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Old 02-12-2010, 07:03 PM   #1
amylin456
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First Try -- Teasing Veronica

My very first tr.. Any and all feedback appreciated..

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=463456
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Old 02-15-2010, 03:44 PM   #2
MaxSebastian
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It's a good idea to tell people something about the story while asking for feedback - saves time all round. At least what category it's in.

Transexuals and crossdressing isn't my thing, I'm afraid.

Just not a naked civil servant at heart.
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Old 02-15-2010, 10:07 PM   #3
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Thank you Max- you are right- it would save people time who do not have an interest in that subject matter. and attract those that do !
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Old 03-10-2010, 01:33 PM   #4
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I should have a new one coming out next week ..
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Old 03-10-2010, 02:54 PM   #5
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Interesting concept, that you can have a bit of fun with. Tranny's aren't my thing but strictly from a writing standpoint I offer the following.

FWIW - I skimmed it and suggest that you re-edit it. There are some punctuation issues and the placement of quotations seems a bit off in parts. My suggestion is to read it very slowly and dispassionately.

Also in the middle you seem to change the POV. You go from 3rd person (describing the action) to telling the person what they are feeling and doing.

With a little work you could make it all third and you'd be golden.

Just my opinion, and we all know about opinions.
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:08 PM   #6
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Okay, the first thing I'm seeing here are a ton of technical errors. You have spaces in front of commas; you misspelled "about" as "ab out," which is a totally different thing involving bladed weapons and massive torso trauma; you have spaces before and after quotation marks, which is not correct in any usage of the English alphabet, at least to my knowledge. You have an ellipsis (a dot-dot-dot) spelled as a comma-comma-comma. Right after that, you switch into present tense. Right after that, you switch into 2nd-person, with "Veronica" suddenly becoming "you."

I know that it's your first story, but the truth is that this level of technical laziness will turn off some of your readers. They'll see it, go, "Forget it, this writer is crap"--regardless, I might add, of whether you actually are crap--and hit the Back button. Presentation matters in storytelling. It's a hot-button issue: people will judge you solely on whether your spelling, grammar and punctuation is in order, as if you were a political candidate and this was your stand on gun control. Technical matters are that important to some people. So why not take the time to cross your I, dot your T's, and present your story in a way that maximizes the number of people who will read it?
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Old 03-12-2010, 09:32 PM   #7
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C,
you are absolutely correct and I appreciate the honest critique.
In retrospect, I was much too rushed about 'publishing' a first work and was very lazy. Switching persons and being correct from a technical standpoint in the language etc really do not not only detract, but also reflect on the overall writing ability.
Will try to clean all that up on next attempt.
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Old 03-13-2010, 09:13 PM   #8
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I enjoyed it, ,Id enjoy a BJ/oral love from you ,all the time! mmmm

Last edited by khbostic : 03-13-2010 at 10:04 PM.
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Old 03-16-2010, 08:49 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by khbostic View Post
I enjoyed it, ,Id enjoy a BJ/oral love from you ,all the time! mmmm
That would be nice <>
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Old 03-19-2010, 01:13 AM   #10
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It's a fun little piece. Write it again in the first person - and don't get carried away!
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Old 03-19-2010, 08:51 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwallard View Post
It's a fun little piece. Write it again in the first person - and don't get carried away!
Thank you. Am working on-- getting carried away- Hmm, you noticed ..
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Old 03-24-2010, 01:56 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by khbostic View Post
I enjoyed it, ,Id enjoy a BJ/oral love from you ,all the time! mmmm
sounds nice, anymore, perhaps...
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Old 04-01-2010, 11:43 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwallard View Post
It's a fun little piece. Write it again in the first person - and don't get carried away!
I am working on rewriting- should have it done next week - I hope you will enjoy- I will post when it is done/rewritten.
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Old 03-03-2017, 06:09 PM   #14
frustrated2b
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amylin456 View Post
My very first tr.. Any and all feedback appreciated..

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=463456
I applaud your courage in submitting the story. There is some value in the comments about "polishing: it up a bit. More important I was, and still am very aroused by you. Would love to see more, and offer any assistance.
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Old 03-03-2017, 11:26 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated2b View Post
I applaud your courage in submitting the story. There is some value in the comments about "polishing: it up a bit. More important I was, and still am very aroused by you. Would love to see more, and offer any assistance.
The original thread ended in 2010, I'm not sure this will ever be seen by the author. Seven year itch?
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Old 12-29-2017, 09:44 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
The original thread ended in 2010, I'm not sure this will ever be seen by the author. Seven year itch?
It was quite old story. actually a combination effort with someone else. did not really think it was that good. I would like to try more...
Amy
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Old 12-30-2017, 12:09 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amylin456 View Post
It was quite old story. actually a combination effort with someone else. did not really think it was that good. I would like to try more...
Amy
Well, did not expect to see the author turn up!
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