Old 10-10-2017, 10:20 AM   #1
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Feedback please

Ok, so Laurel apparently decided it passed the not-verbotten test and wasn't too horrible so my first Lit contribution is published.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-winner-1


Thanks to Saucyminx for her time and effort in reading and editing. I did add a little bit to the story since you saw it but not too much - only around 5k words or so.

Feedback is appreciated, this is my first attempt at 1st person female POV. Also, I don't know why the paragraph indents are missing, they are there in the original. Any ideas on that?
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Old 10-10-2017, 10:47 AM   #2
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Also, I don't know why the paragraph indents are missing, they are there in the original. Any ideas on that?
The default Lit publishing is left justified, no paragraph indents. Look at all other stories - it's the "house" format.
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Old 10-10-2017, 02:29 PM   #3
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I didn't care for it. Page 1 was all about the twins, which are creepy. No plot, no action; just paragraph after paragraph describing the twins. And the description made no sense - the twins are holding hands and kissing while naked and aren't feeling any sexual excitement? Why are they kissing if it's not giving them pleasure? Why does Saint feel "Sin" is her real name when it's "Saint"?

Then suddenly, Saint is trying to make out with the stepmom. No prelude, no establishment of some desire - Saint pins her against the refrigerator and tries to start kissing her. Saint sounds totally messed up with no concept of appropriate boundaries. The stepmom is mildly bothered by Saint's advance. Then the stepmom gets naked with her two stepkids like it's a typical bonding process.

I emailed someone yesterday that the challenge with incest stories is to come up with why the family members decide to get together. There has to be something that attracts them to each other, something that gets them to thinking about crossing the line. There's nothing in this story that I saw that explains why Nick and Saint reached out to their stepmom instead of Nick's ex-girlfriend (or anyone else in the world).
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Old 10-11-2017, 09:17 AM   #4
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The story itself is not my kind of thing, so it wouldn't be fair for me to comment on that, but I will make a comment on the writing style.

I think you could be a bit less wordy and make the narrative flow more smoothly. This is something I learned myself, as I wrote more. Don't overexplain or describe to the reader, assume they are smart enough to follow along.

Here's an example of what I mean:

Quote:
It nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw them in bed. They'd gone to sleep in their individual rooms the night before but sometime in the middle of the night Saint had moved from her own bed into Nick's. Passing by his open bedroom door the next morning, I glanced in to see them both in bed together. The covers were in disarray, hanging off the foot of the bed while leaving them in full view.
Bearing in mind that the narrator has discussed seeing them in bed together in the previous paragraph, I tried sharpening this paragraph up a bit. See if you don't think it reads better:

Quote:
It nearly gave me a heart attack the first time I saw them. They'd gone to sleep in their individual rooms the night before but during the night Saint had moved from her bed into Nick's. Passing by his open door the next morning, I glanced in to see them in bed together. The covers were in disarray, hanging off the foot of the bed, leaving them in full view.
Your voice is your voice, and I respect that, but I think my edit made the paragraph a bit more "reader friendly."

Anyway, congratulations on getting it published, and good luck going forward.
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Old 10-11-2017, 11:45 AM   #5
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Thanks to you both. I can see that I need to work on my ability to convey information to the reader. This is useful, thanks.
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Old 10-11-2017, 12:29 PM   #6
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Thanks to you both. I can see that I need to work on my ability to convey information to the reader. This is useful, thanks.
I am glad you found my comments helpful.

I have found it useful to read what I have written out loud to myself. It helps me get a good feel for rythm and flow.
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Old 10-11-2017, 12:30 PM   #7
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Thanks to you both. I can see that I need to work on my ability to convey information to the reader. This is useful, thanks.
I don't know to consider this a serious problem or not - but I was put off by the start of your story, the italics part. To me, it looked like crap with the doublespacing of every line and the ragged right edge. Copyright notice for a free story is a waste of characters and a waste of my reading time. Ditto for "this is a work of fiction". I don't see the point of warning the reader what's in the story as all readers know it contains incest. You didn't make a positive first impression with the start of your story.
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Old 10-11-2017, 01:53 PM   #8
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I am glad you found my comments helpful.

I have found it useful to read what I have written out loud to myself. It helps me get a good feel for rythm and flow.
It is helpful because it reminds me to trim my work. In legal writing, one MUST include everything; every word, every meaning of the word, every counter understand of the word. Not doing that means the writer either left it out intentionally or because of bad research or understanding of the issue of law in question. So, lawyers tend to get repetitively wordy to be sure they didn't forget something and to be sure that the law clerk who reads it gets the point. One MUST assume that the reader IS stupid. Not because they are, but because they aren't trying to understand. Nor do they care about what one wrote in the brief unless one screams at them loudest. (Such is the reality of practicing law - the squeaky wheel gets all the attention. It doesn't necessarily WIN, but it gets attention.)

It's different in fiction writing. Readers aren't stupid and they get the point quickly so you don't have to repeat it ad infinitum. And sometimes subtlety is appreciated more than bold statements.

I have to do more to make my work conform better to the expectations of readers who WANT to read it. So, yes, your comments were very helpful.
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Old 10-14-2017, 07:10 PM   #9
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Out of curiosity, how can a boy and girl be identical twins? You lost me very early in this tale.

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Old 10-14-2017, 09:33 PM   #10
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Out of curiosity, how can a boy and girl be idential twins? You lost me very early in this tale.
Maybe if you're going to rag on someone, spell identical right. Just a thought.
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Old 10-15-2017, 12:46 AM   #11
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Maybe if you're going to rag on someone, spell identical right. Just a thought.
It's called "a typo when using a cell". One letter missing. Fixed now. Thanks.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:53 PM   #12
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Out of curiosity, how can a boy and girl be identical twins? You lost me very early in this tale.
If they have the same DNA helix except for the gender X/Y difference what else would you call them? Dopplegangers? They aren't fraternal twins because they have the same DNA.

From Wiki:

Quote:
Twins are two offspring produced by the same pregnancy. Twins can be either monozygotic ("identical"), meaning that they develop from one zygote, which splits and forms two embryos, or dizygotic ("fraternal"), meaning that they develop from two different eggs. In fraternal twins, each twin is fertilized by its own sperm cell.
The story required the reader to think about some of the details themselves. A chimera twin, for example, is 2 separate fertilized eggs which conjoin during cellular reproduction. The 2 become 1 with cells from both eggs.

My story required the reader (if they so chose) to understand the possibility that the 2 conjoined eggs (Chimera) could re-separate and become 2 distinct individuals again who each carried both DNA profiles. Which would create 2 individuals from 1 (fused) embryo. They cannot be fraternal twins because they have the exact same DNA. They aren't true Chimera twins because they are separate. They aren't identical (as you say and I agree under the strict scientific definition) because 1 is male and 1 female.

Yet, of the 3 possibilities, identical Chimera twin is the most correct description. The characters are unique, different, and as far as I know of, this type of Chimerism has never happened before. Thus, I had to describe them in terms the reader would understand without getting all scientific. For the universe the story is set it, it works, feels real and is logically consistent with the details and plot. They are identical except for gender because they both carry the same double DNA Helix.

Not everyone chose to accept those details that way. Those who liked the story either just went with it or didn't care because the story was interesting enough to skip the part they didn't want to think about. But some others preferred to do otherwise and the missing details dropped them out of the story.

Which is fine. Not every story fits every reader's idea of how things should go. I have given away tons of books that I've bought thinking I'd like them but I couldn't get past the beginning when I tried to read them. That's the way it is and I'm ok with you doing the same here.
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:56 PM   #13
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Identical twins are of the same gender, fraternal twins aren't always.
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Old 10-15-2017, 03:01 PM   #14
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Identical twins are of the same gender, fraternal twins are not.
They are identical CHIMERA twins. The known rules don't necessarily have to apply.

2 zygotes = Fraternal twins if nothing else happens;
then the 2 zygotes join = Chimera twin - only 1 individual if nothing else happens;
then the chimera separates = Identical twins either of the same gender or opposite gender depending on whether there is a dominant X or Y in each individual. Under this condition, had the Chimera not divided, the individual may have been a hermaphrodite.

The question is whether the readers want all the scientific/medical stuff in the story. I chose to keep it from being boring and left that stuff out.

Finally:
There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

It IS fiction after all.
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Old 10-15-2017, 07:17 PM   #15
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They are identical CHIMERA twins. The known rules don't necessarily have to apply.

2 zygotes = Fraternal twins if nothing else happens;
then the 2 zygotes join = Chimera twin - only 1 individual if nothing else happens;
then the chimera separates = Identical twins either of the same gender or opposite gender depending on whether there is a dominant X or Y in each individual.
In genetics "dominant" is a term of art which doesn't mean what you're using it for here.

By definition, if one twin has male genitalia and the other has female genitalia, then they are not identical.

I think it may be possible to have the sort of scenario you describe where an XX/XY chimera splits into two XX/XYs. Depending on which tissues are descended from which parts of the chimera, you could then end up with one with male genitalia and one with female. But that won't be the only difference between them, because the XX tissues will also be different to the XY in all their other chromosomes - and also because the X and Y chromosomes don't only code for genitals.
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Old 10-15-2017, 07:52 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Bramblethorn

By definition, if one twin has male genitalia and the other has female genitalia, then they are not identical.

I think it may be possible to have the sort of scenario you describe where an XX/XY chimera splits into two XX/XYs. Depending on which tissues are descended from which parts of the chimera, you could then end up with one with male genitalia and one with female. But that won't be the only difference between them, because the XX tissues will also be different to the XY in all their other chromosomes - and also because the X and Y chromosomes don't only code for genitals.
Thank you.
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Old 10-15-2017, 08:04 PM   #17
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.............

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Old 10-15-2017, 11:50 PM   #18
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Previous detailed explanation Deleted.

Instead:

Go fuck yourselves.

It's fiction. If you want to write it the way you envision it, then do so. If you want to write a scientific treatise on the merits of Chimerism and cloning, GO AHEAD. No one's stopping you.

But that's not what you're doing here. Instead you're telling the author of a story to change the way it was written to conform to the ideas YOU HAVE instead of the ideas he developed from scratch. And then telling that author he's WRONG for doing it HIS WAY instead of yours.

That's not feedback. It's not even criticism. It's you telling an author what to write on the basis of your likes and desires and not his own. You malign the story, not because it's poorly done, but because you would have written it differently.

I reiterate my first sentence; go fuck yourselves. Put me on ignore (PLEASE!) and stop reading/commenting on my posts (and story) so I don't have to put up with your fake technical bullshit.
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Old 10-16-2017, 05:19 AM   #19
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I reiterate my first sentence; go fuck yourselves. Put me on ignore (PLEASE!) and stop reading/commenting on my posts (and story)
pro tip: the only person whose behaviour you control is your own. If you don't want to hear from other people, putting them on ignore is a much more productive and grown-up way to achieve that than commanding them to stop replying to you.

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so I don't have to put up with your fake technical bullshit.
well...
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:28 PM   #20
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pro tip: the only person whose behaviour you control is your own. If you don't want to hear from other people, putting them on ignore is a much more productive and grown-up way to achieve that than commanding them to stop replying to you.



well...
A lifetime achievement that no one can refute. You have proven yourself to be smart, educated and well read and can rightfully point to your accomplishments as proof of your efforts to improve not only yourself but mankind as well.

Except that your reality-based technical expertise and accomplishments mean NOTHING in my fantasy reality. In that literary universe I set the rules. Not you, or modern science, or medicine. Me.

If I want to create a story about an alien who comes to earth as an infant and who looks exactly like an earth humanoid except the character draws super energy from the radiation from the sun to the point he's invulnerable, can fly without mechanical assistance, shoot dangerous radiation from his eyes and wears clothes made up of fabrics that can't be penetrated by any known earth based item, AND who can cross-breed with humans; why, I'd be the creator of Superman and NONE OF THAT would be derided by you and your expertise in medicine, genetics and science. Even if it defies ALL the laws of the known universe.

But, let me describe my twin characters as I will, in my own story, as the author of said story, and suddenly I'm a worse villain than Lex Luthor. I told I don't know what I'm talking about in the universe I created. I'm told I'm so horrible an author that the forum based formatting made my story appear so awful that I didn't make a good impression on the readers. And so forth.

You see, what's happened is that some members dislike me on a persona level. They've taken that dislike to extremes and have broken forum guidelines and rules. And while they are doing that, you support and encourage them to the detriment of those they are abusing.

You are a long-time member of this board. You rest on your well earned credits yet allow others to mistreat others and then jump in at the last minute to add your contribution to the abuse. Actions I don't see as worthy of your accolades. But then I'm not you and I can't control your actions.

I can't control the actions of others. But I also don't assist them either. Can you say the same?

Be that as it may, this thread was for other members to give feedback. It wasn't created for trolls to thread crap on me under the guise of false commentary about my story. It wasn't created so trolls could band together to 1-bomb my ratings to make them drop 6 points in just a couple of hours immediately after they started ragging on me here. It wasn't created so that said trolls could cut & paste posts from this thread as anonymous comments about my story - and then 1-bomb some more.

This forum is to encourage others to write. To create and to stretch themselves. Ask yourself, HONESTLY, if the feedback I've received in this thread contributes to that ideal. Not whether my attitude deserves it or not, but whether the STORY deserves it or not. You're smart, you can summarize the contents of each reply post in less than 10 words. Do that and then look and see if the feedback given is actually deserved feedback or thread crapping out of malice and spite. Do it and make up your own mind. Or not.
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Old 10-16-2017, 07:44 PM   #21
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Except that your reality-based technical expertise and accomplishments mean NOTHING in my fantasy reality. In that literary universe I set the rules. Not you, or modern science, or medicine. Me.

If I want to create a story about an alien who comes to earth as an infant and who looks exactly like an earth humanoid except the character draws super energy from the radiation from the sun to the point he's invulnerable, can fly without mechanical assistance, shoot dangerous radiation from his eyes and wears clothes made up of fabrics that can't be penetrated by any known earth based item, AND who can cross-breed with humans; why, I'd be the creator of Superman and NONE OF THAT would be derided by you and your expertise in medicine, genetics and science. Even if it defies ALL the laws of the known universe.
OK, let's talk Superman for a moment.

One of the enduring quirks of the Superman universes is that people are amazingly terrible at seeing through the world's crappiest disguise. Lois Lane is a top journalist who's familiar with both "Clark Kent" and Superman; Lex Luthor is a super-genius with reason to dig up everything he can on his arch-nemesis.

Usually this goes unmentioned, but back in 1978 (Superman #330) the writers decided to address it head-on. Superman's disguise stopped working and he started thinking about it. He too realised that it was an utterly rubbish disguise that shouldn't work on anybody, and eventually he figured out what was happening: he has mostly-unconscious powers of mass hypnosis, and his glasses (made of some sci-fi material from his childhood escape capsule) allow him to focus that power to make those around him see "Clark Kent" differently. In photos Clark is simply Superman with glasses, but when a sketch artist is asked to draw a portrait from a photo of "Clark", the sketch comes out weaker and less handsome.

Unless you were reading Superman comics in 1978, it's quite likely that you never heard about this. You'd need to confirm with a comics historian, but my understanding is that the readers and writers alike seem to have decided that this was a bad idea and tacitly agreed never to speak of it again. So, yeah, even Superman's writers have to deal with limits on what their readers will accept.

A similar thing happened in the Star Wars films. Viewers were perfectly content to believe in The Force, a sort of psychic-magic power... and then Episode 1 offered up a science-y explanation, "midichlorians", microscopic life forms that lived within cells of intelligent beings (presumably based on mitochondria?) and powered the magic. Again, it was not well received, and a lot of fans prefer to pretend that it never happened.

Suspension of disbelief is a complex thing. Just about everybody enjoys some form of fiction, even when we know it's fiction. One of the most beloved shows in TV history is about a talking frog who is really obviously a puppet, trying to run a variety show while a talking pig pursues a relationship with him. Except for maybe Richard Dawkins, I've never heard of anybody who found it impossible to enjoy the Muppet Show because they couldn't believe in it.

And yet, I'd bet that everybody in this discussion has had some "this is bullshit" moment where their suspension of disbelief collapsed and hurt their enjoyment of the story.

Several readers have told you that for them, the chimera part of your story was such an element. You can ascribe that to negativity if you want, but you might do better to accept that it really did cause them problems, and work to understand why people might find it harder to swallow that genetic element than, say, a man of steel or a talking frog.

If you are willing to accept that, and interested in talking about the "why", then I could post some more thoughts on this after I get off work. But it takes a non-trivial amount of effort for me to compose; if you're convinced that these criticisms are in bad faith and unwilling to consider why people might genuinely have that reaction, then it'd be a waste of my time and yours. Let me know.

(Also, I'll note in passing that Superman was created in the 1930s, at a time when the general public had some very weird and often tragically fatal ideas about radiation, so the rules for audience acceptance were significantly different back then to what they are today, and there's probably a bit of grandfathering involved there.)

Quote:
You see, what's happened is that some members dislike me on a persona level. They've taken that dislike to extremes and have broken forum guidelines and rules. And while they are doing that, you support and encourage them to the detriment of those they are abusing.

You are a long-time member of this board. You rest on your well earned credits yet allow others to mistreat others
I'm not "allowing" anything. I'm not a forum moderator and I have no power to edit or delete other people's posts. If you believe that others have broken the forum rules, there is a button to report those posts; for me it appears as a gray exclamation mark at the bottom-left of each post, but that may depend on your view settings.

Quote:
and then jump in at the last minute to add your contribution to the abuse.
Before your "fuck you" post, the entirety of my contribution to this thread was this comment:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bramblethorn
In genetics "dominant" is a term of art which doesn't mean what you're using it for here.

By definition, if one twin has male genitalia and the other has female genitalia, then they are not identical.

I think it may be possible to have the sort of scenario you describe where an XX/XY chimera splits into two XX/XYs. Depending on which tissues are descended from which parts of the chimera, you could then end up with one with male genitalia and one with female. But that won't be the only difference between them, because the XX tissues will also be different to the XY in all their other chromosomes - and also because the X and Y chromosomes don't only code for genitals.
I am a loss to understand how you consider that to be "contribution to the abuse".

Quote:
Be that as it may, this thread was for other members to give feedback. It wasn't created for trolls to thread crap on me under the guise of false commentary about my story. It wasn't created so trolls could band together to 1-bomb my ratings to make them drop 6 points in just a couple of hours immediately after they started ragging on me here. It wasn't created so that said trolls could cut & paste posts from this thread as anonymous comments about my story - and then 1-bomb some more.
side note: if you're being targeted by 1-bombs, you can request a sweep on your story. The way to do this is to click the "report story" button at the bottom of the story, and then put in a comment - something like "author requesting sweep for malicious voting". I've done it for some of mine in the past; it may take a few days but it can be quite effective in cleaning up bad-faith votes.

Quote:
This forum is to encourage others to write. To create and to stretch themselves. Ask yourself, HONESTLY, if the feedback I've received in this thread contributes to that ideal. Not whether my attitude deserves it or not, but whether the STORY deserves it or not. You're smart, you can summarize the contents of each reply post in less than 10 words. Do that and then look and see if the feedback given is actually deserved feedback or thread crapping out of malice and spite. Do it and make up your own mind. Or not.
I'm looking through the thread and I honestly don't see anything that I'd consider "malice and spite". Just readers talking about the bits that did/didn't work well for them, and suggesting options that might have worked better, which is pretty standard for feedback threads here.

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Old 10-17-2017, 03:10 PM   #22
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(snip the non essential parts)

I'm looking through the thread and I honestly don't see anything that I'd consider "malice and spite". Just readers talking about the bits that did/didn't work well for them, and suggesting options that might have worked better, which is pretty standard for feedback threads here.

There is NO feedback here other than from Melissababy. What you say is feedback is bashing disguised as feedback.

Let's take a look at what I mean:

Some posted that the Twin/Chimera/Genetics elements of the story don't conform with reality.

My response was to elaborate on how I arrived at those details.

More commentary and now some bashing about how the story doesn't follow established known scientific and technical data.

My response: It's a FANTASY!

More attempts to persuade me that it's not real.

My response; DUH! It's a fantasy. It's a world I created. It follows rules I developed.

But, you jump in to say, look at my expertise and see that I know what I'm talking about!!!

One again, my response: DUH! It's still a fantasy. And the "feedback" isn't feedback at all. It's an attempt by you and others to say that I'm wrong in the way I wrote my story because you don't like the fact that it's not scientifically accurate.

And now you say you've little time to continue with your repeated efforts to tell me that my story isn't real and that's what's wrong with it.

What none of you aren't seeing, for whatever reasons, is that it's not supposed to be real. It's a FANTASY.

The beauty of the written word is that it allows me to convey to the reader the thoughts in my head, the dreams I have, and the fantasies I create. Instead of accepting those thoughts as what they are, you and others here berate me for not doing in your way and following your rules. And then you say it's "honest feedback."

It's not. It's neither honest nor feedback.

FEEDBACK would consist of comments on the author creativity, whether there are holes where the story jumps and skips details. Was it consistent in it's universe? Did I put enough imagery in there so that you could see the world I created? Did the ending fit? Was it anti-climatic? Is there Purple Prose?

Did ANY OF YOU even consider that the story is written first person female and I'm a GUY?

No. Instead you focused on whether the FANTASY followed the rules of reality. You went and fact-checked a dream. Some members even went so far as to post horrific anonymous troll comments and 1-bomb the story causing me to lose my calm. Which got posted as more anonymous commentary to the story. I wonder if anyone believes that some random person just accidentally stumbled across my blowup posted above and decided to stick it onto my story comments. I don't - SOMEONE on this thread did it. Some coward who hides behind anonymity to do disgusting things in the dark of night out of spite and malice.

I'm not saying that any of those who posted in the thread did it. I'm saying that someone on the forum who read this thread did it. And, rather than just give their opinion, they decided to screw me over in the worst possible way. They made it personal.

You say this is "honest feedback" and I'm the one not listening. Really? That's what you think is "honest feedback"? It might be par for the course here, but it's neither honest nor feedback. It's trolling and you support it because you don't speak out against it. You're intelligent enough to know the difference and to know your responsibilities as a member, and as an author, to decry it as such. Abuse is abuse and it should not be tolerated under the false guise of "it's not my problem" or "that's just the way we do it here."

In the end it comes do to this: I wrote a fantasy story. You didn't like it. It's not my fault you INSIST on not suspending your disbelief to enjoy it. I don't deserve to be abused by trolls and cowards merely because I won't write MY STORY to their (and your) personal preferences.
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Last edited by HisArpy : 10-17-2017 at 03:14 PM.
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Old 10-17-2017, 06:31 PM   #23
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisArpy View Post
There is NO feedback here other than from Melissababy. What you say is feedback is bashing disguised as feedback.

Let's take a look at what I mean:

Some posted that the Twin/Chimera/Genetics elements of the story don't conform with reality.

My response was to elaborate on how I arrived at those details.

More commentary and now some bashing about how the story doesn't follow established known scientific and technical data.

My response: It's a FANTASY!
...but that wasn't your response. Your actual response was five paragraphs of explanation, which drew heavily on the real-world scientific language and real-world scientific phenomena:

Quote:
f they have the same DNA helix except for the gender X/Y difference what else would you call them? Dopplegangers? They aren't fraternal twins because they have the same DNA.

From Wiki:

Quote:
Twins are two offspring produced by the same pregnancy. Twins can be either monozygotic ("identical"), meaning that they develop from one zygote, which splits and forms two embryos, or dizygotic ("fraternal"), meaning that they develop from two different eggs. In fraternal twins, each twin is fertilized by its own sperm cell.
The story required the reader to think about some of the details themselves. A chimera twin, for example, is 2 separate fertilized eggs which conjoin during cellular reproduction. The 2 become 1 with cells from both eggs.

My story required the reader (if they so chose) to understand the possibility that the 2 conjoined eggs (Chimera) could re-separate and become 2 distinct individuals again who each carried both DNA profiles. Which would create 2 individuals from 1 (fused) embryo. They cannot be fraternal twins because they have the exact same DNA. They aren't true Chimera twins because they are separate. They aren't identical (as you say and I agree under the strict scientific definition) because 1 is male and 1 female.

Yet, of the 3 possibilities, identical Chimera twin is the most correct description. The characters are unique, different, and as far as I know of, this type of Chimerism has never happened before. Thus, I had to describe them in terms the reader would understand without getting all scientific. For the universe the story is set it, it works, feels real and is logically consistent with the details and plot. They are identical except for gender because they both carry the same double DNA Helix.
As you explicitly said above, your story encourages readers to think about the (biological) details, so I do not understand why you are surprised/offended that people have done exactly that.

Writing is a little bit like stage magic: part of the art is directing your audience's attention. If you were genuinely interested in improving your skills, this would be a good moment to think "whoah, looks like I directed their attention to exactly the wrong place, what can I learn from this?" instead of complaining that your readers are malicious for paying attention to the wrong thing.

Quote:
One again, my response: DUH! It's still a fantasy. And the "feedback" isn't feedback at all. It's an attempt by you and others to say that I'm wrong in the way I wrote my story because you don't like the fact that it's not scientifically accurate.
Nah. I love lots of stuff that isn't remotely scientifically accurate. The reason why science has become a stumbling block here has nothing to do with anti-HisArpy-ism and everything to do with the way you told your story. I repeat: there is a lot you could learn abut writing here if you weren't determined to turn this into a persecution narrative.

Quote:
What none of you aren't seeing, for whatever reasons, is that it's not supposed to be real. It's a FANTASY.
Indeed. And when nobody sees what you intended them to see, that is a failing of the story, not of the audience.

Quote:
The beauty of the written word is that it allows me to convey to the reader the thoughts in my head, the dreams I have, and the fantasies I create. Instead of accepting those thoughts as what they are, you and others here berate me for not doing in your way and following your rules.
No. You're berating readers here for not being mind-readers and not picking up on what the story was meant to be. As a clever person once said, "telepathy failures are never the fault of the recipient".

Quote:
In the end it comes do to this: I wrote a fantasy story. You didn't like it. It's not my fault you INSIST on not suspending your disbelief to enjoy it.
I love fantasy. Most of my stories here have some kind of fantastical element to them; half my library is fantasy; the last book I read was a story about Snow White and a Wicked Stepsister working for a government agency that tries to prevent fairytales from coming true. Almost never do I have problems suspending disbelief, but with your story I did.

Make of that whatever you will. As for me, I'm done here.
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Old 10-17-2017, 07:27 PM   #24
Dream_Operator
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HisArpy View Post
There is NO feedback here other than from Melissababy.
Actually, 8letters gave you some great constructive feedback which you apparently ignored:

Quote:
I didn't care for it. Page 1 was all about the twins, which are creepy. No plot, no action; just paragraph after paragraph describing the twins. And the description made no sense - the twins are holding hands and kissing while naked and aren't feeling any sexual excitement? Why are they kissing if it's not giving them pleasure? Why does Saint feel "Sin" is her real name when it's "Saint"?

Then suddenly, Saint is trying to make out with the stepmom. No prelude, no establishment of some desire - Saint pins her against the refrigerator and tries to start kissing her. Saint sounds totally messed up with no concept of appropriate boundaries. The stepmom is mildly bothered by Saint's advance. Then the stepmom gets naked with her two stepkids like it's a typical bonding process.
8letters raised some very valid points, pointing out the weaknesses in the story, and particularly, your plot and story telling ability.

I would suggest writing short stories (or scenes) to hone your skills, before taking on more ambitious works that are beyond your present skill set. Work on making your characters, scenarios and plot more realistic and believable.

Rejecting (almost out of hand) anyone and everyone who criticizes you, is not the path to becoming a better writer.

News flash: You don't write that well, but you certainly have the potential to do so.

Be humble, don't let your ego get in the way of becoming a better writer.
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Old 10-18-2017, 11:56 AM   #25
HisArpy
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I guess it comes down to this...

I feel I've not gotten valid feedback. You say it is while focusing on 1 small word (identical) instead of the 29,000+ other words in the story. That laser focus on your part has now blown up into a major kerfuffle over genetics. From there it's devolved into forum stalking, malice, spite and 1-bombing and you say it's my fault that it's happening this way.

Yeah, that makes tons of sense. It started to make sense right after you said that I can't control the actions of others.

I get it. You didn't like it. You don't agree with my reasoning. And it's my fault because I didn't write it the way you want it.

Whatever.

I'm considering taking the story down. At this point I haven't because there are people who may still want to read it and I'm not going to punish them over the acts of you people here. However, I did close anon comments and report the abuse again. Eventually Laurel or a mod will figure out who you are.

I can't imagine I'm saying this but I'm done with my own thread. Post what you want in reply I won't read it.
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