Need an editer.

kiwl · 11-18-2009, 05:48 PM

I've written a story and I was looking for someone to go over it and give some feed back. What's wrong, what's right, what I should take out, what I should leave in ect. Its about a young teen couple that get drunk and end up having a sexy shower. If your interested PM me. I've posted a sample to give you a taste.

She stirred slightly as Brian's fingers ventured further and further inside her moist hole. He stopped about two inches in for it was the furthest he could go and began to rub the walls of her vagina. Then he found it. It was a small patch, slightly rougher than the other parts, on the roof of the passage. The G-Spot.

As soon as he touched it Mindy stirred again, so he softly massaged her clit with his thumb. Slowly he moved his fingers to a horizontal position then placed them on the end of her G-Spot. Her facial muscle's tense ever so slightly. He slid his fingers across her G-spot until he was in the centre. As he did this Mindy let out a very quiet moan and her face turn into a noticeable frown.

Brian flicked her clit with is thumb, in which Mindy responded by twitching her left arm and having it land on her left breast. He then moved her hand so that her index fingertip was resting on her nipple. His fingers moved back to the edge of her G-spot and he readied his thumb for another flick. His penis was as stiff as a board as he braced himself for his chain he had just set.

He took a sharp breath and flicked Mindy's clit again which made her left hand move and flick her nipple. She let out a low moan and curled her toes. Just after Brian had seen her hand move he drove his fingers across Mindy's G-spot. Mindy emitted a loud moan, her fingers curled into fists, her toes pointed and her back arched two inches off the bed.

thanks for the help.

CopperSkink · 11-19-2009, 01:32 AM

Looks nice. As far as porn goes, not bad. It's just that for the purposes of reading, it's not paced well enough, either not enough commas or too many, depending.

Also, you have a sickness in wanting to put apostrophies where they don't belong.

You might want to post some of the non-sex as well to show us how you handle dialog, character development, and environment.

snoopercharmbrights · 11-19-2009, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CopperSkink

... Also, you have a sickness in wanting to put apostrophies where they don't belong. ...

ONE misplaced apostrophe is a typo, not a sickness. All of the other plurals are correct, and all of the other apostrophes are on possessives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CopperSkink

... You might want to post some of the non-sex as well to show us how you handle dialog, character development, and environment.

The posting of large parts of stories here is discouraged by the powers-that-be. A complete story for editing should be sent direct to the volunteer concerned.

Jenny_Jackson · 11-19-2009, 10:29 AM

editer? Ummm...

CopperSkink · 11-19-2009, 12:50 PM

IT'S A SICKNESS AND IT MUST BE WEEDED OUT BEFORE THE WHOLE FORUM IS AFFECTED AND EF TURNS INTO AH

Not that I've ever been there; I've only heard the rumors.

I don't want the whole story; four or five exchanges and a setting would be nice, though.

CWatson · 11-19-2009, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiwl

Its about a young teen couple that get drunk and end up having a sexy shower.

Just remember that if any characters under the age of 18 participate in sexual activities, Literotica will reject it out of hand.

In other news, I'll take a look at it if you want.

Send me a Private Message and we'll get in touch.

AsylumSeeker · 11-19-2009, 09:11 PM

Makes my rants slight in comparison. In my view atleast.

Jenny_Jackson · 11-19-2009, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CopperSkink

IT'S A SICKNESS AND IT MUST BE WEEDED OUT BEFORE THE WHOLE FORUM IS AFFECTED AND EF TURNS INTO AH

Not that I've ever been there; I've only heard the rumors.

I don't want the whole story; four or five exchanges and a setting would be nice, though.

Yes. The AH is a dark and evil place populated by overly imaginative egotistic weirdos. People go there and are never seen again

MistressLynn · 11-19-2009, 11:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jenny_Jackson

Yes. The AH is a dark and evil place populated by overly imaginative egotistic weirdos. People go there and are never seen again

Or they become characters in a porn story, having wild, crazy, kinky sex.

CopperSkink · 11-20-2009, 03:03 AM

Did anyone else just go to a scary, creative place where a number of AH-addicted individuals meet and fuck the living daylights out of one-another to all the nastiest parts of the worst stories they argue about in there?

I mean, I suppose they argue; I've never been there myself. Much cozier in here. No jellyfish.