Young married man not satisfied

Aside from the smart asses who actually sit and judge me from the comfort of their "literotica account", thanks for all the advice. I'm not exactly proud of myself but I am a young man who has a very high sex drive. When my wife and I were dating and even when we were first married we had sex all the time. For the last eight months she's slowly settled into a life of no interest in sex. I have needs and it makes me weak sometimes I guess. When we were first married I would wake up most nights with her sucking on my balls. It's a frustrating thing.

I do love her but my sexual needs grow more and more. I used literotica a long time before I met her but started back a lot lately. Kinda like an itch I can't scratch. It's gotta be better than cheating though right?

Again thanks for the words

In order to figure out how to get the spark back with your wife, it's best to keep focused on her - not get distracted by lit or porn. What kind of sex does your wife want?

Remy88 said:

Aside from the smart asses who actually sit and judge me from the comfort of their "literotica account", thanks for all the advice. I'm not exactly proud of myself but I am a young man who has a very high sex drive. When my wife and I were dating and even when we were first married we had sex all the time. For the last eight months she's slowly settled into a life of no interest in sex. I have needs and it makes me weak sometimes I guess. When we were first married I would wake up most nights with her sucking on my balls. It's a frustrating thing.

I do love her but my sexual needs grow more and more. I used literotica a long time before I met her but started back a lot lately. Kinda like an itch I can't scratch. It's gotta be better than cheating though right?

Again thanks for the words

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No one's judging you. You asked for advice, and you've received a bunch of great advice from members with a variety of backgrounds and experiences. Many of us have been married for a long ass time and have dealt with the frustration of mismatched libidos (from one or both sides) multiple times. Some--perhaps even many--of us carry the scars of being cheated on, or cheating, in past or present long-term relationships/marriages.

Nearly all of us strive to give the best advice we can, given the information we have at the time we post, rather than simply provide the original poster with validation. If you were/are looking for validation, you'd likely do better on Fetish & Sexuality Central or The Playground.

Pretty much every legitimate poster has encouraged you to have a serious, calm, loving conversation with your wife about this. We've also told you that if this is your situation after only 1 year of marriage, the outlook likely isn't all that rosy for your future satisfaction with your sex life with your wife. Actions like playing around with other women online and cheating aren't going to solve the fundamental issue(s) and help you long-term. Actions like discussing the issue with your wife, seeking help from a good therapist, finding mutually agreeable compromises, renegotiating the terms of your marriage (which could include playing online, consensual nonmonogamy, etc.), and perhaps dissolving the marriage if you've [ideally both] done your absolute best to fix it and it's still not working, ARE healthy ways to proceed in a situation like you've described.

If you don't want to work through the issues with your wife, that's totally fine, but the decent thing to do at that point is to tell her that and file for separation/divorce/annulment. Then you'll be legally, morally and ethically free to have as much sex as you want with other consenting adults.

it's pretty rare that only one person in a relationship has unmet needs at any given time. perhaps it would be fair to ask her which of her needs she would like you to work on as well. It could be a mutual giving in an effort to better create a life together.

lack of sex is generally a symptom of another problem and root problem in itself. How is her health, mental as well as physical? A whole host of issues can cause lack of libido in women, including depression, thyroid, abnormal glucose levels, hormones, stress, etc...

How is your relationship? She used to initiate sex when you were dating. What has changed? Many men stop wooing their wives once they marry leading their wives to feel undesirable, etc... Could it be a simple case of taking her for granted? Are resentments or frustrations in other parts of her life carrying over to the bedroom? Is your turning to the computer/porn/chatting for sex making her feel inadequate?

You two need to sit down outside of the bedroom and start talking in a non accusatory manner and get to the root of the problem. If you need a therapist to help you guys, then do so.

One thing that strikes out at me is that you're talking about sex as needing kink and getting off, not as loving, connecting and bonding with your mate. That alone can make her feel used even if she is your wife. It could very well be that you both have very different expectations in a sexual relationship.

pplwatching said:

Remy, I suggest two things. First, find a way to communicate to your wife that sex is important in your marriage. I can only speak for myself, but sex is fuel for a lot of things to me. It makes me feel wanted and desired, and meets my emotional needs. Of course it feels great, but part of what makes it feel great to me is knowing that I am able to seduce my wife and give her pleasure any time I want. It took a few months in marriage counseling before we were able to both understand that. I am fortunate that my wife is committed to meeting my needs, even if at first she didn't completely understand them. She was like your wife. Sex was fun when we had it, but she just didn't see it as a priority. Your wife needs to understand that the difference between best friends and lovers is making love.

Second, you need to figure out what makes your wife tick sexually. Figure out what makes her feel sexual. When my wife and I were having a serious dry spell, I was always kind of tentatively approaching her ... trying to put a meter on her to determine if she might be open to having sex, and backing off if I thought that she wasn't in the mood. My wife hated the pussy footing around. To her that was extremely unattractive. She wanted "Me Tarzan. You Jane. Tarzan want to fuck Jane. Tarzan not take no for answer." approach. As soon as I started being much more assertive, she responded like I had only dreamed. It doesn't always work out that way, but understanding what triggered her makes a huge difference.

That's not to say that my experience has anything to do with yours, or that you need to "not take no for an answer". Sometimes my wife says no, and we agree to have sex the next chance we get instead. You need to get your wife to open up and communicate with you. You need to first try to understand her, and then help her to understand you. You might try some of the self help books like "Five love languages" to help you understand each other. There will be compromises; some from each of you. It is possible to work through it if you're both committed to having a healthy marriage, including a hot sex life. Take your time and work on it.

If she has no interest in meeting your needs, or you have no interest in a compromise that meets both of your needs, then you obviously have a much harder road ahead of you.

Best to you both.



In my experience, there's no such thing as "figuring it out before we marry." People's needs change, their libidos change, and life happens. My wife, for example, used to show up at my house to wake me up for sex at 1am when we were dating. At that point she wanted sex all of the time. After we'd been married for a while, between our mismatched schedules and then kids, sex tapered off to nothing.

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southern_gal said:

Sometimes things (and people) do change after marriage but usually it takes a few years or perhaps a major life changing event. It's not really normal for a paradigm shift to occur right out of the blue.

So, to your point, yes some things are best to know before the I do's are said and not just assume it will be what you want or need.

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Yes, the fact that things are foing to change and at times get rough, is a given.
What you need to know about the other person, is how they handle change, rough times and conflict.
What are their priorities and how do they go about solving problems?
Like you asked pplwatching, what makes them tick?

It's still possible to find these things out of course.

IrisAlthea said:

Wouldn't it be great if people took the time to find out about these things before they marry?

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The funny thing is that before marriage, and for a year after, they seemed to be sexually compatible. Once the one-year mark hit, she most likely started to get headaches for several weeks, then Aunt Flo stopped by, then there were always more reasons for why sex wasn't an option. Friends needing help, stress from life, work issues, or the actual reason of "not in the mood right now."

In my highly unscientific studies, I've heard this exact same scenario from many guys, as well as experiencing it in my own life. A couple is living the life of good sex before marriage and for about a year afterwards, and once the wife realizes that she is in a good stable relationship and she has met a big life goal of being in a good marriage, then the sex is no longer important. She knows he is committed to her, and she no longer feels the need keep his attention focused on her crotch, so she stops. The only reason she will be interested in sex after this is when she wants children. </gross over-generalization>

None of the women I'm speaking of, whether friends and family, have told me this, it's always been the husbands saying it out of desperation and confusion. No, doing housework won't appeal to her libido. No, the hubby jerking off to anything won't get any response from her other than anger. Trying to pick up women online or at clubs will only make things worse - do not do that.

How can the OP (or any unsatisfied hubby) get his wife interested in sex again? Hell, if I knew the answer to this, I'd be the richest man in the world!!! The best you can hope for is to talk to her. While comparing the current sex life to the previous year(s), let her know that she has dropped the ball and ask what she needs in order to bring back that part of her life. The drawback is that this is something that needs to be very carefully stated. Generally, most women are drawn to confidence and strength while shunning any perceived begging or showing that a guy is helpless in a situation.

My best guess is for the OP to talk to his wife and find out if she can say why she doesn't want sex. If everything else in the marriage is going well, I think it's a horrible idea to break up the relationship over her inability to spend a half-hour to make her mate happy.

JtohisPB said:

It's not only men who find themselves in situations like this. I'm not looking to derail the thread, but that last post reads a bit like a sweeping generalization of wives after a year. There are plenty of wives like me who are begging for more and are left wanting in a marriage that is otherwise going well.

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This is very true. Men can get into a rut as well, and can be as stubborn as any women, maybe even more so because of their lack of wanting to communicate.

During my first marriage, the lack of interest in sex was on my end and there were lots of issues -- some issues had to do with the sex itself but most of them didn't -- that came into play. I've been married to my second husband since 2002, and we're still going very strong. So maybe I was always interested in sex, but I wasn't interested in sex with my ex? I dunno. . .

JtohisPB said:

It's not only men who find themselves in situations like this. I'm not looking to derail the thread, but that last post reads a bit like a sweeping generalization of wives after a year. There are plenty of wives like me who are begging for more and are left wanting in a marriage that is otherwise going well.

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Your post just gave me an epiphany that is not very well formed yet.

The "honeymoon period" is often defined as about a year. I remember mine well.

The stereotype that it is often the wife that suddenly is not into sex or blowjobs or whatever about the one year mark I have my theories on. The prospect of sex, whether one is of a chaste mindset or not with someone you are not yet married to is hot...helps the whole arousal initiation phase. Through no fault of either person that portion of arousal goes away with marriage and familiarity. Notice that a lot of living together couples report it after the "get the paper" Since I associate men being arousing to men being edgy, I figured it made sense that women lose that little portion of the puzzle when he is familiar.

It just hit me that for some men, especially with a whore madonna mindset, it is suddenly not some deflowering process. I have heard more complaints from women about this change in libido associated not necessarily with marriage but with her becoming a mom...and if my theory holds, a maddona figure now.

Life is short, work it out or move on! I was married and in my late 20's, sex dried up and we could not work things out. I got a divorce, and found somebody who treated me better, sex was more compatible and things were just all around better. Don't spend all your time on the internet complaining about shit!

I knew a woman who refused to have sex with her husband because as she put it, "He smells like the ass end of a mule." She felt like he should know better, so she refused to say anything to him about it. We weren't close friends or anything, but last I heard, she was still holding out.

So, how's your hygiene?

littlecordelera said:

I knew a woman who refused to have sex with her husband because as she put it, "He smells like the ass end of a mule." She felt like he should know better, so she refused to say anything to him about it. We weren't close friends or anything, but last I heard, she was still holding out.

So, how's your hygiene?

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I think that's what happens in most cases. We stop wooing each other. Think about it. You do things that you *never* would have done when trying to attract your intended. You start burping, farting, taking a dump with the bathroom door open, forget to shave, wear your rattiest pj's or gym pants, etc... and We stop doing the things you did to get their attention, all the little things to make them feel special, take them out on a date, buy them flowers or little gifts and stop wearing the nice lacy thongs and break out the granny panties.

I think both sexes are guilty of this. Is it any wonder it affects our libidos? we wake up one day and wonder what the hell happened? Yet if you were to leave your significant other, what would you do? you'd make yourself attractive again, stop burping, farting and scratching yourself in rude places in front of them...until familiarity sets in and the cycle starts all over again. With a little effort, I think we can make ourselves attractive to the person we're currently with again. Just my 2 cents.

Remy88 said:

I am a 27 year old guy who loves his wife. We got married about 1 year ago and already for some time the sex has been less than stellar. When we first got married we fucked and sucked like crazy a couple times a day and then the well dried up.

Another problem is I have an extremely high sex drive and she doesn't. I jerk my cock twice a day on average. Sometimes we will go a week or two without sex. Which drives me to jerk off and watch porn even more or even have more and more thoughts about cheating. I love dirty things during sex. I love to lick puss and ass but she hates both and never lets me do either one. My frustration is huge. She only wants vanilla sex but I crave A much kinkier sex life. I have tried talking to her but it doesn't seem to work.

Any thoughts?

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Sounds like my wife. People love to blame us for her lack of desire but, the fact is, some women have hormone issues/depression etc. and they just don't want to have sex - with anyone. My wife is like that - we haven't had sex in a month. It is frustrating and, she fully admits it has nothing to do with me. She has even suggested I find sexual fulfillment with someone else - not completely sure if she's serious but, I may need to find out if things continue the way they are.

There is lots of good advice here on how to communicate with your wife and find a path forward. It is challenging to manage sex and expectations in a long-term relationship so you have to work at it.

However, I would like to emphasize one perspective. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. Both parties have to work at maintaining a healthy sex life and determining what a healthy sex life is for you both. For one part to unilaterally shut off the tap once they get what they want is deeply selfish and a betrayal of the commitment.

That doesn't mean she is a wind up toy who should do what you want. But I do not accept the premise that it is up to the man to come up with ever more elaborate ways to woo his own wife while her only role is to show up and deign to let him do what he wants. Men aren't just stereotypes of walking hard-ons looking to stuff it anywhere - that will do in a pinch, but we want to be appreciated and wanted as much as anybody.

If she wants romance by all means oblige her, but there is no reason she shouldn't be equally willing to oblige what you want. And sometimes maybe it will be work. Tell her to grow up and deal with it. I didn't want to spend 3 hours trimming the hedges (no pun intended) last year when they looked just fine to me but I did it anyway. And I didn't stand silently waiting for her to go buy me chocolates and flowers first. Would a five minute blowjob even when she isn't in the mood be so much to ask? Do I have to perform a perfect routine of wooing and mystery mood solving every single time we have sex?

Invest the time to talk and understand. Work hard to address any issues and make sure you aren't being self indulgent in a way that reduces her desire (as one person noted no pooping with the bathroom door open). But also establish the premise that sex is part of a healthy relationship and she isn't keeping up her end of the bargain just now. Expect her to communicate back to you and not hide behind lame excuses. Establish the premise that she does not get to unilaterally decide what your sex life will be like. Do not accept being treated like a dirtbag for wanting sex or expected to grovel and genuflect to get it.

I know a lot of men need to grow up in terms of how they view their sex lives.......but so do a lot of women. Not so long ago the attitude was "yes I am letting him down but all men are dirt bags anyway so it is good for him to become more civilized". Take away the presumption that men are dirtbags and she is doing what's best for him and all that is left is a selfish bitch justifying her inactions on foolish and arrogant presumptions.

If you go into a marriage based upon an assumption of a vibrant sex life and she knew it, then she is the one changing the deal not you. Best to focus on understanding what is really going on. Are there manageable reasons to solve the current drought with a woman who does want a vibrant sex life or is she changing the deal for the rest of your marriage. If the latter, better to know now because washing the dishes and buying flowers won't achieve anything other than pity sex once a month.

Seriously consider moving on.

If 6 months before the wedding she had told you "I Love you, but we will have sex once every 2 weeks if you're lucky. Five years from now you'll be lucky to experience my affections once per month." Would you have still married her? No.

Therefore don't worry about leaving her.

She (knowingly or maybe not) deceived you. She acted one way, got married, and changed dramatically.

Think about if you've changed. Do you take her out less? Do you do anything she likes less?

So my first piece of advice. DO NOT HAVE KIDS. FOR A LONG TIME. They'll only tie you to this sexless woman.

Then man up. Do not EVER whine for sex. Tell her you have needs and one is a woman who loves you and desires you. And you know there are plenty of such women out there, if he didn't marry one, you're willing to change that.

Too many men are pushovers.

Copied and pasted from a another thread on the same subject. Pardon the repetitiveness, but I think it bears repeating. So here it is....

This is a subject that's fairly common and I'm blown away by how quickly people suggest cheating or divorce. Really? There are so, so many underlying things that could be addressed rather than the knee-jerk reaction resorting to something that can be absolutely devastating. You're together, you (presumably) love the person you're with...isn't that worth trying to find the underlying cause and work out a solution? Isn't the amount of time you've been together worth trying to salvage the relationship? Don't you and your partner deserve at least that amount of respect?

It may be an issue, but it's not automatically insurmountable. So much depends on both partners wanting to resolve this. Communication is key.

Shit, with everything me & hubby went through, if either one of us ran, tail tucked between our legs at the first sign of trouble, we wouldn't have lasted 25 years and counting and our relationship has gotten stronger *because* of life's hurdles not despite them. I sincerely hope that most people would want to try to salvage a relationship, have more compassion and understanding for their partners than some posts would lead us to believe. Just my 2 cents.

I find it odd that people complain about situations that they knew they were getting into in the first place. So that makes me ask...what is the real issue? Too many times things like "lack of sex" get blamed when the real issue is something else. Sex can mean different things for men than it does for women.

These questions/topics come up fairly often and I'm always a little surprised/disgusted by the amount of replies that blame one or the other. More disgusted at the people who seem to generalize women as being so evil they would have sex until marriage and then just stop because they've already reeled him in. Seriously, that's some cartoon fuckin' silly clown shoes shit.

You're in a relationship with someone. That means you both have to talk and come to an agreement. Find out why sex is no longer important to her. If there's a medical reason find out what can be done to help. If there's a breakdown somewhere else in the relationship, find it and fix it. If your own orgasm matters more than hers, maybe that's the interest killer. Seriously, if masturbation has better outcomes than sex with my partner, masturbation wins.

My husband and I have traded off throughout our ten years together with both of us losing interest at different times. All for different reasons. Stress from work, my cycle, depression, medical issues, all have played roles in mismatched libidos. Each time, we have casual talks to pinpoint and try to fix this issue. It's not fail proof and it doesn't happen over night. It's also rarely just about sex or lack of it.

I think it's a bad idea to think that the only way your wife can show you she loves you is by having sex with you (as some have suggested). Take a look and see if she's doing other acts of intimacy like hugging or holding hands or whatever that looks like in your relationship. Are those things still happening?

Examine yourself and your relationship. We are very quick to blame the other for how bad things are. I know I've made the mistake of thinking I was totally right, when all along it was just easier for me to blame him instead of owning up to my shit. Usually, blaming each other has been fruitless, we have more successful talks when we both come forward with our shortcomings and agree to work on them.

If it turns out your wife really just doesn't want to have sex that often (that's ok, people have different needs) then look for a solution that you can both agree on. I think you've received some good advice here, along with some really bad advice. No one here is in your relationship, so none of us can really give you the perfect answer. Your relationship maintenance is up to you and your wife.

Remy88 said:

Aside from the smart asses who actually sit and judge me from the comfort of their "literotica account", thanks for all the advice. I'm not exactly proud of myself but I am a young man who has a very high sex drive. When my wife and I were dating and even when we were first married we had sex all the time. For the last eight months she's slowly settled into a life of no interest in sex. I have needs and it makes me weak sometimes I guess. When we were first married I would wake up most nights with her sucking on my balls. It's a frustrating thing.

I do love her but my sexual needs grow more and more. I used literotica a long time before I met her but started back a lot lately. Kinda like an itch I can't scratch. It's gotta be better than cheating though right?

Again thanks for the words

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You asked for advice, and you got advice. You just don't like some of the advise you got. If you wanted support, you should have said you wanted support for decision you have apparently already made. Your wife is a woman, not a sex slave, and she has an equal right to decide when and if she wants sex with you. I suspect the problem is not with your wife, but with you. What woman wants a man who sits in front of a computer watching porn and jerking himself! No woman can compete with the illusion of porn and the instant gratification of masturbation. It is likely that your wife is not the one who changed; rather, it is likely you are the one who changed, and now she just doesn't find you sexually attractive anymore. If you want your marriage to get better, I suggest you stop wasting your time on porn and masturbation, and focus your energy on improving yourself. If you don't think the man can be the problem when a woman loses her interest in sex, read some of the threads posted on Lit by divorced women. It is not uncommon to find women who lost their need for sex in their marriage, only to have it return even stronger when they found a new man after their divorce. When you have a problem in your marriage, go to the biggest mirror you have in the house, and you will usually find it staring at you. I get so tired of men whining about their marital problems, when they haven't even considered they may be the problem themselves. What are you going to do when you find another woman, and a few months later, she doesn't find you sexually attractive either? Marriage is not a free ride, you have to work it!

MeekMe said:

My husband and I have traded off throughout our ten years together with both of us losing interest at different times. All for different reasons. Stress from work, my cycle, depression, medical issues, all have played roles in mismatched libidos. Each time, we have casual talks to pinpoint and try to fix this issue. It's not fail proof and it doesn't happen over night. It's also rarely just about sex or lack of it.

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Amen.

Way too young and way too early in the marriage for this to be happening. You have gotten some good advice here. Hopefully it works out. Good luck.

Remy,

I haven't read the responses you have had so I may be repeating here. Three suggestions:

See if you can learn as much as you can, from you wife and also from others you can really trust, about all the subtleties of how a woman's sexual desire or lack of it ties in with every other aspect of what is going on in her life and in her relationships. Just for example at this stage in your marriage, is there an element of grieving for her for her home life as it was before you tied the knot? That stuff can go on even with her being totally in love with you and she may not be able to admit it and it could be drying up her sex drive - that's just one example.

Understand that the way sex is for a couple over the years can be like a huge expanse of scenery with plains and deep valleys and mountain ranges and just as things have badly dipped for you they can also soar to great heights for you again if you two can just find the route to the base camp of that fabulous mountain.

Give yourself, and her, some kind of rating in terms of your ability together to achieve a deeply satisfying orgasm for her. And then, where ever you are on that scale, seek out how to 'up' it. The reason I suggest this: I believe that women who have discovered the deep and fabulous joy of orgasmic bliss as a 'norm' in their experience of sex with a man, are women who want more and more of him, all other things being equal. I make this point well aware that lots of couples don't find the way to regular orgasms for the woman in the first year or even two - or ever - in their marriage. If this is where you two are at, don't give up, don't settle for what you have: aim for the stars with her and for her.

That's my little bit for what it's worth pal. I wish you two well.

Simon.

query said:

In lieu of my usually long version:

Your wife is not attracted at the moment. You are not doing the things that build arousal in a woman. You (and she) probably don't remember or didn't realize what it was at the time that you used to do that she did find attractive.

I am guessing you are, in an effort to get more sex, being especially solicitous, helping around the house, trying to make space for sex to happen. All to no avail?

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This!!!

I tend to not want to have sex when there isn't a connection. No connection + No sex = Downward slope

Really talk with her. Sex is very important in a relationship IMHO. Without it, I feel disconnected and cranky. I've felt that the people who said sex didn't matter were the ones not having sex.

Comebacks from distant behaviors so require work. Are you willing to work?