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Old 03-27-2002, 10:48 AM   #1
huskie
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Cheating?

This has been discussed to no end, I'm sure. But, I'm also sure it will always be discussed until the Dr. can invent a pill that will cure it.

I love my wife. Point blank. I am very attracted to my wife.
BUT!!!!!! she just will not conform, given in, share, or even talk about adjusting or trying anything new in our sex life. I'm talking about the little stuff. Like making love at night rather than the morning. It's her way or no way. Hell sometimes I think I married the church ladie or someone heading in that direction?
For these reasons I "think" of cheating. I'v never done this. It seems to me to be 1.) Just wrong and hurtfull to ones mate 2.) A whole hell of a lot of work!!!! the lieing, cover ups. sneeking around and not to mention the guilty concients (sp?).

My question is has anyone BEEN cheated on? were there any warning signs? What were the signs?
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Old 03-27-2002, 11:15 AM   #2
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Cheating in my book is a very bad thing! Talk, talk, and more talk with her, try to make her see your side of things. Be open with her about your needs and if you don't get it some your way you are not happy and if you still don't get any results then, just my .02 cents worth, end the marriage. Find what makes you happy, life is to short husky. Cheating will cause you more trouble than you can believe! And here is another thing to ponder, STD's. Do you want to bring something home and give it to her?
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Old 03-27-2002, 11:42 AM   #3
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cheating

All i can say is DONT! The last post was correct - i`ve just been on the receiving end of being cheated on and its no fun whatsoever. Its makes you question evrything that you thought you had and your self esteem takes one hell of a kicking. The best thing you can do if you got doubts is talk to each other and sort it out between yourselves. Involving someone else like that will only complicate matters and increase the hurt a thousandfold.
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Old 03-27-2002, 12:10 PM   #4
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Re: cheating

Quote:
Originally posted by Unregistered
All i can say is DONT! The last post was correct - i`ve just been on the receiving end of being cheated on and its no fun whatsoever. Its makes you question evrything that you thought you had and your self esteem takes one hell of a kicking. The best thing you can do if you got doubts is talk to each other and sort it out between yourselves. Involving someone else like that will only complicate matters and increase the hurt a thousandfold.
I'm well aware of that.
But, I can't help the way I feel and I don't see much light at the end of this tunnel.
Cheating? Hell I really wouldn't know were to start?

I could not see my wife cheating on me. BUT, if she was what should I look for?
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Old 03-27-2002, 01:01 PM   #5
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Wink

If you think your wife is cheating on you, well look for signs of behaviour patterns that are different.

Does she take more pride in her appearance than she used too?

Does she seem to be happy and energetic all of a sudden?

These may not be signs of her having an affair. Women feel and act this way if anybody compliments them and raises their self-esteem.

Or maybe you are trying to invent an excuse for yourself to cheat?

I agree with the others. Try talking to her, raising her self-esteem. Maybe alittle old dating, may get her to change her mind.

If you really want to cheat, I would recommend either getting out of the marriage or visiting a clean brothel, where you can have the sex, but not the emotional attachment.

Hope I have been of service.
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Old 03-27-2002, 03:48 PM   #6
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Unhappy

I'm with you huskie. I love my husband to death - he is my best friend and I am still IN love with him after 7 years together. I have absolutely no desire to end my marriage. BUT I am soooooooo sexually frustrated. And he's not so he sees no reason to change anything. I can totally relate to how you feel. I just want to get my sexual needs met, and it's not happening at home. I've been thinking about cheating lately, just for sex. I try to tell myself that it will help my marriage because I won't be sexually frustrated, but I know better. I think. I know my husband isn't cheating. And I know I could get away with it, but it does seem like a lot of work, especially when you have someone at home who should take care of it for you.

I don't think I really answered your question, but at least you know you're not alone, right? Maybe we should start a support group or something....
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Old 03-27-2002, 03:52 PM   #7
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Nevermind

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Old 03-27-2002, 04:37 PM   #8
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ME TOO!

Count me in the same boat as Huskie and Unreg.
I to find my wife very very attractive and good person.
Sexually we struggle. I want it more often and a little more spicy.
She on the other hand is pretty conventional. The idea of cheating has crossed my mind. I just might to get my rocks off to fulfill a fantasy or two.
I am nervous about it and not sur whether I would even go through with it. I don't pursue it, so I am relying on a woman to approach me. I may be waiting forever.
Its such a difficult struggle. I don't want my marraige to end and have my children see me on weekends.
HELP!!
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Old 03-27-2002, 04:39 PM   #9
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Dont do it, like everyone esle says, talk to her, tell her point blank that your are considering it. She may become more open minded about sex if she thinks you might.

My fiance has cheated on my twice. It destroyed me. It took a lot of work to get over the first time, and then for him to do it again was 1000 times worse. The first time was early in our relationship and we moved in with eachother way too soon. He said that he didnt know that he truely loved me then. It was purely a lack of communication. We didnt talk to eachother about any problems. Signs of that time, he was gone, out late all the time, hung out w/ another female a lot, and didn't want sex as much. The second time I really didnt see any signs. He didn't have intercourse the second time, but oral sex is still cheating in my book. He said his reasoning was because he thought I didnt love him anymore, just stayed w/ him because i felt sorry for him. He was wrong, but somehow got that impression. He tried justifying it by saying that he didnt touch her, hug her or anything, and was imagining it was me instead of her. I feel pretty damn stupid for staying with him, much less marrying him. But I do love him.

I doubt I was any help, but good luck
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Old 03-27-2002, 04:51 PM   #10
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I am probably too scared to do it. and if it not put in front of me I won't be tapping some girl on the shoulder for it.
I have expressed myself and things have gotten a little better. She just does not share the same interest in some areas.
We are trying though. And I have to admit she really is hot looking! Maybe its me????
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Old 03-27-2002, 04:52 PM   #11
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voolsa check your pm
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Old 03-27-2002, 04:57 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally posted by jayallen2
I am probably too scared to do it. and if it not put in front of me I won't be tapping some girl on the shoulder for it.
I have expressed myself and things have gotten a little better. She just does not share the same interest in some areas.
We are trying though. And I have to admit she really is hot looking! Maybe its me????
yep. same here. I can't help but wonder if I were diffrent, looks that is, would she be more agressive and open to improving our sex life?? My wife is beautifull as well, but I am only 5'-3" tall not a babe magnet. I think I won her over with my cuteness and sense of humor. The cuteness has worn off some but NEVER the humor. By the way, does anyone want to get on my joke list?

huskie
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Old 03-27-2002, 05:15 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by Voosla
I feel pretty damn stupid for staying with him,
much less marrying him. But I do love him.
You poor thing. This is a difficult situation and often with
a rocky road ahead. Has he always been a hound or do
you think it is temporary?
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Old 03-27-2002, 08:04 PM   #14
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oooh this is always a tricky one. Ive cheated, and been cheated on. I first cheated on my fiancee 8 weeks before our wedding (I know...) the timing sucked. I dont regret it I love my husband, and am still friends with the guy I slept with. Ive never told my husband, im pretty sure he guessed but dont want to bring it up. you have to do what you have to do, will you be happier with a satisfied dick but a fucked up head (to put it crudely?) are you prepared for the fact that the lady you choose may develop stronger feelings for you and threaten your stability? Im in that position now, im dealing with splitting up from my part time lover, and unable to share why im upset with the man i share everything else with. I dunno huskie, just remember no one can judge you except yourself. If you can live with it, and its consequences, the running around and nasty feelings may just be worth it. But im a masochist so probably not the best person to advice you xxx
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Old 03-27-2002, 08:20 PM   #15
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Been Cheated on

When I was 16 and 17 (it spanned a year), I was dating this guy. I really liked him, although he wasn't good enough for me (he was unreliable, didn't phone back, stood me up, you name it), and my mother HATED that I was dating him. (Since then, I've learned to trust my mother's taste). Anyway, This guy, whose name was Nick, had a best friend, whose name was Brian, and Brian was my best friend, too. Brian was engaged to a girl named Laura. Okay. Now then, near the end of my relationship with Nick, I noticed that he was spending a lot of time at Laura's house when Brian wasn't home (Brian and Laura lived together). I, being the trusting, naive person that I was, thought nothing of it. Until Brian went home early one day, and found Nick and Laura in bed together. OHHH, talk about betrayal. I felt so bad for Brian.. his fiance and his best friend. Ouch. I was hurt, but I felt bad for Brian more than I felt bad for me. Obviously, Nick didn't deserve me.
Brian and I ended up hooking up for a while, and are still good friends.
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Old 03-28-2002, 02:56 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally posted by NoRegrets


You poor thing. This is a difficult situation and often with
a rocky road ahead. Has he always been a hound or do
you think it is temporary?
I'm not sure, when he hit about 18 he slept with a lot of women in a short amount of time. I have been the only person he's ever cheated on. He claims that he wouldnt do it when we're married (no that's not the reason i'm marrying him and has nothing to do w/ it) He's watched too many marriages fall apart from cheating, and only plans on getting married once. He says he could never break his vows. Whether or not I can truely believe him, only time will tell.
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Old 03-28-2002, 02:57 PM   #17
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sorry, that above post was me, i keep getting logged out.
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Old 03-28-2002, 03:42 PM   #18
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V., you have a lot to think about

If you're the only person he ever cheated on, and he did it twice, then maybe he isn't as really to settle down as you are. I don't want to be the one to say this, but is this his way of breaking up? He says after the marriage he won't cheat, but the best way to start is to not cheat before!

Don't believe Clinton, oral sex=sex. Your fiancee touched and hugged that girl in the only way he shouldnt' have. If he was imagining that it was you, then he would have been puttin' the lickin' on you.

I'm not saying to dump him. That's your choice, but maybe you guys need more time. Don't rush anything!

(Didn't mean to be nosy, just wanted my thoughts out there.)
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Old 03-28-2002, 03:45 PM   #19
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And Huskie

BEHAVE! Don't Do It!!!

Let the wife know how frustrated you are and now selfish (but don't say selfish!) she's being by only allowing things to be her way all the time.

Cheating is so wrong, especially since you still love her. A piece of tail could ruin everything. Good luck.
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Old 03-28-2002, 04:03 PM   #20
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Huskie

Does your wife know that you frequent LIT? Just wondering. I am in a situation very similar to yours. I have said that my wife would have made a great Nun. I love her with all my heart. I too am still looking for the answer to unlocking her Sexually. I have yet to find that key but I am looking everyday. She knows that we are not where I would like us to be but she is trying. If I come across something that works I will let you know as well as share it with the rest of Lit. I would hope that you would do the same for us. Good luck and know that you are not alone!

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Old 03-28-2002, 04:25 PM   #21
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Re: V., you have a lot to think about

Quote:
Originally posted by Mona
If you're the only person he ever cheated on, and he did it twice, then maybe he isn't as really to settle down as you are. I don't want to be the one to say this, but is this his way of breaking up? He says after the marriage he won't cheat, but the best way to start is to not cheat before!

Don't believe Clinton, oral sex=sex. Your fiancee touched and hugged that girl in the only way he shouldnt' have. If he was imagining that it was you, then he would have been puttin' the lickin' on you.

I'm not saying to dump him. That's your choice, but maybe you guys need more time. Don't rush anything!

(Didn't mean to be nosy, just wanted my thoughts out there.)
Ok, for starters, the last time he cheated was over a year ago, well before he proposed, so I dont think it was a way of breaking up. And i wrote in my 1st post that he DIDN't touch her or hug her. The only form of contact was her lips on his dick. Whether or not any of this makes a difference, i dont know.
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Old 03-28-2002, 04:39 PM   #22
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oh, one more thing, since we're on the subject of my cheating experiences. Both times he confessed when things were going really really good between us. The last time he felt he had to tell me because he had decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and had to have it out in the open first. I did try to leave then (the first time i pretended it didnt bother me, dumb idea) but he literally clung onto my legs trying not to let me leave. I ended up dragging him out to my car, then decided to hear what he had to say before I made my desiscion. Oddly, things stayed really good between us, (except the cheating) ever since then. He proposed about 6 months after he told me.
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Old 03-29-2002, 04:56 PM   #23
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Thumbs up oh I got a comment on this one!!!

let me just say this, i have the same situation, me and my hubby been together for 7-8 years, been married 2 of those. our sex life had totally hit rock bottom, it was the epitamy of a library scene, quiet and boring. i then found out the guy i had an affair with in the beginning of our realtionship (our mutual friend), had still had feelings for me, well come to find we had sex over and over and over and over for months. then all of a sudden my hubby started to pay attention to me because i wasn't having sex with him, he just thought i was not interested (whih i wasn't), so he then sat me down and we talked, i told him the sex basically sucked, we compromised and now we have the best sex life ever. if we are not having sex every night, it is every other night. so in some instances cheating is good, but always remember to use protection, don't want to bring home the spouse a dreadful present.
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Old 03-29-2002, 06:09 PM   #24
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Well I will add my 2 cents here. I was in a marriage that for all reasons was dead. We just were roommates. There was no sex and had not been some in a long time and whenever I tried to bring it up, well, it was like talking to a brick wall. I had a scare with what I thought was a heart attack and found out it was something else. I began to look at life and said this sucks. I told her I was not happy and she said she just did not care for me or want me in a sexual way. I started to hang out on AOL all the time, became friends with a woman, and had an affair. Well to make a long story short. I fell in love with the woman I was having the affair but to her it was just sex. She broke it off, and I left my wife and got a divorce. It was all painful, but I did learn one thing thru this all. Because of the rejection of my wife and some personal issues, I thought I was not desirable. Self esteem was shot to hell. But I did find out there was nothing wrong with my love making and I am doing better and have had a few relationships since then. I would say this. One - TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU DO IT! If she refuses to make it work out, then tell her you can not continue this. When you have an affair it can come back on you big time and not only you, but your kids as well. My kids found out and I had to repair things with them. We are doing great now, but affairs can really hurt alot of people. So, even tho I did it, I do not recommend it at all. TALK IT OUT!
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Old 03-29-2002, 07:00 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally posted by Spenser41
I would say this. One - TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE
YOU DO IT!

If she refuses to make it work out, then tell her
you can not continue this. When you have an
affair it can come back on you big time and not
only you, but your kids as well. My kids found
out and I had to repair things with them. We
are doing great now, but affairs can really hurt
alot of people. So, even tho I did it, I do not
recommend it at all. TALK IT OUT!
This is my take on things as well. If all else fails
and you decide to look elsewhere at least be
honest and discuss it. She may leave you, say "go
ahead", or develop an interest in sex. At least
the relationship is clean, even if painful. It is not
possible to avoid all pain but lying and sneaking
around rarely improves the long term outcome.
This hurts everyone more but especially you.

Unfortunately, this is an ultimatum no matter how
carefully you present your feelings. This should
be reserved as a last resort.

If you love each other, itís probably worth another shot.
IMHO
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Last edited by NoRegrets : 03-29-2002 at 07:10 PM.
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