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Old 05-18-2003, 08:51 PM   #1
exhibitionist4m
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Question I dont understand

I am 30 years old and I have never had an orgasm.
What is wrong with me? I have had oral, played with me with his fingers, and had sex in different postitions. I have had to fake it.(no he didn't know the difference.. he thought he did it)
Why can't I get off? I am very frustrated and feel I will never be satisfied. I have masterbated but it takes forever and I give up after 30minutes of trying.
What am I doing wrong and why am I not sensitive enough to get off? I dont even get aroused when my breasts are touched.
what is the deal
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Old 05-18-2003, 09:21 PM   #2
nightswan
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go to bettydodson.com ,or buy the book "sex for one" and buy a Makita magic Wand.Try to read some erotica made by women,or playng some fantasy while using it.Breathe properly.Let me know if this helps.The magic wand has helped thousands of women before,it should work for you too.
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Old 05-18-2003, 09:26 PM   #3
dollface007
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I would start with masturbation b/c it's typically easier to have an orgasm on your own than with a partner.
I had a friend who, while in her mid-twenties, had never had an orgasm either, so she decided to form a "Big O club" or a group of close friends that could give her advice, or just share about orgasms. She started reading books on female sexuality and erotic novels. I even helped her shop online for a vibrator. After a couple months, she had her first orgasm via her shower massager. She called me right after it happened and was so excited!
Coming here is a really good first step b/c it means you're being proactive about it. It doesn't just *happen* for some women like it does for guys. It takes some investigation....why haven't you been able to orgasm? what did your parents teach you about masturbation and sex? What really turns you on? Are you physically healthy? have you ever been abused and how does this affect your life? i think these are all good questions to answer for yourself.
Have you read any of the stories on Lit? Have you tried pornography? Do you have a vibrator or dildo? Let me tell you, they are worthwhile investments!
Best of luck!!

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Old 05-19-2003, 01:51 AM   #4
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You deffiently need to start experiment yourself. The best advice I can give you is to buy a hand held shower massager.

Up until a few years ago, I had never had an orgasm, I just turned 31. I have never had one with a partner. My (now ex) husband tried everything but nothing worked.

But now I am single and have been for 7+ years and through experimenting with masterbation I am finally able to orgasm. I found that there was too much pressure during sex with a partner to acheive orgasm.


I have yet to experience an orgasm with a partner because I have not had a parnter since I was able to achieve orgasm.


So go buy yourself a hand hand shower massager and play while you take a shower or bath. Also buy some KY liquid (if need) and let your fingers explore.
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Old 05-19-2003, 05:44 AM   #5
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Wow I am doing better than I thought.......I am able to reach orgasm through masturbation (most times using a vibrator) but have difficulty letting go with a partner. I find it hard to relax and let myself receive pleasure from another.

I did not enjoy sex with my husband. I didn't have an orgasm from masturbating until I was in my early 20s, and the first time was after I read some lesbian erotica. I left my husband last year and have had 2 male lovers since, and recently had my first time with a woman, all in the last 14 months The few times I've orgasmed with a partner we used the vibrator, it seems to be what I need to get myself over the edge......but I'd love to be able to cum with other ways......
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Old 05-19-2003, 05:59 AM   #6
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I've heard of plenty of women that have yet to experience an orgasm. The main thing to remember is NOT to fret about whether it's odd or not... it's true with you so it makes it perfectly legitimate & not odd! Who cares if everyone else has their own nuances; yours is not that odd based upon the few posts here. It's doesn't seem medically impossible to reach that orgasm plateau yet so try out some of the things these lovely people have suggested.

Again, not being a woman and being a supportive man, I can say that you're not odd for not having an orgasm even at this age. Don't give up.

And one question I've had throughout all this is when you masturbate, why do you give up after 30 minutes? Is there something mentally stimulating that could help beyond the pysical factors? Magazines? Videos? Other erotica???
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Old 05-19-2003, 12:43 PM   #7
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I dont understand

Thank you all.... I do have a shower, and I went to Barns&Nobles got a book. read most of it.. tried some out. Haven't reached it yet....I stop at 30 minutes cause I get tired and frustrated.
I have been with my husband 12 years (11 married) and we have 4 boys. I still can't seem to get off. (he still doesn't know he hasn't gotten me off)

I guess you guys are right, about my history being part of the problem. I guess I never thought it had bothered me.
Evadently it had.
I was abused for 13 years.Raped 3 times in my life age 8,26,27(2 times that night) and I was beaten daily. I have alway tried to forget it and now I guess that is what might be keeping from it. I read in the book that it could be one of many reasons that I am inhibiting myself from the "pleasure". Do you think that could be it?
I really want to have it and see what it is like.. I have heard stories and read about it and I would like to experiance it also. I am going to try the shower tonight and see how that goes after everyone is asleep.
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Old 05-19-2003, 12:46 PM   #8
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understand

I do have a vast library of Videos, Magazines, Books. read and seen all of them. I even have a few How to books and how to please a man in 1001 ways! But they get me aroused but I still cant get off. I went as longs as 4 hours and nothing happened. Hubby got off many many times.
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Old 05-19-2003, 02:12 PM   #9
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You're right you're past probably is stopping you from having an orgasm, being relaxed and confortable is the most important key.
It took me a long time until I had my first orgasm but now I have the regularly (although never through sex alone). It takes perserverance and a relaxed attitude. Remember it's not the be all and end all. I enjoy sex loads even if I don't orgasm.
Good luck
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Old 05-19-2003, 04:28 PM   #10
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I don't get off every time with masturbation either. I'd say about 60/40 depending on time of the month, tiredness etc. I've found that sometimes, when I think it's never going to happen and just enjoy the sensations, that it actually does happen.....I'm not putting pressure on myself.

I shut off my sexual feelings for years. I thought there was something wrong with me. My husband made me feel guilty if I didn't want sex, and he would use emotional blackmail to get what he wanted. He also date raped me when we were going out, maybe that coloured my whole perception......

Since I've left him I've discovered I am very sensual and can respond to a partner's touch, but something still holds me back, though I enjoy sex a lot even without having an orgasm. It's early days yet, so I am hopeful things will improve
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!

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The power of submission can be found only in the heart of one who gives her love to another freely knowing what joy and pain will come of it - Roguer


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Old 05-19-2003, 06:57 PM   #11
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My husband is the same way he makes me feel guilty that he hasn't had any. All he wants are BJ and that has been all anyone has ever wanted from me(boyfriends) I hate it .. I would reather be in a pit of snakes than give head ever again.The main thing is the pressure that I have to give him head(he wakes me up) and then he rolls over and goes to sleep. I am not saying I never want to give it again just not be pressured into it.

Thanks, you guys are really helping me
alot.
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Old 05-19-2003, 07:22 PM   #12
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I think you should talk to your husband about sex being a mutually beneificial experience, and while I'm not sure that I would let on to him that I had never achieved orgasm (it might bruise his ego and make him reluctant to work with you on it), I think you should explain that it is difficult. Also, make sure that you are forming fantasies that are customized to your needs. Books are definately helpful, but make sure that you don't settle for someone elses desires. Find out what makes you hot.
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Old 05-19-2003, 07:27 PM   #13
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Sorry,i'm stupid,but i get angry when i read something like that.You are not obliged to do that,i won't even mention forced.I mean,what a man .Unluckily you cannot change other people,but you can work on yourself.And sorry for having the nerve to say that.but you aren't obliged to give him anything,unless you want it too.The problem is that he find fertile
ground on your guilt.I think it's time for you to take a look around you,and try to find some help.a professional one.Both for what's happened in your past,and what's happeing now.If your self esteem goes lower( and that may happen,, folowing this way of thinking),and can lead up to depression.
I'm sayng that out of concern,not judgement.I talk from personal experience.

Don't forget that you deserve RESPECT and don't owe him any sexual favours.

A hug,
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Old 05-20-2003, 10:16 AM   #14
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This is long but bear with it...

Exhibitionist, the first thing you need to do is try to get past the guilt.

I see guilt throughout your words... guilt for your past, guilt for not feeling "normal"... guilt for decieving your husband with faked orgasms... and there will be more guilt for keeping your explorations from him if you don't come clean.

You have no reason to feel guilty... NONE. At 8 yrs old, you had no control... I'm sure with the abusive past, you still feel very lttle control in your life, therefore, you give in... try to please to make the pain "go away" faster. Sound familiar?


You have to forgive yourself AND (this is the really hard part) those that hurt you. . . only at that time will you truly be able to let go in the bedroom.

I don't know if you consider it an obligation to have sex with your husband... or if you enjoy it. But to be able to enjoy making love to him, you're going to have to communicate what's going on. It will be hard at first... You didn't say if he knows of your past... but if he does, this will ease things. If he doesn't... PLEASE PLEASE tell him. I always say this... "You'll never be more free than when you're with someone who loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them..." Your husband married you for better or for worse. You NEED to talk to him.

Yes, finding that you've never orgasmed WILL bruise his ego... but it will also pose a challenge. If he doesn't rise to the challenge then there's a lot more to it than we know...

Trying to discover your sexuality alone is a double edged sword... especially when you have a loving partner. Because when the heavens open up (and they will) he'll notice and make comment. Then, will you pull out the books and toys and say "well see it's like this..." or will it stay hidden?

The last person in the world you should fear is your husband honey, becasue he can help you through this! Fighting a battle alone can become very very discouraging... trust me, I 've tried and lost many times. I wish you the best!
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Old 05-20-2003, 11:34 AM   #15
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guilt

I agree with most of what you all said. My guy asks for BJ's all the time, but he knows damn well that he better reciprocate. I find that I must really put myself deep into a fantasy to get off when I masturbate. Sometimes I almost feel like I'm someone else. I don't always cum when rubbing, but it still feels good andhave no guilt about it. NO-One should feel guilty about sex or having sex with yourself. Love Lisa
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Old 05-20-2003, 12:34 PM   #16
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A little bird told me about this thread and suggested I take a look. (Thank you, nightswan )

Exhibitionist, from reading through the posts you've left here, you have bigger issues than simply not being able to orgasm. I work in the Children's Protection Services Department for the county in which I live, and one of the most damaging emotional things a person can experience is sexual abuse as a child. Having been raped as a child can leave emotional scars for the rest of your life, if not dealt with properly. Problem is, most adult victims of child abuse were told "don't tell" and they try to go on with their lives. It seldom works.

My suggestion? Confront the issue of multiple rapes. If you haven't already, talk to a counselor - there are places that your county health department can refer you to that will work with you on financial aid, if needed, and are strictly confidential. If you can't do that, try calling your local rape crisis hotline. This is not all that unusual if a woman was raped and never had the opportunity to deal with the ramifications of that act.

Next, I would suggest a visit to your gyno. Let him/her know that you seem to have difficulty achieving an orgasm and have him/her check you out. It could be there is something physically that is preventing you from acheiving an orgasm. For example: there is a small piece of skin that covers the clitoris called a "hood". If that hood is longer than average or thicker, it could prevent pleasant vibrations from reaching the clit. It might be something as simple as you having to pull back that hood slightly (not painful, btw!) before you begin to masturbate.

The trick to an orgasm is relaxation. If you are not relaxed mentally and physically, it just ain't gonna happen. And the idea that you haven't had an orgasm and now are trying to acheive one, may just be putting additional stress on you. If you stress out about it.....well, you get the idea.

What you might want to try is this (once you have talked to a counselor/rape crisis and your gyno): read erotica or view porn without any thought of orgasming. Just let the feelings wash over you. Note how your body responds to certain stimuli. Does that particular passage in a story make your heart beat faster? Does that picture make something deep inside of you shiver? Don't worry about orgasm or masturbation. Heck, deny it at first! See how long you can go with reading or watching before your body demands your touch! If you back up and just let the feelings wash over, rather than attempting to masturbate right away, you might find out some different things about you.

The situation with hubby can be quite complicated, and I sympathize with you on that one. I was in my early 30s before I had my first orgasm with a partner. And I had been faking it all along, so explaining it to him once I'd had a real orgasm was more than a bit embarassing! You know your hubby better than any of us, so only you know what will work. I would say to come clean with him. Will his ego be bruised? Perhaps. Perhaps not, especially if you can explain the reason. (Getting over past rape issues or a physical issue if that is what your gyno states) Let him know that you want to orgasm with him, but you need his understanding and his help. He needs to work with you. This can be a time of discovery for both of you.

Oh, and as for the blowjobs? Be square with him. He might be under the impression that you are enjoying them just as much as he is. And there are a lot of men who just don't get the idea that we women get upset when they orgasm and then drop off to sleep. Especially if the couple have been in a relationship for a long time. Sort of like the idea that you should know how he feels about you without him having to show you anymore. Let him know that you would like to please him orally, but that it needs to be a mutual desire. Let him know that when he wakes you up just to get a bj, you feel used. Not many husbands like that idea at all!

I think once you begin to work with all the issues in your life, you will find your ability to orgasm will be there. And hell, experiementing with your husband can be far more fun than trying to do this on your own!

Good luck!
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Old 05-20-2003, 03:41 PM   #17
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30 minutes of trying... it doesn't always get me off, either, and I'm one of those women who orgasms at the drop of a hat. Sometimes, you just need to keep working at it... I invested in a good lubricant (I swear by RAIN Personal Lubricant), and I found that reading a book, and just relaxing, and enjoying the BUILDUP to the orgasm made my body more receptive to the orgasm itself. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy the journey, and not the destination.

Also, your history of abuse. I would seek some counselling... I've been raped twice, and for a while, I couldn't orgasm after it... I wouldn't allow myself to relax that much, I wouldn't allow myself to feel pleasure in such an activity that had brought me so much pain. It was like I was an automaton. You're much kinder than I am... I never faked it. I don't think a man should get that much credit if he's not making you cum. But then, I'm very jaded when it comes to men.

What I realized that finally allowed me to REALLY enjoy sex, without the pressure, without all the terrible thoughts in my head, was a lot of soul-searching, and realizing that sexuality is MY gift. It is MINE. It is not something that belongs to my partner, and therefore I must give it to him or her every time he or she asks. If I don't want to, then I won't. And my partner, though he or she may be upset, will have to live with it and get over it.

You don't like the pressure of giving head... I understand that feelng. I agree that you need to speak with your husband about sex being a mutual thing... that him waking you up in the middle of the night for a bj is NOT kosher (you have work and your day to think about), and that if he's going to be so demanding for oral sex, he'd better the hell start performing it. My SO hates giving oral sex. Not just to me but to his past lover as well. And I used to give him head EVERY SINGLE DAY... because I loved doing it, and he loved receiving it. But he never reciprocated. And finally, I went on strike. I told him that he would not get head unless he went down on me. And now, though I still don't get oral as much as he does, he is more conscious of my needs and my likes and dislikes.

Physical and sexual abuse.. and mental and emotional abuse... they are disablers. It is a huge battle to overcome the damage that they cause in our lives, but it is a battle that must be fought, for the sake of your own self-esteem, for the sake of your children, for the sake of your marriage, and for the sake of YOU, most importantly. Abuse leaves a shade over you, and though many people can't see it, you know it's there. It often disables you from performing in situations in daily life.. like speaking to male parents at your kids' school, or looking people in the face when you talk to them. It prohibits you from walking alone at night, it prohibits you from sitting in the front of a room, with people behind you (these are my symptoms, not necessarily yours). It may cause neuroses and anxiety disorders (as it has caused in me).

What you need to realize is that your journey through the pain is for your sake. It will benefit other people, too, but it is for you. Once you have talked it out, and have sought healing, your life.. not only your sex life, but every other aspect of it, will become more full and beautiful.

Let me explain by example, if you will. I lost my virginity to rape. I was 18, thank god I wasn't a child. Anyway. I stayed with him.. he was my bf at the time, and it wasn't violent, but I was Catholic, and waiting for marriage, and he just disregarded it. I just figured "well, I'm not a virgin anymore, no fucking point in waiting". I was bitter, and was dogged by guilt every time he and I were intimate. I ended up engaged to him and pregnant by him. I miscarried the child, and then broke of the engagement. Then I met my second rapist. We dated, and then he did his thing, and hospitalized me. I was with a few male and female lovers after that, in a very short time... but I was never giving FULLY of myself. I would have sex, but it would be SEX, not love-making. I just.. I could never justify it to myself or to my beliefs.. I was searching for something.. searching for wholeness and for love.

I met my current SO. When he and I began to be intimate, it was different. He had been my best friend before my lover, and he knew of my past and was so supportive. He didn't try to placate me, he just held me when I cried, and let me be angry when I was angry. But when he and I were intimate... I was able to freely give all of myself to him. It was the first time I'd ever TRULY given myself to another person. I still have nightmares.. I had two last night,a nd woke up screaming and crying. And he held me.

What I'm saying is that.. it took me a bit of time to figure things out.. but when I did.. after all the screwups I made, I was able to give MYSELF to someone. Not just a sexual act to someone.

Maybe it's too convoluted.. but PM me if you need clarification.
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Old 05-20-2003, 04:58 PM   #18
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Thank you all.

Talking to my husband is out of the question.He doesn't listen to me,I get 2 words out and I am wrong..no matter what the proof is. I do feel guilty for things that happened. I have been to councelers and they said it was my fault. They didnt; caome out and say it but I got the hint. Telling me I shouldn't have said this or looked like that...

I was married when I had the 2 adult rapes(got prego from the last one) Hubby wasn't supportive... to this day he still says I cheated on him. I had to choose between my children and family or the "the guy" I had sex with and the baby I was carring. I made the choice to abort and keep the family... I still get it thrown in my face. I am not happy with it but I really didnt have a choice... I thought about it rationally and practically... not something I am proud of.

I have forgiven the people and I do feel like I have to have oral sex cause we cant have it anyother way(hubby is disabled and is rather large .. his belly is in the way and I have tried all positions.
I can understand his frustrations but not the blame I am getting.
He is a great provider.. makes sure we get what we need and want (material things) bills paid and so forth.

As Far as counceling goes I have tried it and it was turned on me. I was told it was my fault for putting myself in that situation. I have also been to Marriage counceling and that too said I should be a better supporter of my husband and that I should be in tune with his wishes and be a better wife to him. The councel said also that he shoudl help around the house abit .. Never went back to counceling after that

I have a vast collection of erotica which I have mentioned before.I have been aroused but not HOT I have watched about 3 movies then felt the need to touch and play but still nothing happened.
As far as telling him... I am not going to he has a big issue with lying.I am his 3rd wife and lying is something that is not tolerated and will be delt with in one way or the other (such as being out of the house,divorce, things like that) he know my abusive history and hasn't even joked about abuse)
He says he wished he had married someone who loved sex as much as he does and that I should have told him before we were married.
I think if I want to feel more free I would have to have a different partner. the one I have isn't the right one for this particular event in my life. I have alwayts kept trying to forget and keep it away.. that is the way I am... you dont talk or tell then it wont be hear or known or REMEMBERED for that matter.

I am a submissive person and I can't deal with the constant yelling.I can be bold and that just gets more problems.
I have tried teh shower massager and though it is nice I still havent gotten it yet.
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Old 05-20-2003, 05:10 PM   #19
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Sounds like your "counceling" came from the religious right. I'd not ecpect to hear such talk from good councelors at all!
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Old 05-20-2003, 05:31 PM   #20
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I agree with ReadyOne - I can't think of one counselor who would tell a woman she was in any way to blame for a rape.

What I'm going to say I mean with all sincerity and hope you see and take it as such, K?

Hon, no one deserves to be yelled at or live in fear in their own home. You should be able to speak your mind freely and openly without having to worry about repercussions. I am also submissive. I am not a doormat. You are not, either. I won't say that you need to leave this man, but I think you need to re-read what you wrote here. If one of my girlfriends told me what you did in your last post, I be getting the spare bedroom ready for her and her kids. With all that you've been through and are dealing with in life, it is not an orgasm I would be concerned with.

I don't know you, and you don't know me. You can take my words and simply cast them aside, and it's no sweat off of me. But I'm picking up a sense of hopelessness in your post that is disturbing to me. I also find it greatly disturbing that you seem to have accepted whatever this counselor has told you. Even if you are in an affair or marriage, and you say "no", it means NO! If he continues, it is rape and it is not your fault. And I don't care if you are drunk off your ass making lewd jokes, dressed in a skirt that barely covers your ass, with a top that reveals more than it covers. No is no, period.

Sorry for the length of this, but I truly do wish you well.
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Old 05-20-2003, 05:37 PM   #21
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Practice!

Try masturbating with no goal in mind.
By this I mean that you may have (in the past) thought that the end result of masturbating was to have an orgasm. It isn't! Get that out of your head. The end result is to make you feel good.
Try "getting ready" by looking at some of the excellent stories posted on this site, seeing a porn flick, reading some of these boards...get the picture?
And practice. Practice playing with yourself. A lot.
I'm not trying to be a smartass. Practice makes you realise what turns your body on, what position (try it on your stomach, your back, your side, in different rooms) works for you, the pressure needed on your clit, etc.
The big thing is to get that orgasm thing out of your head. You have to trick your mind into believing that you don't care if you have an orgasm.
I wish you much success!
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Old 05-20-2003, 05:37 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally posted by exhibitionist4m


I am a submissive person and I can't deal with the constant yelling.I can be bold and that just gets more problems.
I have tried teh shower massager and though it is nice I still havent gotten it yet.
WHOA! *SCREECHING TO A HALT*

You are a submissive person. Submissive does NOT mean doormat.

Your counsellors who told you that it was your fault were WRONG. Ignore what they've said and find counsellors who will tell you the truth.. that rape is a crime against YOU, and it is NOT your fault.

Your marriage counsellors were doorknobs. Toss them out of the window, too.

When I was assaulted when I was 15, I went to a priest, in confession, and I told him about it. He basically told me it was my fault. I held on to that for some time, and finally realized he was a lascivious asshole.

*** as to your "I'm a submissive person". Look, honey, I am a submissive. I mean, in the BDSM lifestyle. And the most commonly understood thing in the BDSM lifestyle is that submissives are very very strong people. It takes a strong, confident person to give up control like a submissive does.

You are in a marriage that is damaging to you. Your husband not offering any support when you were assaulted shows that he's a self-centered pig, and that you need to really evaluate why you are with him. I understand that you have children, and I understand that your husband is a good provider, but you are living in an emotionally, mentally, and physically damaging situation. You need to get yourself out. I understand that it's going to be hard for you, but if you live in a life where you say two words and you are wrong, you are married to a man who does not value you as a human being. He does not value your thoughts or opinions, and he does not give you credit as an equal to him.

You are too good for that kind of treatment.

Get out of it. Please.. for your own sake and for the sake of your children. Your kids deserve better than to see their mother silenced after only a few words, and they deserve better than to take on the attitude that the wife should tailor herself and her behaviours to her husbands tastes. That's just bullshit.

Last edited by Ms_Lilith : 05-20-2003 at 05:40 PM.
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Old 05-20-2003, 05:41 PM   #23
funwdi
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And...

Please do not think that I do not care about your past! I do...I think that you can make a happy sex life for yourself regardless.
Heal your mind and your body will follow.
God bless. Good luck.
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Old 05-20-2003, 08:16 PM   #24
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thanks to Sexychele and Vixenshe for wonderful posts.Thank you really,you've expressed yourself in a way that i find difficult to do.





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Old 05-21-2003, 03:41 AM   #25
Lust Engine
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Quote:
Originally posted by ReadyOne
Sounds like your "counceling" came from the religious right. I'd not ecpect to hear such talk from good councelors at all!
I never knew counselors were out to lay MORE guilt on you. I always thought counselling was supposed to help you put things that have happened in the past in their place (obviously since we can't change them) and help you get to a happier locale with yourself.

If you can't find a counselor that can help you, seek out another one that can. Not all therapists are created equally! Find one that can help you stand on your own two feet, to be honest with your past & help you shed some of the burdens. You deserve this and so much more.

My heart goes out to you & wishes you the best.
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