Old 12-14-2017, 09:35 AM   #1
HankUric
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First Story

Would love to get thoughts:

https://www.literotica.com/s/mike-and-eve
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Old 12-14-2017, 12:56 PM   #2
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Care to give us a description, or even the category, before we click?
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Old 12-14-2017, 05:12 PM   #3
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Care to give us a description, or even the category, before we click?
A soulless, clinical vignette about a wannabe stud who insists on not using a condom. She has an arrangement with a kind pharmacist for the morning after pill. In less than a thousand words.

A curious piece. Hank can write, I'll grant him that. This one is an "observation on the human condition." It certainly isn't stroke, it's not an 'erotica' crowd pleaser, but it's swift and efficient. A bit like "Last Exit to Brooklyn" on a post card.
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Old 12-14-2017, 06:21 PM   #4
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Well, okay then...
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Old 12-14-2017, 07:09 PM   #5
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...but it's swift and efficient. A bit like "Last Exit to Brooklyn" on a post card.
Wow. I'll take that any day.
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Old 12-14-2017, 09:20 PM   #6
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Wow. I'll take that any day.
Way to go - someone knows who I'm talking about.
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Old 12-15-2017, 01:13 AM   #7
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Way to go - someone knows who I'm talking about.
i was a little worried when you started off with soulless, clinical vignette but then vindicated with the final comparison.
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Old 12-15-2017, 12:06 PM   #8
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It was interesting. It wasn't an erotic story so much as making a point about sex and the politics of a relationship. Mike is not a likeable character and I never understood why Eve put up with his shit when she was clearly smarter than he was. I'm guessing it was a fun little story to write that scratched an itch you had.
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Old 12-15-2017, 07:07 PM   #9
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Thank you for reading. Yeah it isn't really erotica, hope you enjoyed the read though.

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I never understood why Eve put up with his shit when she was clearly smarter than he was
True, I've always asked myself this question when I meet anyone in any sort of toxic relationship.
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Old 12-16-2017, 01:08 PM   #10
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"Eve's movement slows down to the point where even his most masterful of thrusts just make the look of frustration on her face increase in amplitude. Mike Gilroy stops mid pump and with his cock halfway out, takes a moment to search for his most manliest of tones to reassert dominance before she gets the idea to complain. Again." (59 words)


Eve's movements slow. Even Mike's most masterful thrusts only increase her frustration. He stops mid-pump, his cock half way out, reaches for his most manly tone to reassert his dominance before she complains. Again. (35 words)

It seems as though you may have entered into some weird contest in which the primary principal goal is to insert as many useless words into the sentences of which your story is made as is humanly possible on this planet or any other. Sentences with fewer modifiers are stronger. I think you will find your writer's craft will become more finely tuned if you don't try to be creative, just let the words flow. After every story I write, I run it through find and replace for too many "ands" and "thats,""justs" and "onlys", then I look for "nearly" and "almost." Last I look for "suddenly" Then I try to go back and try to read my story as if I had never seen it. Have I made it easy or difficult to read? If I have made it difficult, have I done so on purpose? Do my sentences flow or stumble? Check out how many modifiers you use.

You could use a good editor.
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Old 12-16-2017, 06:20 PM   #11
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You could use a good editor.
Said pot to the kettle.

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Old 12-16-2017, 07:45 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by robertreams View Post
primary principal goal
Primary goal; principal goal; or just goal. All work to get your point across without the extra modifier(s).

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Originally Posted by robertreams View Post
You could use a good editor.
---------------------------------------------------

Snark aside, this is an excellent tip. Will keep this in mind for next time.
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After every story I write, I run it through find and replace for too many "ands" and "thats,""justs" and "onlys", then I look for "nearly" and "almost." Last I look for "suddenly" Then I try to go back and try to read my story as if I had never seen it. Have I made it easy or difficult to read? If I have made it difficult, have I done so on purpose? Do my sentences flow or stumble?
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Old 12-16-2017, 10:51 PM   #13
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OK, whether Robert followed his own suggestion or not, he's right that the original of the short example given is bloated with unnecessary words.

An issue, though, is that Robert's rendering muddles up the perspective. In the original, it's all from the male's perspective. Robert's rewrite slips in the female's perspective. "Even Mike's most masterful thrusts only increase her frustration." That the female is actually frustrated can only be known from her perspective. The male can only surmise it is from description of her reactions.

But on that other thing--yeah, the original is too wordy. "Style" isn't justified by use of unnecessary words. (e.g., reducing "his most masterful of thrusts" to "his most masterful thrusts" doesn't disturb the original style or voice of writing. It just reduces the bloat.)
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Old 12-17-2017, 10:11 PM   #14
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reducing "his most masterful of thrusts" to "his most masterful thrusts" doesn't disturb the original style or voice of writing. It just reduces the bloat.
Good feedback. After a few reads there are a few points where bloat should be reduced.
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