fact that if some one didn't do my job, then they wouldn't have had a place to get that coffee on their way from one meeting to the next.

Interactions with waitstaff has always been something I watch. One because I'm in the industry, but two comes in especially in "interviewing" a potential dom/top. This person is in service to them, as I might be whether with in a relationship or with in a scene. If I don't like how they treat that waitress, I'm probably not going to like how they treat me. The way you treat one servant tends to translate to the way you treat another.
 
intothewoods said:
No, you got me right the first time. I was asking you, wench, what you are looking for. Since you've asked the basic safety questions and all, I would just relax and enjoy the conversations. See where things go. :)

Yup all safty measures in place. My core and my mom all know what's going on and once plans are made they will be given details and safecall instructions will be issued. And if I'm too iffy, I can bring my safty net with me, but I don't think I'll need her this time. :eek:
 
Batcholor #1, what kind of dynamic are you looking for and what kinds have you done in the past?

Just thought of this one and I want to get it down before I forget it. But it just accured to me while I was musing on one of our conversations. His last girl he refurs to as his last "pet" (and he uses quotes every time he refurs to her so this is something I want to address as well), but then he also mentioned a former slave (see no quotes...interesting).

I identify myself as a pet at this point. I enjoy that dynamic most as compaired to the submissive and slave positions I have been in, of course that could also have a lot to do with the person that was on the other side of those equations. I might eventually move back into full service slave, but right now I really enjoy the light heartedness of pet and sir. But the expectations and preferences of the dynamic he would enjoy most would need to be compatible to mine, even for short term play but especially for something longer term.
 
The first round of questions has been completed (for the most part). On to Round two: The Meeting

So, where to meet?

Some place public is a given. And i like to meet on ground that I'm familure with. It gives me a since of security which is ecential since I'm terribly shy to begin with. And he's willing {not just willing he offered upfront to come see me} to drive all the way to me (another big plus).

I'm really not a coffee drinker, and he's not much of one either.

Restauraunts are a little hard to talk in some times.

I sort of like the idea of seeing a movie, we're both movie buffs, but that doesn't alot for any talking.

There's a mall close to me that has a theater and some eats, lots of room to just walk or sit and talk. That's an idea.

Then I also thought maybe since we're such ren geeks he might like to see the pirate exibit at the musiem with me. Okay I admit I've been trying to get some one to go with me for ever, but sounds like he'd enjoy it too.

So, where do you meet potentials?
 
The mall in December sounds ghastly.

I really like the pirate exhibit idea. If things go well, maybe find a nice place for hot chocolate after.
 
JMohegan said:
The mall in December sounds ghastly.

I really like the pirate exhibit idea. If things go well, maybe find a nice place for hot chocolate after.


I would worry more about the mall at christmas time if it weren't this mall. It's in a bad location, smack in the middle of two other major ones, so it's completely dead. Can't hold business at all. But you're right, for this time of year it is a bit...meh

And seeing the pirate exibit does give me a good excuse to wear my corset. :cathappy:
 
Netzach said:
I also pay close attention to things like drinking habits, money habits, how they treat waitstaff...stuff like that.

Along this line, my father taught me to play pool when I was young. I am in fact a good player. I hustled my way thorough college playing pool. In any event, his dating advice to me was to pay close attention to how a man handled winning or losing a game of pool. He said that men could remain very controlled in most situations, but when placed in a competitive arena they would lose some of the inhibition.

He was right. I find out a lot by just watching a man win or lose 'something'.
 
Caitlynne said:
Along this line, my father taught me to play pool when I was young. I am in fact a good player. I hustled my way thorough college playing pool. In any event, his dating advice to me was to pay close attention to how a man handled winning or losing a game of pool. He said that men could remain very controlled in most situations, but when placed in a competitive arena they would lose some of the inhibition.

He was right. I find out a lot by just watching a man win or lose 'something'.
This is outstanding advice.
 
Caitlynne said:
Along this line, my father taught me to play pool when I was young. I am in fact a good player. I hustled my way thorough college playing pool. In any event, his dating advice to me was to pay close attention to how a man handled winning or losing a game of pool. He said that men could remain very controlled in most situations, but when placed in a competitive arena they would lose some of the inhibition.

He was right. I find out a lot by just watching a man win or lose 'something'.

Actually, that's another reason I was thinking about the mall, arcades.

I love video games, but i'm terrible at them. But I love dansu (dance dance revolution, you know that game where you have to "dance" in the right steps), again, I suck at it, but I have a blast doing it, and it's a lot of fun to watch people who have never done it before. There are usually a few different types, those who get pissed and just quit and call it stupid, and then there are the ones who can laugh it off and sometimes get totally goofy with it, then there are the ones who really stick with it and try to finish it as best they can. I have a heart putter every time I see a goof ball able to laugh at himself.
 
If it were me, I would still be thinking cautiously about where to meet. Better safe than sorry. I wouldn't go to a movie. It's dark. He could do bad things to you and then run away. Stop thinking you would like that, wenchie, I mean really bad things! No seriously! :p

I think the pirate exhibit sounds fine, as do any of the other very public options. The movie idea just creeps me out a little.

I met Mister Man for a drink at a fancy bar in the afternoon. I normally would have said coffee, but I really wanted a particularly yummy drink they had there. Ordinarily I would not meet someone for the first time and drink (!) but it was mostly juice anyway. Anyway. I got all sorts of info on him, and then had the safe call, etc. The usual safety precautions.
 
intothewoods said:
If it were me, I would still be thinking cautiously about where to meet. Better safe than sorry. I wouldn't go to a movie. It's dark. He could do bad things to you and then run away. Stop thinking you would like that, wenchie, I mean really bad things! No seriously! :p

I think the pirate exhibit sounds fine, as do any of the other very public options. The movie idea just creeps me out a little.

I met Mister Man for a drink at a fancy bar in the afternoon. I normally would have said coffee, but I really wanted a particularly yummy drink they had there. Ordinarily I would not meet someone for the first time and drink (!) but it was mostly juice anyway. Anyway. I got all sorts of info on him, and then had the safe call, etc. The usual safety precautions.

My mom has a list of things she has to know before I'm "allowd" to meet some one. I email them to her.

Full name
phone number
screen name
discription or pic if possible
where I am meeting
what time
and what car he drives

I also call her right before I leave, and then set up a time to call her again to check in. Some times she'll call me before our check in point. I'll also be passing the info to my core and I'm sure they will check up on me too. So those bases are covered.
 
the captians wench said:
My mom has a list of things she has to know before I'm "allowd" to meet some one. I email them to her.

Full name
phone number
screen name
discription or pic if possible
where I am meeting
what time
and what car he drives

I also call her right before I leave, and then set up a time to call her again to check in. Some times she'll call me before our check in point. I'll also be passing the info to my core and I'm sure they will check up on me too. So those bases are covered.

Cool! Also, what is a core?
 
Think you have all the bases covered but another good tip is to have a 'worst case scenario' code. For example, you agree with your Mum that if she calls and you say 'no problemo' she knows that it's code for 'the shit's hit the fan and I'm saying this under duress.' She then knows to send in the cavalry with the guy being none the wiser.

Not that I'm wishing bad luck on you or anything. Really hope it goes well.
 
how do you subtly find out about their sexual preferences without abruptly asking "so do you like to eat pussy?" :rose:
 
smoothbikini said:
how do you subtly find out about their sexual preferences without abruptly asking "so do you like to eat pussy?" :rose:

This is why I ended up looking for a partner here. It's just not the done thing to chat to someone for ages, meet up with them, get on really well, wander around hand in hand and at the end of the night look deep into his eyes and say...

"I had a wonderful time darling, would you care to flog me while you fuck my arse?"

Definitely a tricky one. :rolleyes:
 
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