the marks of a slave

eastern sun said:

Is balance the goal? Is there a goal?

What is the goal?

Where is the goal?

Where did it go?

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ES, your post always make me think.

I thought I had a goal, now I wonder if I did the right thing. Was staying, knowing the truth, better than listening to the silence night after night? Was staying, knowing I wasn't wanted or loved the way I should be, better than trying to find out who I really am inside?

I thought I knew, now...I'm not so sure.

redslady said:

ES, your post always make me think.

I thought I had a goal, now I wonder if I did the right thing. Was staying, knowing the truth, better than listening to the silence night after night? Was staying, knowing I wasn't wanted or loved the way I should be, better than trying to find out who I really am inside?

I thought I knew, now...I'm not so sure.

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eastern sun said:

I don't know, redslady. I don't know.

I made the decision and commitment to stay when I was so young I didn't have a clue what I was really making a commitment to.

In the years since, I've often wondered how my life might have been different if leaving were an option. But, it has always been discomfort and pain that have pushed me into new areas of growth.

There is no life without pain and unhappiness. Without loneliness and bitterness. Without sadness and anger. And what I've learned in staying, is that the only "real" problem is getting stuck in one of those negative states. Feeding it on a daily basis with the narratives that create our interpretations of "what's going on."

There are situations that people need to leave. I have tried to help my friends leave abusive marriages. One did. And one died. But I don't think either were victims. I know my friends were party to their own suffering.

Please forgive me, redslady, if I'm speaking out of turn. I know you were in a very difficult situation. And I really don't want to suggest that you caused your own pain. Not at all.

I just think there can be value in staying. There are lessons to be learned there. Just as there would be lessons to be learned in going.

It's not what we have, but what we do with what we have, that matters.

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ecstaticsub said:

I am stuck in one of those negative states now. I know what once attracted him to me was my always positive attitude. My happiness made him happy especially when he was feeling down. Now I feel like I am overwhelmed with life's problems which makes me more negative which makes me less attractive, which makes me even sadder...and on and on it cycles down. I used to be able to fake happiness which would then make him happy which would help me. But it is not working anymore.

Reading this thread helps me feel not so alone.

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eastern sun said:

I don't know, redslady. I don't know.

I made the decision and commitment to stay when I was so young I didn't have a clue what I was really making a commitment to.

In the years since, I've often wondered how my life might have been different if leaving were an option. But, it has always been discomfort and pain that have pushed me into new areas of growth.

There is no life without pain and unhappiness. Without loneliness and bitterness. Without sadness and anger. And what I've learned in staying, is that the only "real" problem is getting stuck in one of those negative states. Feeding it on a daily basis with the narratives that create our interpretations of "what's going on."

There are situations that people need to leave. I have tried to help my friends leave abusive marriages. One did. And one died. But I don't think either were victims. I know my friends were party to their own suffering.

Please forgive me, redslady, if I'm speaking out of turn. I know you were in a very difficult situation. And I really don't want to suggest that you caused your own pain. Not at all.

I just think there can be value in staying. There are lessons to be learned there. Just as there would be lessons to be learned in going.

It's not what we have, but what we do with what we have, that matters.

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No need to apologize, I know exactly what you are saying. For me staying really wasn't the best thing for my health. I know I did the right thing, just sometimes it's lonely, even when it's right.

eastern sun said:

I think taking care of your own health is extremely important. Sometimes it's hard to know what psychological issues need to be addressed. But it's pretty straightforward when it comes to keeping this body healthy.

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sweepthefloor said:

I think that if we take care of the body, the mind will be cared for by default because it is a part of the body. It is all one big leaky bag of protoplasm, emotions included.

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eastern sun said:

I agree with you, sweeping beauty. . . .

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eastern sun said:

Now I want to rename myself "sunny de light."

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eastern sun said:

A slave's resentment is a poisonous tincture. Caustic, gear-jamming, weakening, corrosive. The work gets done, but its flavor is destroyed, its foundation is shaky, its perfume is sticky. Resentment flows like a slow burning acid into every joint, every action, every word; so that even the most carefully designed offering holds the seeds of its own destruction.

A master's resentment is equally damaging. Gifts are laden with the weight of obligation, critical eyes cast bitter observations. Like self-fulfilling prophecies, requests are made that can never be fulfilled, and salt is ground into the wound. Resentment flows like icy venom into every glance, every comment; so that even the most carefully designed expectation holds the seeds of its own disappointment.

So why do we linger here? In the throes of resentment. Which one of us will move first?

We mirror each other, ugly in our reflections. And avoid seeing ourselves in the others' eyes.

And I know, as I have always known, that just the slightest movement to one side or the other will make a difference. Just the slightest willingness to change our behavior will change the circumstances in which we meet each other's gaze.

So I pledge, here, in this place of public pledging, that I will make the move. I will stop crying in my head that I have been wronged, and that - in being wronged - I am therefore absolved of all responsibility to be right myself.

I will simply be right.

I will stop mirroring resentment. I will stop letting it course through my veins. I will stop nursing my convictions that I have been wronged. I will stop telling myself stories in which I am the victim.

I will start telling myself stories in which I am the creator of my experience. I will start building a foundation of contentment and hope. I will share my love and joy with the people around me. I will breathe deeply and feel the courage in my veins.

I will stop mirroring resentment.

I will start mirroring love.

And if it takes a flock of parrots on a windy city street to show me what love is, then I will seek out the parrots, and I will feed them my crumbs, because I can choose the mirror I am looking in.

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ecstaticsub said:

This sounds familiar. I often am resentful that I have to be the one making the move. But I also know that it is the only way to move forward. I don't know why I get so stubborn and dig my heels in. If I am the one who makes the moves then we go back to calmness and peace.

I know I will eventually every time. By now I should know better not to wait so long, to make the move much earlier.


Thanks for the reminder

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BluebirdDreams said:

Eastern Sun, thank you and thanks to your owner, for this thread. I'm only on page six or so but I'll be reading a bit more each day (I feel like I'm really late to the show trying to catch up on all the juicy threads on this forum!)

I was in tears for several of those pages. This after a long day of feeling resentful and overworked and wallowing in self-pity mode. I just don't WANT to do the dishes and the kids are driving me bananas. But while some people find comfort in little magnets and plaques that proudly display phrases of insight and inspiration... I find comfort in the comments here by you and by others.

Too bad most of the comments are too long for magnets.

Edit for a PS... have you considered starting a blog or tweeting your moments and insights? I'd /follow for sure.

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mitchell67 said:

http://brooklynparrots.com/uploaded_images/big-parrot-flock3-756830.jpg

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eastern sun said:

My leash just got very short.

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ecstaticsub said:

Does that make you calmer, frustrated or what?

I have mixed feelings when mine gets shorter...and tighter.

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eastern sun said:

I love it.

For all these reasons . . . it makes "things" simpler. It makes me feel connected. It tightens my focus, and focusses my energy. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me practice discipline. It sharpens my purpose. It eroticizes my life. It brings out the qualities I like in him. It increases our interactions. It makes me feel good. It heightens my appreciation and respect for him, because I witness his intelligent action. It heightens my appreciation and respect for myself, because I'm more likely to act esteem-ably, and less likely to act on my impulses. It makes him look at me in a way that I find irresistible. It is binding and undeniable.

If I didn't like a short leash, I wouldn't choose to be slave.

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eastern sun said:

I love it.

For all these reasons . . . it makes "things" simpler. It makes me feel connected. It tightens my focus, and focusses my energy. It makes me feel wanted. It makes me practice discipline. It sharpens my purpose. It eroticizes my life. It brings out the qualities I like in him. It increases our interactions. It makes me feel good. It heightens my appreciation and respect for him, because I witness his intelligent action. It heightens my appreciation and respect for myself, because I'm more likely to act esteem-ably, and less likely to act on my impulses. It makes him look at me in a way that I find irresistible. It is binding and undeniable.

If I didn't like a short leash, I wouldn't choose to be slave.

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ecstaticsub said:

I guess I have mixed feelings about it because of how I feel when the inevitable loosening occurs.

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eastern sun said:

Yeah, I know what you mean. To this day, I still think that things have changed when the loosening occurs.

But he said, just yesterday, "I don't change. The things that I want don't change," and left it to me to puzzle out why I perceive changes where they don't - in fact - exist.

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