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Old 11-09-2017, 07:26 AM   #1
FrenchMagic
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Need feedback to improve after my first time ... writing

Hello fellow readers and authors, I would be honored (no less ) if you could give a go to my first story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-journ...eriences-ch-01

It is a story categorized in Erotic couplings, which I hope can please both men and women.

Please send me your reviews so I can improve my writing, tell me what you liked, what should be improved ...

Be a tiny bit indulgent because it was my first and I am not a native speaker, but do point out critically important mistakes to help me refine my meager skills lol

Thank you all
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:35 PM   #2
8letters
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Here's a summary of my advice on writing literotica stories:
1. Have an interesting premise
2. Have two likeable characters who have an obvious attraction for each other
3. Get into telling us about #1 and #2 quickly
4. Describe your characters when they are introduced. Give an amount of description based upon how important they are to the story
5. Your characters shouldn’t come into existence when they appear in your story. They should have a backstory and an age-appropriate on-going life. In particular, they should have a reason for being unattached at that moment
6. Every fact about your character and every action they take has implications. Be sure that your story is consistent with those implications. A main character has a six-pack stomach? That’s has a lot of implications for how he spends his time and the people he knows. A main character drives a top-of-the-line Mercedes convertible? That has huge implications for her tastes and the life she lives
7. Avoid omniscient writer syndrome where what you write makes sense because of facts you know but haven’t told the reader
8. Show. Don’t tell

Your story had a lot of potential. I like the idea of a romance between two people visiting Shanghai for the first time. The sex scene was good.

To me, your characters had no depth. You spent a lot of time physically describing them, but very little time giving them personality. I didn't have much of a emotional bond with them, so I didn't really care when they had sex.

One piece of advice I've seen repeatedly is that your story should start just before something interesting happens. What interesting happens in your story? I can't think of anything that was interesting. Courtney saying goodbye to her parents? No. Courtney traveling to the airport? No. Courtney getting on the plane? No. Courtney flying on the plane? A little. Courtney arriving in Shanghai? Could have been interesting, but wasn't. Getting a room in the hostel? "One room left" - really trite.

Someone visiting Shanghai for the first time? That could have been so awesome. Describe the wonder Courtney feels as she travels through the city. What catches her eye? Share her fears and frustrations. Make her alive for the reader.

I would have preferred a lot more romance between Courtney and Aiden before they fuck. I probably would have started the story with Courtney having breakfast at the hostel in Shanghai. She spots a guy she noticed getting on the plane and he asks if he can join her. They introduce themselves and start flirting. They decide to tour Shanghai together. More flirting, then they spend the night together. See "My European Summer Vacation" in my sig for an example of what I'm talking about.

As for your English - it definitely needs improvement. Your main issue is that you use commas when you should you use periods. But the biggest problem is that your paragraphs seem to have little purpose. For example:
Quote:
Seeing the airport just a few minutes away, she jumped off her seat, grabbed her bag and headed out of the train. As she got out, two handsome men in their thirties turned their heads and admired her beauty. Courtney was a petite girl appearing to be in her early twenties, her long and full red hear was shining in the sun and although she had made no effort to emphasize on her body that day as she wore comfortable clothes for the travel, it was clear that she was beautiful. She smiled at the two men who were getting in the train and walked to the airport.
What's the point of the paragraph? How does it advance the story? It's only point seems to be to describe Courtney, but you can slip a description of Courtney into almost any paragraph. What does Courtney think of the two men checking her out?

My re-write:
Quote:
When Courtney exited the train at the airport, two men in their thirties turned their heads to check her out. As Courtney was a petite twenty-two year old with long, full red hair and a firm, well-rounded body, she frequently drew looks. She smiled at the two men and walked into the terminal.
Last piece of advice - don't continue this story. Chapter two will only be read by people who liked chapter one. As Courtney and Aiden have already fucked, most of the thrill of the story is gone. You're not going to get a lot of views, votes and comments on later chapters. Move on to a different story.
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Old 11-09-2017, 01:50 PM   #3
FrenchMagic
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Thank you for taking the time to read it and write your review. It was comprehensive and I'll definitely think of those points next time I write.

I actually think you are quite right about all of it, now I'll just try to keep writing to improve.

Thanks again
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Old 11-09-2017, 05:44 PM   #4
electricblue66
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FrenchMagic,

I read your story simply because my friend 8letters used the magical words "show, don't tell," which made me chuckle - because I think 8L is the master of tell, not show, and he and I have exchanged a number of friendly conversations - my style is so very much the opposite of his.

But he is right - you're providing a detailed narrative of getting on a plane, stowing bags, and it's dull.

You know how we all sit through the cabin briefings, paying no attention at all because we've heard it all before, and then you notice the attendant has got a cute little dimple, or her lipstick is a little uneven and she looks tired, and you begin to wonder what she was doing last night?

You've given us the safety card in the seat pocket. You need to show us the dimple or the tired smile.

But then you give us this:

Quote:
A tiny little flame had been lit deep within her and that flame was only getting hotter and hotter warming her body from inside. Although that flame was not yet wild it was only growing in intensity and as it did, Courtney's thoughts were like freed from the shackles of her mind...
- lose the "like" (your generation, please, just learn another word; "like" is, like, so meaningless) and these sentences are the best in your story.

My advice - collaboration with another writer is very difficult. I've done one collab with a writer here, and it only worked because we both know our own styles, and we each wrote using characters we'd already established. As practiced writers, we fed off each other and came up with an interesting piece.

Shameless self promotion: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-floating-world-pt-04-1

Whereas you are still finding your own style, your own voice, and still learning the technical writing stuff. At this point you need a rigorous editor to help with your basic writing - it shows that English is not your native language, as 8L points out.

The story isn't strong enough or self contained to stand by itself, so you might as well continue learning the basics with these characters for one or two more chapters, but 8L is right, don't drag it on. Wrap something up, short and sweet, and write another one.

I didn't score your story, but the flickering glimmer of the sentences quoted above got my attention, and by themselves, a five. Write more like that, give us emotion and depth, and you'll get readers.

Also, if you're native born French and grew up in France, write from your own experience in America - that would be first-hand cross cultural experience right there, and could be more interesting than taking your characters to Shanghai - which most of your readers won't know anything about.

Good luck.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:18 AM   #5
FrenchMagic
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Again, Thank you for taking the time!!

I would love to write about that French guy in USA, but I am myself still in France and haven't been to US yet. Gave me some ideas nevertheless that deserve some thinking.

I like the suggestion of an editor, I'll probably do that.
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Old 11-10-2017, 06:34 AM   #6
electricblue66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrenchMagic View Post
Again, Thank you for taking the time!!

I would love to write about that French guy in USA, but I am myself still in France and haven't been to US yet. Gave me some ideas nevertheless that deserve some thinking.

I like the suggestion of an editor, I'll probably do that.
Write the French guy in France. A lot of Lit readers have probably never been outside their own country, and anyone from a different culture can be a automatically interesting.
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Old 11-10-2017, 10:50 AM   #7
8letters
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FrenchMagic View Post
Again, Thank you for taking the time!!

I would love to write about that French guy in USA, but I am myself still in France and haven't been to US yet. Gave me some ideas nevertheless that deserve some thinking.

I like the suggestion of an editor, I'll probably do that.
It showed that you hadn't been to the US. Public transportation in the US isn't nearly as good as in France. I'd expect Courtney's family to drive her to the airport instead of having her take public transportation. Checking the LAX website, it looks like Courtney would have to take a shuttle bus from the closest light rail station to the airport.

I think the story would have been more interesting if Courtney had been French and there had been some cultural and language challenges with Aiden.
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Old 11-10-2017, 04:49 PM   #8
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
It showed that you hadn't been to the US. Public transportation in the US isn't nearly as good as in France. I'd expect Courtney's family to drive her to the airport instead of having her take public transportation. Checking the LAX website, it looks like Courtney would have to take a shuttle bus from the closest light rail station to the airport.
Speaking as somebody who grew up in Australia and then lived in California for a spell: this is 100% true. It's not that CA doesn't have public transport, it's that the bits don't join up effectively.

https://inhabitat.com/what-happened-...es-streetcars/

Last edited by Bramblethorn : 11-10-2017 at 04:55 PM.
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Old 11-19-2017, 03:37 PM   #9
robertreams
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrenchMagic View Post
Hello fellow readers and authors, I would be honored (no less ) if you could give a go to my first story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/a-journ...eriences-ch-01

It is a story categorized in Erotic couplings, which I hope can please both men and women.

Please send me your reviews so I can improve my writing, tell me what you liked, what should be improved ...

Be a tiny bit indulgent because it was my first and I am not a native speaker, but do point out critically important mistakes to help me refine my meager skills lol

Thank you all
Seeing the airport a few minutes away, she jumped from her seat, grabbed her bag and rushed to detrain. Two handsome men in their thirties, turned their heads to admire her beauty, even though she had worn concealing, comfortable clothes for travel. Courtney was a petite woman of twenty-two. Her long, lush red hair shone in the sun. She smiled at her two admirers, turning to walk he short distance to the airport's “departures” entrance. 75 words.

This is not to suggest that you adopt my revision, but that you examine your work to cut out unnecessary words that only slow down the reader's comprehension. “That” is the most often overused word. Others include “just,” and ,“and” You should also avoid qualifying everything as “almost” “nearly”, etc. (see example below) Admittedly, also, there will be times when you want even shorter simpler sentences to increase the action, or more cumbersome sentences like Poe uses in his dreary stories.

From a distance Courtney had missed the boy's clear green eyes radiating intelligence. She feigned calm, turning her gaze forward, yet she couldn't not think how sexy and cute this guy was. His strong manliness paired with those devastating eyes was a strong turn-on.
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Last edited by robertreams : 11-19-2017 at 03:49 PM.
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