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My life is miserable - Thoughts from a sub

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Tristan861

Experienced
Joined
Oct 30, 2017
Posts
36
Im sitting right now in my car I just wanna share my feelings to a bunch of strangers...Dont ask me why!
I feel depressed / miserable I think that it doesnt matter if I die because I know my life will be shitty forever.
Im an extreme submissive to women with strong foot fetish I cant have vanilla relationship I cant have sex in the normal way I tried alot and I failed..I only get hard when I feel humialted specially under a domme feet.

All the dommes I have met are sluts who do this only for money most of them are not even true dominant.. I had a D/S relationship with some woman who happened to be a true sadist/domme..I was so happy with her I fell in love with her and I was devoted for her..but recently I discovered that she cheats on me and she does sessions with other guys. Now my heart is broken I know its very hard ro find a true dominant who would commit a BDSM relationship.

I want to talk about another thing which is I just hate the idea that some women take advantage of the need of the the submissive and take high rates of money per 1 hr for the sessions to do what the submissive need and like I said before they are not even true dommes they just want cash....Why?? We dont need more suffering!!

My point is I as a sub suffer from my twisted desires besides, I cant do normal sex..so ...I dont know I just want to end my post with Mike Tyson quote:

I'll never be happy. I believe I'll die alone. I would want it that way. I've been a loner all my life with my secrets and my pain. I'm really lost, but I'm trying to find myself. I'm really a sad, pathetic case. My whole life has been a waste. I've been a failure. I just want to escape.

Thanks for letting me share
 
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I will advice you the same thing I advice in every similar thread.

Do not try to solve your problem by finding a DOMINANT. That rarely works for a relationship.

Instead, find a girlfriend. Date her. Like her. Be interested in her as a friend and as a woman. Make sure to be genuine, so she has a chance to be interested in YOU, not your invented persona.

Then open up to her and tell her about your fascination with feet. Discuss it, make it work. If she's completely not into it - well, find someone else.

Also if you really are having trouble having sex without humiliation - perhaps it's time to visit a doctor. Even hardcore dominants will want simple sex in their bed from time to time.

I am very sorry that you are feeling down, but then again you've chased yourself into this corner. Now it's time to man up and fix your shit. You may be thrice submissive, that doesn't mean that you are justified to become a dependent emo-person who needs a dominant to guide him through life. Good submissives are all capable to live their own life independently and make their own decisions. No one's attracted to incompetence and inability to stand on your own - that's a problem entirely separate from submission or dominance.

You may cry a bit, hug a pillow, eat a bunch of ice-cream - whatever gets you through it. I personally don't believe that doing those things after breakup is exclusively female prerogative. Only remember that even girls eventually wipe their tears, put on a new makeup and go in search of a new date, like you should.

And remember - a date. A girlfriend. A soulmate. NOT a Domme. And definitely NOT for any money. If she's not interested in you for free - you will only get heartbroken again. If a woman is interested in a relationship with you, even - and especially! - if she's a dominant by nature, she will NOT start said relationship by demanding any tributes. In fact, many women nowadays will refuse any monetary gifts outright - even paying for dinner is often not accepted.

p.s. calling women "sluts" when you are yourself only interested in their dominant persona - in other words only sexuality - is a bad tone. In fact it's always a bad tone.
p.p.s. You are deluding yourself if you think you've fallen inlove. That was passion, not love.
 
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Telling someone to man up and that he is not a good submissive sucks, too.
 
Why? That's what people DO when they encounter problems. You can't always spare people's feelings completely. Sometimes it's better to say things.

Nothing good will come out of NOT pointing out people's failures.
 
Clearly what you have been doing is not working for you.

Now I am no expert on fetishes but I do know that they generally come about at some point in our lives when we are sort of just learning about sex. Something arouses us and we equate the arousal with the object or body part or whatever. We may not remember it as such. And even if you were to sit down and give it a long, hard think, you may not be able to come up with that incident.

I also know that most people do not want to be the object of the fetish. I recently saw a Facebook post from a female friend. She's very attractive if you are into larger women with huge breasts that like to wear a lot of makeup. To me she is very high maintenance and pretty much the opposite of me but some people are into that.

She has issues because she seems to attract men of two types. The first type that will tell her something about how it's a shame that she's so large because she has such a pretty face. These guys still seem to want to have sex with her but they have no romantic interest.

The other type is attracted to her because of her body size. They simply want a large woman. This annoys her and she tells them that she does not want to be their fetish.

For this reason, I have always shied away from men with an obvious fetish. I would always think that they didn't really care about me but only cared about my _____. Now it is possible that some guy I was with did have some sort of a fetish but never vocalized it. But if they did, it wasn't the type of fetish that required them to have or do a certain thing each time we had sex.

I could be wrong but I feel that you are probably not going to find a romantic partner with a fetish that is that strong. I think you are either going to have to address it and try to change it or at least try to tone it down. You may need to get professional help to be able to do that.

Have you tried having vanilla sex while visualizing your fetish? That can work for some people. In fact a lot of people do visualize something else while having sex. They let their mind wander to fantasies.

I have dabbled in BDSM but it was never a lifestyle for me and it never would be. I just couldn't get into that. I do "get" the pleasure/pain thing. And I can visualize doing things or having things done to me that in reality, I would likely never do. As for the humiliation part, I can't get it myself. I once had a guy ask me to write him a story including certain types of humiliation. I did write that story but just writing it made me feel bad. I know that I could never do that to a person. So I had to tell him that I could not write him any more stories that involved that.

I don't want to come off sounding like I am lecturing you. I know we are all different and I know that we all like and dislike different things. But... It seems like for you, this fetish is beginning to cause problems. So the most obvious solution to me would be for you to somehow try to change this fetish or at least deal with it in a different light.
 
Nezhul said:
Why? That's what people DO when they encounter problems. You can't always spare people's feelings completely. Sometimes it's better to say things.

Nothing good will come out of NOT pointing out people's failures.
Click to expand...

Agree but I wouldn't necessarily look at this situation as a failure. But then, I try to put a positive spin on everything. I would look at it more like a wake up call. As in... Hello! This isn't working. Try to do something differently.
 
Jada59 said:
I also know that most people do not want to be the object of the fetish. I recently saw a Facebook post from a female friend. She's very attractive if you are into larger women with huge breasts that like to wear a lot of makeup. To me she is very high maintenance and pretty much the opposite of me but some people are into that.

She has issues because she seems to attract men of two types. The first type that will tell her something about how it's a shame that she's so large because she has such a pretty face. These guys still seem to want to have sex with her but they have no romantic interest.

The other type is attracted to her because of her body size. They simply want a large woman. This annoys her and she tells them that she does not want to be their fetish.
Click to expand...
Attraction to anything is a fetish. Some guys will be attracted to your eyes, or a smile, or a profile of your face. The color of your hair, the size of your breasts and/or the figure overall. Physical attraction is fetishist by default.

Some people get attracted to large people, but because this is more rare we call it a "fetish" out loud.

Do tell your friend to consider this. If someone is attracted to her figure, whatever it is - it's not so different from other guis. For example I really adore petite women with small fragile frames and small breasts. My friend likes women with wide hips and very big breasts. Pamella Anderson is totally his type (was, when she was younger). You could say that my attraction is not a speck different from someone else attracted to fuller figures. She should give those guys a chance.

For this reason, I have always shied away from men with an obvious fetish. I would always think that they didn't really care about me but only cared about my _____. Now it is possible that some guy I was with did have some sort of a fetish but never vocalized it. But if they did, it wasn't the type of fetish that required them to have or do a certain thing each time we had sex.
Click to expand...
That's right. You can go two ways about your fetish. If you are really confident and have lots of women to choose from - you can be direct about your fetishes, and just quickly sort out girls who aren't interested.
Another way is to first develop a relationship somewhat, show her that you do care, and then come clear.
The way NOT to do it is when your relationship have progressed really far and you have a fetish talk when she's already thinking about marriage. Because if you happen to be incompatible at that point - one or both of you would have a lot of pain to go through. You should spare it to anyone.

I kind of mix and match myself. Some girls seem brave and you can talk to them about anything. Others, you need to wait for the right moment.
 
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Nezhul said:
That's right. You can go two ways about your fetish. If you are really confident and have lots of women to choose from - you can be direct about your fetishes, and just quickly sort out girls who aren't interested.
Another way is to first develop a relationship somewhat, show her that you do care, and then come clear.
Click to expand...

I agree. That is what I usually do but it hasn't worked for me so far.

Although I wish to marry a sadist woman because based on my experience when feelings are developed between D/S, the bond between them is way stronger than the usual romance.

About asking for a professional help, I don't think this would work for me because I believe the inability of having normal sex in my case is a dysfunction in my body. It only works when I feel humiliated ( I cant visualize Humiliation -like Jada said-).
 
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Nezhul said:
Attraction to anything is a fetish. Some guys will be attracted to your eyes, or a smile, or a profile of your face. The color of your hair, the size of your breasts and/or the figure overall. Physical attraction is fetishist by default.

Some people get attracted to large people, but because this is more rare we call it a "fetish" out loud.

Do tell your friend to consider this. If someone is attracted to her figure, whatever it is - it's not so different from other guis. For example I really adore petite women with small fragile frames and small breasts. My friend likes women with wide hips and very big breasts. Pamella Anderson is totally his type (was, when she was younger). You could say that my attraction is not a speck different from someone else attracted to fuller figures. She should give those guys a chance.

<snip>

The way I see it with her is that she deep down inside does not want to be as large as she is. Although she loudly proclaims fat acceptance, her actions and other words speak otherwise. For instance. If she is turned down for a job, she wails and says that it must be because she is fat. If she has no boyfriend, it must be because she is fat. She will never get married because she is fat. Stuff like that.

She also seems fearful or something of sex. She is in her 20's and I know that people of that age can sometimes post things they probably shouldn't on Facebook.

She will repost texts or messages, including the name and pic of the guy, making fun of him and making nasty remarks because he said something sexual to her.

This, I think is wrong. I also can't blame a guy for trying. Yeah on this site in particular you will get stuff like that. It doesn't make me angry. But it also doesn't mean they will get what they want from me either.

At the rate she is going, she will never get a guy. Don't tell her that you like her body. Don't mention sex to her. OTOH, if you don't mention her body or don't offer sex, she will make fun of you as well. Nobody can win with her.

So every time I see her post something like... I didn't get ____ because I'm fat! I mutter under my breath. No, it's because you're a bitch!
Click to expand...
 
I believe the inability of having normal sex in my case is a dysfunction in my body. It only works when I feel humiliated ( I cant visualize Humiliation -like Jada said-).
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Weather it's a dysfunction of body or mind - professional help will sort you out.

It's the mind BTW. Everything to do with feelings or emotions comes from the mind - if it was about your body, it wouldn't have been situational.
 
Tristan861 said:
I agree. That is what I usually do but it hasn't worked for me so far.

Although I wish to marry a sadist woman because based on my experience when feelings are developed between D/S, the bond between them is way stronger than the usual romance.

About asking for a professional help, I don't think this would work for me because I believe the inability of having normal sex in my case is a dysfunction in my body. It only works when I feel humiliated ( I cant visualize Humiliation -like Jada said-).
Click to expand...

I find this to be interesting. I know a female who can't stand to be given compliments. I never could figure out why. She is also the Queen of put downs and loves humiliating other people, even if it means telling outrageous lies about them. I wonder what makes her do this?

I don't know much about her sex life except that she was married. Husband died. She does have a boyfriend now. She is constantly talking about how pathetic he is but she doesn't much do it to his face. Mostly behind his back. From what I can see, he's a great person!

I wonder though if she has some need to be humiliated. She will often react to the slightest mistake that she makes in a very dramatic fashion. Like looking around the room, trying to get people's attention. She bugs her eyes out, turns red in the face and fans herself. Then she will talk about how embarrassed she is. Hmmm...
 
Jada59 said:
I find this to be interesting. I know a female who can't stand to be given compliments. I never could figure out why. She is also the Queen of put downs and loves humiliating other people, even if it means telling outrageous lies about them. I wonder what makes her do this?

I don't know much about her sex life except that she was married. Husband died. She does have a boyfriend now. She is constantly talking about how pathetic he is but she doesn't much do it to his face. Mostly behind his back. From what I can see, he's a great person!

I wonder though if she has some need to be humiliated. She will often react to the slightest mistake that she makes in a very dramatic fashion. Like looking around the room, trying to get people's attention. She bugs her eyes out, turns red in the face and fans herself. Then she will talk about how embarrassed she is. Hmmm...
Click to expand...

Based on this, Shes just a bad person and insecure.
For me, self respect and dignity in social life is essential and irrelevant to my sexual desires.
 
Nezhul said:
Weather it's a dysfunction of body or mind - professional help will sort you out.

It's the mind BTW. Everything to do with feelings or emotions comes from the mind - if it was about your body, it wouldn't have been situational.
Click to expand...

Do you recommend any online websites /consultants specialized in this?
because in my country I doubt they know what even BDSM means.
 
Tristan861 said:
I want to talk about another thing which is I just hate the idea that some women take advantage of the need of the the submissive and take high rates of money per 1 hr for the sessions to do what the submissive need and like I said before they are not even true dommes they just want cash....Why?? We dont need more suffering!!
Click to expand...
I assume you're talking from personal experience there.

'Cause even 'true/false dommes' and need to pay rent and buy food as well.
Just like with any enterprise run on esoteric commissions the provider is going to have a high price for their time because they have tiny lists of paying clients as opposed to a usual commodity shop who accumulate profit from lots of small transactions. Ever tried to get somebody on Deviant Art to paint you something? Same thing. I highly doubt these women you're seeing are rolling in money.

It's also not their fault that you choose to pay their fees. If you think they're unreasonable, don't seek their services.
 
Good domination is very intense and not many can do it well. You are paying for that skill. I have occasionally visited a Pro Domme. She is very, very good at what she does as well as being physically attractive. I doubt she does more than a session a day and on average probably earns a similar amount to a head teacher in a small school. She doesn't appear to be especially wealthy.
 
Since I know a couple of pro-Dommes, I just wanted to chime in to say that being a pro-Domme and asking for payment for services does not automatically mean someone isn't a "true" Domme. It simply means that they do it for pay. And what's wrong with being a slut? If you're using it as an insult, I'd suggest finding a different word.

What is your definition of a "true" Domme, anyway? There are a LOT of different flavors of domination. Just because someone doesn't do it the way you think they should doesn't mean they aren't a true Domme, it just means they aren't compatible with you.

If you want a Domme who isn't going to charge you money, then I second Nezhul's suggestion. Look for a *person* first. Someone you connect with, with whom you can build a relationship of some kind. *Then* bring BDSM into it. I do know people who have looked for a Dominant specifically and have been successful, but I also know a lot of people, myself included, who found a partner first and then that relationship led into a D/s dynamic. (I have two Doms. Both of them started off as vanilla relationship partners, and as we built trust and learned more about each other's kinks, both relationships developed into D/s.)

As for not being able to have sex or get hard without the specific elements you mention, I'd suggest looking into therapy. There's nothing wrong with having kinks and fetishes, but if that's the ONLY way you're able to experience sexual arousal, and it's having a negative impact on your life, getting help might be worth it.
 
I don't know much about her sex life except that she was married. Husband died. She does have a boyfriend now. She is constantly talking about how pathetic he is but she doesn't much do it to his face. Mostly behind his back. From what I can see, he's a great person!
Click to expand...
Some people just don't know when they have gold in their hands, and will constantly want more.

But another explanation I know an example of - is that she fears to lose him, so she tries to convince every woman around that he's not worth pursuing. One of the women I know does the same - she tells things about her husband just because she's really afraid that one of her girlfriends may put an eye on him, and she basically knows that she can't really compete.
 
I’m sorry that you’re struggling.

Don’t give up. There are women out there who’ll click with your kinks.

I don’t know because I’ve not been in that position, but I can see how it might be more challenging for a straight male sub to find a match than a female sub. In fact, unless I’ve missed it, I think that viewpoint might be what’s missing here: we need a straight male sub to jump in and talk about how they navigated finding a Domme.
 
It takes time and effort, they don't grow on trees. And I have a feeling that in every gender there is an imbalance with far more subs than Dom/mes. That is why a Pro Domme is a good option, if you can afford it and you can find a good one.

The one I visit occasionally involves a three hundred mile round trip. It's worth it though. As well as a good session we have a nice chat over coffee afterwards and have become friends. The trouble is that I reckon something like eighty to ninety per cent are in it only for the money and that means dissatisfaction, it communicates itself and spoils things.
 
It saddens me when perspective gets so laser focused on one thing, like foot worship, that when that one thing fails and falls short of the unreasonable, unrealistic expectations driven by lust, it's time to jump off the ledge.

A relationship isn't driven by one single thing. It can't be. No one is that one dimensional.

If that's all your idea of a relationship is, of course any woman will fail you. You've set it up that way.

It's amazing how often people are ruled by their genitals. Or lust or desire. And what fucking bad, unbalanced decisions are made because of those feelings.
 
If you have a fetishistic disorder, there are ways a therapist can help you to manage it. Reading things online isn't going to cut it - it's a starting point, but at the end of it, you'll know more, but you won't be any better, and your loneliness and longing for what you need will lead you to misery and a potentially unhappy end.

When a fetish gets to this point, the first step is mentally preparing yourself to give up or minimise your fetish at all costs, in order to find peace and some kind of happiness in your life.

Either you can seek out the thing you're unlikely to find (a partner with the same kink as you/dominant female to have a relationship with who wants to humiliate you), or you can manage it so that it doesn't rule your life. And who knows, if you're in a better head space, you may be better place to find the woman of your dreams, and you'll be in a healthier space to have a relationship with her, where she's more to you than just a way to feed your sexual needs.

I don't know what country you're based in, but most therapists list their specialities on their websites (if you look for psychiatrists in your area), and you can approach them via email and ask if they have any experience with treating your particular disorder (fetishistic disorder). You can also approach your GP (doctor), explain your issues, and request a referral. Possibly. I don't know what medical system you're working with. But let's hope you have options other than online websites, because your case sounds so severe, I can't see that working for you.

I can tell you this. The sooner you address it, the better, and a medical professional is best placed to do that. Give your cash to them, instead of a findomme. :)
 
Nezhul said:
Some people just don't know when they have gold in their hands, and will constantly want more.

But another explanation I know an example of - is that she fears to lose him, so she tries to convince every woman around that he's not worth pursuing. One of the women I know does the same - she tells things about her husband just because she's really afraid that one of her girlfriends may put an eye on him, and she basically knows that she can't really compete.
Click to expand...

Ah that could be. Thanks!
 
JasonClearwater said:
If you have a fetishistic disorder, there are ways a therapist can help you to manage it. Reading things online isn't going to cut it - it's a starting point, but at the end of it, you'll know more, but you won't be any better, and your loneliness and longing for what you need will lead you to misery and a potentially unhappy end.

When a fetish gets to this point, the first step is mentally preparing yourself to give up or minimise your fetish at all costs, in order to find peace and some kind of happiness in your life.

Either you can seek out the thing you're unlikely to find (a partner with the same kink as you/dominant female to have a relationship with who wants to humiliate you), or you can manage it so that it doesn't rule your life. And who knows, if you're in a better head space, you may be better place to find the woman of your dreams, and you'll be in a healthier space to have a relationship with her, where she's more to you than just a way to feed your sexual needs.

I don't know what country you're based in, but most therapists list their specialities on their websites (if you look for psychiatrists in your area), and you can approach them via email and ask if they have any experience with treating your particular disorder (fetishistic disorder). You can also approach your GP (doctor), explain your issues, and request a referral. Possibly. I don't know what medical system you're working with. But let's hope you have options other than online websites, because your case sounds so severe, I can't see that working for you.

I can tell you this. The sooner you address it, the better, and a medical professional is best placed to do that. Give your cash to them, instead of a findomme. :)
Click to expand...


Thanks for sharing this. It gives me another way to think about it. :rose:
 
If you ever feel particularly worthless in the romance department just do what I do and remember that you're somebody's fetish.

Literally every person on Earth has some kind of trait which at least one other person finds monstrously sexy. Sure it's very simplistic reasoning and doesn't actually provide information which you can apply in real life to improve your status but it's an inarguable fact and if your goal is just to relieve negative thoughts then building a justification for positive thoughts that even a hyper-critical depressed brain can't argue with is a good start.
 
You sound very unhappy right now.

If you are feeling depressed, anxious, or guilty about feeling either of those two things, please consider looking for a therapist (and there are kink friendly therapists out there). I know it is the last thing you have energy to do when you're feeling bad. I also know it can be difficult to find the right one. Just consider that what you need right now isn't a Domme to make you feel worthy and desired. D/s, BDSM, or vanilla... healthy relationships require us to care for ourselves. We have to treat ourselves compassionately before we can make room for others, I think. Skipping that step leads to one-sided relationships that eventually burn a partner out.

Take care of yourself. When you do, things do get better. I promise that they do.
 
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