Feedback on first submission

I would be very appreciative of any feedback on my story "Secretary Sandy". This was my first post and I would very much like your thoughts. Thank you.

I'll bite.

StoneFreeman, your story would make for a good stroker, but it has one fatal flaw: You have a pretty nice build-up, with her hot-talking him, but you squander it by finishing in half a paragraph, the equivalent of a quick in'n'out. I was expecting a little more than "put it in -> cum -> story's over", especially after that build up.

Technically, there are a lot of small things which annoyed me. There are enough punctuation and capitalization errors in that one page to stand out. Also, you beat the reader to death with Sandy's attributes. By paragraph three I really, really knew that she was of the chubby persuasion. Everything past that, apart for her teasing the boss, was too much. Ironically, said boss didn't receive nearly the same amount of treatment. "A thin sharp looking man in a tailored grey suit". No details on hair, eyes, defining features, no mention if he was attractive or ugly, no reaction from Sandy at all. Either there had to be something about him to get her all that worked up or she was a pretty good liar, but the reader doesn't know any of that. Depending on your reader's mindset, her revulsion or attraction could have made the story quite a bit more interesting.

And a bit more payoff than what you offered would be nice. Too much foreplay, not enough main course.

For your next submission, see if you can find an editor or take the time for another pass yourself. That should clean up the erratic quotation marks and capitalizations.

Thanks, I really appreciate that! I have a story out with an editor now. I think I will continue this and provide more payoff. I get what you about fleshing out all the characters, not just her.