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Old 12-01-2017, 02:11 AM   #1
asktoday32 is offline
Join Date: Nov 2017
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Looking for Feedback: My first story


I would appreciate if you let me know how it is. Thanks for taking time to read.

Last edited by asktoday32 : 12-01-2017 at 02:18 AM.
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Old 12-03-2017, 07:04 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by asktoday32 View Post

I would appreciate if you let me know how it is. Thanks for taking time to read.
Hi asktoday32. I saw your request and that no one had responded. I don't know if I'm the best person to give advice, but any new author deserves feedback. So here's mine. I hope it is not too discouraging, because I think you have potential.

Overall, I thought your storytelling style was too complex. The timeline with all of the flashbacks was difficult to follow. With a bit more planning, you could have told the story in a straight-forward, linear timeline. Using the flashbacks didn't serve much of a purpose that I could see and just confused the plot.

There are a number of scenes that seem unnecessary. Like the PE scene. It doesn't advance the plot, and it doesn't tell us much about Pooja that we don't already know. Perhaps you are foreshadowing something in an upcoming chapter, but it doesn't feel like it. It just feels tacked on.

You repeated information, like how strict the house rules are and how Issac is in the drama club. In a short story format like this, you don't usually need to retread the ground you've already covered. You might repeat details like that from chapter to chapter, but not twice in the same chapter.

One of the golden rules of writing is Show them, don't tell them. You spent a lot of time telling the reader things instead of showing them. For example you tell the reader "Pooja's birthday party was attended by her school friends and her sleepover friends." Instead you could show the reader with something like. "Pooja maneuvered through the birthday party crowd chatting and laughing with different knots of people. All of her friends from school had congregated in the kitchen, while her sleepover friends clustered in the den." The same information is there, but the second example paints a picture.

There are a couple of strong points though. Your dialog doesn't suck. It's not great, but it is ok. Dialog is something a lot of first time writers struggle with. You did a pretty good job. Use more dialog going forward.

Your phone message from Issac was very well done. In fact I'd say that you write better in first-person than you do in third. Personally I find first-person easier than the third-person-omniscient perspective that you've used here. You may want to consider starting over and telling the whole story from Pooja's point of view. I know that's a lot of work to re-do though.

Pooja is a very well developed character. She has depth. You've obviously given her a lot of thought. Many first time writers give us a two dimension caricature, but you've done much more than that, making Pooja feel real.

So over all, this is not a great first effort, but it is an admirable one. I think you probably have an interesting story to tell, which is the most important thing. You just need to figure out how to tell it in a way that is more readable. Having the story edited was a good call for fixing typos and grammar issues, but I would recommend googling some writing tutorials and doing some practice pieces before you try to push forward with this story you've committed to.

Don't give up. Very few people are great their first time out.
My latest story:
Springer Mountain Bride (Romance; 10 pages)
After the night we shared, I never thought I'd see her again.

The rest of my prosaic little stroke stories
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