Kinky People in Vanilla Relationships

Hi, I'm here seeking advice.

I'm a switch. I've always been into BDSM-type stuff and probably 95% of the sex I've ever had has involved some form of power play. I decided years ago that I would not date someone whose sexual interests did not involve certain core components of my sexuality - S&M and some form of somebody having power over somebody else.

If there is a god, s/he has a sense of humor, and in the past few months I've managed to fall quite thoroughly in love with someone who has zero interest in such things. It sort of happened by accident - we were friends who developed a strong interest in each other and it reached a point where we said fuck the obstacles, let's date. He's always known I'm kinky, and I've always known he isn't.

I don't want to miss out on being with him, and the idea of asking him for something that is not even remotely his thing squicks me out. But we're both worried that the sex thing isn't going to work. I love sex with him, but I will admit that it's a lot harder to reach orgasm without incorporating elements that he's not into. I often have to mentally reframe things into a kinkier context in order to reach orgasm. He's great at turning me on, but there's definitely a disconnect sexually, and I'm concerned that it could grow into a real problem.

I'm looking for advice from kinky people who have made it work with vanilla partners. He's 100% monogamous and getting my needs met by someone else wouldn't work for us. I love him, and he is my ideal partner in every aspect except for sexual interests -- I've never met anyone remotely close to as compatible. So jumping ship is something I really want to avoid. I also definitely don't want to just try to subsume everything and start to resent him because of it. I guess I'm really just looking for a way to: A. get more satisfaction from vanilla sex and B. deal with my kinky urges in a way that isn't destructive to our relationship.

Any wisdom?

• Get your needs met by someone else. (you say he's monogamous, but to me that only means he doesn't want other partners-- Plenty of couples are perfectly happy with one person practicing poly and the other not)
  
• Or, decide that those aren't needs after all, just wants. (be aware that you might blow up about ten years into your relationship because you've been missing vital components of your own happiness all along)
  
• Or make the request that he do some compromising for you, as you fully expect to do for him.

There's a book out called "when someone you love is kinky" which might be of use to you two.

best of luck!

I wish I knew.

I am in a similar situation. Although we have some more luck over time.

Generally I seem to have to instigate the kinkier side of things. This is a drag for a submissive. She plays along but I having that nagging doubt that comes from continually being the one to buy toys or start the kinkier texts.

I'm very lucky that she doesn't judge or leave me. But we can't always get what we want. You sometimes get what you need.

Hence me wandering about this site looking for an interesting chat.

t_platz4 said:

I am in a similar situation. Although we have some more luck over time.

Generally I seem to have to instigate the kinkier side of things. This is a drag for a submissive. She plays along but I having that nagging doubt that comes from continually being the one to buy toys or start the kinkier texts.

I'm very lucky that she doesn't judge or leave me. But we can't always get what we want. You sometimes get what you need.

Hence me wandering about this site looking for an interesting chat.

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Took years for my wife to start exploring her darker sides and addressing some role play in the bedroom. Started with toys, then some talk, then dirty talk which lead to really dirty talk. I little small talk after sex one day and got us into a little fantasy RP also. Not sure how far she would ever really go but I make it work for me.

And I agree, if I got all I wanted from home I probably would never be here flirting and having fun. As long as I don't cross any lines, I'm pretty much good.

I really like Stella Omega LOL! I'm in more of a vanilla relationship even though apparently I'm more of a dominate, bottom, and masochist. My husband and I compromise and in over 5 years it's gotten better as i've been more open about my needs. We started more tame and have worked our way into more. You love who you love. I was in pretty much the same situation, my husband was my best friend in a completely platonic relationship for a long time before it evolved into something more.

It can be a very tough situation. It sounds like you took the all-important first step of communicating to him about your needs/wants/interests.

You're going to like what you're going to like. The same for him. I think you both have to try to explore the other's likes and find overlaps that will work for you. In other words you'll need to compromise a bit for each other. Trying to get more out of vanilla sex is probably never going to scratch that itch for you, just like being a full bdsm enthusiast won't work for him. However, together with some effort I bet you can find a happy medium that works.

I think communication and openness are key. You sound like you have a very strong relationship and good foundation from which to start. Hopefully in exploring how you can try to fulfill each others needs you'll both gain insight into new and different things that interest you.

Stella_Omega said:

• (be aware that you might blow up about ten years into your relationship because you've been missing vital components of your own happiness all along)
  
• Or make the request that he do some compromising for you, as you fully expect to do for him.

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This post is really wonderful.

I have to say that it took almost exactly ten years for me to realize I am in my own personally created hell being married to someone I knew I wasn't sexually compatible with but moving forward and getting married anyhow. We have great sex...when we have it. His drive is much lower than mine and he thinks it is gross when the mother of his children displays any kind of sexual desire. I would like to have sex 5 times a day. Maybe not as extreme as what you're experiencing but if he is disgusted by kink (I'm kind of catching that vibe from your post. Sorry if I misread) it can really chip away at your self esteem because I really feel a person's sexuality is closely tied to self image and if the one you love is a bit turned off by an integral part of who you are it can negatively affect how you see yourself.

I noticed you talk a lot about compromising who you have always been sexually, but you didn't mention if he is interested in making the same compromises or making some and meeting you halfway. He might actually be open to it if you let him know you don't need him to beat your ass (some vanilla people think that it has to be violent and mean) and maybe explore what he might be interested in doing.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I'm sleepy and not sure if I'm making much sense.

Thank you

Thank you for your post. I can identify a little with what your feeling and it is good for me to see others have similar frustrations. I married a very conservative and religious man. He was my high school sweet heart. The only man I have ever kisses much less had sex with. He is only interested in sex maybe twice a month and hates my big breasts. I always have to keep a shirt on during sex. He has never touched them. I've never had an orgasam during sex. I feel as if I am missing out on so much.

Same thing, except you've got to switch the genders around.
I fell in love with a straight women. I loved her. I loved her more than the scene. I dropped out of the scene to marry her.
I had problems after we married. .......same problem you mentioned..... Hard to get turned on. She was great in bed. My "private" nickname for her was, "The Machine gun." .....because she would climax as long as I "kept my finger on the trigger." Of all my girlfriends, she had the best bod. I loved walking behind her when we left the house in the morning. Watching her walk was a show I could have watched all day.
And after we got married......my sex drive dropped to zip. I couldn't get turned on unless I imagined an SM scene.
We divorced. Another issue beside the sex. (NO Cheating involved) I didn't want to do it. I still loved her. To this day, I still loved her and regret the divorce.
shortstuff83......I think it was worth it. If I had the chance to get back with her, I'd give up the scene in an eye blink. Love - Scene. No comparison in my book. I'll take love any time. That can fill up every minute of the day ......in the middle of an argument it's still there...... It's there when you stop for a slice of pizza. It's there when you go grocery shopping. And it's there when you're at work and waiting to go home. And when you go home, the idea of seeing her in a few minutes just gets stronger and stronger and makes you happier and happier.
But I'll tell you one thing, shortstuff83. That sex problem don't go away. You got to do something about it before you get married. I don't have any good solution to suggest. The one thing I will say is that it is going to be a big problem - not stronger than the love - but a bad problem. Maybe go to counseling? But do something about it before you get married.
PS. Some of the above posts seem to suggest better solutions to the problem than I found. Maybe work out a compromise with him. Having the relationship skill of compromise is a worthy goal in itself. Develop it before you get married-over this issue.

I have been married to my SO for almost 25 years. I have lots of things that I would love to have been a part of our sexual relationship, but I chose a long time ago to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him because our relationship isn't based on just sex.

Every marriage takes a LOT of work from both partners. Every marriage goes through seasons. When children come along, sex drive changes. As the kids get older, opportunities become harder and harder to find for intimate time together. As we have gotten older, our own physical body changes have made things more challenging. We learn to work together. We compromise. We communicate.

You're going to have to choose your priorities and how you see your future. If having your sexual needs met is your number one reason for wanting to get married, you should take that into consideration. If you think you've found your soulmate and want to grow old with this person -- if you can't even imagine spending the rest of your life with anyone else -- you're going to be like me and spend lots of time on the internet.

While I see what Stella is saying, it wasn't the be all/end all for me. The sex isn't earth shattering for me, but in the end, I'm very, very happy. *shrugs*

Endorse what S.O. said.

But you know, a lot of the specifics of this question resolve themselves when you can actually 'see' the specific individuals themselves who are concerned. Although the human being IS capable of so so much more than is typically performed in any given 'life,' few people ever discover their own depths and capabilities.

For those who do not cut the corners of what the natural athletic demands on a human life should be, there await certain outcomes unknown to every one else. And this suppressed 'knowledge' of some people's lives - suppressed form the consciousness of the majority - results in a dogma and an ideological position adopted by the mainstream that goes on too much about 'marriage' and honesty and relationships not ONLY based on sex.

Take one specific individual and look at them closely - they might be slightly unfit, slightly less well-looked after by themselves, slightly dull in their minds, ever so slightly unread, a little bit prejudiced towards self-gloating righteousness, a little bit deprecating towards sex in all of its whole range of possibilities (since these are NOT going to be able to be performed by them) - and yet, they are going to make unearthly, unjustifiable demands upon any partner of theirs about what they are 'owed...'

Viewed at by the children inside that relationship however, the coloured lenses of the child makes little distinction between the usual two natural parents as to which they love; they love them both.

But ignorant - and persisting - common society forces a blurring of the adult intelligent judgment with the judgment of children.

I have a message that I would more or less PREACH to everyone who thinks about this question - look at yourself and make yourself the best version of the 'you' that there can be, across every front...

People's lives are things which unfold, they are not some multiples of 'individual person, set for all time as some unchanging unchangeable identity with all the same outlooks, same likes, wants, prejudices, opinions.'

Unless you got visited by an emissary of god last night, who told you otherwise, then for the greater part of all of humanity it is still made up for people - including you yourself - who have NOT yet understood who you are, what you are, what you can do, what you are even expected to do. And so to assume on your part that you 'know' what is best for the intelligent conscious being, is so much arrant and egocentric and arrogant nonsense.

Of course there are a large number of religious and social moral standpoints and fixed and even formal codes of human behaviour - none of which have the least actual standing in the knowledgeable cosmos. Here's an example of what I mean:

"Do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil."

Now everyone - EVERYONE - knows the meaning of the phrase 'to know, in the biblical sense.' It means to fuck. To have sex with. To be intimate with.

Knowing evil means becoming intimate with it, as much as it seem to be that you have lain with evil as a thing that you love.

'Knowing, in the biblical sense,' several human sex partners just means having sex with several people. Now if you are so indiscriminate that you have sex with just anyone, well you are asking for trouble.

I wouldn't have intimate relationships that verge or actually involve genuine sex with ALL types of people that I might ever meet. I WOULD have intimate relationships with certain people, and each one of them would have to fit into highly specific and quite narrowly-defined criteria.

If a person is likely to be emotionally or psychologically damaged because of a sexual involvement with me, then I would not be available to that person. Because my field of potential partners (already) involves more than one partner, and I have very satisfying actual relationships, it isn't very difficult for me to have some restraint too and my thinking mind is much more powerful than the chemical one.

But... I would not hesitate either, to go down to the early intervention place and do 'blanket swings' for a heavy little kid until my arms nearly dropped off - as part of the duties of someone occupying the role of a citizen of an advanced civilisation's space station hidden on the dark side of the moon. Not that I expect you to believe that such things are really true. Well, not unless you have actually read that part of Plato's Republic in which it lays it all out for everyone to see... You know, wives of guardians held in common at the hymeneals, wetnurses at night so that the female guardians (no sex/gender descrimination here!) won't be deprived of necessary sleep, and both sexes exercising naked in the gymnasia.

Yes, I know that not-pretty people hate this kind of talk, but then, up here there are some fairly average-lookers by many standards too - but then those have simply AMAZING individual talents and skills, honed over many many many lifetimes.

And you don't believe any of this, do you?

Still. You have this hope.

Try a bit harder. One day you might meet me and/or any other one of my kind... And then you at least ought to try to be somewhat ready.

Are you ready? It's no use talking about getting with some super ultra dom/lesbian-bi sub/pony-boy or girl/'or other' unless you're sure you'll know what to do with them when you encounter them!

Folks, remember-- not every longterm relationship will automatically include making babies.

Stella_Omega said:

Folks, remember-- not every longterm relationship will automatically include making babies.

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True. Sometimes not even if you had planned on making babies.
On the other hand, there will be seasons anyway.

It's a really tough call ans Stella summed it up very well.
I try to avoid choises that I fear will make me wonder "what would have happened if" for the rest of my life.

I try to avoid choises that I fear will make me wonder "what would have happened if" for the rest of my life.

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NO matter how much you try to avoid them though...

Stella_Omega said:

NO matter how much you try to avoid them though...

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Yes, I know.

Thanks everybody

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone. With the exception of that weird philosophical treatise by Desiremakesmeweak that I was unable to decipher (was that even about this thread? maybe you were looking for wordpress or xanga or something?), you all gave me things to think about.

I guess at the back of my brain, I was hoping someone would have some magic solution, but that is not a real thing. It's going to be hard. But I do love this guy and we are going to try to make it work.

Stella Omega, I ordered the book you suggested.

He wants a monogamous relationship, and trying to push him into accepting me being poly doesn't feel like a good option to me. We don't want children, so I mean I guess it's mostly ourselves we're risking with this whole thing.

It's kind of a mess and whatever we do there will be rough shit ahead, but I've never loved anyone like this so I'm definitely not planning to jump ship.

I'd still be totally open to ideas on how to enjoy vanilla sex more, as a kinky person. Or just, you know, making it work. If anyone has any more thoughts?

You said it: 'magical solution...'

Hm, enjoying vanilla sex more is a tricky thing. I used to just play a scene in my head to help bring me to orgasm. I'm lucky because my husband doesn't have a preference for kinky, he also doesn't have a problem with me liking it. So he goes with what I like sometimes.

I like servicing so to get me really turned on I often just "service" him. I take pleasure in doing whatever I can for him. While we were kink free he could tell that I was struggling to be turned on, like I really had to work at it. He wasn't happy about that. When we tried some things, light bondage, spanking, etc. he noticed a huge difference it made for me. Perhaps your SO needs to see how it affects you.

Otherwise, self bondage while he's away is something. I did a little of this and it helped give me good feelings for when he was home. Just be safe

More talking should be done, it's going to put a strain on the relationship if you try to hide vanilla sex not working for you. The occasional kinky stuff made vanilla sex 10x better for me. Perhaps you could have a special sometimes arrangement. Hope things work out for you.

My vanilla husband and I have been together for 17 years. It took him a while, but in the last year or two he has started to embrace the idea of a little kink. An active imagination and being willing to "self-service" may be very useful to you. Maybe in time you can approach kinky things in playful, tiny steps and build up his tolerance. You may also want to talk about what turns him off entirely and why so that you don't accidentally push in the wrong direction and ruin a moment. Give it time. It can work.

shortstuff83,
I think you got your magical solution.
When you said, 'I guess at the back of my brain, I was hoping someone would have some magic solution, but that is not a real thing. It's going to be hard. But I do love this guy and we are going to try to make it work," you took a realistic approach to solving the problem. You know it's going to be hard and take work, and identified a damn good reason to tackle it. A mature understanding of what's facing you and the reasons to do it is the best foundation to finding a solution.
When you said, "but I've never loved anyone like this so I'm definitely not planning to jump ship," you had all the magic you need. Falling in love is all the magic people need in their lives.

I think you have to meet in the middle somewhere. It doesn't have to be in the exact middle.

I have the same sort of problem but arrived here from the opposite end. Let me explain...

When my wife and I first met, we engaged in all sorts of sex from sweetly romantic to super-kinky. We even made our own fetish gear since the stuff on the market then was either cheaply made, hellishly expensive or both.

Fast-forward eighteen years and one child later. If we have sex at all, I have to initiate it and it ranges from sweetly romantic to uninspired vanilla. Any time I broach the subject of maybe feeding my need once in a while, she gets mad. She says things like, "Why can't you be happy with normal sex? Why do you have to make it weird? That's the sort of thing you do with a one night stand, not the father of your children!"

The last statement I really don't understand. I've tried explaining that BDSM is all about trust and I don't trust anyone in the world as much as I trust her. I couldn't imagine sharing my darkest fantasies with anyone else, blah, blah, blah. She is completely unmoved.

The bottom line is that life is complicated and sex is only part of the equation. We have a great life and a great kid and I'm not willing to risk all of that to scratch an itch. Instead, I read and I write, I flirt and I lurk, and I wait.

My advice it to be open about your needs. If he wants to branch out and try something different, it could be great. If he doesn't, you have to be honest with yourself. Is kink something that you can live without? Is there another way you can get your fix that is mutually acceptable?

Understand that you might not be right when you answer those questions. Life changes and you might find years later that it's not something you can be happy without. The only decision now is, do you go forward in the relationship not knowing what the future holds (no one ever does) or do you move on, looking for what you think you want.

Life ain't easy. If it was, everyone would do it.

Yeah, but any of you have a SO who doesn't/has never masturbated? That's something I'll never understand about her.

I am in a similar situation. Mister is vanilla, where as I have developed other interests over the years. He has no problems with oral, thankfully and we occasionally have some anal play. What I'd love is for him to take control in the bedroom. It's just not him. Occasionally he'll break out some restraints, but it's not the same when you know he isn't into it at all. Add that to his declining interest with age and occasional performance problems....it's rather sad. But I do love him.......and I masturbate a lot.....and chat with some like minded friends.... and I read and write a lot of erotica....but we've been together for many years and have children together. So I just think of kinky things when I need to in order to orgasm. I've been open about my needs for a couple of years and keep trying to find a true kinky happy place. My love for him is greater than my need for some kink....and that says a lot. Just keep communication lines open.

Sexy_NArkansas said:

Thank you for your post. I can identify a little with what your feeling and it is good for me to see others have similar frustrations. I married a very conservative and religious man. He was my high school sweet heart. The only man I have ever kisses much less had sex with. He is only interested in sex maybe twice a month and hates my big breasts. I always have to keep a shirt on during sex. He has never touched them. I've never had an orgasam during sex. I feel as if I am missing out on so much.

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All I can think of to say is "I am so sorry." Best of luck to you. That would be an intolerable situation for me. I hope you find what you are looking for.