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Old 01-03-2018, 03:04 PM   #1
Justalondoner
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Post Hot off the press... My first story

Hi, I'm so excited to share my story it is titled 'Waiting for you'.

Please read, rate and comment to share your thoughts.

https://www.literotica.com/s/waiting-for-you-26

Would love some feedback of how you think it can be improved.
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Old 01-03-2018, 04:09 PM   #2
8letters
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I'll warn you now - I'm going to say harsh things about your story. It's got a 3.20 rating, so it's obviously hitting more than just me the wrong way.

* I don't like the "I" and "You" structure. I've written almost all of my stories in first person and first person is ideal for this type of story. When I see "I" and "You" like this, I imagine that this is a story written for a loved one instead of written to be read by a LitE reader. I am not "You". I am not getting fucked as soon as I walk through the door
* We don't even know who "you" is yet and you're fucking her. Way too quick for me. Unless there's an emotional attachment to the characters - unless I want them to have sex - sex is actually boring to me
* Your dialogue is bad:
** "Someone's missed me!" - not the thing you say when you're practically getting raped when you come in the door
** "Ghosh you're so tight!" - not something you say to a long-time lover unless the position or something makes her unusually tight (not sure that can happen)
** "That was rather selfish of me, getting off on quick deep thrusts, depositing my jizz deep inside you." - NO ONE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Made me almost gag
** "I was ready for your throbbing cock, as always, ready for you to fill me up with your creamy cum." - Ditto

Tell us a story, have dialogue that's somewhat realistic, get us interested in your characters, then have them have sex.
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Old 01-03-2018, 04:30 PM   #3
lovecraft68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
I'll warn you now - I'm going to say harsh things about your story. It's got a 3.20 rating, so it's obviously hitting more than just me the wrong way.

* I don't like the "I" and "You" structure. I've written almost all of my stories in first person and first person is ideal for this type of story. When I see "I" and "You" like this, I imagine that this is a story written for a loved one instead of written to be read by a LitE reader. I am not "You". I am not getting fucked as soon as I walk through the door
* We don't even know who "you" is yet and you're fucking her. Way too quick for me. Unless there's an emotional attachment to the characters - unless I want them to have sex - sex is actually boring to me
* Your dialogue is bad:
** "Someone's missed me!" - not the thing you say when you're practically getting raped when you come in the door
** "Ghosh you're so tight!" - not something you say to a long-time lover unless the position or something makes her unusually tight (not sure that can happen)
** "That was rather selfish of me, getting off on quick deep thrusts, depositing my jizz deep inside you." - NO ONE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THIS. Made me almost gag
** "I was ready for your throbbing cock, as always, ready for you to fill me up with your creamy cum." - Ditto

Tell us a story, have dialogue that's somewhat realistic, get us interested in your characters, then have them have sex.
All your points are valid...if someone is looking for story, character development, etc....

However, there is a large part of readership here that is fine with someone getting fucked the second they walk in the door and enjoy lines like the ones you pointed out. Stroke is not known for clever sayings and turns of phrase its "fuck me, baby" for the most part. "You're so tight' fits that 'hot, sexy' porn dialogue.

So what you're saying killed it for you is only a bad job by the author if they felt this was a 'serious' story. If they're intent was to turn someone on with a quickie one handed read, then this works.

The no one ever says that is subjective. I get what you mean, its sounds kind of...forced maybe? From someone who read a ton of dirty stories in magazines like variations and others like it, you'd be amazed how those characters talk, I've seen far worse than the example from the authors story here.
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Old 01-04-2018, 08:54 AM   #4
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"Oh yeah, well what about..." is a Soviet propaganda technique. It blunts wrongdoing by trying to establish wrongdoing as commonplace or expected.

The OP is here asking for help. Others having been worse is not a reason to ignore a valid critique about the dialogue.

Igboring ultra-experimental exceptions, the goal with all writing, erotica included, is to capture the human experience. Write people being people. That means making them talk and act like people.
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Old 01-04-2018, 12:39 PM   #5
lovecraft68
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AwkwardMD View Post
"Oh yeah, well what about..." is a Soviet propaganda technique. It blunts wrongdoing by trying to establish wrongdoing as commonplace or expected.

The OP is here asking for help. Others having been worse is not a reason to ignore a valid critique about the dialogue.

Igboring ultra-experimental exceptions, the goal with all writing, erotica included, is to capture the human experience. Write people being people. That means making them talk and act like people.
If they talked and acted exactly like 'normal people' it wouldn't be erotica. My points aren't making excuses, my points are if the genre the OP is going for is flat out porn, then there's nothing really wrong with the story.

"People don't talk like that...." So the person saying that has heard how all people talk? "I don't talk like that...I don't know of anyone that talks like that" fine, but the broad brush of nobody doesn't work....could say people only talk like that in porn and that would make my point.

But if we're going to nitpick all the first post did was call out what they didn't like, not really offer many suggestions to fix it.

Every critique here should be started twitter style as in #inmyopinion post then follows because unless its a cut and dried typo or improper punctuation everything else is really subjective.

The calling out of the OP's score is wrong as well because it demotes scoring means a rats ass on this site which it doesn't and I say that as someone who has done well here score wise. Doesn't mean squat.

If the OP writes 8 more stories that are similar the scores will go up because people who don't like that type of work will see the name and pass them by, people who liked the others will be happy to read that one, the more you post here the more you fund your audience and lose the people who aren't. The scores go up because of it
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Old 01-04-2018, 01:08 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
If they talked and acted exactly like 'normal people' it wouldn't be erotica. My points aren't making excuses, my points are if the genre the OP is going for is flat out porn, then there's nothing really wrong with the story.

"People don't talk like that...." So the person saying that has heard how all people talk? "I don't talk like that...I don't know of anyone that talks like that" fine, but the broad brush of nobody doesn't work....could say people only talk like that in porn and that would make my point.

But if we're going to nitpick all the first post did was call out what they didn't like, not really offer many suggestions to fix it.

Every critique here should be started twitter style as in #inmyopinion post then follows because unless its a cut and dried typo or improper punctuation everything else is really subjective.

The calling out of the OP's score is wrong as well because it demotes scoring means a rats ass on this site which it doesn't and I say that as someone who has done well here score wise. Doesn't mean squat.

If the OP writes 8 more stories that are similar the scores will go up because people who don't like that type of work will see the name and pass them by, people who liked the others will be happy to read that one, the more you post here the more you fund your audience and lose the people who aren't. The scores go up because of it
What you say is right, but I think what AwkwardMD is saying is that the OP can do a better job trying to do what the OP is trying to do with better dialogue. And I agree with that.

It's fine for erotica to push the edge -- I certainly don't claim my stories are realistic -- but for a story to be MOST effective it has to limit the nonrealistic elements and not tax the reader's patience and imagination too much. Good dialogue is a way of drawing a reader into a story that might otherwise be a hard sell.

The examples that 8letters gives are good ones. With some changes these lines could be made much more effective. They would enhance what the author is trying to do, not compromise it.
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Old 01-04-2018, 02:15 PM   #7
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I'm going to read this as I believe it's intended, and how I believe most will perceive it - as a stroke story. I'm also typing as I read, so this is an evolving narrative.

First, I will say that I agree the "I - You" structure isn't my cup of tea. It's also not particularly popular on Lit. There are fans, so if that's what you enjoy, go for it. You might consider experimenting with dropping "you" for "her" and seeing how you like it, though.

I think, "Someone's missed me!" is perfectly appropriate for the tone of the story. Playful even. It actually takes the edge off what is rough sex, and lets the reader know she's perfectly fine with it.

I don't really have any problem with "Ghosh you're so tight," either. However, because you've changed speakers, you need to start a new paragraph. It's entirely possible that you did, and the carriage return got lost in the cut-n-paste. That does happen.

This first scene is over rather quickly, with little to no feedback from her after that first line. You build things up stripping her, the initial few thrusts, and then the rest of the scene is a single line. Stroke readers prefer you go more into detail with all sex scenes.

"Bosom" feels really off for the tone of the story. I personally would have went with a dirtier word here, especially when it's combined with "caress". It's too sharp of a shift in tone.

The "depositing jizz" line does feel stiff and unnatural to me.

Her "throbbing cock" and "creamy cum" lines are fine for a stroke story. I'd probably have droped the adjetives if it were me. Cock and cum do the trick.

His next bit of dialogue again feels stiff and overly formal. That could be a character trait, though. That clashes with "Ghosh" though.

Her next bit of dialogue is also stiff, and clashes with the pornier edge of how she's spoken before. The next bit of dialogue goes back to that pornier edge. The inconsistency is a bit jarring.

Getting hard so soon after coming forces some extra suspension of disbelief, since you explicitly stated he's already drooped. Staying half hard and coming back up, okay. From spent to stone in this short of a period feels a bit off.

The suck tease, much like the initial scene, feels as though it builds up and then rushes to end. Not really in line with stroke reader preferences.

Then we're on to the perspective switch. It's an unusual approach, and I'm not sure how readers take it. It didn't really throw me much.

"swelling" and "swollen" pussy keep bringing me up short. I normally associate that more with the clit than pussy. Could just be me, though.

It's only here that you mention they've been sexting during the day. It's a little late for that to come up now, and it clashes a little with the spur-of-the-moment opening.

Then you build up to her needing to be fucked... And end.

For this type of story, where sex is the story, you need more detail in the scenes. I think that's what's hurting your score and overall readership more than anything.
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Old 01-04-2018, 04:36 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
Every critique here should be started twitter style as in #inmyopinion post then follows because unless its a cut and dried typo or improper punctuation everything else is really subjective.
Captain Obvious strikes again! Of course the feedback I provide is my opinion. I tried to make that very clear with phrases like "I don't like" and "for me".

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
The calling out of the OP's score is wrong as well because it demotes scoring means a rats ass on this site which it doesn't and I say that as someone who has done well here score wise. Doesn't mean squat.
This is total bullshit. Let me say first that everyone should write what they want and if they want to write a story that gets a 3.3 rating like I did, then more power to them. The pay's the same whether the story gets a 3.3 rating or a 4.8 rating. But it's a hell of a lot more fun when your story gets a 4.8 rating. The lower the rating, the fewer the views a story is going to get. The thing I enjoy most about publishing stories on LitE is positive comments and the last I checked, the one comment on the OP's story was a very negative one that hit many of the points that I made - not what I'm thinking the OP was hoping for.

Secondly, you can't whine that everything is subjective and then dismiss a story's rating and other statistics. They are not subjective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
If they talked and acted exactly like 'normal people' it wouldn't be erotica.
Shocking truth - most sex happens between normal people.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
If the OP writes 8 more stories that are similar the scores will go up because people who don't like that type of work will see the name and pass them by, people who liked the others will be happy to read that one, the more you post here the more you fund your audience and lose the people who aren't. The scores go up because of it
You can call me crazy, but I think first time writers who request feedback in this forum are looking to expand their audience. I admit that shrinking your audience is really an out-of-the-box way to increase the ratings of your stories.

PS It would have been cool for a successful commercial author such as yourself to have spent a few moments providing some suggestions for improvement to a first time writer like Justalondoner. I thought it was pretty ironic that you complained "all the first post did was call out what they didn't like, not really offer many suggestions to fix it" when you made no suggestions for improvement yourself (and for the record, I did make some suggestions for how to do better on the next story).
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