feedback on some erotic coupling stories

3 stories in a kind of series are up right now.
they aren't really continuations, more just the same girl with 3 different encounters.
i feel like my writing is getting better as i go but i know some stuff is a bit rough still. so any feed back is welcome. thanks.

https://www.literotica.com/s/laurie-ch-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/laurie-ch-02-4

https://www.literotica.com/s/laurie-ch-03-1


first story i posted here just to show where i started, not related to these 3 at all.
https://www.literotica.com/s/vegas-7

Laurie Ch. 03

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The salt-and-peppered haired man read the text on his phone again

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Poor opening. What is so interesting about this sentence that pulls me on the journey of your story. Salt&Pepper, you mean like a dirty blond? OK, he is haired, but why is this featuring in your opening? Why is he checking again?

- a few too many commas. Next time you are unsure whether or not a comma is necessary, it isn't.

- For a dialogue heavy story the dialogue is rather tame. It's not bad but it's not reaching for great either. I believe you could punch it up with Shane not getting what he wants (attention, affection, whatever) or vice versa. It read a little like: "How are you?" - "I'm OK" - "That's nice", when as a reader I want "How are you" - "Let's skip the small talk Laurie, I sick of this bullshit. Are you and Jack still a thing" - "No, we're not, but I don't know Shane. I'm not going to give myself up to the first guy who wants me" followed by more drama which sidetracks from the inevitable erotic coupling. Throw in some curveballs, frustrate their desires - give me surprise.

- Generally, you are good at managing the level of detail used and how you describe things.

- I feel as though there is a side of the story you ignored: what were their emotions?

- You need an editor to remove the occasional obscure word, to pull together groups of short sentences and to question you on the scene cohesion.

- You are not a bad writer but you aren't really excelling at anything either. Maybe it's just my preference to read the weird & wonderful, so perhaps you shouldn't feel offended when I say your story felt too ordinary. And it's not just in the kink, it's also in the writing that I didn't find an abundance of interesting descriptions, excessive erotic & sensuous language, a high drama of emotions or something else which makes you a unique and remarkable voice.

myindeeds said:

Poor opening. Salt&Pepper, you mean like a dirty blond? OK, he is haired,

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Not a great opening yourself, so I didn't read further. Salt&Pepper hair universally, and with much common sense and succinctly, signals gray laced in with darker hair. The author, unless it's subsequently revealed that the character is prematurely gray, is establishing a male character in his forties to fifties off the bat.

Not a great opening yourself, so I didn't read further.

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Haha, are you serious? Nice to meet you too sr71plt

Salt&Pepper hair universally

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Sorry, but it doesn't. Even if Asiraphale changed the hair colour to something actually common like "red" or "black"my point still stands, as an opening it's a non-event.

myindeeds said:

Haha, are you serious? Nice to meet you too sr71plt



Sorry, but it doesn't. Even if Asiraphale changed the hair colour to something actually common like "red" or "black"my point still stands, as an opening it's a non-event.

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Have you been living under a rock? Salt = white; pepper = a dark color

In literary terms, giving a character salt and pepper hair can succinctly cover several sentences of description--it can establish both age bracket and personality. It marks someone as self-confident and not vain. In that vein, your showing you don't understand what salt&pepper hair is and what it can convey in a story (and demonstrating that ignorance) just marks you as someone with little or no literary critique skill. Not much skill as a reader either.

https://search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?p=salt+&+pepper+hair&ei=UTF-8&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-003

Thus far, your ability to critique stories has been equal to your demonstrated ability to write them.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3204276&page=submissions

Folks asking for feedback critique here need to be aware that those giving it who can't show why they would have the expertise to give it may know less about writing than the one asking for the critique does.

OK, you have challenged me directly and my reply is : "Don't turn this feedback into a contest of your ego, we are here to discuss the story. Let's say for the sake of your pointless argument that I am a semi-literate retard. So? Then as a reader who is representative of the demographic of retards, I say the story isn't winning. It could have been great with another rewrite or two, but it isn't."

And you, you are one toxic individual. You are the kind of person who gives all feedback and critique the unnecessary negative stigma which amateurs dread. You disgust me. That you would transform the learning tool of amateurs into a hostile arena to satisfy your own petty ego. Leave and only come back when you have the ability to inspire others.

myindeeds said:

And you, you are one toxic individual. You are the kind of person who gives all feedback and critique the unnecessary negative stigma which amateurs dread. You disgust me. That you would transform the learning tool of amateurs into a hostile arena to satisfy your own petty ego. Leave and only come back when you have the ability to inspire others.

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Wow. That was your eighth forum post and you're already disgusted. The curve doesn't project into the future very pleasantly.

myindeeds said:

OK, you have challenged me directly and my reply is : "Don't turn this feedback into a contest of your ego, we are here to discuss the story. Let's say for the sake of your pointless argument that I am a semi-literate retard. So? Then as a reader who is representative of the demographic of retards, I say the story isn't winning. It could have been great with another rewrite or two, but it isn't."

And you, you are one toxic individual. You are the kind of person who gives all feedback and critique the unnecessary negative stigma which amateurs dread. You disgust me. That you would transform the learning tool of amateurs into a hostile arena to satisfy your own petty ego. Leave and only come back when you have the ability to inspire others.

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I gave you a reference on why you were off the wall on the salt&pepper criticism, and you've given . . . nothing beyond putting forth your own ego. So, in the realm of petty egos . . .

Which is just tough. You've established no expertise in anything here, so your critiques are all a big question mark and your ego so far. I'm fine with suggesting that authors go into reading feedback they get with open eyes and discernment, and as you've established no standing and goofed your first time out, I can just shrug at your railing.

You joined Literotica like ten minutes ago, you have eight posts and no stories posted here. Yeah, right, you're a literary guru to Lit. authors.

he did have a good point on the comma's.

all comments are interesting to read. the other stuff he pointed out is alright too, but those just come from a lack of understanding why the stories were written.

the people in them are real people and they were written for her, so details that escape others, she knows exactly what they mean. so on that level its a success.

these are just me cleaning up the originals i wrote for her to see what the greater world thought of them. friends will tell you that your amazing and nothings wrong. so its nice to see stuff pointed out that i did wrong. that's the point. to practice and get better so the non erotic stories/books I'm writing will benefit.

thanks everyone for commenting. the little war was funny to read today =)


edit: oh and salt and pepper does mean someone who's hair has gone half grey through out. I've heard it all my life and just assumed everyone knew it meant dark hair mixed with quite a bit of gray


oh and he looked at it again because he was excited she had invited him over. I assume i'm not the only one that reads back over texts that people have sent me to recapture that feeling the first time you read one that made you feel good

I'm not sure how you know that the comment on commas is valued. No examples are given, And, as a matter of fact, publishing uses more commas than modern letter writing does--to make quite clear to the reader how the sentence should track. I wouldn't suggest you accept a general admonishment to use fewer commas without having been given some examples that you can see and agree with.

As an example, this sentence in the critique doesn't follow publishing standards on commas: "You need an editor to remove the occasional obscure word, to pull together groups of short sentences and to question you on the scene cohesion." Publishing uses the serial comma, so, to follow publishing standards, there should be a comma between "sentences" and "and."

well i'll still put them as i think i need them, but the benefit was that it made me research comma use and read up on it.

asiraphale said:

well i'll still put them as i think i need them, but the benefit was that it made me research comma use and read up on it.

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Where did you research commas? Did you find the serial comma that the critique itself didn't use?

Oh Pilot, mate, leave them alone. Didn't your mother always say "it takes two to argue, but only one to stop"?

Or maybe that was my mum. Sounds like something she'd have said.

electricblue66 said:

Oh Pilot, mate, leave them alone. Didn't your mother always say "it takes two to argue, but only one to stop"?

Or maybe that was my mum. Sounds like something she'd have said.

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Did she say anything about joining in on an argument you were no part of?

These admonishments are a lot more effective and true if posted less than 13 hours after the last comment. Let's see if you'll just stop now.

I looked at ch 1. It's quite good. But it's plain vanilla. There isn't much to make it stand out from all the other stories here. Can you make your stories distinctive or unique?
One little mistake: a few times you write "your" when it should be "you're".