New author seeking feedback

Hi, I just started writing erotica a month ago and posting here. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I've always loved writing, just never tried to do this genre before.

Anyway, I'd love some feedback. I had a lot of really angry bitter old men start trashing me in the comments section, and a user told me that the loving wives category is full of angry women-hating guys who got cheated on and just lash out at every writer in this category. Anyone familiar with this war that's going on in LW?

Here's a link to my stories. I've written four so far, about one per week. I'd appreciate it if you would read the first one at least and give some feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3076765&page=submissions

I generally don't read LW stories and I write them, BUT I have read plenty about it in various forum threads.

LW is considered a shark tank. There is no way you will please everyone, or sometimes anyone, even if you include an actual loving wife.

If a woman sleeps with another man who is not her husband/partner, then it's all over. It doesn't matter if it's his idea, her idea, consensual, or an open relationship by mutual consent; doesn't matter if he exacts exquisite revenge, or if she repents in sackcloth and ashes and he forgives her, or if she repents and he doesn't forgive her.

Some authors here write stories purposely to stir up the LW readers. Not my idea of a good time, but more power to them.

Sorry I can't say much about your stories. I clicked on the first one and the first couple of paragraphs left me flat. I'm likely too rational about it all in the sense that if someone was not treating me well in a relationship, I would first talk to them, and if that didn't result in changes, I'd leave.

So right off the bat you're hitting all he likely sore spots with the LW hate-readership. Woman has boyfriend, woman *decides* to step out on boyfriend. Going by the tag lines, it looks like she tells him, he likes it, and then it continues -- oh boy.

If you're going to post such stories, and there's no reason you shouldn't, you will either have to deal with the comments, or take steps not to, such as not allowing anonymous feedback or not allowing comments at all. So... good luck.

Silkess said:

Hi, I just started writing erotica a month ago and posting here. It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I've always loved writing, just never tried to do this genre before.

Anyway, I'd love some feedback. I had a lot of really angry bitter old men start trashing me in the comments section, and a user told me that the loving wives category is full of angry women-hating guys who got cheated on and just lash out at every writer in this category. Anyone familiar with this war that's going on in LW?

Here's a link to my stories. I've written four so far, about one per week. I'd appreciate it if you would read the first one at least and give some feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3076765&page=submissions

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I've written several LW stories. There are two camps in LW "Burn The Bitch" and "Reconcile At All Costs" These two groups will never be satisfied with the same story so no matter what kind of story you write one of the two groups will jump on you. So my advice is to keep writing, read the comments and take anything useful you can from them and laugh at the rest. Usually if the comment is hateful, it is also practically illiterate and a hoot to laugh at.

Now on to your story. I'm giving feedback on "I'm Loving It ch. 1"

The plot line was good. Nothing really grabbed me at the first of the story and at the risk of sounding like a broken record lately, I think the issue was you spent too much time telling and not showing. Let's look at your first paragraph:

When I decided to step outside of my relationship, I wasn't feeling appreciated by my boyfriend. He has an aggressive temper, and he spent more time watching porn and video games than showing me attention. He'd get irritable with me over small things, like leaving a McDonald's wrapper in his truck by accident, and despite ten months together, it felt like things were becoming tenser.

You start off by telling the reader you decided to cheat. You tell us you weren't feeling appreciated by your boyfriend. Then you tell us that he has an aggressive temper and spent too much time on porn. Then you tell us he would get irritable over small things and then you tell us it felt like things were getting tenser. Whew! That's a lot of telling in the first paragraph.

I would have been brought into the story if you had started it by showing me this stuff. You couldn't have done it in a single paragraph, but you could have still started out the story by showing us all of this. Maybe start it in your boyfriends pickup. You are trying to make conversation with him and he's being a typical man and only giving you grunts for replies. You fish for a compliment and instead he suggests you visit a gym once in a while. When you get out you leave a McDonald's wrapper and he goes ballistic, stomps into the house, flips on a porn movie, or brings up a porn video on his computer and ignores you. Don't tell us this all happened, let us see it happen. Include lots of description, dialog, sights, sounds, smells, touches, everything. Build us a scene and lead us to the conclusion that your boyfriend is not appreciating you and he has an aggressive temper and spends way too much time pounding his one-eyed lizard to porn.

That would have pulled me into the story. I would then have wanted to know what was going to happen next. Don't tell us you decided to cheat, show us what happened and what you thought and experienced that led you to cheat. Let us feel the story, not just listen to it.

You have lots of potential as a writer. I really hope you keep writing and submitting to Literotica. If you choose to listen to my advice here, I think your stories will improve. You will still be attacked by one of the two groups in LW. That's okay, anonymous is a moron with a standard IQ consistent with a presidential candidate. It makes them fun to laugh at, but not worth taking seriously, so don't.

If you want a beta reader for your next story before you submit it, I'll be happy to read it for you and make suggestions. PM me. I don't get on Literotica every day but I check messages at least once a week unless life is real good or real bad

Good luck.

Thanks for feedback!

Goldencojones-- I really love your ideas and agree that would've been the best way to handle the story. I was so excited to get to the sex scene that I definitely left a bit of character development sitting in the 'tell' box instead of the 'show' box. I think you'll find the next chapters don't suffer from that-- I feel like I evolved very rapidly after the first chapter. Thanks for your generous offer to edit me. I may take you up on that.

Thanks also to Pennlady-- I really appreciate you and GC taking the time to explain the cutthroat aspect of LW.... It's the strangest internet vortex I've seen in a long time. Makes me wonder who the masochists are on there and what they get out of reading stuff they hate and spending so much time trying to tear people down.

It seems to me that if I had followed GC's advice I might've caught your interest. I wonder if the later chapters will be more to your liking, given the attention I spent on characters. What I found, ironically, is that after writing my first sex scene, my appetite was more than quenched and I was far more excited to write about the characters and dialogue. They happen to be real, and I had to re-tell it all to the best of my memory, and more than that to really capture the flavor of the people and events that lead up to this point. Anyway, I'm really enjoying the process now.

I read the first one. I am a bit confused.
1. You have 42 comments already, but you say you'd love some feedback?
2. You write a story about someone who isn't married, doesn't love her boyfriend, and cheats on him, so why is it in the loving wives category?
3. She grumbles about her boyfriend, then says she worships him?

Well, ignore the dumb comments from the sneering anon guys. It's probably a mistake to respond - if you show annoyance they will just do it again.

The story is pretty good. One little technical thing is the tenses. It starts in the past tense, then switches to present.

I started reading ch 2. I just managed to get past infidelity hitting her 'like a charging bull', but when the next paragraph started with emotions hitting 'like a riptide' I really couldn't take any more, sorry! Watch out for repetotive, naff similes.

hadruprider

It belongs in Loving Wives because of the entire story, which needs to be told in chapters because it's quite long. It's a true story based on what my partner and I went through to arrive where we are now... and a pretty exciting journey, although perhaps overladen with similes! Eeks... the examples you posted made me cringe. Thanks for giving it a shot. I'm not a professional writer, I've just wanted to write erotica for a long time and finally got to a place in my life where I have a story to tell.

But yes-- I wanted feedback-- real feedback, not hater feedback. And I'm really enjoying the criticisms on here, not taking it personally, just learning from peoples suggestsions so I can be a better writer. Mostly the stuff in the comments sections are not even slightly constructive.

I'm a LW writer with several accounts and stories. I'm a LW gladiator, few waste their time attacking me. I have a different attitude about LW. I'm a fanatic about good writing, and generally ignore the writers causes and goals.

I read one of your posted LW stories.

The very end sux (the revelation of the time with Miko). It flat doesn't work because its no resolution that resolves anything. Something should be settled, and isn't.

That said, you write well, and I'm impressed with how you spin the spell readers long to be in. I imagine females like your story more than guys. As a guy I'm not looking for female friends. I want pussy. So your tale isn't for me, its for females.

Keep up the good work.

Silkess said:

Goldencojones-- I really love your ideas and agree that would've been the best way to handle the story. I was so excited to get to the sex scene that I definitely left a bit of character development sitting in the 'tell' box instead of the 'show' box. I think you'll find the next chapters don't suffer from that-- I feel like I evolved very rapidly after the first chapter. Thanks for your generous offer to edit me. I may take you up on that.

Thanks also to Pennlady-- I really appreciate you and GC taking the time to explain the cutthroat aspect of LW.... It's the strangest internet vortex I've seen in a long time. Makes me wonder who the masochists are on there and what they get out of reading stuff they hate and spending so much time trying to tear people down.

It seems to me that if I had followed GC's advice I might've caught your interest. I wonder if the later chapters will be more to your liking, given the attention I spent on characters. What I found, ironically, is that after writing my first sex scene, my appetite was more than quenched and I was far more excited to write about the characters and dialogue. They happen to be real, and I had to re-tell it all to the best of my memory, and more than that to really capture the flavor of the people and events that lead up to this point. Anyway, I'm really enjoying the process now.

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You're welcome, hope I helped in some way.

I read the second part of your story. It still started off with a lot of narrative, but you quickly got into the story and it got a lot better. I found the dialog very good except for the "Aaaaaaaahhhhhs" and like. I dislike those in stories. That may be a personal thing with me though.

The hottest thing about chapter 2 was the dialog, but I also really enjoyed getting into Steve's head a little and seeing what makes him tick. We also got a glimpse into the main character's head and it was as diverse and convoluted as I expected.

Don't worry about conflicts in emotion. Conflicted emotion is real and you expressed it well. Flip flopping from hate to love to indifference back to love is quite normal. It wouldn't feel real or deep if you only felt one emotion toward someone.

I'll be sure and read the other chapters. If you like I'll come back here and give feedback on each of them.

Noirtrash and golden cojones

Noirtrash-- glad you liked my writing. What did you not like about the end? It was just a cliffhanger for part two.

Goldencojones- Yes I'd appreciate you reading the other chapters and leaving feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed part two. Yes 'she' is very conflicted and convoluted. And might have a lot in common with the author ;-)

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 was very hot. I really enjoyed the interaction between Aura and Tamera. It set up a wonderful sidebar to the main story.

You still use a lot of narrative, but either I'm getting used to it, learning to appreciate your style, or you're using it balanced enough with the "show" that it works. Whichever, I think you've hit on a style that is distinctively you and works, so keep it up.

The sex scenes were well written with a good balance of dialog and description. You used all the senses with Tamera, but kinda went short on smell and flavor with Miko. But you made up for it with emotion and feelings so it was okay.

Your writing seems to improve with each story and I didn't see any glaring grammatical mistakes in this chapter. Pretty impressive with a 3 page story, but it may just have been that I got into the story enough to not notice

Good Job! Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I'll read chapter 4 next and post my comments on it.

GC

Chapter 4

Okay, well, your writing has improved a lot from the first story to the 4th. I hope you will continue writing because I'm quickly becoming a fan.

To the story: I was engrossed through the entire thing. That is very good. Nothing was there that smacked me across the head and knocked me out of the story. This chapter had very little narrative and a lot of showing. You showed the main character's emotion well and even though you were limited by the POV from really "telling" Steve's emotion, you showed it. That is great.

Your dialog is very well done. There was a small part of the dialog between Steve and Miko that got a little stilted. I think you were trying to show the awkwardness of the interaction between the two and you accomplished that, but the words didn't seem natural for Steve and then Miko's rather quick turn around from being completely freaked out to accepting was perhaps a little too fast.

The story is progressing well and there certainly is room for a next chapter if that's in your plans. You could also easily end it here.

So now I want to talk a little about the story as a whole.

The character development was done well. At this point I feel like I know who Aura and Steve are. As the main characters of the story, you fleshed them out and gave them distinct personalities. I've even seen growth in both characters which is harder to do in short stories. I also know Miko and he transformed a little at the end of chapter 4. If you continue the story, you need to flesh him out a little more. The short introduction to Tamara has me intrigued and I want to know more about her as well. So good job with character development.

Plot development was also done well. The small twist at the end of chapter 4 was welcome, even though it felt a little hurried. The plot development mates well with the character development and gives the entire story depth. Good job on that.

Dialog improved with each story. You are going to have a hard time topping the dialog in chapter 4, but try The only bobble with dialog is the one I already mentioned.

Overall I have really enjoyed reading this story. You've done a good job with it and you should be proud. Please keep writing and sharing with us.

GC

Gc

Hey GC I really appreciate you reading my whole story so far! And all of the thoughtful, eloquent feedback. I am continuing the story, although Ive been a bit harried for the last two weeks so progress is slow going. It's also a harder story to write than the others. But I don't think dialogue will be a problem.

What part of the dialogue felt weird to you in Chapter 4? I reread it and it seemed okay to me, except maybe it all wrapped up too quickly. But I didn't want to drag that part out at all... it seemed pretty long already. I had a critique from a reader that there was too much 'dudes talking about their feelings' in this one. And it is by far my lowest rated, I noticed (not sure why, though).

Silkess said:

Noirtrash-- glad you liked my writing. What did you not like about the end? It was just a cliffhanger for part two.

Goldencojones- Yes I'd appreciate you reading the other chapters and leaving feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed part two. Yes 'she' is very conflicted and convoluted. And might have a lot in common with the author ;-)

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One more time.....The very end sux (the revelation of the time with Miko). It flat doesn't work because its no resolution that resolves anything. Something should be settled, and isn't.


Youre welcome to ignore my opinion or stick it up your ass but what you don't do doesn't change the flaw. Youre a waste of time and I wont waste more of it on you.

Silkess said:

Hey GC I really appreciate you reading my whole story so far! And all of the thoughtful, eloquent feedback. I am continuing the story, although Ive been a bit harried for the last two weeks so progress is slow going. It's also a harder story to write than the others. But I don't think dialogue will be a problem.

What part of the dialogue felt weird to you in Chapter 4? I reread it and it seemed okay to me, except maybe it all wrapped up too quickly. But I didn't want to drag that part out at all... it seemed pretty long already. I had a critique from a reader that there was too much 'dudes talking about their feelings' in this one. And it is by far my lowest rated, I noticed (not sure why, though).

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Well, I am only giving you my opinion. The part that felt off to me was Miko going from completely weirded out to accepting in the space of a couple of paragraphs. That kind of personal growth should, IMHO, take longer.

Obviously the reader who didn't want as much "dudes talking about their feelings" was looking for more sex, and I of all people get that. I was looking at the story from the character development angle. Sometimes the best writing isn't what readers at Literotica are looking for

I know very little about the category but it shouldn't matter, your story needs to stand on it's own. I saw another comment about the tense, that was a little confusing, but my comments will be from a readers pov.

In a multiple chapter story you have a great opportunity to introduce us to the characters and let us see life through their eyes. The first description of the boyfriend seems as if he is a jerk and I wonder why your character bothered to stay. 10 months as a benchmark for long, is subjective, but it seems unlikely that he started off as a prince and became the way you describe him now, out of the blue. His characterization seems very negative, but it's also very shallow. He wants blow jobs, plays video games, was abused emotionally and physically as a child. He sounds as if he needs help more than a relationship. The positive descriptions are based on his looks and what he did for you, he was intense, passionate and seemed to want to talk. Again, a very shallow way to talk about someone.

With her I felt the same way. Her personality and what she gave Steve was all based on sex. She gave blow jobs to show how she appreciated him, her physical description was the reason she felt she needed to be treated better. I didn't dislike her but she was a very cardboard character and this was a story about sex. You could have substituted anyone in for them because I felt no connection to either of them.

The sex was good. This seemed to be a place where you spent more time on description and detail. For me it was like watching porn because I felt no connection to the characters, but it was still well described.

Her outfit, meeting at McDonalds, even Miko were just backdrops for the sex. Why did she dress slutty? Why did they go to McDonalds? It almost seems to suggest a lack of class, but I have no personality to compare it against. I thought the angst over her clothing choice wasn't needed. We know she has cheated in other shorter term problem relationships so her being concerned about dressing like a slut seems disingenuous to me.

The story is easy to read. The beginning where trivia about characters seems to be thrown in at random places and the tense change made it a bit confusing, but it was straightforward. This easily could have been a standalone story. I have no connection to any of the characters and no interest in knowing more about them. It didn't end on a cliffhanger. She gave a statement of what she was going to do and I just shrugged. No remorse, no worry about how he will react, just a statement, almost taunting. I would like to know less physical descriptions about these characters and more about how they feel, what they think, why they are where they are now. I want to feel a connection to them, make them real, make them human.

Iceprincess12 said:

I know very little about the category but it shouldn't matter, your story needs to stand on it's own. I saw another comment about the tense, that was a little confusing, but my comments will be from a readers pov.

In a multiple chapter story you have a great opportunity to introduce us to the characters and let us see life through their eyes. The first description of the boyfriend seems as if he is a jerk and I wonder why your character bothered to stay. 10 months as a benchmark for long, is subjective, but it seems unlikely that he started off as a prince and became the way you describe him now, out of the blue. His characterization seems very negative, but it's also very shallow. He wants blow jobs, plays video games, was abused emotionally and physically as a child. He sounds as if he needs help more than a relationship. The positive descriptions are based on his looks and what he did for you, he was intense, passionate and seemed to want to talk. Again, a very shallow way to talk about someone.

With her I felt the same way. Her personality and what she gave Steve was all based on sex. She gave blow jobs to show how she appreciated him, her physical description was the reason she felt she needed to be treated better. I didn't dislike her but she was a very cardboard character and this was a story about sex. You could have substituted anyone in for them because I felt no connection to either of them.

The sex was good. This seemed to be a place where you spent more time on description and detail. For me it was like watching porn because I felt no connection to the characters, but it was still well described.

Her outfit, meeting at McDonalds, even Miko were just backdrops for the sex. Why did she dress slutty? Why did they go to McDonalds? It almost seems to suggest a lack of class, but I have no personality to compare it against. I thought the angst over her clothing choice wasn't needed. We know she has cheated in other shorter term problem relationships so her being concerned about dressing like a slut seems disingenuous to me.

The story is easy to read. The beginning where trivia about characters seems to be thrown in at random places and the tense change made it a bit confusing, but it was straightforward. This easily could have been a standalone story. I have no connection to any of the characters and no interest in knowing more about them. It didn't end on a cliffhanger. She gave a statement of what she was going to do and I just shrugged. No remorse, no worry about how he will react, just a statement, almost taunting. I would like to know less physical descriptions about these characters and more about how they feel, what they think, why they are where they are now. I want to feel a connection to them, make them real, make them human.

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McDonalds is excellent for safe hookups with strangers, I've met women there for the first encounter and even sex in the parking lot. Especially women who are exhibitionists. But hospital parking lots are better.

NOIRTRASH said:

McDonalds is excellent for safe hookups with strangers, I've met women there for the first encounter and even sex in the parking lot. Especially women who are exhibitionists. But hospital parking lots are better.

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TMI.

LadyVer said:

TMI.

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I invented luv. One time on the trunk of the car parked next to the interstate off ramp.

NOIRTRASH said:

I invented luv. One time on the trunk of the car parked next to the interstate off ramp.

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You should start a conquest thread. Let me know if you do so I can see your thread. BTW, I liked your feedback to the op.

NOIRTRASH said:

McDonalds is excellent for safe hookups with strangers, I've met women there for the first encounter and even sex in the parking lot. Especially women who are exhibitionists. But hospital parking lots are better.

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I thought rest stops were hookup central. A lot less chance your high school teacher is coming by ordering fillet o'fish.

Hospitals are full of sick people, hospital parking lots don't seem as if they would be any more sanitary. At least go to the Dr's parking garage. Other than relatives, they have the least amount of contact with patients.

Iceprincess12 said:

I thought rest stops were hookup central. A lot less chance your high school teacher is coming by ordering fillet o'fish.

Hospitals are full of sick people, hospital parking lots don't seem as if they would be any more sanitary. At least go to the Dr's parking garage. Other than relatives, they have the least amount of contact with patients.

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The WALMART paint section is popular with lovers after midnight, so is the auto service parking lot about that time.

I usta sit in my office at the hospital and learn all the dirt on most people in town. Once my oldest friends wife came in, suicidal, and spilled the beans about what they'd been up to. I had no idea. She died later, and he married one of the gals they played with. I discovered by accident that if I put my hand on a womans knee/leg, most of the time she had no problem with it, especially if her husband was old or a drunk. I had more hair on my head than my back back then.

Noir, that's not luv, that's romance....

Barry White playin' on the eight track?

NOIRTRASH said:

I invented luv. One time on the trunk of the car parked next to the interstate off ramp.

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Well, when you take JBJ's stories with a ton of salt, neither you nor Barry White is not left with much--just a couple of raised eyebrows.

Ice Princess 12

I really like your review and I pretty much agree with it completely with your take on it. I'd love it if you'd give chapter 2 a shot and see if you enjoy getting into the characters a little deeper. Chapter 3 is where I really start to find my flow though. I'm not a writer, I'm just learning how to write and tell stories. The tense changes are deliberate though because I feel like I'm telling a story about the past and then suddenly it shifts naturally (for me) into a more immediate presentness.. like the sex feels that way, and so do some of the dialogue moments.

McDonalds in Adams is just between where Miko lives and where I live. It was an old high school hangout, so it was symbolic really. I guess I dressed slutty because I wanted to feel appreciated. Or maybe because I secretly wanted everything to go the way it did, so my boyfriend and I could open our relationship. But that was subconscious if anything.

I really didn't know much about literotica stories until I wrote this one. I thought writing erotica meant focusing on the sex, but what's interesting is that as I wrote my own story I found that writing the sex was the least fun part and telling about the characters was the most fun. And it seems like people are enjoying my characters now. I feel like I'm finding my own rhythm. This story is based on my own life, but it all happened four years ago so I basically have to recreate the dialogue and fill in the gaps in my memory for some of the sex, etc.

I see a cheating thread, I just can't help but be playfully intrigued.

OP, you've had a lot of good replies. This kind of discussion has been had a lot on the forums over the years, and some familiar faces from those threads have given you the same advice.

My small contribution to what you've already been given are on another thread (http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1304252) so I won't repeat them.

All I will say is trolls will be trolls and the internet is the internet - anonymity makes people act like asshats that they wouldn't dare act like elsewhere. Fuck 'em. Write what you enjoy, don't get hung up on ratings (though this relates to visibility, Lit's rating system is shit and susceptible to asses). From what I have seen, people will eventually find your stories if they like the fetish. If you write about cheating in LW, people who like cheating will definitely find you as there aren't many good stories and they scour the site for any.

Those are my two cents