Old 09-28-2017, 05:07 AM   #1
DeepAsleep
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Limitations

Been a long time. I suppose I'm prolly breaking a rule. Shred it. I don't mind.

the idea is infinity
say that you start and I stop
here where the heart balks
an angry horse stubborn pulling
at reins no one is even really holding
are you the horse or the reins
or the rider or are we neither of us leading
our stubborn wants
but leaning over the fence and wondering
or more clearly
this poem cannot do what you
infinite illiterate human
what you could do
cannot sing their names
or plant a garden or water the climbing ivy
or here have this less surprising magic:
a wedding ring is a perfect symbol
of endlessness that lasts until you take it off
an idea infinite and imperfect
the slivers in gods fingertips catching
against your shirtsleeves a question about what lasts
and what does not begging for your attention
like a horse nosing your shoulder in an empty field
which is to say the limits we place on natural inclination
have so little to do with capacity that i wonder if we are
truly unlimited at all
save in our ability to fear

it is almost always unfair
to love only the things you can have

another less surprising magic:
definitions are not infinite but the limit
you set is also not the limit that is
as if we are digging holes
and some people call them graves
and other people call them homes
but we are really just piling dirt up and calling it
a bulwark against all things ending and anyway
the only real point is to get in there
shovel keeping time to the rhythm of a song
only you know the words to
dirt like a mask on your face letting sweat
tell the world you've been trying
which is to say a home is only a grave
when you lay down in it and give up
and all a grave asks is that you refuse to stand
or start digging sideways or climb out
which is to say your life is mostly what you call it

i call it do better
do less harm do good things and stop hoping
for recognition call it be more beam and less
hacksaw less hurricane and more rain
and these are beautiful ideas and infinite and sometimes
they are the fences ringing my life and sometimes
the halter pulling me back my heart caught in my teeth
dragging me behind because i am afraid of what happens
if i let it go and afraid of what happens if i don't so i follow
stubborn and fight against all things ending or starting
or sometimes just to fight because it's the only thing
that looks like trying.
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Old 09-28-2017, 05:20 AM   #2
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Song lyric rather than a poem, in my uneducated opinion
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Old 09-28-2017, 05:22 AM   #3
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haha, it's mostly what you call it. If it comes off mouthmusic, it's at least doing a thing I wanted it to.
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Old 09-28-2017, 05:27 AM   #4
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I strummed n gave it a go, seemed to work, if I could only play guitar better....
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Old 09-28-2017, 05:32 AM   #5
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Joke's on everyone, I can't sing for shit.
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Old 09-28-2017, 10:17 PM   #6
Angeline
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DA! What a pleasure to read you here. I love the way you write, still do. That poem is amazing, but it reads like a draft that needs editing and shaping. Are you writing for performance or publication?

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Old 09-28-2017, 11:02 PM   #7
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Neither, but I don't treat them as different. I just scribble, sometimes.

It is a draft! I dunno. It's been a long time.
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Old 09-28-2017, 11:26 PM   #8
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Neither, but I don't treat them as different. I just scribble, sometimes.

It is a draft! I dunno. It's been a long time.
It may have been a long time, but you still have a lot of talent imho. I mean I could tell you what I'd do with it. That would involve putting more space in between some sections and punctuating it. But that's me.
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Old 09-28-2017, 11:42 PM   #9
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well, thanks.

punctuation... haha. i don't... Hmm. So, here's the deal. I'm terrible at it, and i've avoided it long enough that trying to worry about it changes my voice completely. it's not bad, it's just that it alters the flow. less liquid feeling. i'll totally look at it, not trying to argue. it's just usually the last thing i consider.
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Old 09-29-2017, 12:00 AM   #10
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well, thanks.

punctuation... haha. i don't... Hmm. So, here's the deal. I'm terrible at it, and i've avoided it long enough that trying to worry about it changes my voice completely. it's not bad, it's just that it alters the flow. less liquid feeling. i'll totally look at it, not trying to argue. it's just usually the last thing i consider.
I know you're not.

I don't punctuate my own poems when I'm writing that first draft. But after I've read it aloud a bunch of times and let my feelings about it settle down (I always either love or hate it right after I write it), I think about where the breaks are when I read. Short pauses get a comma and long ones a period. Usually. Those two types of punctuation handle most of what I write. Sometimes I use other types but I'm nerdy about that stuff. I get happy if I can use a semicolon. Don't judge!

Maybe others will weigh in on this and your poem.
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Old 09-29-2017, 12:13 AM   #11
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maybeeeeeeeeeeee
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Old 09-29-2017, 01:46 AM   #12
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I get happy if I can use a semicolon.
I sniggered, giggled a bit and then laughed. Dunno why, but this sentence hit a button.
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Old 09-29-2017, 02:49 AM   #13
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I sniggered, giggled a bit and then laughed. Dunno why, but this sentence hit a button.
Ok. Now give DA some feedback on his poem.
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Old 09-29-2017, 03:20 AM   #14
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Ok. Now give DA some feedback on his poem.
O.o

Welp
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Old 09-30-2017, 04:24 AM   #15
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Ok. Now give DA some feedback on his poem.
Well da big Boss Ange has spoke, so I'd better do as I'm told.

Angeline thought punctuation and spaces; Exescort suggested a lyric in some sort of rhythm - either might add cohesiveness, perhaps discipline - if desired.

There are some good lines, some good groups of lines, and some other lines:-

"call it be more beam and less hacksaw less hurricane and more rain"

My first reaction, WTF? second, umm maybe, third, I dunno.

Conclusion: this is unfinished, It's full of good bits but it rambles a bit incoherently. I'm not sure it's even a poem yet. Angeline is right about the need for punctuation and spaces; DA says it might lose flow, be less liquid, it might in his mind, but not in the reader's. As Ange dropped me into this review may I suggest that DA asks her to edit, punctuate and space this poem. She is the queen of liquid flow, very obvious from her poems. It would be interesting.

PS Why the colon at line 16? hard to hit by accident. And Angeline is happy with only half a colon. Did she spot the interloper.
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Old 09-30-2017, 05:27 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ishtat View Post
Well da big Boss Ange has spoke, so I'd better do as I'm told.

Angeline thought punctuation and spaces; Exescort suggested a lyric in some sort of rhythm - either might add cohesiveness, perhaps discipline - if desired.

There are some good lines, some good groups of lines, and some other lines:-

"call it be more beam and less hacksaw less hurricane and more rain"

My first reaction, WTF? second, umm maybe, third, I dunno.

Conclusion: this is unfinished, It's full of good bits but it rambles a bit incoherently. I'm not sure it's even a poem yet. Angeline is right about the need for punctuation and spaces; DA says it might lose flow, be less liquid, it might in his mind, but not in the reader's. As Ange dropped me into this review may I suggest that DA asks her to edit, punctuate and space this poem. She is the queen of liquid flow, very obvious from her poems. It would be interesting.

PS Why the colon at line 16? hard to hit by accident. And Angeline is happy with only half a colon. Did she spot the interloper.
Ah thank you for the tribute. You don't want me telling you to grab your ankles. (Or maybe you do!)


If DA would like me to have a go at shaping the poem I am all in. So to speak.

You know the reason I love semicolons is because of my love of Charles Dickens. His sentences sometimes go on for paragraphs and are rife with semicolons. And if one can stand to read him (I know for many he is an acquired taste--he does go on and on), one may learn much of how to make lines flow. Loooong lines.
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