Old 12-14-2017, 05:44 PM   #1
SlickThickRick
Experienced
 
SlickThickRick is offline
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 44
Sleep Fuck

My very first story published on literotica. Let me know how you guys like it and how it makes you feel!

https://www.literotica.com/s/sleep-fuck
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-14-2017, 06:32 PM   #2
electricblue66
Literotica Guru
 
electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 1,760
Can't quite see why it's categorised as Fetish.

It's about a guy who plays with his girl while she's asleep, and she wakes up and sucks and fucks him. A bit of a head-scratcher, really. Very short, too short for any kind of a reaction - a morning moment like a thousand others.

One thing - the male protagonist addresses his partner directly: "you do this, you do that..."

No, I didn't do any of those things, so you lost me on the first sentence; also, I'm male, so you lost me twice. I only read on because it was short, and you'd asked for feedback on this thread. Which wasn't a good reason to continue reading.... I didn't score.
__________________
electricblue

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 02:19 PM   #3
regularguy13
Virgin
 
regularguy13 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Skippack, PA
Posts: 22
ok one man's opinion

"You've always wanted me to fuck you while you slept" your opening line baffles me. why would anyone want to be fucked while asleep? Isn't the whole point to enjoy sex?

Second paragraph end with "It's getting harder not to just fuck you right now. Not yet. You need to get wetter, especially if I'm going in dry. Or am I?"

I read it twice and i'm still confused. I get that you're excited and want to fuck her and she's not wet enough...so how does "if I'm going in dry" fit in?

Writing is a bitch. Spelling, grammar, etc... I appreciate you have a story to tell, however, without good editing you can't achieve your goal. I stopped reading after the second paragraph.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 02:31 PM   #4
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is online now
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 51,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by regularguy13 View Post
"You've always wanted me to fuck you while you slept" your opening line baffles me. why would anyone want to be fucked while asleep? Isn't the whole point to enjoy sex?
That's why it's a fetish (responding to electriblue66's post as well). It's an offshoot of the rape fantasy (which has the same reasoning you give).
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 02:48 PM   #5
Calista85
Really Experienced
 
Calista85 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
That's why it's a fetish (responding to electriblue66's post as well). It's an offshoot of the rape fantasy (which has the same reasoning you give).
The opening line of you always wanted me to fuck you in your sleep takes away any variation of a rape fantasy, its fully consensual so a buzzkill to any one in that genre.

This is more like the reverse of a guy telling his girl he'd love it if she'd wake him up by blowing him.

Fetish is the right call because it doesn't fit any type of rape play and there's not even any type of control for mind control. sleep sex is a kink....I assume so anyway seeing someone wrote it and others read it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 02:52 PM   #6
Calista85
Really Experienced
 
Calista85 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 111
Not to be harsh or overstep my bounds because I'm no grammar expert, but this story was a hot mess and not in the fun hot mess way.

It sounded as if you were trying some type of second person? I find the 'you' style kind of creepy, but was going to read on seeing it was so short, but the mistakes were too distracting.

I'd suggest getting someone,even a friend, to read over it before you post. A lot of the errors were easy ones most people could catch.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 02:54 PM   #7
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is online now
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 51,576
I said it was related to the rape fetish, not that it was the rape fetish. Neither you nor the others scratching their heads here can say what someone else's fetish can and cannot be. I'm amused that anyone would claim they could tell someone else what their fetishes could and could not be. (But then I'd believe the one I think you are an alt for would think he could do that.)
__________________
______________________

Last edited by sr71plt : 12-17-2017 at 02:58 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 04:45 PM   #8
Carnevil9
King of Jesters.
 
Carnevil9's Avatar
 
Carnevil9 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Location, Location, Location
Posts: 6,522
I liked it. The second person perspective gave it a sort of intimacy, which is the purpose of erotica, isn't it? In small doses I can enjoy that perspective. It could benefit from an editing, but overall the feeling was good.

Personally, I wouldn't have had her wake up until the very end, if at all. After she was awake, the story became very ordinary, although the intimacy and immediacy were still there.
__________________
Think you’ve conquered your gag reflex? Read my latest drivel!

Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
The Mermaid - How DO you fuck a creature without a pussy?
Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

And all the REST of my crap!

Discuss my stories (or suggest new ones) at my new Carnevil9 Tumblr page! Now with PICTURES!!!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-17-2017, 05:17 PM   #9
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is online now
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 51,576
*sigh*
It's not second person. It's first person. Everything is from the perspective of the narrator; not the sleeping "you."

I get into bed and turn over to give you a kiss goodnight. As I wrap my arms around you to hug you, I realize you're not wearing a shirt.
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-18-2017, 09:25 AM   #10
tomlitilia
Really Really Experienced
 
tomlitilia's Avatar
 
tomlitilia is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: All over
Posts: 407
Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
*sigh*
It's not second person. It's first person. Everything is from the perspective of the narrator; not the sleeping "you."

I get into bed and turn over to give you a kiss goodnight. As I wrap my arms around you to hug you, I realize you're not wearing a shirt.
Do you know what this narration style is called? I.e. where it's from the 1st person pow, but including 2nd person in the story. I strongly dislike it, and want to know the correct name of my pet peeve.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-18-2017, 11:06 AM   #11
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is online now
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 51,576
Quote:
Originally Posted by tomlitilia View Post
Do you know what this narration style is called? I.e. where it's from the 1st person pow, but including 2nd person in the story. I strongly dislike it, and want to know the correct name of my pet peeve.
No, I don't know what it's called. We've mulled that here before. I suggested "pseudo second" as so many think it's second, and it isn't. In second, you are in the head of the "you" in everything. I can't think of too many examples of that I don't think are too affected and tedious, but I did get a short story for a mainstream anthology I volume edit this fall that hit second person right and didn't grate on me.
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-18-2017, 01:14 PM   #12
Carnevil9
King of Jesters.
 
Carnevil9's Avatar
 
Carnevil9 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Location, Location, Location
Posts: 6,522
The main distinction of this type of narrative is not the first or second person thing, it's the present tense thing. Most first-person stories are in the past tense. I think that's what I like about it. It feels like it is happening right now, not at some previous time.
__________________
Think you’ve conquered your gag reflex? Read my latest drivel!

Newest Story! - You Have To Go To Mass! - How far will Mom go to convince her son to go to Mass with her?
The Mermaid - How DO you fuck a creature without a pussy?
Porn With The Wind - Plantation owner's daughter jonesing for some hot Slave Cock!
Pee Party! - Urine for some fun now!!
Femme Fatale - Super Secret Agent meets a deadly Russian vixen bent on his sexual destruction!
Hand Job Slut 1: The Awakening - The saga begins!! And Ends!! All eleven thrilling episodes are now on-line.
An Hour Before The Wedding - She's not married just yet, and isn't wasting a minute of time

And all the REST of my crap!

Discuss my stories (or suggest new ones) at my new Carnevil9 Tumblr page! Now with PICTURES!!!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-18-2017, 02:25 PM   #13
SimonDoom
Literotica Guru
 
SimonDoom is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 981
The "I-You" version of first person is not my cup of tea, but it's somewhat common and I think it works fine in this story. This perspective creates a very distinctive relationship between the narrator and the reader. It's not everybody's favorite but there are plenty of other erotic stories using this perspective. SR71PLT is correct that it's not second person, it's first person. I wish there was a term to use to describe this version of first person; if there is I don't know it.

Real second person is rare, and comes across, to me, as forced. The most famous example I've read is Jay McInerny's Bright Lights Big City, which is written in second person, present tense, beginning something like "You are not the sort of person who would be in a place like this at this time of night, but here you are . . . " The word "I" never appears in the novel.

But, getting back to the author's story, I think this perspective works fine for a short story like this. Personally, I like more buildup to a sex scene so I can enjoy it fully, a little more exploration of the parties' motives and what they did and thought before the sex happened. But for a very short, sexy-focused story I think it worked well.
__________________
My stories are at https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-18-2017, 03:17 PM   #14
AlinaX
Virgin
 
AlinaX is offline
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: U.K.
Posts: 25
Talking to the Wall, perhaps, the wall in question being a very broken fourth wall...

It makes sense in correspondance where the 'you' is a specific other person, but it's very difficult to read when 'you' is the reader and the fiction is putting the reader in the place of a fictional character.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-19-2017, 12:30 AM   #15
SimonDoom
Literotica Guru
 
SimonDoom is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 981
Quote:
Originally Posted by AlinaX View Post
Talking to the Wall, perhaps, the wall in question being a very broken fourth wall...

It makes sense in correspondance where the 'you' is a specific other person, but it's very difficult to read when 'you' is the reader and the fiction is putting the reader in the place of a fictional character.
Especially if the narrator is a male "I" seducing a female "you" and the majority of the readership is male.
__________________
My stories are at https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:56 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.