Okay, roast me again

Tell me how much my story sucks... again.

NOTE: This is supposed to be part 1 of 3. The next portion, Part 2 of 3 had been uploaded.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-random-hotel-meet

And part 2 is now online!

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-random-hotel-meet-ch-02

KayceeCharles said:

Tell me how much my story sucks... again.

NOTE: This is supposed to be part 1 of 3. The next portion, Part 2 of 3 had been uploaded.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-random-hotel-meet

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I actually thought it was pretty good, so I can't roast you.

One thing..."oriental". This word is considered outdated, offensive. Asian is the appropriate term.

Other than that, I think you have a decent story line. I'm not into action type stories but I am intrigued enough to wonder what happens next.

Strangely, I've never noticed that little problem regarding "oriental" as I am of Asian descent.

KayceeCharles said:

Strangely, I've never noticed that little problem regarding "oriental" as I am of Asian descent.

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Interesting. I got full-on "roasted" when I said it one time. I'm talking having someone scream at me. I googled it when I got home and apparently, it's thing. Your story, your choice.

It's not crucial. I'll await a bit more feedback before making any changes.

Eva_Star said:

One thing..."oriental". This word is considered outdated, offensive. Asian is the appropriate term.

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Be careful with absolute statements like that.

Different countries, different cultural reactions. In some places of Australia, for example, "Asian" can be used in highly offensive manner (we have a recently elected white Australia supremacist throwback who regularly offends, by subverting the language). A lot depends on context.

Sounds like Kaycee is well qualified to sort it out, for her cultural place, for her writing.

electricblue66 said:

Sounds like Kaycee is well qualified to sort it out, for her cultural place, for her writing.

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Hehehe. You're gonna get an earful!

electricblue66 said:

Be careful with absolute statements like that.

Different countries, different cultural reactions. In some places of Australia, for example, "Asian" can be used in highly offensive manner (we have a recently elected white Australia supremacist throwback who regularly offends, by subverting the language). A lot depends on context.

Sounds like Kaycee is well qualified to sort it out, for her cultural place, for her writing.

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As I stated in my second post, her story, her choice. I just know that after getting screamed at for 10 minutes for using the word and the subsequent research I did, I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. I was basically called every name in the book...and I had NO idea that people found it offensive.

You are a masochist kaycee! OK, if you insist.
Too many mistakes (she heard him got up)
Too many ...
Too many flashbacks.
Too many phrases in Spanish repeated in English.
I don't find the sex scenes very erotic, because they are so short. His tongue touches her pussy and 3 lines later she comes and it's all over. If she is so grateful to him, she could have expressed her gratitude more explicitly.

Sorry, but you did ask!

Yes, I asked for a roast. I need a continuity checker.

The flashbacks I'll have to think about. I may have been going for "she's got a world in her own head" vibe in part 1 because of her circumstances. There are no more flashbacks in part 2.

As for spanish vs. english, I can't assume everybody speaks spanish.

And yes, I know my sex scenes are short as check. It was abbreviated due to her injury, I guess. There's a slightly longer in part 2 and hopefully they'll get to a safe place to do it properly in part 3.

But let me see what I can do.

Oh, this story is actually awesome!

KC – you kindly offered feedback on my story so it’s only fair I return the favour. It isn’t really my style to 'roast' but I’ve tried my best .

I think you’ve got some talent. Certainly keep writing and I suspect you will improve quickly. Sadly, at this stage, I don’t feel you have the tools to do a story like this justice. I see what you’re shooting for here and I imagine many reading the story will imagine a scene from Narcos or something similar (I certainly did). But that’s the problem. With A+ material like that fresh in the mind, to see someone doing a poor imitation rankles (not that it’s your intention to imitate but Narcos must’ve provided some inspiration?). It’s a little like X Factor when someone comes on and does a poor cover of a really good singer. Not that your story is ‘poor’ per se. I actually like the premise. But there are too many mistakes and moments where I need to suspend belief for me to feel you’ve done this justice.

Before I talk about the mistakes, can I just say, and it might just be me, but I feel like I’ve just been introduced to this character and I’m suddenly whisked off into her escape attempt when, to be honest, I’m not that bothered about whether she escapes or not. I should be rooting for her, willing her on but I was kinda ‘meh’ about it. Personally, I would’ve given a little more backstory and some actual scenes with Rodrigo showing what a brute he is and why she feels compelled to escape. You told us a bit about that in the beginning but I would’ve liked to see it for myself, so as to feel invested in the character. This chapter should've been around one and a half or two lit pages.

As far as your mistakes are concerned I won’t go into all of them, there are far too many. I’m guessing English isn’t your mother tongue and I’m pretty sure you didn’t use an editor? I suggest using one going forward (though that’s rich coming from me as I also self-edit…). Your second sentence looks like a mistake and there’s no excuse for that. The thing is, I kept being taken out of the story. This is especially frustrating when you’re supposed to be really ramping up the tension of her escape attempt. In the short space between leaving the bedroom and sneaking out past the guard, I counted about five mistakes. Too many at such a crucial point.

Some of your sentences are a little clunky and take me out of the story a bit, e.g. “She had a perfectly normal middle-upper class life until she was noticed by some thug on the street, and her parents gave her up when the Mafioso enforcer came to her house asking for her hand, and her family did not dare refuse.” That should probably be two sentences rather than one. A small thing but it will improve your flow (and I say that as someone prone to using longer sentences!).

I found it convenient that she bumps into Mr. Lin so fortuitously like that, but ok, creative license (personally, I would've introduced him much later). Her immediate need for a shower however, with all the commotion going on outside the room…sorry, not buying it. Feeling dirty and abused, sure. But she’s also feeling vulnerable so stripping naked so quickly, which would likely make her feel more vulnerable, feels forced. Similarly, I think it’s ridiculous that she pleads with Mr. Lin to make love to her. The commotion outside the room (which incidentally we hear nothing more about), the pain she’s in which has just been described to the reader…it feels wholly unrealistic. As for the sex scene itself, I feel like it could’ve been super hot…if not for your mistakes (and the fact that I’m already telling myself ‘not buying this’).

Your use of flashbacks feels unnecessary. It goes back to my earlier point. You could’ve just shown us some of Rodrigo’s thuggery in order to set up her escape. It feels like you’ve done things the wrong way around.

I made to the end but I wasn’t really interested in the story much and I haven’t read part two. I think you’ve got a really great little tale on your hands but you need to do more to make it compelling.

Writing tip: Try varying your sentence structure and avoid starting so many sentences with the personal pronoun "she".

She distantly felt someone turned off the water. She felt gentle hands carefully picked her up, and carried her to the bed. She felt a warm hand held up her hand, palm up, and something dropped onto her palm. She opened her eyes to look wearily. Three white pills. She looked for him and found him handing her a cup of water. She heard but did not understand what he said. She tossed those into her mouth like a robot, took a sip from the offered glass to wash them down, and closed her eyes. Her mind slowly The hands tucked her into bed, pulled the comforter over her, gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

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Here's some ideas on how to rewrite the section to make it flow better:

Someone turned off the water; a pair of gentle hands carefully picked Juliana up and carried her to the bed. A warm hand placed something in her palm. Juliana opened her weary eyes and saw three white pills. He returned a moment later with a cup of water and said something to her which she did not understand. Juliana tossed the pills into her mouth like a robot, took a sip of water to wash them down, and closed her eyes. Caring hands tucked her into bed, pulled the comforter over her, and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead as she drifted off to sleep.

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Thanks for the feedback so far.

@Scandilove -- I have NOT watched Narcos, but I've actually lived in Colombia. So any plot similarity / inspiration to Narcos is purely coincidental.

And no, English was NOT my first language. My prose can use a lot of improvement, obviously.

And no, I've yet to engage the use of an editor. Need to finish part 3! (Which should conclude the present adventure)

I am not sure about starting with Rodrigo's thuggery. That is basically rape and I think that may set the wrong tone of the story. The sex in the story, IMHO, is about Juliana's ability to feel and love again. Let me think that over.

Mr. Lin was actually assigned to that hotel. It's NOT as fortuitous as you think, at least in my mind. That's why Jimena was able to find him next morning. (In my mind, Lin was assigned by DEA to spy on Rodrigo. He didn't plan on Juliana escaping and decided it's easier taking her instead of infiltrating Rodrigo's perimeter)

@Dream_operator -- thank you, was too busy writing it to notice the pattern. Can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak.