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Old 12-09-2017, 11:37 AM   #1
AmoryParks
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Feedback on a BDSM story

I'm looking for feedback on a short story I wrote. I'd like to say its more emotional than most of the stuff I write, but that might not be true. Either way, it's not a light read.

It's my first post in BDSM: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-burdens-of-others

Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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Old 12-09-2017, 12:07 PM   #2
nickevans87
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I loved this story. I love the ending and the way it is painful to watch someone change so dramatically after a tipping point in their lives. Oriel was a treat as a character. Watching her go from tough-as-nails and optimistic to a broken, defeated version of herself. You do an excellent job in showing how far she has fallen.

I have not read any of your other efforts, but if this story is an example of how good they are, I probably should.

If I may say so, it was less erotica and more the story of someone finally reaching a breaking point and cracking. I loved the open ending you left, but part of me wants a sequel and hopes she is okay. It will take some time and maybe even some counselling and therapy. But she will be okay.
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Old 12-09-2017, 12:25 PM   #3
AmoryParks
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Thank you so much for reading it! I'm really glad Oriel's trajectory came through, it was the original concept that inspired the story.

I knew it kind of treated sex as secondary so i wasn't sure how it would be received but I'm glad you enjoyed reading it.

I hope my writing had gotten better as time goes on but if you end up reading any of the other stories I've written I'd love to hear what you think.
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Old 12-11-2017, 06:36 PM   #4
AwkwardMD
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Bump.

Amory is a good friend of mine, and if any of you passed because you saw that it was a BDSM story, I'd invite you to give it a chance. The BDSM elements are not heavy or fetishy.
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Old 12-11-2017, 09:51 PM   #5
Dream_Operator
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The story is well written, but I had a hard time meshing the two major plot lines together -- the erotic scenes seemed rushed and forced, and the tragic situation seemed to draw a reader's attention away from any erotic elements -- tricky to pull off.

It might have worked better going in one direction or the other.

I found this part particularly confusing:

Quote:
"It's not much—" she gestured at the sad little cot positioned on the larger side of her tent "—but if it makes you feel any better, you won't be sleeping much." Her equally abysmal bed was just through the zip-up barrier that divided the tent in two. "I'd set up the other doctor's tent for you but we recommissioned it for a women's unit."

Ed nodded and turned to see her disappearing through the flap. "C'mon soldier!" he heard her call from outside and he dumped his pack in his haste to follow her.

She came to him that night. He hadn't even considered the possibility when he'd finally collapsed in his cot worn out from the day. She climbed on top of him as his eyes opened to her blurry form silhouetted against the glow of the flood lights outside.
Did Ed follow Oriel into her side of the tent? What happened? Who knows? And why was he back on his cot when she returned?

Last edited by Dream_Operator : 12-11-2017 at 10:21 PM.
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Old 12-12-2017, 04:23 PM   #6
AmoryParks
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Thanks for pointing out the ambiguity there. I can see where it might be confusing.

It's too bad that the two plots felt incongruous to you. the BDSM aspect is suppose to compliment the pressure Oriel finds herself under, constantly making life or death decisions for others. So she finds quiet in the moments where she is finally not in control. Her breakdown at the end is very much a product of not having that balance. If that makes sense.

thanks for giving it a chance and giving me feedback! It's much appreciated.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dream_Operator View Post
The story is well written, but I had a hard time meshing the two major plot lines together -- the erotic scenes seemed rushed and forced, and the tragic situation seemed to draw a reader's attention away from any erotic elements -- tricky to pull off.

It might have worked better going in one direction or the other.

I found this part particularly confusing:



Did Ed follow Oriel into her side of the tent? What happened? Who knows? And why was he back on his cot when she returned?
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