Old 05-29-2002, 03:56 PM   #1
KillerMuffin
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Muffie's Form of the Month

With many thanks to daughter. No doubt she'll start shooing me away and telling me to go buy a book or something.

This month I'm on the pantoum. I didn't like it when I first saw it. In fact I rather hated it.

daughter could not have picked a more perfect form for me to begin my poetry lessons with. When I write prose I have a goal to reach, an ending to get to. It's a vague one though. The plotting is simple and doesn't take up much effort. I can plot a 75,000 word novel in one paragraph.

Poetry? Thinking of the end while thinking of the beginning is an exercise in circularity. I'm not a linear thinker, but I have become a linear writer. A to B to C to D. The pantoum is a fabulous form because it's A to B to C to B to D to C to D to A. Hurts, doesn't it?

I'm learning two things here. 1, to think of the entire poem and what I want the reader to get from it before I put words to paper and 2, using repetition to create meaning.

The pantoum:

Here's some instructions:

Step 1: Write the first four lines with a rhyme scheme of abab.
Step 2: Copy lines 2 and 4 to lines 5 and 7.
Step 3: Write lines 6 and 8 (rhyme = c)
Step 4: Copy lines 6 and 8 to lines 9 and 11.
Step 5: Write lines 10 and 12 (rhyme = d)
Step 6: Copy lines 10 and 12 to lines 13 and 15
Step 7: Copy lines 3 and 1 to lines 14 and 16 ( in that order)


Here's what it looks like.

A1
B1
A2
B2

B1
C1
B2
C2

C1
D1
C2
D2

D1
A2
D2
A1

Fun huh?

My very first pantoum, don't laugh. It hasn't been edited yet.

Chocolate Kisses

While caught in the chaos of the daily grind,
I often lose the words that I meant to say.
The simple love from a child always shines;
Like chocolate kisses on Mother's Day.

I often lose the words that I meant to say,
Trying to find something more than I love you.
Like chocolate kisses on Mother's Day,
Remind me that feelings always show through.

Trying to find something more than I love you,
I sometimes forget that words are too much.
Remind me that feelings always show through,
With nothing more than an affectionate touch.

I sometimes forget that words are too much.
The simple love from a child always shines,
With nothing more than an affectionate touch,
While caught in the chaos of the daily grind.
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Old 05-29-2002, 04:49 PM   #2
JUDO
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Wowch!

Funky. Very funky. Okay, I'll give it a go. There's no specified meter, hmmm? Just the structure and rhyming...

Sub Memory

On gentle morning, I rose with tender breasts.
Their sensitive ache set my mind to wonder
If God had me in one of his Holy Jests
Or if Satan pawned me for malicious plunder.

Their sensitive ache set my mind to wonder
If I've forgotten some grand sexual dance
Or if Satan pawned me for malicious plunder.
In steamy mirror, I give them a glance.

If I've forgotten some grand sexual dance
Then why are they marked and covered with bruises?
In steamy mirror, I give them a glance.
Their judgement aside, I'm the one who muses...

Then why are they marked and covered with bruises?
A quick answer stalls, but pregnant I'm not.
Their judgement aside, I'm the one who muses...
"Which Domme that I know ties a three-sided knot?"

(Oops! Okay, a pantoum it's not. I just missed that last little instruction, Muff. No room for a punch line, huh? Then, it's probably not for me. Here's the corrected version.)

Ache Memory

On gentle morning, I rose with tender breasts.
Their sensitive ache set my mind to wonder
If God had me in one of his Holy Jests
Or if Satan pawned me for malicious plunder.

Their sensitive ache set my mind to wonder
If I've forgotten some grand sexual dance
Or if Satan pawned me for malicious plunder.
In steamy mirror, I give them a glance.

If I've forgotten some grand sexual dance
Then why are they marked and covered with bruises?
In steamy mirror, I give them a glance.
Their judgement aside, I'm the one who muses...

Then why are they marked and covered with bruises?
If God had me in one of his Holy Jests
Their judgement aside, I'm the one who muses...
On gentle morning, I rose with tender breasts.

(Of course, now I see what's so difficult about this form. My last stanza is for shit now. The form this attempt at pantoum has now would be the beginning of where to edit in order to make the poem have a better ending and clearer meaning.

I like my first poem, though, even though it's a failed pantoum.)
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Old 05-29-2002, 04:53 PM   #3
dark stranger
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nice pant', muff'

enjoyed the effort, the form, the topic
(guess it is ok to say that)
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Old 05-29-2002, 05:16 PM   #4
WickedEve
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I tried a pantoum back in Dec. or Jan. (I think) It's not a good one. But it is a pantoum.

Staring out my window
Watching the falling rain
Missing my lover so
Separation brings pain

Watching the falling rain
Coming down like tears
Separation brings pain
When you're not here

Coming down like tears
Yes I do cry
When you're not here
My heart does sigh

Yes I do cry
Separation brings pain
Missing you as I lie
Staring out my window
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Old 05-29-2002, 09:37 PM   #5
SA Storm
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Great exercise

KM, you reminded me of an old exercise for this form. The idea is to write the pantoum quickly within 30 minutes or so. To help, think of a nursery rhyme or short poem. To write this one I used the idea: "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Sticks and Stones

You come fierce and resolute like air conditioning in hell.
Knowing your movement wasted you burn the bluest flame.
Smiling words that slip from sly humor clear as a bell.
Tuning forked tongue shatters ego and maims.

Knowing your movement wasted you burn the bluest flame.
I want to touch you so proud and frightening in your pain.
Tuning forked tongue shatters ego and maims.
Humble and content you scorn my fame and feign.

I want to touch you so proud and frightening in your pain.
My cautions melt off you and pool at your feet.
Humble and content you scorn my fame and feign.
Trampling the curious collection of words into sheets.

My cautions melt off you and pool at your feet.
Smiling words that slip from sly humor clear as a bell.
Trampling the curious collection of words into sheets.
You come fierce and resolute like air conditioning in hell.

Last edited by SA Storm : 05-29-2002 at 10:45 PM.
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Old 05-29-2002, 10:51 PM   #6
OT
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blue collar pantoum

I drink beer
I don't know why
I hang out here
I'm a regular guy

I don't know why
I do what I do
I'm a regular guy
I'm attracted to you

I do what I do
I do what I can
I'm attracted to you
I'm just a man

I do what I can
I hang out here
I'm just a man
I drink beer



The first thing I do when trying something new is to keep it real simple, sort of take it for a test drive.

Here's my test drive of a pantoum.

I rationalize the use of overused and simplistic rhymes by claiming that they go well with the theme: A simple man at the bar making (poetic) conversation with the woman sitting next to him.

O.T.



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Old 05-29-2002, 11:10 PM   #7
WickedEve
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Re: blue collar pantoum

Quote:
Originally posted by OT
The first thing I do when trying something new is to keep it real simple, sort of take it for a test drive.

Here's my test drive of a pantoum.
I understand about test driving. The pantoum I wrote is my one and only attempt. I was just thrilled that I was able to do it.
I think your blue collar pantoum is a good start.
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Old 05-29-2002, 11:38 PM   #8
KatPurrs
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Ok, I'll play...my first pantoum.....

I planted a garden for you in my dreams,
Surrounded with color and form.
When the rain came down in steady streams,
The sunflowers danced in the storm.

Surrounded with color and form,
A picture of living fine art,
The sunflowers danced in the storm,
While digitalis presented my heart.

A picture of fine living art,
As alchemilla cupped the dew.
While digitalis presented my heart,
We danced in fields of fescue.

It's sad to say, but here's the deal,
When the rain came down in steady streams
It washed away what we thought was real.
I planted a garden for you in my dreams!

Well, that wasn't toooo bad. I survived the torment.
Thanks KM. You really know how to hurt a girl. lol
Naww, that was fun. Thanks!

Kat~
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Old 05-31-2002, 02:25 AM   #9
Lauren Hynde
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Post HOW TO write a pantoum

Hi, Muffin!

Killer idea. And I never back up from a challenge, as you all know.

I tried doing that 30 minutes exercise SA talked about, but the fact that it's 6.00 AM right now (meaning I'm pre-comatose) combined with me being Portuguese (which means I usually need at least half an hour to come up with an half-decent rhyme in English) led to this exquisite piece. I'll most likely come back in a day or two with a better one...


HOW TO write a pantoum

Scribble, scribble, scribble,
Write down all you can think of.
Onto paper let your soul dribble
And rephrase what you wrote above.

Write down all you can think of,
Erase those thoughts from your mind
And rephrase what you wrote above;
Cross out the words left behind.

Erase those thoughts from your mind.
There's no need now to get shy.
Cross out the words left behind.
And please just give it one more try.

There's no need now to get shy!
Onto paper let your soul dribble,
And please just give it one more try:
Scribble, scribble, scribble...
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Old 05-31-2002, 02:33 AM   #10
JUDO
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Works for me, Lauren. I like your pantoum.


- Judo
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Old 05-31-2002, 07:24 PM   #11
JUDO
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Another Pantoum Poem

My Happy, Bandana Dog, I Love You.

My dog is cool.
He takes it all in stride…
He ain't very smart, but he's nobodies' fool.
No bouts with ego, no bouts with pride.

He takes it all in stride…
Has naps all the time.
No bouts with ego, no bouts with pride.
His kicking legs tell me that dog dreams are sublime.

Has naps all the time.
Sits kinda crooked, sideways on his butt.
His kicking legs tell me that dog dreams are sublime.
He loves me as I am – no matter what.

Sits kinda crooked, sideways on his butt.
He ain't very smart, but he's nobodies' fool.
He loves me as I am – no matter what.
My dog is cool.
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Old 06-01-2002, 10:40 PM   #12
Quasimodem
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Thanks for the assignment, KM.






non participant


jumping off no other ledge
fiddle around in between
sitting about at the edge
life is just merely a screen

fiddle around in between
settling back in my chair
life is just merely a screen
no how not going no where

settling back in my chair
trying too hard to forget
no how not going no where
nothing be mostly best bet

trying too hard to forget
sitting about at the edge
nothing be mostly best bet
jumping off no other ledge



Quasi 06-01-2002.
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Old 06-01-2002, 10:43 PM   #13
karmadog
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Good one JUDO. My dog (left) is everybody's fool. She doesn't have a choice with a face like that.

Here's my attempt. I was trying to play with the rhythm, I don't think it turned out real well. I should have stuck with one thing at a time.


Vicious Bitter

Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter
Her favourite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her house fat with cats and their litter
With those kind of legs, what could I do?

Her favorite colors are grey, green, and blue
Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
With those kind of legs what could I do?
I took what I could take.

Her eyes of three colors: sky, sea and lake
Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
I took what I could take.
Both none the wiser but certainly old

Immortal youth made a fool feel bold
Her house fat with cats and their litter
Both none the wiser though certainly old
Sometimes vicious and frequently bitter.
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