Humor Thread

A tour bus stops in Runnymede, England, and the guide says it was here that the Magna Carta was signed.

"When did they sign it?" one passenger asks.

"1215," the guide responds.

"Dang! We missed it by 20 minutes."


Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."

I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home

and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I' m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But then I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed ,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

DG Hear said:

FUNNIEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home

and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't
want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the
case, I' m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much
because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing
that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99
price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and
bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But then I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote
ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed ,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell and Free!


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Click to expand...

.

"THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street”.

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and
when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!!!"

For the women

10 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don’t imagine you can change a man - unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

5. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

6. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

7. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books.

10. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you
tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

DG Hear said:

"THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street”.

Finally, I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and
when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!!!"

Click to expand...

"THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:"

Home Depot is giving classes on how to remodel your apartment.

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor. I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"


My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood."How convenient," she said."I can walk to it."

The big bad wolf jumped out from behind the bushes, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood and declared: "I'm going to eat you!"

And she replied: "Jesus Christ, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"

An Indian walks into a Starbucks leading a male buffalo and carrying a shotgun. He orders a coffee, drinks it, shoots the buffalo spraying guts and hide everywhere and walks out.

The next day he returns carrying a shotgun and leading a buffalo and orders a coffee.

"Wait a minute," says the clerk. "We just got this place cleaned up from yesterday. What do you think you're doing?"

"Flying Cloud training to be a congressman," was the reply. "Drink coffee, shoot the bull, make a mess for others to clean up and disappear for the rest of the day."

Handley_Page said:

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

Click to expand...

This is not dissimilar to an old Ogden Nash poem:

I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."

1. Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.
I said, "F**k that - knowing my luck, I'd win one!"


2. Recession beater. Wife says to husband, "If you bicycle to work, we can get rid of the second car."
He replies, "If you would blow me once in a while, we could get rid of the nanny!"


3. Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while?
My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"


4. Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't get offers like that every day.


5. Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this bloke at a party.
In my defense... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.


6. My wife just came in to me and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going - 'cos when you're coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"


7. The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

Okay first post here but just heard this one in a bar last night.

Why is a nine volt battery like a woman's asshole?

Because you know you shouldn't put your tongue in it but keep doing it anyway.

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before...."

Observations about how the world is

If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving isn't for you.

Always remember, it's pillage then burn.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

Vital papers will always demonstrate their vitality by moving where you can't find them.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Perkins Law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

All things being equal; fat people use more soap.

Right now this is as bad as it can get ... but don't bet on it.

One-seventh of life is spent in Mondays.

Facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant to the argument.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

If you can't be kind; be vague.

When the cat's away, there's less hair on the furniture.

Nobody's perfect, and since I'm nobody ...

Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck I'll be at the airport.

A friend in need will turn out to be a nuisance.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If 'clothes make the man', then it follows that naked people have little or no influence on society.

There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.

Things are more like they are today then they have ever been before.

Some great post! Thanks for all the humor.
DG

Success

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ...having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. Not piddling in your pants.

What goes around, comes around.

YoursSINSerely said:

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ...having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. Not piddling in your pants.

What goes around, comes around.

Click to expand...

Well then, I guess I'm not very successful... but I'm not piddling in my pants yet so there's still hope.

my appologies if you've seen this before. . .

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here..' One of the clerks passed out.

If you don't send this to 12 of your dearest friends,you will be depriving them of some good humour.

Hope this wont happen to us


SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and
say"Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at
him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_____________________________________



ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________


OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long
time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________


SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon ,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
M25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of
them!"
_____________________________________


DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was
red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really
concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"


Please !!!!
Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.
The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand an d says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?"

YoursSINSerely said:

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ...having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . .. Not piddling in your pants.

What goes around, comes around.

Click to expand...

When is success finally having sex??? I'm somewhere between having money and a drivers license. LOL
Thanks for posting Sin.

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Jackie leaned over and said,

'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'

'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'

There have been many,
Many times when I may have.
Disturbed you,
Troubled you,
Pestered you,
Irritated you,
Bugged you or got on your nerves with all the humor items I post,

So today I just wanna tell you that...


I PLAN TO CONTINUE !!

DG Hear said:

When is success finally having sex??? I'm somewhere between having money and a drivers license. LOL
Thanks for posting Sin.

Click to expand...

Some of my friends just send clean jokes. I need to talk to them.