New to writing. Would like some feedback on my intro.

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I have, repeatedly, made story-relevant arguments about storytelling. About how tension and narrative are important to a story. I have taken your example and made extrapolations about how that will impact your story. I have given, however you may judge its worth, advice. Others have told you not to listen to haters, or pointed out cases where extremely popular stories/movies have broken basic storytelling rules as an excuse for ignoring them.

The question, now, is Do you want to be told what you want to hear, or do you want someone to call you on your shit?

To be clear, there's nothing wrong with either answer. I personally want to get called on my shit because that's what helps me improve, but a lot of writers write for the feedback because they crave that interaction. They want that praise, and there's nothing wrong with writing to feed the populace.

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electricblue66 said:

I've had good discussions with both 8letters and AwkwardMD, and their writing styles are the complete opposite of mine. I write, for the most part, plotless mood pieces where I'm just evoking something, a mood, a feeling, where back story and motive are irrelevant. They write very linear, heavily plotted works, and motive and back story are vital to them.

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I've read only a few of AwkwardMD's stories, but I think you are describing only my style and not hers.

8letters said:

I've read only a few of AwkwardMD's stories, but I think you are describing only my style and not hers.

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MD's a bit of a plot fiend too, especially compared to me.

She gave me some very thoughtful feedback on one of my Floating World stories, and commented, "but ultimately, nothing happened." To which I replied, "but that's the point. Nothing happened, but didn't it happen beautifully?"

Well, ShyFox, you wanted advice, and you got it. I hope it doesn't scare you away from finishing your story.

I agree with Pilot, both on the details of how it could be changed (e.g., change "pounding" to "pound") and on the use of this type of opening. A lot of stories start in this way. Since you have revealed the brother/sister relationship at the outset, however, you'll have to think about how the rest of your story will create tension and conflict. But there's no reason you can't find some way to do it with this opening. Go ahead and write the story and see how it goes.

Advice about tense: You use the present tense, which a lot of authors do on this site, although it is less common in fiction generally than is the use of the past tense. I don't write stories in the present tense because it lacks the flexibility that past tense has. But it's a legitimate creative choice and some readers/writers of erotica think it heightens the immediacy of the erotic action. If this is a teaser in the present, and the rest of the story will recount events prior to the teaser, then you should write the rest of the story in past tense. And be consistent about the use of tense as you write.

One last thing. I would suggest making the last quote, with the big reveal, a separate paragraph. It's a stylistic choice, but I think doing so would make it stand out more and give the reveal more punch.

SimonDoom said:

Advice about tense: You use the present tense, which a lot of authors do on this site, although it is less common in fiction generally than is the use of the past tense. I don't write stories in the present tense because it lacks the flexibility that past tense has. But it's a legitimate creative choice and some readers/writers of erotica think it heightens the immediacy of the erotic action. If this is a teaser in the present, and the rest of the story will recount events prior to the teaser, then you should write the rest of the story in past tense. And be consistent about the use of tense as you write.

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I was going to mention tense but distracted by other things. To me, stories in present tense sound high schoolish. Past tense sounds much better. A great writer I'm sure could make either work, but I'd advise sticking with what is most likely to work when you're starting out.