Writing Improvement Wanted

I think I'm already a pretty decent writer, however I'd like to improve in the areas of characterization and the situational environment (e.g. environmental sounds and smells, weather and the like) and the mood of the story. If anyone would like to read one of my stories and make suggestions along those lines, I'd love to hear them.

Try one of these two:
Mounted By a Cowboy (10/8/2013)
A young ranch hand is initiated to gay sex.
https://www.literotica.com/s/mounted-by-a-cowboy

Bolero
https://www.literotica.com/s/bolero-1?page=1
A college sophomore finds someone to take his virginity

Assistance, maybe

Hi there Josh,

I'm John and I carry out editing work for a couple of (piubliished) friends from time to time. I'm not sure if that really qualifies me to offer you assistance, but there are certainly some things that are evident even to the likes of me...

I don't know how you might like to progress this, but if I offer a couple of thoughts, perhaps that can start things rolling...

I've read through Bolero and two main(and one slightly less important) things stood out - they're the sort of things that distract from what is essentially a good narrative flow and can easily (!) be corrected. I should point out right now that what I can offer are only suggestions (where facts are not altered) and it is finally up to you, the author, to agree or disagree.

Firstly, you seem to have an issue with tense. While much of the story is written firmly in the past tense, there are occasions when you use the present. E.g. in just the second para you say 'The dorms here are sort of old, but seemed nice enough when I checked them out earlier.' - the word 'here' (arguably) arguing in the present tense and clashing with the bulk of the narrative.

Secondly, you tend towards the staccato approach to descriptive text and also in dialogue situations. As arguably higher primates we tend to think - and speak - in longer, meandering, fashions and many ideas and concepts can be wrapped up in that longer style, which in turn sits better in the mind of the reader.

Lastly, and debatably of least import, is a tendency to over-describe. At times - for example where you initially describe the dorms - you tell us (in staccato fashion, note) the layout, the floors, the use of each room, and so forth. This is the sort of thing that can be wired into single sentences and could be summed up far more easily - 'The two-storey building housed four dorms rooms, each with two beds, and general utility rooms. Nothing fancy, nothing grand - and all in need of a good scrub' (or similar).

If you would like me to have a closer look and provide more feedback, I'd be grabbing hold of sentences such as 'He raised his eyebrows questioningly and it seemed his eyes seemed to focus more appreciatively on me.' and pointing out the double-use of 'seemed' and how raised eyebrows always indicate questioning/surprise so that word is not needed - leaving 'He raised his eyebrows and his eyes seemed to focus more appreciatively on me.'

Have a think and let me know what you'd like me to do (if anything!). If you want to chat more about things, you can email me at [personal info prohibited per our forum guidelines] and have a look at the stories posted here by the likes of GeorgieH (a lady, Georgina Hawes, who I know well and who writes seemingly effortlessly - but I've seen what that takes!) and maybe a few of her favourites.

Your writing shows a LOT of promise, so please don't take my remarks as damning evidence you can't write - because you seriously can.

John

Thanks

JohnM333 said:

Have a think and let me know what you'd like me to do (if anything!). If you want to chat more about things, you can email me at [personal info prohibited per our forum guidelines] and have a look at the stories posted here by the likes of GeorgieH (a lady, Georgina Hawes, who I know well and who writes seemingly effortlessly - but I've seen what that takes!) and maybe a few of her favourites.
John

Click to expand...

John, I hope you read this and will get back to me. Your email address was taken out of your message so I can't email you. However all of my stories have my email address either at the beginning or end of the story, so please email me if and when you can.

I appreciate your comments about Bolero and I certainly don't take offense. However, I don't really know what you mean by staccato in my writing and I'd like to discuss it.
Josh

I'm still looking for an editor or a reader. Unfortunately, I can't reach JohnM333.