Hope my fragile ego can take it.

Naaaah. I am too narcissistic to worry.

A little background. I have mostly written stories for my lovers. I then came across another site, which led me to this one. After reading a bunch, I figured I could do at least as good as many.

I did have to refresh a few grammatical concepts. Amazing how corporate communications messes with you.

You'll likely find that most of what I will write leans toward "Erotic Couplings" - maybe a mundane thing. That's just me. No matter, I do intend on making further submissions and would like to improve my craft.

So, I submit for adoration/flagellation, "A Gangster's Moll".

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-gangsters-moll

JLCC said:

Naaaah. I am too narcissistic to worry.

A little background. I have mostly written stories for my lovers. I then came across another site, which led me to this one. After reading a bunch, I figured I could do at least as good as many.

I did have to refresh a few grammatical concepts. Amazing how corporate communications messes with you.

You'll likely find that most of what I will write leans toward "Erotic Couplings" - maybe a mundane thing. That's just me. No matter, I do intend on making further submissions and would like to improve my craft.

So, I submit for adoration/flagellation, "A Gangster's Moll".

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-gangsters-moll

Click to expand...

I read a paragraph before I went blind. My eyes protect me from crap.

JLCC, ignore the troll and someone more helpful will eventually come along.

* I do not like author warnings at the start of a story but c'est la vie!

* I do not like any tropes or cliches unless they have been thoroughly understood or subverted. Private Dick as a hard boiled detective, c'mon. For starters I think you needed a better name. Another famous detective is Sam Spade: two short and simple names, and together they are catchy which is what you want for a rapid fire noir with action(sex). [before others comment - this story isn't noir]

* At first I wasn't a fan of your style of the writing, but after awhile it grew on me because it felt like it fit with the character. So good work.

* Are you afraid of the word "said"? Don't be, it is almost invisible to the reader and it helps distinguish the speakers. Also, sometimes it is unclear if there is unanswered dialogue or an internal monologue.

* So he goes to her fancy house and immediately seduces her with an icecube. OK, But I think you are skipping a conversation or two of foreplay.

* [important] Not enough conflict
- What is stopping your characters from attaining their goals of love, sex and avoiding the potential for harm. Nothing: she melts for him literally, and the external gangster threat never materialises even if it was a credible threat in the first place.
- Is there a time pressure or other need which means the conflicts must be resolved? None.
- What happens if they characters fail to get what they want? Nothing.
- Did the conflict force the characters into action? Nope. They walked into the sex because they did.
- What does the conflict make the characters learn about themselves? Nil.
I can see you can write foreplay, but there is no anxiety that there will be anything but a safe sexual ending for the two main characters.

And some other minor annoyances:

* "Michelle began to think" - wait wut? Was she previously a brain-dead zombie? I'm sorry, but a lot of us take things too literally (you get free pass exception for intense scenes). Similar problem using the word thought and other "thinking" verbs: they are too nebulous. You are not a big offender so don't worry, but I do think your editor should pick these up words.

* Epilogue was an anticlimax, deleting it would make the story better. Find Kurt Vonnegut's story curves with google. TLR characters go through ups and downs but at the end of a "boy meets girl" story they are better off somehow. That is the usual plot progression unless you were building a noir-like series where each encounter the gangster's moll brings a new set of rewards & challenges (Eg. Hamlet or The Sopranos).

*~*~*~

* Why did I use *~*~*~ ? I have no idea, and it wasn't necessary because I am not partitioning two entirely different scenes.

* Only one question mark or one exclamation mark is ever needed, anything else is obscene.

* Your story isn't as bad as the rating suggests. Maybe the Erotic-Couplings crowd secretly only want rapid-fire Romances. I don't know. You do have the sensuality in your writing to succeed with lesbian erotica, maybe try again there.

* I think it is better to place your warning at the end before your reader is about to abuse you with comments. It is possible that a reader may miss the problems you state in the intro[I did]. If you state it in the intro they will look for these errors.

Thanks litmlove. I certainly didn't expect that level of commentary.

"* At first I wasn't a fan of your style of the writing, but after awhile it grew on me because it felt like it fit with the character. So good work."

Right on! The story was recently originally written for a flirty friend who wouldn't give me direct inspiration so I drew bits from our conversations. I was going for whimsy.

Probably as a beginner writer, I struggle with ensuring the reader knows exactly where I am in the story. I will apply your comments re. "said" and "~*~*~*" to an upcoming incest story I am reworking.

" You do have the sensuality in your writing to succeed with lesbian erotica"

That is bizarre, but insightful after a fashion when I give it further thought about myself and how I perceive sex.

As for, relationship development, conflict, and other aspects: good points. Maybe I watch too much porn.

I did not read the sex part, but I wanted to stop and say I think you handled the parody of Sam Spade, et al, very well. Again, like some of the others, I was slow on the uptake, but once I suspended disbelief, I got hooked. Some may have thought your story a straight imitation, but I don't think so, more of a gentle satire, I think. Good job there.

yes, I felt that the sex developed pretty quickly, but well, some folks are fast and some are HALf-FAST.

Thanks for your time robertreams.

"...more of a gentle satire, I think."

Satire and parody weren't my explicit intent though I knew I wasn't versed in the era enough for a deep dive. This and other stories i have are probably like porn scripts. Sometimes, I have been too frickin' horny when I've been writing.

What I have realized is that writing for lovers already has a background between the two of us. The stories are simply fodder for arousal and wet pussies. I have one "mature" story, for instance, that has some implied background but will benefit from some pre-encounter development.

I really liked this, the cadence and storyline are familiar so it didn't need a lot of background. Even though he is a carbon copy of a p.i. he was likeable. Ironically, I was enjoying the story and was waiting for the actual investigation when the sex happened. It took me a second to realize that this wasn't a mystery story but a sexual encounter story. That being said the sex was great, humor, fun, predictability, all the things that made this an easy read. I thought the ending was too quick though. It made it seem like this was just about sex and after that the rest of the story...why bother. I wish a few more paragraphs would have been written to talk about the investigation, just to wrap things up without the feeling of abruptness. If you bring him back for another case, I would love to read it.

Thanks, ice princess.